Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage: How Healthy Conflict Can Take You to Deeper Levels of Intimacy - Brossura

Smalley, Dr. Greg

Brossura

ISBN 10: 1451669194 ISBN 13: 9781451669190

Casa editrice: Howard Books, 2013

Riassunto

In this counterintuitive book, author Dr. Greg Smalley maintains that fighting is actually good for a marriage. When couples fight, they have the opportunity to get to the real issue that is lurking below the surface of fights about money, sex, in-laws, kids, etc. And that real issue, Dr. Smalley says, is fear—fear of rejection, inadequacy, or powerlessness, to name a few. What assuages these fears are things like intimacy, respect, validation, love, and connection. Learning to take advantage of the opportunity that conflict provides is what this book is all about.

The good news of Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage is that conflict—when handled correctly—is the doorway to intimacy and understanding. As Dr. Smalley leads readers through the many faces of conflict, he is open and candid about his own marriage and the unproductive fights he and his wife have had. He uses his fears and emotional triggers as examples to help readers discover their own.

Couples will learn how to fight their way to a better marriage, using the skills, concepts, and exercises shared in this remarkable book.

Su questo libro

L'autore:

Dr. Greg Smalley is the author of 18 books, including Crazy Little Thing Called Marriage and Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage. He earned his doctorate in psychology and serves as the Vice-President of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family. 

Estratto. © Riproduzione autorizzata. Diritti riservati.:

One

The Power of Healthy Conflict

Your marriage needs conflict.

And yet, sadly, people rarely believe this. It’s probably because conflict is a topic that makes many of us feel uncomfortable. It can bring fear to our hearts and remind us of past failures and acts of which we are ashamed. Our lives are pockmarked by battles and arguments with our loved ones, like the one I experienced while returning from a date night with my wife.

“You’re speeding,” Erin warned.

“I’m driving the speed limit,” I snapped. “Quit trying to control me.”

“I’m telling you that the speed limit is thirty-five,” Erin shot back, “and you’re doing forty-five. You’re going to get a ticket!”

“This is a brand-new road in the middle of nowhere,” I argued. “Why would they make it thirty-five? I’m positive that it’s forty-five. Besides, why would anyone care if I’m going a little fast on a deserted road?”

Apparently someone cared, as evidenced by the blue and red lights flashing behind me.

Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.

—WILLIAM ELLERY CHANNING

And before I could give her that look that says, “Don’t you dare,” Erin gloated, “I warned you. But maybe you’ll learn to believe me after our insurance rates go up.”

This was one of those moments when I desperately wanted to run far away from my wife, but I figured that fleeing my vehicle might present a whole new set of problems for me.

As the officer approached my window, he asked the one question that I was hoping he wouldn’t: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Haven’t you ever wanted to smart off by saying something like “No . . . it’s really difficult to see over the beer can,” or “I don’t, but I bet you do!” I’m so glad I only think these things and don’t say them out loud.

Well, before I could actually say “No, kind sir, I don’t know how fast I was going” in my politest voice, Erin snapped, “He knows. I told him he was speeding, but he chose not to listen.”

Ouch.

To make matters worse, the officer said, “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

Again . . . ouch! Who were these two, a comedy team?

I probably should have stopped there, but I thought that after the drubbing I’d received from my wife and the officer, he’d have compassion for me.

“Any way you’d let me off with a warning?” I begged. “The real punishment will be having to endure the ‘I told you so’ all the way home. A ticket would be over the top—like beating a dead horse.”

When will I learn that some people don’t find me funny?

“You want a warning?” the officer said graciously. “Okay, I’m warning you that if you go above the speed limit again, I’ll give you another ticket.”

With that, I was done. Unfortunately, Erin wasn’t finished. After she directed some additional choice words and phrases at me, we spent the rest of the drive home in silence.

You may be wondering, “How could an interaction like that be something my marriage needs?” Let me explain.

CONFLICT: BEAUTY OR THE BEAST?

What images come into your mind when you think about conflict? Perhaps you fought with your parents, kids in the neighborhood, school bullies, friends in junior high, or teachers. Maybe your marriage is riddled with conflict today, or perhaps you never fight. Whatever your past or current experiences, how do you perceive conflict? Are these images positive or negative? Conflict has the potential for beauty, but at the same time, there is also a “beast” lurking in it if we mishandle our conflicts.

In an unhealthy sense, if we avoid conflict, pretend it doesn’t exist, gossip to others about it, get angry, or intimidate others into doing what we want, the greater the problem will become, and the greater the relational damage will be. Couples who do not work out their differences and manage their conflict issues are at risk for divorce.

The apostle Paul recognized this when he wrote, “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:15).

Many couples hate to confront disagreements and hurts because they’re afraid of rocking the boat, so they choose to keep the peace at any price and sweep their issues under the rug. However, this strategy usually does not resolve the problem, because suppressed conflict is always buried alive, and it often festers until it becomes a much bigger problem. In the end, buried issues end up exploding like a massive volcano, leaving our spouse and family members in its wake of destruction. Dallin H. Oaks said, “Peace . . . is not just the absence of war. It’s the opposite of war.”1

In Matthew 5:23–24 we are encouraged to deal with relationship problems so that our hearts will be right when we worship the Lord. “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.”

The difficulty with mishandled conflict is that it creates an unsafe environment. Spouses feel like they are walking on a thin layer of volcanic crust, while underneath rages a river of molten lava ready to consume those trapped nearby. And when people feel unsafe, their heart closes and they disconnect. This is why, when asked about divorce, Jesus said, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard” (Matthew 19:8). A hard heart is the kiss of death to a marriage, and that is exactly what prolonged, unhealthy conflict creates: a hardened heart! King Solomon deeply understood the reality of a hard heart: “An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars” (Proverbs 18:19). Indeed, not confronting and managing conflict often causes long-term resentment, which eventually destroys feelings of love in a marriage. The bottom line is your marriage may not last if you do not work through issues. This is why two of the world’s top marriage experts, Scott Stanley and Howard Markman, claim that managing conflict is the key to staying in love and staying married. Their thirty years of research indicate that if couples learned to work out their conflicts, the overall divorce rate could be cut by over 50 percent.2

No pressure, no diamonds.

—MARY CASE

That’s amazing! Who knew that actually facing our differences and managing our conflict in a healthy way could produce such results? It’s true that conflict can be a beast, but there also exists a beauty. I love marital-art master Thomas Crum’s image of conflict:

One of the myths is the idea that conflict is negative. . . . Nature doesn’t see conflict as a negative. Nature uses conflict as a primary motivator for change. Imagine floating down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon. Quiet water flowing into exhilarating rapids. Hidden canyons with shade trees and wildflowers. Clear springs of drinkable water. Solitude and silence that can be found in few places in today’s world. And those majestic cliffs looming above, with fantastic patterns in the rock and all the colors of the rainbow displayed. The Grand Canyon is truly one of the world’s greatest wonders and provides us with a profound sense of harmony and peace. Yet how was that amazing vista formed? Eons and eons of water flowing, continually wearing away the rock, carrying it to the sea. A conflict that continues to this day. Conflict isn’t negative, it just is.3

Let’s face it, unless you’re a black belt like Thomas Crum, few people are genuinely excited about conflict. And yet it’s essential that we recognize conflict for what it is: an unavoidable and potentially beneficial part of being in a relationship with another human being.

Let me explain these two truths about conflict. First, conflict is inevitable. Any person involved in a sustained relationship is bound to experience conflict with that other person eventually. It’s a part of getting to know and adjusting to a person, his or her habits, values, and ways of functioning. Two people will never have the same expectations, thoughts, opinions, or needs. In fact, marriage expert Dr. Larry Nadig believes that a relationship with no apparent conflict may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict.4

Absence of conflict suggests the presence of deadened emotions or a hardened heart, or that one spouse is being suppressed or giving in to his or her mate. This might be acceptable over the short term, but over the long term, it’s very dangerous to the marriage. Anger is likely to build to the point where the conflict, when it surfaces, will be more intense than it needed to be. Second, although conflict is unavoidable, it can also bring amazing benefits to a relationship. Watch how this happens.

THE HIDDEN VALUE OF CONFLICT

Few people know that Murfreesboro, Arkansas, is home to Crater of Diamonds State Park, the only diamond-producing site in the world where the public can search for diamonds. For a small fee, visitors can dig for diamonds and keep whatever they find.

The park is located above the eroded surface of an ancient volcanic pipe. This “crater” is actually a thirty-seven-acre open field that is plowed from time to time to bring diamonds and other gem-stones to the surface. I will never forget my first impression of this place. It wasn’t pretty. What they don’t tell you in their lovely brochure is that the volcanic field (don’t forget the eroded part) is a treeless wasteland of dirt and rocks and, apparently, diamonds. At first glance, it seems impossible that there could be anything valuable hidden beneath the ancient volcanic dirt. This is actually a perfect picture of the hidden value of conflict. On the surface, conflict is not pretty. For some, it feels rocky and treacherous—full of tension and anger. Other couples experience conflict more as a distant wasteland—filled with avoidance and withdrawal. Either way, most couples experience conflict as frustrating and painful, something they should definitely avoid. However, as the person who found a 40.23-carat diamond at the state park discovered, conflict is loaded with potential treasures as well.

Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.

—MAX LUCADO

I know it may be hard to believe, but there really is something amazing about conflict. Yet most people, for good reason, view conflict in a negative light. They believe that the arguments and angry interactions between a husband and wife are not just stressful but unhealthy. In the end, many couples see conflict as a sign that their relationship is in trouble. This belief is understandable yet unfortunate. Conflict is not negative; instead, it’s an inevitable part of marriage that will be managed in either a healthy or an unhealthy way. I prefer the word “managing” over “resolving” conflicts. Rather than making it our goal to resolve arguments, we must learn how to manage conflict. Research suggests that 31 percent of couples’ major continuing disagreements are about resolvable issues. However, 69 percent are about unresolvable perpetual problems that never get resolved but must be managed.5

The good news is that if we manage conflict in a healthy way, like Crater of Diamonds State Park, it is loaded with treasures to be unearthed. Marriage expert John Gottman agrees:

If there is one lesson I have learned from my years of research it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship. Many couples tend to equate a low level of conflict with happiness and believe the claim “we never fight” is a sign of marital health. But I believe we grow in our relationships by reconciling our differences. That’s how we become more loving people and truly experience the fruits of marriage.6

Satisfied couples are more likely to discuss issues of disagreement, whereas dissatisfied couples are more likely to minimize or avoid conflict.

This is exactly what Jesus was talking about when he said, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over” (Matthew 18:15).

In the same way that the Grand Canyon expands as the Colorado River fights its way through, healthy conflict helps a marriage to grow and evolve. If handled right, arguments have the potential to create greater understanding, trust, and connection. You can literally “win your spouse over.” Many people fail to see the true value of disagreement because it’s housed in something unpleasant and unglamorous—like that wasteland of ancient volcanic dirt. Most couples fail to notice the diamonds lying just under the surface, waiting to be discovered. Here are a few of the diamonds buried within healthy conflict:

· Brings problems into the light and helps couples face their issues instead of denying or avoiding them

· Helps you to better appreciate the differences between you and your spouse

· Gives you a chance to care for and empathize with your spouse

· Provides an opportunity to break old, ineffective patterns

· Can restore unity and oneness

· Humbles us and God gives his grace to the humble (James 4:6)

· Gives you great insight into your own personal issues

· Helps you learn how to anticipate and resolve future conflicts

· Brings you closer together as you listen, understand, and validate each other

· Provides a great source of information. For example, conflict can reveal the need to spend more time together

· Can raise you to higher levels of marital satisfaction every time you manage the conflict well

· Is the sole reason we have the amazing experience of makeup sex

Isn’t this a great list of what conflict can do if we learn to walk through it in a healthy way? As the prophet Isaiah put it, “to bestow on them a crow of beauty instead of ashes” (Isaiah 61:3).

So what is the real value of conflict? If we compared each potential conflict benefit on that previous list to a 2-carat diamond, the most valuable aspect of relational disagreements would be like the 40-carat diamond discovered at the Crater of Diamonds State Park. Here is the real value of conflict.

Fear not those who argue but those who dodge.

—DALE CARNEGIE

THE DOORWAY TO INTIMACY

Conflict and arguments have the ability to strengthen or deteriorate a marriage relationship. On one hand, healthy conflict can facilitate deeper understanding, trust, connection and respect—true intimacy. On the other hand, arguments can be unhealthy, causing frustration, hurt, disconnection, and hardened hearts. As Larry Nadig puts it, “How the conflicts are managed, not how many occur, is the critical factor in determining whether your relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.”7

The reality is that a conflict like the one I had with my wife when I was speeding doesn’t guarantee intimacy; it only provides a foundation where deep connection can occur. That doesn’t mean we keep fighting just so we can enjoy the deeper intimacy of making up. But when a conflict does occur, it can bring an amazing benefit (like a 40-carat diamond) if we use it in the right way. I know this is hard to believe, but it’s true: Conflict provides the opportunity to deepen your understanding of your spouse...

Su questa edizione

• Editore: Howard Books
• Data di pubblicazione: 2013
• ISBN 10: 1451669194
• ISBN 13: 9781451669190
• Rilegatura: Copertina flessibile
• Numero di pagine: 256