A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating, Second Edition: How to Convince, Collaborate, & Create Your Way to Agreement - Brossura

Miller, Lee E.

Brossura

ISBN 10: 0071746501 ISBN 13: 9780071746502

Casa editrice: McGraw-Hill, 2010

Riassunto

“Breakthrough perspective. Every woman can benefit from this indispensable guide to getting what you want.”
—Cathie Black, Chairman, Hearst Magazines

“No matter what the situation, this book provides you with the negotiating techniques and the overall confidence to deal with the issue.”
—Rose Marie Bravo, Chief Executive Officer, Burberry Ltd.

“Much of life is one great big negotiation and in A Woman’s Guide to Successful Negotiating, this father-daughter team lets women in on the secrets they have learned over their lifetimes.”
—Gail Evans, Author, Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman

SEE WHY ATLANTA WOMAN MaGaZiNE SELEcTED THiS BOOK aS ONE OF THE 50 BEST BOOKS FOr WOrKiNG WOMEN

• Are you afraid to ask for that raise or promotion or just don’t know how?
• Ever wonder why some women who get divorced end up with the financial re-sources they need to get on with their lives, while others suffer a drastic reduction in lifestyle?

Discover the three keys to negotiating success for women. Understand the 10 most common mistakes that women make and how to avoid them. Learn from women such as CEO of Avon Andrea Jung, Chairman of Hearst Magazines Cathie Black, Emmy- winning actress Christine Baranski, and television anchor Alexis Glick how to get what you deserve in every aspect of your life, whether it is earning more money, buying your next car, or just getting your husband to help around the house.

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A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating

How to Convince, Collaborate, & Create Your Way to Agreement

By Lee E. Miller, Jessica Miller

The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc.

Copyright ©2011 Lee E. Miller and Jessica Miller
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-07-174650-2

Contents

Acknowledgments
Introduction You Don't Have to Give Up Who You Are to Get What You 
Deserve
Chapter 1 The Three Keys to Success: Be Confident, Be Prepared, and Be 
Willing to Walk Away
Chapter 2 The 10 Most Common Mistakes Women Make and How to Avoid Them
Chapter 3 Convince: Changing the Way Others See Things
Chapter 4 Collaborate: Changing to a Problem-Solving Approach, or How to 
Satisfy Everyone's Interests
Chapter 5 Create: If You Don't Like the Rules, Change the Game—Changing 
the Way We Negotiate
Chapter 6 Mars and Venus: Negotiating with Men versus Negotiating with 
Women
Chapter 7 Every Day Can Be Valentine's Day: Getting What You Want from 
Your Significant Other
Chapter 8 Negotiating with Your Family: If You Can Negotiate with a 
Two-Year-Old, You Can Negotiate with Anyone
Chapter 9 How to Succeed in Business: Equal Pay for Equal Work—but Not 
unless You Negotiate for It
Chapter 10 Buying or Leasing a Car: Be Prepared for Traditional 
Negotiating Tactics, or Change the Way You Negotiate
Chapter 11 Buying and Selling Real Estate: A Woman's Place Is in the 
Home—Whether You're Buying or Selling
Chapter 12 Divorce: Don't Get Even, but Get Enough
Chapter 13 Virtual Negotiating for Women: When You Cannot Be There in 
Person
Appendix Negotiating Skills And Attitudes Checklist
Index

Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

The Three Keys to Success

Be Confident, Be Prepared, and Be Willing to Walk Away

You can have anything you want—if you want it badly enough. You can beanything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold tothat desire with singleness of purpose.

—Abraham Lincoln

In writing this book, we interviewed women from all walks oflife—corporate executives, lawyers, investment bankers, publishers,politicians, entrepreneurs, writers, musicians, actresses, agents, journalists,philanthropists, athletes—all very successful. Most have strongcollaborative skills, many are extremely persuasive, and some excel at takingthe negotiating situation they find and creating a different one that bettersuits their needs. Interestingly, almost universally they listed the same threequalities as being critical to success as a negotiator: confidence, preparation,and a willingness to walk away. These three qualities do not fall neatly withinone of the convince, collaborate, or create categories, butrather, they are central to all three approaches. They are attitudes that youbring to negotiating. They form the underpinnings that enable someone toeffectively use each of the three approaches.

BE CONFIDENT: WHY MEN DON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS

Class is an aura of confidence that is being sure without being cocky. Classhas nothing to do with money.... It is self-discipline and self-knowledge. It'sthe sure-footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life.

—Ann Landers

Susanna Hoffs had just put together the Bangles, which would become the dominantall-female rock band of the 1980s, garner four platinum albums, and see two oftheir many hit singles, "Walk Like an Egyptian" and "Eternal Flame," make it tothe top of the charts. She was performing with the band at a local club. MilesCopeland, the manager who had engineered the earlier success of the Go-Go's,approached them after the show to talk about representing them. Rather thanacting as if she should be grateful for his interest, Susanna says, "I took theposition that he should want to work with us because we were going places." Ithelped, of course, that at the time she had no idea who Miles Copeland was, andtherefore she didn't know she should be nervous. Because of the confidence withwhich Susanna and the other Bangles approached those negotiations, they wereable to work out a favorable deal to have Miles manage the group.

Confidence is the secret weapon in negotiating. Almost every woman weinterviewed pointed to it as the key to their success as a negotiator. To gainagreement from others, you need to persuade them that what you are proposing isbased on an accurate understanding of the facts, is fair, and is mutuallybeneficial. Studies have shown that whether someone believes what you saydepends more on how you say it than on what you actually say. Put another way,to be truly persuasive, whatever you say, you must say with confidence.

You can take several steps to build your confidence. Erin Noonan, chiefoperating officer for Americas Sourcing at Barclays Capital, recommends readingbooks and taking classes on negotiating, which she "has done plenty of" over thecourse of her career. Understanding the negotiating process will add to yourself-confidence. Often you will instinctively know the right thing to do, andall you need is confirmation. One of the nicest things anyone said about myfirst book, Get More Money on Your Next Job, which dealt withnegotiating in the employment context, came from a young woman who told me thatreading it gave her the confidence to ask a prospective employer to pay for herMBA. She told me, "It affirmed that what I was doing was okay."

Practice

You gain confidence through practice. Put the skills you learn from this book touse on a daily basis. Practice the active listening and purposeful questioningskills we discuss in Chapter 3 until you master them. Try using them atthe dinner table with your husband and children. When others ask you forsomething, or you hear them ask someone else for something, try to use thecollaborative skill of determining the underlying interests he or she is tryingto satisfy.

Like driving a car, negotiating is a skill that must be learned. After readingthe driver's manual and receiving your learner's permit, you don't just get intothe car for the first time and know how to drive. You attend a driver'seducation class, you take driving lessons, or a parent or friend teaches you.While taking lessons, you also practice driving. You practice turning. Youpractice merging into traffic. You practice parallel parking, and then youpractice parallel parking some more. Similarly, to master the art ofnegotiating, you must not only learn how; you must also practice. The more youpractice, the more comfortable you will become. Remember how nervous you werethe first time you drove on a highway? By now, you no longer even give it asecond thought. Like driving, once you have done it enough, negotiating simplybecomes second nature.

Find out about the People on the Other Side

Another way to boost your confidence is to learn as much as you can about thepeople with whom you will be negotiating. As Judge Kathy Roberts, a professionalmediator and former U.S. magistrate, put it:

It is amazing that people don't do research about their adversaries. This isparticularly important for women because if you find out about your opponent,you will be more confident. You will know what to expect. You can anticipatethings. If you know someone is known for threatening to walk out at some pointor for taunting women, you will not have the same reaction because you know itis coming. You will have thought out how you will respond when it happens.

The best way to find out about those with whom you are negotiating is to askpeople who know them and who have negotiated with them before. The more you knowabout what to expect, the more confident you will be.

Confidence Equals Success

The more confidence you exude, the better you will negotiate. Conversely,insecurity reduces effectiveness, and a lack of success will further hurt yourconfidence. Because women typically do not learn to negotiate when they aregrowing up, as adults they are uncomfortable with their ability to do so. Thislack of confidence frequently translates into poor results. So, they come tobelieve they are bad negotiators, when in fact they simply lack experience. Likeany other skill, negotiating can be learned. And you should consider anynegotiation successful if you learn something from it. Moreover, a negotiationdoes not necessarily end if you don't immediately reach an agreement. Sometimesthe venue just changes. You will generally have other opportunities to get whatyou want by going back and trying again—with the same party at a laterdate, with someone else, or in some other way. The lessons you learn from onenegotiation will help you in your next negotiation and every one thereafter.

Act Confident

Until you have gained sufficient confidence by mastering negotiating skills,simply act as if you know what you are doing: "Fake it until you make it." Thatis what men do. Men are every bit as uncomfortable as women when it comes todoing things that are new to them. Allison McGowen, formerly the chief operatingofficer for the Los Angeles Sparks of the WNBA, notes the difference is that"men are raised not to show their fear." While growing up, boys do not sharetheir insecurities with their friends; as Jessica notes girls do. Instead, boyslearn to put on a show of bravado. If someone pushes them, they pushback—no matter how big the pusher or how scared they are. Boys seldomdisplay fear in front of their male friends or, heaven forbid, theirgirlfriends. In fact, the more nervous men are, the more confident they try toact. Have you ever noticed how many men spend an entire first date talking abouthow terrific they are (even though this often results in its being their lastdate)? This is not just ego at work. It is nervousness, masked by bravado.

That is why men don't ask for directions. They do not want to show weakness.They would rather drive around aimlessly for hours. When you are lost, notasking for directions is silly. When you are negotiating, acting confident evenwhen you are not, works. So, regardless of how you actually feel, act as if youare in control of the situation. Allison McGowen advises: "If you don't knowwhat you are doing, act like you do and then go figure it out."

Exhibit confidence with the words you use, by the way you speak, and throughyour demeanor. Positive body language will signal confidence. Move forward toyour audience. Uncross your arms. Use open-hand, palms-up gestures. Unbuttonyour jacket. Look the other person in the eye. Demonstrate that you are incontrol.

Patricia Farrell, Ph.D., professor of clinical psychology at Walden Universityand author of How to Be Your Own Therapist, advises: "Psych yourself upbefore you begin." She calls this "self-talk." Convince yourself that yourposition is right and that you deserve what you are seeking. If you believe it,so will the people with whom you are negotiating. Smile, look people in the eye,speak slowly, don't fidget, moderate your tone, and project your voice.Demonstrate that you are capable of being firm. You can speak softly as long asyou speak with conviction. We are referring to a quiet confidence, not arroganceor bravado. When you negotiate, you don't have to know every detail. In fact,sometimes admitting that you do not know, or don't remember, something actuallyenhances your credibility. However, admitting to not knowing a detail is not thesame as failing to display confidence in the positions you are advocating.

Carol Raphael, president and CEO of the Visiting Nurses Service of New York, wasadvised by a top labor negotiator the first time she had to negotiate a laboragreement: "Act decisively and exude confidence, even if you're quaking inside."She has taken that advice to heart, and not only with regard to unionnegotiations. No matter what she is feeling, she projects confidence: "SometimesI will step out of the room and may feel queasy and uncomfortable, but no onewill ever know it because when I walk back in the room I am unflappable."Remember the tagline from the old Secret deodorant commercials, "Never let themsee you sweat"? That is good advice when you negotiate. If you are in doubtabout what to do, find an excuse to take a break and seek advice.

A corollary to being confident is not to be apologetic about the positions youare taking, particularly if you are negotiating with men. Women often start offtheir statements with phrases such as "You may have already considered this, but..." or "I could be wrong, but ..." Men view such statements as a sign ofweakness and lack of conviction. Regardless of what you say after that, men willassume that you are willing to back down from your position. Instead, show thatyou want to collaborate. Be magnanimous. Say things like, "That's a good point"or "I've thought about what you said and ..." Such statements do not show a lackof conviction but rather that you are secure enough in your position to modifyit to accommodate their concerns. Ultimately, as one senior executive weinterviewed put it: "When you're dealing with men, never apologize unless youstep on their foot."

BE PREPARED, OR BE PREPARED TO FAIL

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I haveof it.

—Thomas Jefferson

Negotiations are won or lost before you ever utter a word to the other party.Proper preparation is critical to achieving a successful outcome. Skillednegotiators understand the importance of preparation. Most of the women weinterviewed even used the same phrase: "Do your homework." Lisa Bloom, legalanalyst for CNN and a principal at the Bloom Law Firm, attributes her success asa young lawyer to always being better prepared than anyone else. She took themetaphor one step further by adding, "And do the extra credit reading."

Preparation may involve months of research, or as little as a few minutes thatyou set aside to think about things before you begin. Many of the negotiationsyou encounter on a daily basis will allow almost no time for preparation.Although each situation is different, here are some basic steps you should takebefore every negotiation.

Gather the Necessary Information

We cannot overemphasize the importance of understanding the facts, the players,and the "rules of the game." Before you begin to negotiate, gain a thoroughmastery of the facts. Figure out which questions you want to ask, both to gaininformation and to make a point. Anticipate what questions the other side willask, and determine how you plan to respond to them.

Gather information about the people with whom you'll be dealing. Are theyhonest? Can you trust them? Will they try to intimidate you? Do you know anyonein common? What is their negotiating style? In addition to talking with peoplethat know them, the Internet offers an easy way to gather information. Don'tlimit yourself to using search engines like Google. Carol Biaggi, a producer andreporter for Bloomberg Television, notes, "Social media can be a huge advantagein finding out about the people you are negotiating with."

Try to determine how the other side expects the negotiations to proceed. Who dothey expect will make the initial offer; how long do they think the processshould take; and what do they define as proper etiquette? In other words, whatare the "rules of the game"? Once you understand that, you can choose anappropriate strategy for playing the game—or whether this is even a gameyou want to play.

Once you have researched the basic facts, done your analysis, and figured outwhat you want, you are ready to begin. You can never know everything, but youcan start and continue gathering information and make adjustments as you goalong. Negotiating is an adaptive process. Today's world moves at "Internetspeed." We are a society operating in real time, so making decisions or takingactions based on incomplete information is unavoidable. Prepare as much as youreasonably can, then move forward with confidence, knowing that you are probablybetter prepared than the person with whom you are dealing, particularly if youare negotiating with a man.

Decide on Your Goals and Objectives

Success in any negotiation requires knowing what you want. As Yogi Berra oncesaid, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will get you there." Makea list of the things you would like to get; then prioritize which are mostimportant. When you are developing your list, think about your underlyinginterests, not just what you want. Interests are why we want the thingsthat we want. For example, you may want to purchase the empty lot next to yourhouse to ensure that your view of the lake remains unobstructed. Buying theproperty is what you want, but your reason for wanting to do so is to preventanything from being built that would impair your view. Focusing on your realinterests, as well as your neighbors', may enable you to reach an agreement thataccomplishes your goal even if they don't want to sell. By focusing on theunderlying interests, you will see that there are ways to accomplish yourobjective other than purchasing the property. For example, you could get yourneighbors to agree not to build anything that would obstruct your view in returnfor allowing them to share your driveway from the main road.

Determine the Other Person's Interests

Begin by finding out everything you can about the people with whom you arenegotiating. What do they want? Why do they want it? What do they really need?What else do they care about? To do that, you may need to determine who besidesthe negotiator has a say in the outcome. When you are selling your house, forexample, the real estate broker may be talking to the husband, but his wife maybe calling the shots. If you want to close the deal, you must find out what shecares about. In that example, you could probably find out who is involved in thedecision making and what is important to them by asking the real estate broker.

Bonnie Stone, president and chief executive officer of Women In Need, anonprofit organization that runs homeless shelters, said it well:

Do your homework, and do the other person's homework. You need to know exactlywhat his or her needs are. The more you know, the easier it will be to craft adeal. To be successful, you have to know what the other person needs and wants.

How do you do that? Determine how he or she thinks and what he or she caresabout. If the other party is your husband, or someone you know well, you willprobably have a good sense of how the person thinks. If you don't know the otherparties, talk to people who do. Avoid the "Me perspective," that is, looking atissues from your viewpoint rather than considering them from the other person'spoint of view.

(Continues...)

(Continues...)

Excerpted from A Woman's Guide to Successful Negotiating by Lee E. Miller, Jessica Miller. Copyright © 2011 by Lee E. Miller and Jessica Miller. Excerpted by permission of The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Dettagli dell'edizione

• Editore: McGraw-Hill
• Data di pubblicazione: 2010
• Lingua: Inglese
• ISBN 10: 0071746501
• ISBN 13: 9780071746502
• Rilegatura: Copertina flessibile
• Numero edizione: 2
• Numero di pagine: 288
• Contatto del produttore: Messaggerie Libri; ufficio.anagrafiche@meli.it; ; Via Verdi, 8.; Assago Milano; 20090; Italia