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JUNE 15 (SUNDAY)—I find it almost impossible to get underway again: my mind seems blank and disinterested in these fictions. I give up after 500-words of a preliminary nature.
MONDAY 16—Feeling just as hopeless—feeling that I may not, after all, be able to complete anything. But I write 2000-words pertaining to the chapter, and things begin to break, or crumble & seethe.
TUESDAY 17—Reluctance! Reluctance always! We hate original work, we human beings. Wrote 1800-words pertaining. I’m back in these regions of fumbling dark uncertain creation, but it’s my one and only world, and I’ll do the best I can. What would be the best medium for earnest thoughts if not a novel—earnest thoughts refined, as from crude one, into earnest motives—and the unconscious intuitive drift of great theme—thoughts rushing. I often think a notebook is better—but no, a novel, the very tale of earnestness and life-meaning, is the best thing. (“It will be better for you.”—Mohammed)
WEDNESDAY 18—A great physical lassitude and physical melancholy. I eat a big meal at 1 A.M. and walk two miles* and do some writing—1800-words. Something’s wrong—I keep saying, “Why do I have to write this?” It would be far better if I were asking myself—“Why do I want to write this?” That’s the greatest writing, the unconscious. Someday I’ll learn, someday I’ll learn. I’ve got to do this now, though—how best to do it, that’s the problem. A monstrous job, but alright if I can only believe in its sure real progress. I wish I could write from the point of view of one hero instead of giving everyone in the story his due value—this makes me confused, many times disgusted. After all, I’m human, I have my beliefs. I put nonsense in the mouths of characters I don’t like, and this is tedious, discouraging, disgusting. Why doesn’t God appear to tell me I’m on the right track? What foolishness!
THURSDAY 19—Read Tolstoy’s moral essays and I writhed and wrestled to the conclusion that morality, moral concept, is a form of melancholy. Not for me, not for me! Moral behaviour, yes, but no concepts whatever. There is a lugubrious senility in morality which is devoid of real life. Let’s just say—the substance of things is good, its form is good too until the form dries up, and then anyway, being bad, useless, outworn, the substance marches off and leaves the form- husk there. All very general. I concluded that Dostoevsky’s wisdom is the highest wisdom in the world, because it is not only Christ’s wisdom, but a Karamazov Christ of lusts and glees.* Let’s have a morality that does not exclude sheer life—loving! Poor Tolstoy, anguished because he started rich and profligate—yet when a Count retires to the peasants, it’s really of some account to the world (pun intended.) Tolstoy must have been self-conscious of his moral importance in the eyes of the world. But Dostoevsky, Shakespeare—their morality grows in the earth, is hidden there and brooding. Dostoevsky never had to retire to morality, he was always it, and everything else also. (Today’s busy thoughts.) Wrote 2000-words, walked at night, saw a terrible auto crackup, but nobody killed.
FRIDAY 20—Things going smoothly again in my soul. Back to the humility and decency of writing-life. A Galloway* friend visited me in the afternoon; but wrote again at night. It occurs to me that one of the gutsiest, greatest ideas a writer can have is that he writes about someone merely “to show what kind of a mad character he is.” This idea has to be understood in the American sense. My Galloway friend wants specific conclusions from literary art, I agree with him, and I think nothing is more specific about a person than the tone and substance of his personality, his being, the fury and feel and look of it. To show “what a mad character” Francis is, I wrote a sketch of someone else in such a way as you may or may not like this someone else, but you see that Francis definitely does not like him.† And what is the purpose of these arts and devices?—what is the point of Francis’ dislike of someone else?—specifically, that’s the kind of character he is, that’s what he does. This would take too long to explain—at least, this is my mood tonight, a good one, and I got to writing at 1 A.M. and wrote on final draft of this week’s 8000-words.
SATURDAY 21—Day off. Went out in N.Y.
SUNDAY 22—Another thought that helps a writer as he works along—let him write his novel “the way he’d like to see a novel written.” This helps a great deal freeing you from the fetters of self- doubt and the kind of self-mistrust that leads to over-revision, too much calculation, preoccupation with “what others would think.” Look at your own work and say, “This is a novel after my own heart!” Because that’s what it is anyway, and that’s the point—it’s worry that must be eliminated for the sake of individual force. In spite of all this insouciant advice, I myself advanced slowly today, but not poorly, working on the final draft of the chapter. I’m a little rusty. Oh and what a whole lot of bunk I could write this morning about my fear that I can’t write, I’m ignorant and worst of all, I’m an idiot trying to achieve something I can’t possibly do. It’s in the will, in the heart! To hell with these rotten doubts. I defy them and spit on them. Merde!
MONDAY 23—Wrote in the afternoon for several hours, went into N.Y. on business of a minor sort, and came back at night and wrote some more. A day of intense feelings, described elsewhere, a day of great rending thoughts that twist one back to face sudden realities heretofore avoided—and there you are, facing them, like looking into the sun, blinking, admitting the truth. Well, a very dramatic way of growing up, and of describing it. The details of it?—a fraction of those thoughts on paper and I would have enough thematic material to write ten epic American novels (maybe a couple of Siamese novels thrown in.) If the ordinary men, the men who work and keep their silence, by which fact they are not ordinary after all—if, then, the general run of men, were to write down all their thoughts or a fraction of them, what a universe of literatures we’d have! And I struggle with these pencil-marks and scribblings.
TUESDAY 24—Wrote on the final draft. Chapter will be 10,000-wds. long now.
WEDNESDAY 25—Wrote. Am reading the New Testament, really for the first time.
THURSDAY 26—Wrote on final draft, working slowly. Went to N.Y. to complete plans for going to sea this summer—I need to make a living.* Can I go about in camel’s hair, and leathern gird, and subsist on locust and wild honey?—(I probably co...
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