Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It - Brossura

Pease, Allan; Pease, Barbara

Brossura

ISBN 10: 0767907639 ISBN 13: 9780767907637

Casa editrice: Harmony/Rodale/Convergent, 2001

Riassunto

Have you ever wished your partner came with an instruction booklet? This international bestseller is the answer to all the things you've ever wondered about the opposite sex.

For their controversial new book on the differences between the way men and women think and communicate, Barbara and Allan Pease spent three years traveling around the world, collecting the dramatic findings of new research on the brain, investigating evolutionary biology, analyzing psychologists, studying social changes, and annoying the locals.

The result is a sometimes shocking, always illuminating, and frequently hilarious look at where the battle line is drawn between the sexes, why it was drawn, and how to cross it. Read this book and understand--at last!--why men never listen, why women can't read maps, and why learning each other's secrets means you'll never have to say sorry again.

Su questo libro

Informazioni sull?autore

Barbara Pease is CEO of Pease Training International and the author of the international bestseller Memory Language. She divides her time between England and Australia, trying to find her way home from the airport. Alan Pease is a full-time speaker, conducting seminars in thirty countries with a client list that includes IBM, McDonald's, and the BBC. He is also the author of five #1 bestsellers, and spends most of his free time practicing listening when he's being spoken to.

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Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps

How We're Different and What to Do about ItBy Barbara Pease

Broadway Books

Copyright ©2001 Barbara Pease
All right reserved.
ISBN: 9780767907637

Chapter One

Men and women are different. Not better or worse?different.Just about the only thing they have in common isthat they belong to the same species. They live in differentworlds, with different values and according to quite differentsets of rules. Everyone knows this, but very few people, particularlymen, are willing to admit it. The truth, however, is most definitelyout there. Look at the evidence. Around 50 percent ofmarriages end in divorce in Western countries, and most seriousrelationships stop short of becoming long-term. Men and womenof every culture, creed, and hue constantly argue over their partners'opinions, behavior, attitudes, and beliefs.

Some Things Are Obvious

When a man goes to a rest room, he usually goes for one reasonand one reason only. Women use rest rooms as social lounges andtherapy rooms. Women who go to a rest room as strangers cancome out best friends and lifelong buddies. But everyone wouldbe instantly suspicious of the man who called out, "Hey Frank,I'm going to the toilet. You wanna come with me?"

    Men dominate TV remote controls and flick through the channels;women don't mind watching the commercials. Under pressure,men drink alcohol and invade other countries; women eatchocolate and go shopping.

    Women criticize men for being insensitive, uncaring, not listening,not being warm and compassionate, not talking, not givingenough love, not being committed to relationships, wanting tohave sex rather than make love, and leaving the toilet seat up.

    Men criticize women about their driving, for not being able toread street directories, for turning maps upside down, for theirlack of a sense of direction, for talking too much without gettingto the point, for not initiating sex often enough, and for leavingthe toilet seat down. Men can never find a pair of socks, but theirCDs are in alphabetical order. Women can always find the missingset of car keys but rarely the most direct route to their destination.Men think they're the more sensible sex. Women know they are.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

It's unknown It's never happened.

    Men marvel at the way a woman can walk into a room full ofpeople and give an instant commentary on everyone; women can'tbelieve men are so unobservant. Men are amazed at how a womancan't see a red flashing oil light on the car dashboard but can spota dirty sock in a dark corner 20 feet away. Women are bewilderedby men who can consistently parallel park a car in a tight spotusing a rearview mirror but can never find the G spot.

    If a woman is out driving and gets lost, she'll stop and ask for directions.To a man, this is a sign of weakness. He'll drive around incircles for hours, muttering things like, "I've found a new way to getthere" or "I'm in the general area" and "Hey, I recognize that gasstation!"

Different Job Specs

Men and women evolved differently because they had to. Menhunted, women gathered. Men protected, women nurtured. As aresult, their bodies and brains evolved in completely differentways.

    As their bodies physically changed to adapt to their specificfunctions, so did their minds. Men grew taller and stronger thanmost women, while their brains developed to suit their tasks.Women were mostly content for men to work away as they kept thecave fires burning, and their brains evolved to cope with their functionin life.

    Over millions of years, the brain structures of men andwomen thus continued to change in different ways. Now we knowthe sexes process information differently. They think differently.They believe different things. They have different perceptions, priorities,and behaviors.

    To pretend otherwise is a recipe for heartache, confusion, anddisillusionment all your life.

The "Stereotype" Argument

Since the late 1980s, there has been an explosion of research intomale and female differences and the way both the male and femalebrains work. For the first time ever, advanced computer brain-scanningequipment has allowed us to see the brain operating"live" and, with that peek into the vast landscape of the humanmind, has provided us with many of the answers to the questionsabout male and female differences. The research discussed in thisbook has been collected from studies in scientific, medical, psychological,and sociological studies, and it all points clearly to onething: All things are not equal; men and women are different. Formost of the twentieth century those differences were explainedaway by social conditioning; that is, we are who we are because ofour parents' and teachers' attitudes, which in turn reflected the attitudesof their society. Baby girls were dressed in pink and givendolls to play with; baby boys were dressed in blue and giventoy soldiers and football jerseys. Young girls were cuddled andtouched while boys were thumped on the back and told not to cry.Until recently, it was believed that when a baby was born its mindwas a clean slate on which its teachers could write its choicesand preferences. The biological evidence now available, however,shows a somewhat different picture of why we think the way wedo. It shows convincingly that it is our hormones and brain wiringthat are largely responsible for our attitudes, preferences, and behavior.This means that if boys and girls grew up on a desertedisland with no organized society or parents to guide them, girlswould still cuddle, touch, make friends, and play with dolls, whileboys would compete mentally and physically with each other andform groups with a clear hierarchy.

The wiring of our brain in the womb and the
effect of hormones will determine how we think
and behave.

    As you will see, the way our brains are wired and the hormonespulsing through our bodies are the two factors that largelydictate, long before we are born, how we will think and behave.Our instincts are simply our genes determining how our bodieswill behave in given sets of circumstances.

Is It All a Male Conspiracy?

Since the 1960s a number of pressure groups have tried to persuadeus to buck our biological legacy. They claim that governments, religions,and education systems have added up to nothing more thana plot by men to suppress women, colluding to keep good womendown. Keeping women pregnant was a way of controlling themeven more.

    Certainly, historically, that's how it appears. But the questionneeds to be asked: If women and men are identical, as thesegroups claim, how could men ever have achieved such total dominanceover the world? The study of how the brain works nowgives us many answers. We are not identical. Men and womenshould be equal in terms of their opportunities to exercise theirfull potential, but they are definitely not identical in their innateabilities. Whether men and women are equal is a political or moralquestion, but whether they are identical is a scientific one.

The equality of men and women is a political
or moral issue; the essential difference is
a scientific one.

    Those who resist the idea that our biology affects our behavioroften do so with the best of intentions?they oppose sexism. Butthey are confused about the difference between equal and identical,which are two completely different issues. In this book, you will seehow science confirms that men and woman are profoundly differentboth physically and mentally. They are not the same.

    We have investigated the research of leading palaeontologists,ethnologists, psychologists, biologists, and neuroscientists. Thebrain differences between women and men are now clear, beyondall speculation, prejudice, or reasonable doubt.

    When weighing the differences between males and females discussedin this book, some people may say, "No, that's not like me, Idon't do that!" Well, maybe they don't. But we are dealing here withaverage men and women, that is, how most men and women behavemost of the time, in most situations, and for most of the past."Average" means that if you are in a room full of people you'll noticethat men are bigger and taller than women, in fact 7 percenttaller and an average of 8 percent bigger. The tallest or biggest personin the room may be a woman, but overall the men are biggerand taller than the women. In the Guinness Book of World Records,the biggest and tallest people have almost always been men. Thetallest human on record was Robert Peshing, who stood eight feeteleven inches, and the tallest person in 1998 was Alan Channa ofPakistan, who was seven feet seven and one-quarter inch. Historybooks are full of "Big Johns" and "Little Suzies." This is not sexist.It's fact.

Where We (the Authors) Stand

Reading this book, some people may begin to feel smug, arrogant,or angry. This is because, to a greater or lesser extent, they are victimsof idealistic philosophies that claim women and men are thesame. So let's clarify our position on this now. We, the authors, arewriting this book to help you develop and improve your relationshipswith both sexes. We believe that men and women shouldhave equal opportunity to pursue a career path in any field theychoose and that equally qualified people should receive equalcompensation for the same effort.

    Difference is not the opposite of equality. Equality meansbeing free to choose to do the things we want to do, and differencemeans that, as men or women, we may not want to do the samethings.

    Our aim is to look objectively at male and female relationships,explain the history, meanings, and implications involved,and develop techniques and strategies for a happier and more fulfillingway of life. We don't beat around the bush with suppositionsor politically correct clichés. If something looks like a duck,sounds like a duck, walks like a duck, and there is enough evidenceto prove it's a duck, then that's what we call it.

    The evidence presented here shows that the sexes are intrinsicallyinclined to behave in different ways. We are not suggestingthat either sex is bound to behave, or should behave, in any particularway.

The Nature Versus Nurture Argument

Melissa gave birth to twins, a girl and a boy. Jasmine she wrappedin a pink blanket, and Adam, in a blue one. Relatives brought softfluffy toys as gifts for Jasmine and a toy soccer ball and a tiny footballjersey for Adam. Everyone cooed and Mooed and talked softlyto Jasmine, telling her she was pretty and gorgeous, but it was usuallyonly the female relatives who picked her up and cuddled her.When the male relatives visited, they focused mostly on Adam,speaking noticeably louder, poking his belly, bouncing him upand down, and proposing a future as a football player.

    Such a scenario will be familiar to everyone. It does, however,raise the question: Is this adult behavior caused by our biology, or isit learned behavior that is perpetuated from generation to generation?Is it nature or nurture?

    For most of the twentieth century, psychologists and sociologistsbelieved that most of our behavior and preferences werelearned from our social conditioning and our environment. However,we know that nurturing is a learned phenomenon?adoptivemothers, whether they are human or monkey, usually do a superbjob of nurturing their infants. Scientists, on the other hand, haveargued that biology, chemistry, and hormones are largely responsible.Since 1990, there has been overwhelming evidence to supportthis scientific view that we are born with much of our brainsoftware already in place. The fact that men were usually thehunters and women the nurturers even today dictates our behavior,beliefs, and priorities. A major study at Harvard Universityshows that we not only behave differently toward boy and girlbabies, we also use different words. To baby girls we softly say,"You're so sweet," "You're a little sweetheart," "You're a beautifullittle girl," and to baby boys we raise our voices and say, "Hey, bigboy!" and "Wow, you're so strong!"

    Yet giving Barbie dolls to girls and action figures to boys doesnot create their behavior; it simply exacerbates it. Similarly, theHarvard study found that adults' distinctive behavior toward babygirls and boys only accentuated the differences that already exist.When you put a duck on a pond, it starts to swim. Look beneaththe surface, and you'll see that the duck has webbed feet. If you analyzeits brain, you'll find that it evolved with a "swimming module"already in place. The pond is just where the duck happens tobe at the time. It is not causing the duck's behavior.

    Research shows that we are more products of our biology thanthe victims of social stereotypes. We are different because ourbrains are wired differently. This causes us to perceive the world indifferent ways and have different values and priorities. Not betteror worse?different.

Your Human Guidebook

This book is like a guidebook to visit a foreign culture or country.It contains local slang and phrases, body language signals, and aninsight into why the inhabitants are the way they are.

    Most tourists travel to foreign countries without having donemuch local research and become intimidated or critical becausethe locals won't speak English or cook burgers and fries. But toenjoy and benefit from the experience of another culture youmust first understand its history and evolution. Then you need tolearn basic phrases. For a deeper appreciation of that culture youneed to sample their lifestyle, get firsthand experience. That wayyou won't look, sound, and act like a tourist?the kind of personwho would have benefited just as much from staying at home andmerely thinking of other lands.

    This book will show you how to enjoy and benefit from theknowlege of the opposite sex. But first you must understand itshistory and evolution.

On a visit to Windsor Castle in England, an
American tourist was heard to say, "It's a
wonderful castle, but why did they build it so
close to the airport?"

    This book deals in facts and reality. It's about real people,authentic research, actual events, and recorded conversations.And you don't need to worry about dendrites, corpus callosum,neuropeptides, magnetic resonance imaging, and serotonin in researchingbrain function. We did, but we're now keepingeverything as simple as possible to make it easy to read. We deallargely with a relatively recent science called sociobiology?thestudy of how behavior is explained by our genes and our evolution.

    You will discover a powerful set of concepts, techniques, andstrategies that are scientifically substantiated and appear, for themost part, to be obvious or common sense. We've cast aside alltechniques, practices, or opinions that aren't grounded in, orproved by, science.

    We deal here with the modern naked ape?the ape who controlsthe world with megacomputers and can land on Mars, andwho can still be traced directly back to a fish. Millions of yearswere spent developing us as a species, yet today we are thrust intoa technological, politically correct world that makes little or no allowancefor our biology.

    It took us nearly 100 million years to evolve into a society sophisticatedenough to put a man on the moon, but he still had togo to the toilet like his primitive ancestors when he got there. Humansmay look a little different from one culture to another, butunderneath, our biological needs and urges are the same. We willdemonstrate how our different behavioral traits are inherited orpassed on from generation to generation with, as you will see,practically no cultural differences.

    Let's now take a brief look at how our brain evolved.

How We Got This Way

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, men and women livedhappily together and worked in harmony. The man would ventureout each day into a hostile and dangerous world to risk his life asa hunter to bring food back to his woman and their children, andhe would defend them against savage animals or enemies. He developedlong-distance navigational skills so he could locate foodand bring it home, and excellent marksmanship skills so that hecould hit a moving target. His job description was straightforward:he was a lunch chaser, and that's all anyone expected of him.

    The woman, however, felt valued because her man would puthis life on the line to care for his family. His success as a man wasmeasured by his ability to make a kill and bring it home, and hisself-worth was measured by her appreciation for his struggle andeffort. The family depended on him to carry out his job descriptionas a lunch chaser and protector?and nothing else. There wasnever any need for him to "analyze the relationship," and he wasn'texpected to put out the garbage or help change the diapers.

    The woman's role was equally clear. Being appointed thechildbearer directed the way she would evolve and how her skillswould become specialized to meet that role. She needed to be ableto monitor her immediate surroundings for signs of danger, haveexcellent short-range navigational skills, using landmarks to findher way, and have a highly tuned ability to sense small changes inthe behavior and appearance of children and adults. Things weresimple: He was the lunch chaser, she was the nest defender.

    Her day was spent caring for her children, collecting fruits,vegetables, and nuts, and interacting with the other women in thegroup. She did not have to concern herself with the major foodsupply or fighting enemies, and her success was measured by herability to sustain family life. Her self-worth came from the man'sappreciation of her homemaking and nurturing skills. Her abilityto bear children was considered magical, even sacred, for shealone held the secret to giving life. She was never expected to huntanimals, fight enemies, or change lightbulbs.

    Survival was difficult, but the relationship was easy. And thiswas the way it was for hundreds of thousands of years. At the endof each day, the hunters would return with their kill. The kill wasdivided equally, and everyone would eat together in the communalcave. Each hunter would trade part of his kill with the womanfor her fruit and vegetables.

    After the meal, the men would sit around the fire, gazing intoit, playing games, telling stories, or sharing jokes. It was a prehistoricman's version of flicking TV channels with his remote controlor being absorbed in a newspaper. They were exhausted fromtheir hunting efforts and were recuperating to begin the huntagain the next day. The women would continue to tend the childrenand make sure the men were sufficiently fed and rested. Eachappreciated the other's efforts. Men were not considered lazy, andwomen were not seen as their oppressed handmaidens.

    These simple rituals and behaviors still exist among ancientcivilizations in places like Borneo, parts of Africa and Indonesia,and with some Aboriginal Australians, New Zealand Maoris, andthe Inuit of Canada and Greenland. In these cultures each personknows and understands his or her role. Men appreciate women,and women appreciate men. Each sees the other as uniquely contributingto the family's survival and well-being. But for men andwomen who live in modern, civilized countries, these old rules havebeen thrown out?and chaos, confusion, and unhappiness havebeen left in their place.

We Didn't Expect It to Be Like This

The family unit is no longer solely dependent on men for its survival,and women are no longer expected to stay at home as nurturersand homemakers. For the first time in the history of ourspecies, most men and women are confused about their job descriptions.You, the reader of this book, are the first generation ofhumans to face a set of circumstances that your forefathers or -mothersnever had to tackle. For the first time ever, we are lookingto our partners for love, passion, and personal fulfillment becausebasic survival is no longer critical. Our modern socialstructure usually provides a basic level of subsistence through socialsecurity, Medicare, consumer protection laws, and variousgovernment institutions. So what are the new rules, and where doyou learn them? This book attempts to provide some answers.

Why Mom and Dad Can't Help

If you were born before 1960, you grew up watching your parentsbehave toward each other based on the ancient rules of male andfemale survival. Your parents were repeating the behavior theylearned from their parents, who in turn were copying their parents,who mimicked their parents, and back it goes to the ancient cavepeople in their clearly defined roles.

    Now the rules have changed completely, and your parentsdon't know how to help. The divorce rate for newlyweds now isaround 50 percent and, taking de facto and gay relationships intoconsideration, the real breakup rate for couples is likely to be over70 percent. We need to learn a new set of rules in order to discoverhow to be happy and survive emotionally intact into the twenty-firstcentury.

We're Still Just Another Animal

Most people have difficulty thinking of themselves as just anotheranimal. They refuse to face the fact that 96 percent of what can befound in their bodies can also be found inside a pig or a horse. Theonly thing that makes us different from other animals is our abilityto think and make forward plans. Other animals can only respondto situations based on the built-in wiring of their brain andby repetition of behavior. They cannot think; they can only react.

    Most people accept and acknowledge that animals have instinctsthat largely determine their behavior. This instinctive behavioris easy to see?birds sing, frogs croak, male dogs lift theirleg, and cats stalk their prey. But these are not intellectual behaviors,so many people have difficulty making the connection betweenthis behavior and their own. They even ignore the fact thattheir own first behaviors were instinctive?crying and sucking.

    Whatever positive or negative behaviors we inherit from ourparents are likely to be passed on to our children the same way ithappens with all animals. When we as humans accept ourselves asanimals whose impulses are honed by millions of years of evolution,it makes it easier to understand our basic urges, and to bemore accepting of ourselves and others. And therein lies the wayto true happiness.

Continues...

Excerpted from Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Mapsby Barbara Pease Copyright ©2001 by Barbara Pease. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Dettagli dell?edizione

• Editore: Harmony/Rodale/Convergent
• Data di pubblicazione: 2001
• Lingua: Inglese
• ISBN 10: 0767907639
• ISBN 13: 9780767907637
• Rilegatura: Copertina flessibile
• Numero di pagine: 272
• Contatto del produttore: non disponibile