Don't Be That Guy: A Collection of 60 Annoying Guys We All Know and Wish We Didn't - Brossura

Nissan, Colin; Farrell, Sean

Brossura

ISBN 10: 0307450368 ISBN 13: 9780307450364

Casa editrice: Three Rivers Press, 2009

Riassunto

Have you ever heard a guy say, “We’re pregnant,” and wanted to hurt him?
Do you have a friend who insists a stripper was into him every time you leave a strip club?
Do you know a guy who emails you the kind of porn that makes you want to cry then vomit?
These are just a few of the many guys you’ll find in Don’t Be That Guy.

Su questo libro

Informazioni sull?autore

COLIN NISSAN is an award-winning advertising copywriter. When he isn’t hawking needless goods, he’s contributing to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and blogging for the Huffington Post.

SEAN FARRELL is an award-winning advertising art director who also designs movie posters for 20th Century Fox and a line of greeting cards, Bald Guy Greetings.

Estratto. © Ristampato con autorizzazione. Tutti i diritti riservati.

Chapter 1
SPORTS & FITNESS
Guys who insist on playing everything shirts & skins


We get it. You’re very attractive. Your chest and abs are well-defined. Your skin is tanned and, dare I say, supple. It must be nice to live in your world, actually looking forward to opportunities to unveil your Aryan genealogy. 

We, on the other hand, are pear-shaped. We have bacne, outee belly buttons, and weird nipples. Our bodies aren’t something we’re eager to showcase. In fact, it wasn’t long ago that we became comfortable swimming shirtless.


So let’s all just take a moment to memorize our teammates’ faces. There are only five of us; it shouldn’t be too hard.


Guys who are more comfortable nude at the gym than I am at home

Exactly how much of a hindrance would a towel around your waist be while you shave or clean your ears? Even when you weigh yourself, couldn’t you just deduct a pound to account for the extra weight?


I think you could.


It seems you’ve found yourself a nice little loophole in the anti-exhibitionism laws of our great country. Good for you, nude gym guy. And pretty damned awful for us.


Guys who verbally encourage themselves while working out


It’s always great to see a guy offering up friendly encouragement at the gym. Except when it’s to himself. An under-your-breath rep count is perfectly understandable, but here’s what we don’t want to hear:


“Come on, Jimmy, come on, buddy, pump that shit, that’s it, fuckin’ pump it, bitch! You feel that burn? You feel that shit? Yeah, you do, Jimmy! Yeah, you do!!” 


The funny thing is, this self-pep talk would work just as well if you think it....


But it’s not about that, is it, Jimmy?


Obese Guys who lose to skinny guys in eating competitions


While there are very few benefits to being plus-sized, there are fleeting moments of grandeur. Like when you’re sitting next to an eighty-five-pound Japanese kid at a hot-dog-eating contest. There isn’t an anatomical or psychological reason for you to lose here. You should win, then eat him—partly to send a message, and partly because you could still use a little something. So unless you want all those hours at Sizzler to be in vain, I suggest you start shoveling some weenies down your throat.


Guys who know more about sports than we wish they did


Your ability to retain such a wealth of information is truly amazing. Your inability to shut your pie-hole, however, is infuriating. No one asked how many triple-doubles LeBron had last season. No one asked how many touchdowns Manning threw for in 2004. But you still tell us. And tell us.


Hey, in the spirit of sports trivia questions, here’s one for you: Who’s about to get a right uppercut to the nuts?


Guys who work out with their girlfriends


Aren’t you just capital “A” adorable, as you struggle through the most impractical exercise partnership on the planet? Hauling those forty-five-pound plates on and off the bar every two minutes. Constantly readjusting each machine to account for your twelve-inch height difference.
It’s a lot of work. Not only that, but you and Cuddlebums are on a very short road to Stifleville. Living, eating, and sleeping together are just about all most relationships can handle.


Guys who know karate who’ve never kicked anyone’s ass


In all the years since we’ve known you, we haven’t seen you punch a single person, let alone brush someone off with one of those roundhouse kicks we’ve been hearing so much about. All we ever see you do is stretch out. And reason with people. It’s upsetting. 


We’d like to believe you’re bound by some ancient code of honor because of your unfair advantage over opponents. But odds are leaning toward you just being a huge pussy. You paid good money to learn how to tear someone’s larynx out of his throat. Frankly, it’s troubling to watch you squander it. At the very least, it wouldn’t kill you to break a frigging board in half for us.


Guys who still wonder how much we can bench


Take a good look at my body. I haven’t picked up a free weight in about ten years, and I’m pretty sure you haven’t either. This isn’t something you should be even remotely curious about anymore. But you are.

I know I’m in for it every time the topic of exercise comes up—you get that weird look in your eye, then you scan my torso, make that little head nod at me, and out it comes. I promise if I stop doing water aerobics and start maxing out again, I’ll let you know how I do. 

Guys who are way too into their company softball team


Let me guess...you were a scouted high school player and would have gotten that scholarship if you hadn’t torn your ACL in the division playoffs? 

Well, a couple of things have changed since then, like you being a middle-aged accountant now. The scouts are long gone, I’m afraid, so you can stop double-gunning the other accountants and try to enjoy your very uncompetitive game of softball. The rest of us are here for one very specific reason: free beer at the post-game bar. And the sooner you stop arguing with the volunteer ump, the sooner we can make that happen.


Guys in steam rooms with wandering eyes


Besides loosening our muscles, this steam is serving another very important purpose. It’s keeping us from seeing each other’s genitals. So when the steam cloud lifts between surges, and the faint, hazy images of our wee-wees become all too clear, please keep your head down. 
In a few moments, the haze will be back and order will once again be restored.


Guy gym trainers with terrible bodies


You know when you’re encouraging me to battle through one more crunch, and I hesitate? It’s not because I’m tired. It’s because I’m staring at your enormous spare tire wondering why the hell I’m taking exercise advice from Grimace. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t do the exact opposite of what you tell me. Because as it stands now with your man-boobs dangling in my face, I’m not feeling it. 

Guys who bring their own pool sticks to bars


There’s really only one thing to say here: You better be fucking amazing at pool. 


I’m not talking beat-your-friends amazing, I’m talking trick-shots-with-flaming-rings amazing.
Honestly, what do you think we’re thinking while you screw that thing together and chalk up your hands? I’ll tell you: “Please, Lord, let him rip the felt on his break.” Something possessed you to leave your house carrying a long, leather-sheathed case. For your sake, I hope it’s talent.

Dettagli dell?edizione

• Editore: Three Rivers Press
• Data di pubblicazione: 2009
• ISBN 10: 0307450368
• ISBN 13: 9780307450364
• Rilegatura: Copertina flessibile
• Lingua: Inglese
• Numero di pagine: 176
• Contatto del produttore: non disponibile