The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents - Brossura

Carter, Les

Brossura

ISBN 10: 0787969036 ISBN 13: 9780787969035

Casa editrice: Jossey-Bass, 2004

Riassunto

In this practical book, anger experts Drs. Les Carter and Frank Minirth–coauthors of the bestselling The Anger Workbook–show families how the "blame game" (parents blame the kids and kids blame the parents) doesn’t work. Instead they provide insight for dealing with the root causes of anger. In a perfect blend of biblical wisdom and psychological research, they show readers how to understand what can be right about anger, distinguish between healthy and unhealthy anger, recognize how anger can be managed more successfully by controlling desires and insecurities and addressing other underlying issues, and much more. Filled with real-life examples, checklists, evaluation tools, and study questions, this valuable resource for any parent with a preteen or teenager will help parents understand and manage their children’s anger–as well as their own–and show how to create harmony at home.

Su questo libro

Informazioni sull?autore

Dr. Les Carter is a nationally known psychotherapist at the Minirth Clinic in Richardson, Texas, where he has practiced since 1980. He has authored or coauthored seventeen books including The Anger Trap from Jossey-Bass.
Dr. Frank Minirth is president of the Minirth Clinic, which he founded in 1975. The author or coauthor of more than fifty books, he is featured on "Life Perspectives" with Don Hawkins, a national program currently on fifty-five stations, and on "American Family Radio," currently on two hundred radio stations in America.

Praise for The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents

"Parents will recognize themselves in this book. ?That?s me, been there, and said that.? In easily implemented steps, the authors provide insightful, practical suggestions for changing the anger factor in family interactions."
?Dr. Garry L. Landreth, Regents professor and director, Center for Play Therapy, University of North Texas

"Les Carter and Frank Minirth give you all you need to know about how to use this dicey emotion to your advantage so that you become the parent you want to be. As a parent of two boys, I found this resource invaluable, and I know you will too."
?Les Parrott, Ph.D., author, High-Maintenance Relationships

Estratto. © Ristampato con autorizzazione. Tutti i diritti riservati.

The Anger Workbook for Christian Parents

By Les Carter Frank Minirth

Jossey-Bass

Copyright © 2004 Les Carter
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-7879-6903-5

Chapter One

THE PURPOSE OF ANGER

STEP 1: Learn to identify what is behind the expression of anger, and make that a primary focus.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." These are the opening words of Charles Dickens's A Tale of Two Cities. Certainly Mr. Dickens did not intend to apply them to the life of teenagers and preteens. His focus was quite separate. Hardly any parent, however, would refute these words as an apt description of life in a home with maturing youths.

As children begin to take on the looks and thoughts of adults-in-waiting, they can be a delight, given their ability to relate with a keener mind and increased wit and higher reasoning. Parents can actually enjoy a young person's enhanced abilities to contribute to the overall good of the household more fully than in previous years. It can be a blessing that the child has greater capacity for maintaining responsibilities and communicating with deeper awareness. The youth's increased desire for independence, when channeled appropriately, is the beginning of interactions with parents that are less authoritarian and more typical of the mutual respect that exists in a healthy adult relationship.

That same desire for independence, however, can be the impetus for great friction in the home. In most parent-teen relationships, a built-in friction exists because young people's overconfidence in themselves invariably clashes with their parents' desire for caution. Eager to spread their wings for flight, our youths may deem the wisdom of their elders unnecessary, only to discover that the elders are none too eager to be so summarily dismissed. The net result is ongoing conflict played out in the form of arguing, bargaining, and manipulation. The emotion beneath this conflict is anger.

Do you have a well-conceived plan for handling that anger? Do you know how to respond wisely when your young refute you? Have you taken the time to discern your own reasons for feeling angry? Do you recognize how patterns of control, insecurity, or fear can sabotage the emotional well-being of the home?

As you take the time to pore over the information in the pages to follow, you will be challenged to understand the anger that is sure to exist between yourself and the youths in your home. We are writing with the belief that the best way to teach your youngsters to handle anger appropriately is first to be aware of your own use of anger. Only as you understand your own emotional responses and how best to proceed with them can you guide your young in their emotions.

Most Christians are familiar with the traits listed in Galatians 5:22-23 as the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. These certainly represent the qualities most desired by the majority of parents as they address conflict with their young. How often, though, do these traits go flying out the window as sons and daughters act defiantly or disobediently? Anger has a way of running roughshod over parents' best-laid plans; before they know what hit them it takes priority over the fruit of the Spirit, and the home atmosphere is ruined.

Our goal, as we work with parents, is to help them understand the nature of anger and learn how to tame it so anger allows them to teach their young the ways of God. If anger remains a constant in parent-and-child interaction, the young person's emotional and spiritual development is hindered greatly. On the other hand, if anger is managed in a balanced manner, the groundwork is laid for deeper teaching about the paths of the righteous.

Let's begin with a fundamental realization. Some parents will say, "I don't feel angry very often, but I do have regular experiences with frustration and irritability." In saying this, they show a misunderstanding of anger. Implied in such a comment is the notion that anger is displayed only through loud, raucous behavior such as shouting or slamming doors. If you do not engage in such behavior, so the reasoning goes, you are not experiencing anger.

Indeed, anger is often accompanied by noisy and forceful communication, but it is not that narrow in scope. Frustration is anger. Irritability is anger. Likewise, anger is in play when you feel impatient, when you cling to critical thoughts, when you are annoyed, and when you punish through withdrawal. Anger is a broad emotion; it can be experienced whether you are loud or silent.

No doubt, you have heard that you should never discipline your children in anger. This represents a noble thought, but it does not run parallel with reality. Being a parent, you are going to have many moments of agitation, disgust, or annoyance. In other words, you will feel angry toward your children just as they will feel angry toward you. Not only are these reactions not strange, but they commonly become the motivation that spurs you to address problems. Rather than trying to have (or pretending you have) no feelings of anger, it is best to admit its presence so you can then make informed decisions about the wisest way to proceed.

Ephesians 6:4 instructs fathers not to provoke their children to wrath. This is not meant to be a biblical injunction against having anger in the home, but to handle anger-producing conflicts in a manner that is healing rather than harmful. Instead of determining never to have anger, it is more realistic to first learn to identify the many ways in which anger can be expressed, for the purpose of then choosing to address the anger in the most constructive way. Trying to be anger-free as a parent is not a realistic goal. Trying to recognize the reasons for the anger so as to be most effective in family communication is a realistic goal.

Ephesians 4:26 tells us to "be angry, and yet do not sin," meaning that it can be normal to have angry emotions. Just a few verses prior to that, in Ephesians 4:15, we find the phrase "speaking the truth in love," which implies that directness and confrontation can still be managed within a respectful framework. Whenever anger exists in your home (which it inevitably does), you have the option to manage it cleanly or to handle it in a less-than-constructive way. Our goal is to teach clean uses of anger that diminish the probability of ongoing dispute.

An Illustration

Rita spoke with Dr. Carter about her struggles with her two sons, Ryan and Ashton. They were twelve and fifteen, respectively. "Those boys are the two most competitive people on the planet," she explained. "Their communication with each other is an ongoing battle for an edge over the other. Naturally, since Ashton is older he usually has the upper hand in their arguments, but Ryan is pretty feisty, and he thinks he can outwit his brother on just about anything."

Their family life had many of the same tensions as any other. The boys argued over which television shows they wanted to watch. Among the four family members there was one computer, and of course the boys would argue about who was spending more time using it. Sometimes the computer was needed for homework assignments, other times it was desired for pleasure. Arguments that began over a minor subject, perhaps using the computer, would often gain an irrational momentum and turn into a nasty fight that included shouting and insulting words, and worse. Ryan and Ashton frequently appealed to their mother to pronounce judgment upon the other's lack of fair play.

For her part, Rita would try to play referee as calmly as possible, but on days when the bickering seemed both absurd and endless, she could explode. "What is it about you two that makes you feel you can spend your entire day arguing?" Her voice would be tense and condescending. Of course, such questions only fanned the flames, and never did she find good results by shouting and accusing. Nonetheless, friction and open conflict regularly visited their home as the same old broken patterns of communication were employed.

How about you? In what circumstances do you find yourself getting pulled in by your kids' behavior? (For instance, "My son will tell me exactly what he knows I want to hear, and then he'll do whatever he wants to do," or "If I'm going to get my daughter to do anything, I've got to constantly push her to get it done.")

_____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

Proverbs 29:22 reminds us that "an angry man stirs up strife and a hot tempered man abounds in aggression." How does your misuse of anger stir up strife in your kids once they see your anger on display? (For instance, "My son won't say a word, but I know he's thinking defiant thoughts," or "My daughter may break down in tears and protest that I just don't understand.")

_____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

Recognizing that Rita was flustered because she seemed too easily prone toward anger, Dr. Carter wanted to ease her harsh self-assessment: "You're not wrong or out of place to be feeling what you feel. Virtually any parent is going to dislike having to monitor two sons who seem to bicker constantly. If anything, you take the first step toward taming your anger when you admit that you feel it. It's hard to make healthy adjustments without first being keenly aware of its presence."

To help you begin learning how to handle anger wisely as a parent, let's first get a good idea of some of the many ways it can be shown. Look over this list and determine which responses are common in you and which are common in your children. You might place the appropriate initials beside the behaviors that fit with each family member.

____ Impatience over matters of presumed urgency

____ Open griping and complaining

____ Sulking and withdrawal

____ Offering rebuttals while not really showing understanding

____ Doing the opposite of what is expected ("I'll show you")

____ Easy or regular criticizing

____ Verbal expressions of annoyance and displeasure

____ Speaking in an adversarial tone of voice

____ Being persuasive or coercive

____ Name calling or character assassination

____ Having to be right, even when it promotes friction

____ Displays of an "I don't care" attitude

____ Use of sarcasm

____ Unwillingness to hear a differing perspective

____ Inability to accept those who have erred

____ Chronic stubbornness

____ A habit of quitting

____ Holding onto a grudge

____ Speaking ill of people behind their back

____ Pushing ideas or preferences in an overbearing manner

It's quite a list! Which of these forms of anger are most common in yourself? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

Which of these forms of anger would your children say are most common in you? ___________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

Which of these forms of anger are most common in your children? _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

Rita commented to Dr. Carter: "It's interesting to see how each of us in our family handles anger differently. Each of us has moments when we speak sharply or we get pulled into an adversarial style. I've noticed, though, that Ashton tends to try to keep a strong upper hand both against his little brother and against me. He can be the stubbornest person in the house as he'll just tune the rest of us out and do whatever he wants, knowing full well that he's creating friction. I actually think he enjoys it."

"How does this influence the rest of you?" asked Dr. Carter.

"Well, Ryan can't be quiet. He'll pitch a flying fit when his brother belittles him, and he's very capable of pestering his brother and me until he gets his way. If things don't unfold as he likes, then he goes into a meltdown and he'll sulk.

"Me, I'm all over the place with my anger," Rita continued. "Sometimes I'll shout at the boys, sometimes I'll ignore them and tell them to work it out without me. Sometimes I get hooked lecturing them, but that only turns into a loud debate. I wish my husband would take more of a lead in addressing these situations, but he's a conflict-avoider. He'll withdraw, and some days we won't hear from him for hours at a time."

Wanting to teach some positive skills, Dr. Carter said, "It's easy to conclude that methods of handling anger in your home leave much to be desired. Let's look beyond the ineffective methods of communication, though, and see if we can find anything right or good about the anger."

"Good?" came Rita's reaction. "You're suggesting there is something good in all this?"

"That's what I'm suggesting," replied the doctor. "Let's go down to the very core of your anger and determine what you're really trying to accomplish. If you could focus on the bottom-line message that is pushing your anger, it would help you determine how to communicate it more effectively."

The Purpose of Anger

Sure enough, anger can seem like an ugly, troublesome emotion having no place in a home that is trying to achieve peace or cooperation. Parents are often so focused on the poor behavior that accompanies anger that they miss the legitimate message spurring it in the first place. Let's not overlook the fact, though, that you might have something right to say in your anger. Likewise, though your children may not behave in a desirable way, amid all their anger there may be a legitimate message that needs to get out.

Think for a moment about what you are trying to accomplish each time you have anger to express. Undoubtedly, at the instant you feel angry, you are sensing that there is something not right in your environment. You are feeling ignored, dismissed, criticized, misunderstood, or rejected. Your anger, then, is acting as a push toward self-preservation. You want to be taken seriously. You want to feel that your voice is heard. Your anger could be understood as a motivation to do something to correct the things that are wrong.

Ephesians 4:26 indicates that there are certainly times when your anger can be an appropriate response ("Be angry, but without sin"). When your anger is triggered by one of your children, what is the valid message you want to communicate at that very moment? (For instance, "When my daughter whines time and again about time limits for the phone, I want her to respect my decisions and to recognize that I'm being reasonable," or "Whenever my son ignores me, I want him to show me some respect.") _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________

Can you recognize that your anger is spurred by a good goal? Though your methods may not always be the best, there is legitimacy in your message.

Now shift gears. You may not like the way your son or daughter expresses anger or acts defiantly, yet are you willing to acknowledge that the child may also have something legitimate pushing his or her anger? For instance, Ashton would express anger toward his younger brother, Ryan, because he did not respect his desire to use the computer. As their arguments over such matters escalated into ugly exchanges, it would become evident that disrespect was flying back and forth between the two boys. Their discussion would quickly deteriorate into ugly accusations, and then finally Ashton would speak in agitation to his mother about the situation. Even if Ashton was less than pleasant in presenting his arguments, he still might have an understandable concern. (So might Ryan, for that matter.)

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Anger Workbook for Christian Parentsby Les Carter Frank Minirth Copyright © 2004 by Les Carter. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Dettagli dell'edizione

• Editore: Jossey-Bass
• Data di pubblicazione: 2004
• Lingua: Inglese
• ISBN 10: 0787969036
• ISBN 13: 9780787969035
• Rilegatura: Copertina flessibile
• Numero di pagine: 272
• Contatto del produttore: non disponibile
• Persona responsabile: non disponibile