Eventual Variance - Brossura

Carter, Holly

Brossura

ISBN 10: 1095698842 ISBN 13: 9781095698846

Casa editrice: Independently published, 2019

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He flinches as my last question reaches his ear. My eyes are filling with tears and my throat burns raw with the promise of more vomit. My head hangs in defeat. Out of all the things said I feel more selfish than ever. To hear him recount the sacrifices he has made, and the pain he wears like a second skin, and I am thinking of myself! I’m not that girl described. I’m not compassionate, smart, or strong. I cower under pressure and wilt in the face of danger. How am I to make a difference? All I seemed to be able to think about is how unfair my life is. I want to close my eyes and open them to the life I was meant to live. A life where I am free to be the teenager I am. I want to lay in my bed and fantasize about Mason and imagine how it would feel to kiss him and hold his hand in public. Instead, I lay in bed at night thinking of a life I didn’t choose and of death. The grief and pain in these thoughts are so heavy I think I would welcome death. The peace and respite death would bring to my tired, weary soul is a beacon in the distance signaling safe harbor and calm seas. I see a chance to finally choose, to choose if I will stay here in this prison of the mind, a prison of the will, and a prison of hope. I want to have a choice. The only way to scream my independence is to end this sedated dance I have lived as my life. This is the only answer I have. I will not have someone make another choice for me. I will not cower in the corner of my mind in fear of what they will do to me. They have done their worst to me. They have bound my will and taken everything. If given a choice between this life and the choice of death, I choose death, every time.

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