Creating Survivors: Children Able to Navigate the Ups and Downs of Life With Grace - Brossura

Barnes, Debra Bopp, Ph.d.

Brossura

ISBN 10: 1467066265 ISBN 13: 9781467066266

Casa editrice: Authorhouse, 2011

Riassunto

Parenthood can be a delight, a blessing, and an experience that will give you many proud moments. Parenthood, on the contrary, can be frustrating, discouraging, and can lead to many tearful and embarrassing moments. This book will teach parents the tools necessary to create children who are survivors. Children who are independent, respectful, responsible, frugal, and resilient. I know parenting can be a joy, because my three wonderful loving children have given me a lifetime of joy and continue to do so. I also know that parenting can be a struggle and a major stress. Watching parents and children struggle has pushed me to write this book. My oldest son who is raising two beautiful girls said, "Make it short. We don't have time to read all the philosophical stuff." So here it is, practical tried and true methods for molding your child. Remember, some children will be easy. Some children will be very difficult. That is the nature of man. All the effort expended early on will come back in blessings ten fold. Keep the faith!

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Creating Survivors

Children Able to Navigate the Ups and Downs of Life with GraceBy Debra Bopp Barnes

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Debra Bopp Barnes
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4670-6626-6

Contents

A MUST READ for NEW PARENTS........................1INFANCY............................................3AS THE CHILD BECOMES MOBILE........................7SETTING BOUNDARIES.................................9BEING CONSISTENT...................................13USING INCENTIVES...................................17FOSTERING INDEPENDENCE.............................21DEVELOPING THE RESILIENT CHILD.....................25BUILDING CHARACTER.................................27MODELING RESPECT...................................33LEARNING VALUE OF MONEY............................35RAISING SURVIVORS..................................39TABLE..............................................41

Chapter One

A MUST READ for NEW PARENTS

Train your child and in the later years he will not waiver.

Parenthood can be a delight, a blessing, and an experience that will give you many proud moments. Parenthood, on the contrary, can be frustrating, discouraging, and can lead to many tearful and embarrassing moments.

Obviously when you decide to have a child, you are hoping for the first scenario.

I am sorry to say that hoping will not do the trick. You may think that what you do as a parent cannot guarantee that the first scenario will occur. You may think that children are born with different personalities, and that is true. Some children are definitely easier to parent and some are more difficult. But the truth is, the effort you put into parenting for the first few years will make all the difference.

It is true, children are born with traits. Some children are stubborn and some want to please. Some children are determined and some are flexible. Some children are more emotional and some are calm. The good thing is ALL children can be molded to achieve the desired outcome. The molding process must begin almost immediately.

Many new parents fall in the trap of tailoring their life and schedule to meet that of the new baby. I hear new parents say, "I cannot get my new baby to sleep at night," or "She wants to eat non-stop," or "She cries every time she is not being held." Have you ever seen a sign on the door, "Quiet, the baby is sleeping." Many times a new parent will give up a social life because, "The baby only sleeps in his crib!"

New parents must begin effective parenting immediately and continue through graduation. The wonderful news is the more effective your parenting early on, the more enjoyable parenting will be as the children grow and mature.

It is never too late to get started, however, children resist change. If children have developed habits, it will take more effort on the part of the parent to change those habits.

The effort is definitely worth it. If you do not expend the effort when the child is 2 years old or 4 years old or 6 or 10 ... you will regret it in the teen years and after.

So are you ready to get started? I hope so, for your sake, but mostly for the sake of your child. If your child does not learn to honor boundaries, if your child does not learn respect for adults, themselves and others, their life will be much more difficult and success will not come easily. Children without boundaries and without respect find their dreams beyond their reach. Doors close and bridges are burned by children who cross the boundaries and are disrespectful to the people around them.

INFANCY

The key to parenting an infant is love, schedule, and flexibility. You cannot give an infant too much love. What parents sometimes confuse with love is holding. Infants need lots of love, holding, and cuddling. Infants also need rest and sleep.

The first thing you want to work on is establishing a regular nap and bedtime schedule. Try to put your child down for a nap at approximately the same time no matter where you are. Encouraging a child to sleep in different locations breeds flexibility, while establishing a schedule. For small infants, take along a basket or pack and play for naps and bedtime. Establish a regular schedule of at least two nap times per day along with a 12 hour bedtime. Some infants need more sleep than others. You will be able to figure that out by how long the child sleeps during the established naptimes.

To increase flexibility, have the new infant nap right in the heart of the home. Run the sweeper, put on the TV or music, talk, and make noise in the kitchen. Developing the ability to sleep during regular household noise will really make your life easier.

If your child has already developed the habit of waking to noises, use a small fan by the infant's bed to mask the noises. Take this fan wherever you go so that your child can sleep no matter where they are. This allows the remainder of the family to go on with their life in a regular manner.

Infants need to learn to put themselves to sleep and to calm themselves. At bedtime, change the infant, feed them, rock them for a few minutes, and lay them in bed. Let the infant fuss until they fall asleep. At the toddler stage, add brushing teeth, and reading a book. Continue with the same routine. Once children are old enough to get out of bed on their own, if they get out of bed before sleeping, quickly and calmly put them back in bed. Do the same at night. Do not be tempted to let them sleep in your bed or you sleep in their bed. This is a habit that is very difficult to break. If the child reaches a stage where they say they are scared, put a small nightlight in the bedroom.

Not establishing a nap and bedtime is one of the most common mistakes parents make. This bad habit takes a huge toil on parent's health physically and emotionally. Not having enough sleep is stressful as well as physically debilitating. If you are worried, put a monitor in the child's room.

During infancy you will have to feed the child in the middle of the night. Change them and feed them with as little light as possible. Talk softly and quietly. After eating and changing, immediately put the child back to bed. The child will soon understand that nighttime is not play time and soon will sleep during the night. If the child starts waking up, but only fusses, as long as they are gaining weight steadily, do not pick up the child. Let them learn how to get back to sleep.

One mistake parents often make is letting the child sleep for a long time during the day. This is a down hill spiral. If you are tired because you were up all night, you will want the child to take long naps. As a result, the child will want to be awake during the night. The tricky part is that each child is different and you will have to learn the amount of sleep your child needs during a 24 hour period. As you figure this out, adjust the naps and bedtime so that the child is sleeping at least 10 hours during the nighttime hours. Guarantee a sound sleep at night by providing your child with stimulation and sufficient wake time during the day. During waking hours, that is the time to play with, cuddle and talk to your child. It is never too early to talk to your child. The human mind is incredible. Children start picking up information from day one.

Give your child opportunities to exercise. Place them on their back, their stomach, and on their side so they can exercise different body parts. Put toys or mobiles within grasp to encourage eye hand coordination and balance. Let the child sit on your lap with support. Put them over your shoulder so they can practice holding up their head. Put the child on your hip facing outward so the child can see their surroundings. Rotate holding the infant and letting them entertain themselves on the floor. As the child grows, increase the time on the ground, on their back and on their stomach. This increases muscle strength and encourages the child to entertain themselves.

Infants only need milk. If you are feeding the infant breast milk, it is a great idea to pump some milk and let the father or grandparent give one bottle a day. If you wait to do this until it is necessary for you to be gone, the infant will resist the bottle and may not take it at all. One bottle a day gives the mother an opportunity to get out of the house occasionally for a haircut, shopping trip, or girls' time.

Of course, if you work outside the home, this will be a daily occurrence. If you want to nurse while you are working, pump during your breaks, and save the milk for the daytime feedings. Don't hesitate to supplement with formula. The caretaker can feed the infant the breast milk and then finish off with formula. If you are going to work, introduce formula early on so that the child accepts the formula from the caretaker.

Begin introducing other foods as recommended by your child's physician.

AS THE CHILD BECOMES MOBILE

Infants can learn "No." As children become mobile, they will encounter dangerous or breakable items. Child proof your home, but not completely. You must give children an opportunity to learn, "No." If you deny your child this opportunity in your own home, you will not be able to take them to the home of others.

I would encourage you to take your child to as many places as possible. Unless your child has special health concerns, studies show that consistently exposing children to germs develops strong immunities within the child. Infants already have strong immunities from their mother. This is a great time to expose children to other people and places. Children who are protected from normal everyday germs are often sickly during the early years of school when they first are out in public.

To best stimulate play with your child, put out a few toys each day. Pack the rest away and rotate the toys on a regular basis. Too many toys are overwhelming and over stimulating.

Only having a few toys encourages the child to use the toys in a creative way. Make sure the toys have a place, such as a basket or bin easily accessible to the child.

The mobile child is never too young to help you put away the toys before nap time and bedtime. This also encourages children to be independent by allowing them to find the toys by themselves. Remember to change the toys in the bin and to pack the others out of sight. Remember also that "toys" do not have to be store bought. A shoe box and some blocks or containers with a lid filled with interesting objects are a fun alternative. A doll and a brush keep many children entertained. Items with an unusual texture or natural objects are just a few ideas to help your child learn while they are having fun. Make sure a small child does not have items small enough to swallow or get stuck in their airway. Always include a few books with the toys.

Read to your small child regularly. At first, a few words or pages are enough. Build capacity while you are building their vocabulary. While you are reading to your child, point to the objects or animals and name them. As your child gets more verbal, encourage them to repeat phrases.

SETTING BOUNDARIES

Let's start at the beginning. Children must understand that you are the boss, not their friend. You are their parent. A child will begin to test this relationship early on. As soon as they can move from place to place on their own, a parent must set boundaries.

With a young child, constantly saying, "No" is not the goal. Remove as many temptations as possible. There will be some temptations you cannot remove. Those are a necessary tool to teach your child to respect authority.

As your child discovers the temptation, begin with a firm "No." "No" should not be a negative experience, just a matter of fact experience. When your child reaches for a dangerous or breakable object, say "No." Calmly remove the child from the area and give him/her a replacement. Repeat this procedure as often as necessary until your child learns what "No" means. Be patient but consistent. It is never too early for a child to learn that what you say goes. Do not explain, do not waiver. Be calm and consistent.

As soon as your child gains understanding, usually by a year and a half of age, follow the firm "No", with a position command. "Come play with the blocks." This may be enough for some children. Others may need a third step. "No, do not touch the ____, come and play with the blocks, or you will have to sit in time out."

If the child persists, sit them in a chair (a step or a rug), that you have predetermined as a location for timeout. It should be a place such as a chair, rug, or stairs where there is nothing to entertain the child. Timeout should be a place where they will not get hurt and a location where you can see them or frequently check on them.

The child should sit for the number of minutes equal to the child's age, For example, one minute for a one year old, two minutes for a two year old. If the child gets up before the time limit, return the child to the chair and continue to return them to the chair until the time expires. Always remove the child from the chair after they are sitting quietly—even if it is for 10 seconds. Praise the child for sitting and emphasize again your expectations. "I know you will make good choices and not touch the ____." When the child returns to play, praise the child for his/her choices. "I like the castle you are building with the blocks."

What if the child is six years old? The method is the same. Set clear expectations. "Do not do___________ do this instead." If the behavior is repeated, add firmly and calmly, "Do not do this__________, do this _______ instead or you will be in time out." If the child does not immediately comply, remove him/her firmly and calmly to time out. No words are needed. As long as your child is sitting, ignore other behaviors. If the child gets up, return him/her immediately. After they are sitting calmly for a few seconds, repeat the expectations and praise the appropriate behavior. Praise specifically ten times to each time you must discipline. For example, "I like the way you are playing with the blocks."

I feel there is definitely a place for spankings. Some children will require a spanking, some will never need one. One of my sons would straighten up if I looked at him sternly. The other would continue to push the limit until he received a spanking, then he would say "OK, Mommy." My daughter required one spanking at 18 months. From then on she never challenged my authority, not even as a teenager. Every child is different. You will have to gauge if your child is developing a respect for authority. If he/she is challenging your authority, if they are not obeying your rules, if they are crossing the boundaries, you will have to do whatever is necessary to establish your authority.

As always, if you have to spank a child, do so calmly. Tell the child, "I am sorry you chose to disobey my directions. I hope next time you will make a better choice."

Spank them with your hand on the bottom. Afterward, give them a hug and tell them how much you love them. Reaffirm that they received a spanking because they chose to disobey. You know they will make a better choice next time. Repeat, "when I say to _________, you must do so." Giving consistent and appropriate consequences are the key to raising obedient children.

BEING CONSISTENT

One challenge of parenting is the fact that every child is different. Even children raised by the same parents in the same household will respond differently to boundaries and consequences. Some children will anticipate your expectations, make generalizations required to understand your expectations, and rarely exceed your boundaries, thus needing little direction. On the contrary, some children will push the boundaries constantly, needing repeated consequences throughout their growing years.

The effectiveness of your parenting will be directly related to your consistency. With some children, if you give an inch, they will take a mile. If the parent is not consistent with the consequences for a particular violation, some children will take the chance that this time you will not administer the consequence. With these children you have to be absolutely consistent. Some very soft-hearted parents will be tempted to release the child from a consequence. "I know I said you were grounded for 1 week, but homecoming is Friday. I don't want you to miss homecoming." That is a very dangerous mistake. You are sending the message that attending the homecoming is more important to you than obeying the rules. Nothing should be more important. As a matter of fact, the greater the stakes, the quicker the results. If your child has to miss the championship game due to his disobedience, chances are they will not make that choice again. Let's say there really is an event that you do not want your child to miss. One way to avoid the dilemma is to take time to decide on the consequence. Do not act on impulse, in the heat of the moment, and state the consequence. Instead think it over, talk it over with your spouse or support person and come up with the consequence that you are able to follow through with completely.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Creating Survivorsby Debra Bopp Barnes Copyright © 2011 by Debra Bopp Barnes. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Dettagli dell?edizione

• Editore: Authorhouse
• Data di pubblicazione: 2011
• ISBN 10: 1467066265
• ISBN 13: 9781467066266
• Rilegatura: Copertina flessibile
• Lingua: Inglese
• Numero di pagine: 56
• Contatto del produttore: non disponibile