IDENTIFYING OUR PERVASIVE SHOULDS

"But what's the big deal about the word should? It's just a common word people use to express themselves every day, isn't it?" Yes, people do use the word every day. But that doesn't mean it is healthy or productive. There are seven major qualms I have with the concept of should:

1.Should assumes that there is an agreed-upon governing body of principles that we can all defer to in order to determine morality and standards. It assumes that you and I have knowingly and willingly entered into an arrangement stating, "We will both respect and follow the dictates of this system. We will agree upon how people should behave, how they should appear, what they should value." Outside of a convent or the military, is this true? Hardly. You are bound to encounter people different from yourself in this world, who have different values. All of us carry around our own governing systems based on ideas we have learned throughout our lives, and most people believe theirs are definitely "right." However, it is exactly this narrow faith in an invisible "objective committee" which leads us to condemn ourselves and others, and causes problems in our relationships. In chapter 3, we explore numerous learning sources that instill in us the values we believe. Suffice to say, there is no objective moral standard for living that all individuals in a diverse world will completely agree upon, and so the term should holds no universal meaning. It's useless!

2.Should absolves the speaker of all personal responsibility. When you say, "I should go now," what are you really saying? That you have no desires or preferences of your own? By disavowing your own needs and wants, you never have to take ownership or authorization for your life. You can then defer your actions to that invisible committee that doesn't exist. This frequently results in blaming others for your problems and identifying yourself as a victim.

3.Should frequently encourages conformity and sameness. "You should act like others, dress like others, live like others, etc." It not only tries to squash out individuality and creativity, but it also harms those who are not able or willing to meet the standards that others appear to be living by. Children and adolescents deal with this in school every day from teachers and other students. Many adults continue to experience this in their work environments, families, even social groups.

4.Should positions your thoughts to be in direct conflict with reality. "I shouldn't be stuck in traffic right now;" "I should feel healthy today;" "You should have been home by now;" "It shouldn't have rained on the day of my party!" Notice how this feels. By telling yourself that something should be different from how it actually is, you are setting yourself up to experience unnecessary stress, anger, fatigue, and hopelessness. In chapters 2 and 3 we will take a closer look at how your thoughts determine your feelings and moods. Suffice to say for now: if you are determined to argue with reality, you are going to lose, and quite often feel worse about a situation than you did before.

5.Should is an ineffective motivator for behavioral change. When it is being used to shame someone to work harder, make healthier choices, or produce more, it does not generate the intended results for any sustainable period of time. Many employers mistakenly operate under the belief that if they use "should" with their employees, then the employees will want to work harder and conform to standards. But do you remember a time when a boss has told you that you should do something? Did it really make you want to do it? In chapter 5, we will take a closer look at misguided attempts at using should to promote changes, even positive ones.

6.Should has always been used to maintain power imbalances and oppression. "The status quo" is a Latin term for "the ways things were before." Society has much invested in keeping things "the way they were before." Change is scary for anyone, especially for individuals in positions of power. Politicians, corporate leaders, religious figures — anyone who feels threatened by change — will tend to cling tightly to the status quo and use should as a way of manipulating others into doing the same. Every minority group that has struggled for equal rights has had to confront this.

7.Shoulds demand that we essentially play cop while monitoring our actions and the actions of others. They require us to spend great amounts of time and energy reviewing behaviors and determining how they should be done differently. Historically, individuals in society were motivated to act in ways that would avoid incurring the wrath of a king or a god. Today, people are more motivated to act in ways that would avoid incurring the disapproval of their friends and family. Shoulds lead to extreme fears of embarrassment and social exclusion. We know that we will not get struck down by a god or legally exiled by a sovereign if we get fat. But the internal shame and social stigma can be far more powerful. It is this self-other regulation that causes us to walk around feeling anxious, alienated, afraid, and exhausted. Our bodies will not be put in prison for gaining weight, but our minds will.

Questioning, investigating, exploring, and challenging social norms are essential to living a happier life. I believe that when someone is going to therapy or seeking to be healed from their pain, it is not sufficient to look solely at that individual and her/his relationships, but to be aware of the world around that individual which creates, sustains, and profits from that pain. This is not a matter of playing the "blame game." It is just the opposite. When you have a more complete picture of how you have come to experience anxiety and depression, you are then able and equipped to take responsibility for it and take effective action to reduce it.

It is therefore important to understand how much of everyday anger, hopelessness, and anxiety originate from your own thoughts and perceptions of the world around you. What follows is a partial list of shoulds that many of us carry around. Check those you have experienced. At the bottom of each list, write in your own shoulds. If you so desire, please send me your contributions at www.shouldless.com. I'm always fascinated by new shoulds people come up with to torture themselves.

CONSIDER THIS:

Shoulds are like cigarettes for the soul. They may seem harmless initially — one or two every now and then may not kill you. But over time they become habitual, addictive, and toxic for your body and spirit.

I should:

[] Make more money

[] Be a better parent

[] Be in a relationship

[] Stay sober

[] Read more books

[] Have more sex

[] Have more energy to do things

[] Go to the gym

[] Eat better

[] Watch less TV

[] Take better care of myself

[] Sleep more

[] Call my parents

[] Spend more time with my_____(kids, parents, pets)

[] Be more patient

[] Have more energy

[] Lose weight

[] Be more understanding

[] Get more politically active

[] Shave body parts

[] Learn how to cook

[] Drive a better car

[] Look younger

[] Wear better clothes

[] Have more erections

[] Be more on time for things

[] Clean the house

[] Pay the bills

[] Please everyone all the time

[] Get cosmetic surgery

[] Always be nice to others

[] Get a job

[] Be more interesting at parties

[] Volunteer my time

[] Have whiter teeth

[] Know more about wines and foods

(Insert your own here) ___

_________________________

_________________________

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YOU should:

[] Meet my needs

[] Drive better

[] Pay more attention to me

[] Remember my birthday

[] Lose weight

[] Be interested when I'm talking

[] Be the first to say "I love you"

[] Not steal the covers at night

[] Buy me things I want

[] Cook for me

[] Like the same movies I like

[] Make more money

[] Shave body parts

[] Stay the same person you are now

[] Be more responsible with money

[] Tell me I'm attractive

[] Hang the toilet paper the same way I do

[] Clean the refrigerator that we share at work

[] Be monogamous

[] Communicate clearly all the time

[] Be on time for dates and appointments

[] Learn how to dance

[] Go with me to social events even if you don't want to

[] Like my friends

[] Give me orgasms

[] Know when I'm in a bad mood

[] Complain less

[] Always look good in public

[] Like the same music I do

[] Call me more often

[] Call me less often

[] Have the same religion as me

[] Put the toilet seat down

[] Give me flowers spontaneously

[] Be there for me when I need you

[] Eat healthier

[] Take out the trash

(Insert your own here) ___

_________________________

_________________________

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THEY should:

[] Drive better

[] Give perfect service

[] Have given a different movie the Academy Award

[] Be quiet during a movie

[] Listen to me when I talk

[] Lose weight

[] Tip 20% all the time

[] Be able to have legal marriages

[] Not be allowed to have legal marriages

[] Be able to get legal abortions

[] Not be allowed to get legal abortions

[] Provide more frequent buses/subways

[] Keep my neighborhood clean and quiet

[] Have more people working so I don't have to wait in line

[] Speak softly on their cell phones

[] Quit smoking

[] Take more showers

[] Respect their parents

[] Speak the same language I do

[] Stop begging for money

[] Answer the phone when I call

[] Deliver the mail faster

[] Fix the electricity immediately when it goes off

[] Always be on time

[] Speak respectfully to me

[] Dress differently

[] Speak English

[] Quiet their dog at night

[] Charge reasonable prices

[] Keep my favorite TV show at the same time every week

[] Uphold my constitutional rights

[] Not follow me around the department store as if I'm going to steal something

[] Turn off their car alarms

[] Eliminate advertisements from movies

[] Remember ketchup with my burger

[] Always have my favorite products available at the store [] Not tell me what I should do

(Insert your own here) ___

_________________________

_________________________

_________________________

If you are like most, you probably checked quite a few, and thought of others not listed. This is because we live in a world where we are bombarded constantly, and not always consciously, with rigid shoulds. This, for me, is living in prison. It is quite possible that you also are living in a lockup of your own thoughts and do not even realize that all along you have had the key to your release. Now it is time to start using that key.

In order to get out of this jail cell, it is essential to start to challenge the shoulds that you checked off in the previous pages, or any others that are currently upsetting you. This does not mean you have to reject the should or do any action differently. It simply means you are willing to question the validity of the should that is holding you prisoner.

Chapter 2 will offer you some guidelines for challenging long held shoulds, and beginning your journey of happier living. We will also explore some of the hidden motivations for not living absolutely should-less, and help you recognize ways you are using your thinking to cause yourself suffering.

Keeping these ideas in mind, chapter 3 will demonstrate how you can ask yourself six questions and make one statement in order to change or alter any should that is troubling you at any time. Prepare all your rebuttals and arguments, because chapter 5 will then address all the "yes, buts ..." I've heard over the years in response to the idea of living life absolutely should-less. If yours is not addressed here, then please write me with your own, so it can be included in future editions.

Chapter 7 will address the issue of fear, and offer tips for staying focused in a world which is constantly telling us to be afraid. In chapter 9 I demonstrate how I utilize absolutely should-less thinking as I am carrying out daily activities and dealing with stressful situations in my own life.

At certain points I have put interactive exercises in places that will challenge your mind to work a bit. Please don't skip over them. It is by doing these activities that your perception can begin to change. I often find journal writing can additionally help when you are considering making positive changes. It can help you pay closer attention to your thoughts and feelings, and help monitor your progress.

Are you ready to start feeling better? Then turn the page and read on!

GETTING READY TO CHANGE

Living absolutely should-less will offer you ways to enjoy much better experiences in this world. The following will lay the groundwork for utilizing the tools offered in later chapters. Here are five fundamental principles that will aid you in coping with any depression, anxiety, frustration, or even anger that interferes in your ability to fully enjoy your daily living.

PRINCIPLE #1: THOUGHTS AND PERCEPTION DETERMINE EXPERIENCE

This is a concept we will visit time and time again. Most of us are conditioned to believe that we get upset because of other people or things. Try filling in the blanks below with three responses:

_______________________ makes me upset

_______________________ hurt my feelings in the past

_______________________ stresses me out!

Now look at your answers and consider this: you have been responsible for your reactions to all these situations. Not the circumstances themselves, mind you — these may or may not have been in your control. But the feelings and the meanings you assign to each event are completely in your control and are your responsibility to manage if you wish to feel better.

For instance, there was a time in my life when I would take rejection very personally. If I was interested in someone who wasn't interested in me, I would immediately think, "I must be really ugly, no one will ever want me. I am a physically undesirable creature. I don't have it easy in social situations like others seem to. I'll never fit in. I'll never be attractive. And since I am such a basically repulsive creature, I should just do everyone a favor and stay home and watch Golden Girls reruns every night." Thinking these thoughts on a consistent basis was very much the source of much of the depression and anxiety that I mentioned earlier.

Then one night a friend of mine passed on some unexpected advice. Elaine was a very beautiful and very sexually liberated friend I had in my early 20s. She would frequently seek out new relationships and would, more often than not, find exactly what she was looking for. One night we were at a party and I saw her try to talk to someone she found desirable. Later she came back, sans hot guy, sans phone number, rejected. I felt so upset for her.

"Oh my God," I said, "How are you doing?"

"Fine," she replied sincerely, "Why?"

"Because you wanted to meet that guy, you went after him, and he wasn't interested in you. How can you be okay with that?"

"It's no big deal, my darling. I just wasn't his cup of tea."

And that's all there was it to it. She wasn't his cup of tea. It wasn't personal, it didn't mean anything. She didn't interpret that to be a sign of being undesirable or unworthy or of the apocalypse itself — he just wasn't into her.

In that moment I really understood for the first time that I didn't have to give other people the power to upset me, or to hurt my feelings. If someone wasn't interested in me, it didn't mean anything other than I wasn't his cup of tea. This wasn't a big deal. This meant nothing at all. I often got turned down after that, but came to understand that I had a choice: to decide that that rejection meant I was the most disgusting piece of crap in the universe, or simply that I wasn't his preference. Either way, my thoughts about the situation would determine my feelings, NOT the experience itself. To illustrate:

This was just as true for dealing with a failed relationship as it was for not getting a job I really wanted. Every situation in our lives can remind us that it is our thoughts and perceptions about a situation that determines our emotional experience, NOT the situation itself. Now, you try to consider that there is a different way to see that person or thing that really hurt your feelings or angered you. You will soon learn different ways to cope with all these situations.

PRINCIPLE #2: RECOGNIZE WHAT IS OBJECTIVE VERSUS SUBJECTIVE

One of the keys to unlocking that prison of suffering will be to keep in mind what is objectively true in the moment, and what is subjective. In other words, what would most reasonable people agree to be reality in this moment versus what is opinion?

I have a friend named Carol who tends to be overprotective of her toddler daughter. At the slightest cough she launches into a tirade of troublesome thoughts: "She shouldn't ever get sick; I should do better at keeping the house clean; I'm a terrible mother; I can't do anything right; she's going to have asthma and respiratory problems because of something I did wrong."