CHAPTER 1
1The Faith Journey
Why did you choose your church?
Certainly, there are lots of reasons why people choose to become involved in a particular church. However, for parents, there is often one reason that dominates the answer to this question: kid's programming.
If a church has a wonderful children's ministry or an amazing youth ministry, as parents, we're far more likely to stay and invest in that church — even in times of conflict and disappointment.
While I completely understand this response, the truth is, if you want to help your child take ownership of her or his faith journey, you must first reflect on your personal faith journey and how that journey might have intentionally or unintentionally impacted your child's journey of faith.
Examining Your Own Faith Journey
When is the last time you reflected on your faith journey? I'm guessing it's been a while. As parents, we naturally prioritize our children's needs ahead of our own. The same is true of faith. Most of us reflect on and worry about our kids' faith far more than our own.
Yet, think about when you are on an airplane. During the safety announcements, a flight attendant explains that, in an emergency, oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. In order to help others, you must first put on your own mask. The same is true of faith.
In order to help our kids progress in their faith journey, we must first examine our own. To do this, think about your answers to the following questions. You may even find it helpful to spend time journaling about each of these questions.
• What's your earliest memory of church? Is it positive or negative? Why do you think that is? How does that compare with more recent memories of church? What, if anything, has changed about your perception of church?
• Where have you experienced community within the church? How, if at all, has that community helped sustain your faith during challenging times?
• Think about your parents. How would you describe their faith?
• If you're partnered, how does your partner's faith journey compare to your own? How does it help or hinder your faith journey?
• When have you felt closest to God? farthest away from God? What circumstances contributed to those feelings?
• What role have prayer, fasting, reading Scripture, giving, and other spiritual practices played in your journey of faith? Explain.
• What metaphor do you think best describes your faith journey? Why?
• On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being "Completely Satisfied" and 5 being "Completely Dissatisfied," how content are you currently in your faith journey? Why?
Which questions were easy for you to answer? difficult? What does that suggest about your faith journey?
Examining your personal faith journey is hard but important work. It's also the starting point for helping your teen continue in his or her journey of faith.
Your Role in Your Teen's Faith Journey
My congregation practices confirmation — a rite during which students affirm the promises their parents made for them at baptism and decide for themselves to follow Jesus. In this congregation, students are confirmed in the spring of eighth grade. As the youth pastor at my church, I visit in the home of every confirmation family before the big day arrives. During these visits I help families process the confirmation experience. One way I do this is by asking parents, "What hopes do you have for your child's faith journey after confirmation?"
This question often catches parents off guard. Over the years, many parents have later told me, "We thought that part of the process of letting our teens take ownership of their faith in confirmation was to back off. So, we were surprised when you asked us what were our hopes for their continued faith journey."
It hurts me to hear this.
As parents, we need to stay engaged in our teens' journey of faith — even after they make their individual faith decisions. When they take ownership of their faith, it doesn't mean we wipe our hands and totally withdraw from their faith journey. Instead, we become partners in their faith formation as they gradually take more and more ownership for their individual journeys.
Hopes for Your Teen's Ongoing Faith Journey
Consider Philippians 1:3-11, a letter the apostle Paul wrote to the church in Philippi:
"I thank my God every time I mention you in my prayers. I'm thankful for all of you every time I pray, and it's always a prayer full of joy. I'm glad because of the way you have been my partners in the ministry of the gospel from the time you first believed it until now. I'm sure about this: the one who started a good work in you will stay with you to complete the job by the day of Christ Jesus. I have good reason to think this way about all of you because I keep you in my heart. You are all my partners in God's grace, both during my time in prison and in the defense and support of the gospel. God is my witness that I feel affection for all of you with the compassion of Christ Jesus.
"This is my prayer: that your love might become even more and more rich with knowledge and all kinds of insight. I pray this so that you will be able to decide what really matters and so you will be sincere and blameless on the day of Christ. I pray that you will then be filled with the fruit of righteousness, which comes from Jesus Christ, in order to give glory and praise to God."
Notice Paul's language here. He called the Philippian church his "partners in the ministry." What might it look like for us to view our teens as "partners in the ministry" (verse 5)? In good partnerships, both parties contribute positively to the same goal and to one another. Everyone's voice matters.
In a good faith partnership, everyone's voice also matters. As parents, this means we need to talk about our individual faith and give our kids the opportunity to talk honestly about theirs. As parents, we cannot afford to be silent on matters of faith, nor should we be the ones doing all the talking.
Our kids truly do want to hear what we think about matters of faith. Our stories are important to them because our faith stories are part of their faith stories. Teens want and need us to cast vision for their faith journey. They don't know what their faith journey is supposed to look like when they're in college or as an adult. They haven't reached that point yet. But we have.
One of the most poignant confirmation home visits I ever experienced was one in which the student didn't believe in Jesus. For him, Jesus was too closely tied to his mom, whom he resented for making him go to confirmation.
After hearing this, I asked the student why he thought confirmation was important enough for his mom to insist that he attend, even though she knew that doing so would result in an epic weekly battle. He admitted he had no idea. Since his mom was with us, I suggested he ask her. She then proceeded to talk about the role faith had played in her life, especially during hard times, some of which her teenage son had witnessed.
As this student's mom finished her explanation, I asked what hopes she had for her son's ongoing faith journey. She proceeded to give a heartfelt response that left all of us — even her stoic, Jesus-disinterested son — in tears. This mom's words were powerful. The moment was holy — a reflection of the new partnership she hoped to form with her son.
Your words are also powerful. When you take time to share your hopes for your teens' continued faith journey, you show that faith matters, that you care about their faith and hope they do too.
Maybe you don't know what to hope for when it comes to your teens' faith. That's OK. If that's the case, I'd encourage you to reread Philippians 1:9-11. These verses provide three concrete hopes for the ongoing faith journey of all believers — ours and our teens:
• that we might grow in love;
• that we might grow in knowledge and insight that allows us to follow Jesus;
• that we will be filled with the fruit of righteousness.
To be "filled with the fruit of righteousness" might more helpfully be translated the "fruit of right living." What this means is that as forgiven children of God, we are called — at every stage of our faith journey — to bring God's kingdom to earth, or to put it into the language of our baptismal promises, to "resist evil, injustice, and oppression" and to "serve Jesus as [our] Lord."
The beauty of the three concrete hopes from Philippians 1:9-11 is that they are broad enough to be fulfilled in a myriad of ways that reflects our new partnership with our teenagers, as we help them live into the new promises they have made.
Five Practical Ideas for Becoming a Partner in Your Teenager's Faith Journey
1. After reflecting on the questions about your faith journey listed at the beginning of this chapter, share some of your answers with your teen. Then ask the same questions and invite him or her to share responses with you. Don't critique. Just listen and ask additional questions that invite your teen to continue sharing deeply with you.
2. Pray Philippians 1:9-11 with your child's name in it.
This is my prayer: that _____'s love might become even more and more rich with knowledge and all kinds of insight. I pray this so that ______ will be able to decide what really matters and so ______ will be sincere and blameless on the day of Christ. I pray that _______will then be filled with the fruit of righteousness, which comes from Jesus Christ, in order to give glory and praise to God.
3. Philippians 1 reminds us of the ongoing role that prayer has in people's faith journeys. Begin keeping a written prayer journal for your teenager. Record your daily, weekly, or monthly prayers for your teen. Then gift this journal for her or his birthday, baptismal birthday, or other significant milestone.
4. Take your teenager out for ice cream or coffee and share your hopes for his or her future faith journey. Then invite your teen to share hopes for your journey of faith as well.
5. Hold a family meeting and together wrestle with what it means to partner with one another in the journey of faith. Ask your teen what he or she wants and needs from you in the ongoing journey of faith. Then be respectful of those needs. Also tell what you want and need from your teen in your ongoing journey of faith. Talk about the three hopes stated in Philippians 1:9-11. What might it look like in the next six months for your family to grow more in love and knowledge and to be filled with the fruit of righteousness?
CHAPTER 2
The Faith Given to You
My best friend from high school has two kids: a daughter and a son. Both she and her husband affectionately call their son, "Jackie's mini-me." What they mean is that Mikey is, in every way, a reflection of Jackie. They look alike. They sound alike. They think alike. They even have the same mannerisms. Jackie's intent was never to create her own mini-me. However, because of a combination of genetics and hands-on parenting, that's what happened.
In the same way, when it comes to our faith, we are our parents' "mini-me's" and our children are ours. The National Study of Youth and Religion found that "the religiosity of American teenagers must be read primarily as a reflection of their parents' religious devotion (or lack thereof)." In other words, when it comes to our faith, "We get what we are."
With few exceptions, our faith looks like, sounds like, and acts like our parents. And the faith of our kids looks like, sounds like, and acts like ours. For some parents, this is good news. However, for most of us, the weight of these findings is enough to send us into perpetual panic.
Before you panic, let me reassure you: YOU are enough. The fact that you're reading this book shows you care about your teen's ongoing journey of faith. What's more, as researchers and pastor Kenda Creasy Dean remind us: "Parents are not called to make their children godly; teenagers are created in God's image, no matter what we do to them and no matter what they do to disguise it. The law (Deuteronomy 6:4-7) called upon Jewish parents to show their children godliness — to teach them, talk to them, embody for them their own delight in the Lord 24/7. Everything they needed for their children's faith formation, God had already given them. Awakening faith does not depend on how hard we press young people to love God, but on how much we show them that we do."
Similarly, you have what you need to pass on a consequential faith to your teenager. However, doing so requires a great deal of intentionality and understanding that begins with a careful examination of the faith you were given.
Examining the Faith Given to You
One of the metaphors used in Scripture to describe our faith journey is that of a farmer planting and growing his crops. Another is that of a builder constructing a house. Both metaphors are found in 1 Corinthians 3:4-11: "When someone says, 'I belong to Paul,' and someone else says, 'I belong to Apollos,' aren't you acting like people without the Spirit? After all, what is Apollos? What is Paul? They are servants who helped you to believe. Each one had a role given to them by the Lord: I planted, Apollos watered, but God made it grow. Because of this, neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but the only one who is anything is God who makes it grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together, but each one will receive their own reward for their own labor. We are God's coworkers, and you are God's field, God's building.
"I laid a foundation like a wise master builder according to God's grace that was given to me, but someone else is building on top of it. Each person needs to pay attention to the way they build on it. No one can lay any other foundation besides the one that is already laid, which is Jesus Christ."
Now, consider the words of 1 Corinthians 3:4-11 in terms of your personal journey of faith, specifically the faith that was given to you.
• Who planted and watered the seeds of your faith?
• What kind of foundation did your parents lay for your faith? One that's falling apart? One that's weak? One with holes? One that's strong? Why?
• What, specifically, did your parents teach you about God? Jesus? the Holy Spirit? Scripture? the church?
• What three words would you use to describe your parents' faith?
• In what ways does your adult faith resemble that of your parents? differ from it?
• If you asked your teen to describe your faith, what words do you think he or she would use? How would his or her words compare to those you chose to describe your parents' faith?
Although parents play a tremendously important role in their children's faith formation, your inherited faith consists not only of what they taught you but also of what you learned from your church. With that in mind, consider these questions:
• What, specifically, did your church teach you about God? Jesus? the Holy Spirit? Scripture? the church?
• Did your church lay a strong or weak foundation of faith for you? Why?
• As an adult, how do your beliefs resemble those of the church you grew up in? differ?
• Do you still attend the same church you did as a child? If you still lived in the same community, would you? Why or why not?
If you have siblings, you might find it helpful to compare your answers to these questions to theirs. Likewise, if you're married, consider discussing your answers to these questions with your spouse.
Implications of Your Faith Journey on Your Teen's Faith Journey
One of the reasons why parents and churches are so instrumental in a person's faith formation is because individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another. Just as a family is a system of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system, so it is with faith. An individual's faith simply cannot be understood independent of her or his family and church's faith.
With that in mind, spend some time reflecting on two more questions:
1. When it comes to the faith you inherited from your parents and church, what are you grateful for?
2. When it comes to the faith you inherited from your parents and church, what do you wish you could have changed? Why?
Answering these two questions helps you acknowledge the good in your parents and church while at the same time releasing and perhaps forgiving anything you wish could be changed. This is part of the process of differentiating your faith from that of the communities around you. For parents, having a differentiated faith — one that you own as being distinctly yours — is important because it enables you to establish a relationship and a faith connection with your teen on his or her terms, without projecting either the good or the bad from your inherited faith onto him or her.
