CHAPTER 1
Alignment: To bring into line
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Albert Einstein
My Introduction to Alignment
I've spent most my adult life believing that if I read the right books, attended trainings, went to a new therapist to "work on my issues" and committed myself to a daily self-improvement practice, I'd learn the secret to feeling better about myself and have healthier relationships. These activities have indeed assisted me in my growth, but I was still unsatisfied with the day-to-day conflicts and how I could live my life in a state of peace.
Alignment is based on right now. Becoming aware of this moment. Checking in with what I'm thinking, saying, feeling and how I'm behaving related to any issue. I can do this once or many times each day to see if each area is matching up and supporting the other.
Before I knew what I just stated above, I was having another one of those times in my life where I felt confused and unbalanced, unsure of what to do next. Several times in the past I had gone to therapy when I was feeling discouraged, hopeless or just plain lost. I hoped that someone else would help me figure things out. My sense of imbalance this time was related to having made some poor financial choices that had finally caught up with me. It was like standing on a slippery boat deck, the waves building for a storm. I needed something or someone to hang onto so I didn't go overboard. I immediately went in search of a therapist.
My new counselor spent the initial session getting a complete history of my life to build a relationship with me and know what we might be working on. I remember telling her about my childhood and crying through the entire story. I felt somewhat cleansed but believed that I hadn't come to work on childhood issues. My problems had been created within the past few years and were demanding my attention right now. At the second session, I jumped right in and told her about the impending sale of my home, the wage garnishment that had just hit the desk of the agency controller, and having to survive on a fraction of my income. I told her about the shame I felt when I told my adult kids that I might need help with groceries. I shared how I was questioning my ability to counsel others when obviously, I was struggling to counsel myself. This concern, led the counselor to talk about leadership and alignment.
She walked over to her office whiteboard and drew a stick figure. On this stick figure, she added the words think, say feel, and do next to the head, mouth, heart and belly. She told me about a researcher, Angeles Arrien, PhD who had studied world leaders and what they had in common. Dr. Arrien discovered that what they all shared was alignment. Each leader lived in such a way that his/her thoughts, words, feelings and actions consistently matched; they were in line.
I wasn't interested in becoming a world leader. The leader of my own life? Absolutely! This concept was not completely foreign to me as authenticity, integrity and congruency are similar terms used regularly in the land of therapy. I could see that this model suggested something I could actually accomplish, more in-the-moment and life changing. I began to consider this as a working model for self-evaluation, daily improvement and clarity.
I knew that I had been gifted something extremely important, even magical. My body tingled; I felt an excitement growing from deep inside. This was the key to my years of searching; it provided a beautiful way to find balance for myself and the many people I work with who are on the path to healing and growth. Best of all, this model fit with my three favorite teaching areas: accountability, boundaries and communication. I got right to work ...
Sharing the Alignment Concept
The very next day, I went to lunch with my oldest daughter Rachel. She shared that her nine year old, my granddaughter Matea, was having continuous problems with a classmate at school. Rachel said she wished her daughter would "just put it behind her!" Rachel expressed frustration with Matea's strong emotions. Since I was still on a high about my new discovery of alignment, I felt compelled to draw the stick figure on a napkin and share its meaning. I described the four areas to Rachel: thinking, saying, feeling and doing. We discussed how she would explain these to Matea to help her understand how she might like to proceed with this classmate. I also shared my perspective on how accountability and boundaries lead to better communication. She was amazed at how simple this sounded and agreed to give it a shot later that day.
Rachel and Matea discussed the napkin picture and agreed that Matea could choose to stay focused on her own thoughts, words, feelings and behaviors. Matea was reminded that even though her classmate had spoken unkind words, she did not have to be unkind in return. Matea was encouraged to stick with her own values of kindness and respect rather than move out of alignment.
Ultimately, the girls chose new friends. Matea returned to a more aligned state and felt confident in her ability to address conflict by tuning back into her own sense of direction and well-being.
This is the model that I created after the original stick figure. I felt the need to give alignment a bit of a personality! I call her Aly.
Where else do you think of the concept of alignment?
Spinal Alignment
All of my babies were large at birth, between 8.5 and 9 lbs. I believe that multiple pregnancies and high birth weights contributed to my back going on strike.
I knew I was out of alignment mid-way through my last pregnancy when I became frozen-in-place at a pregnancy exercise class. I was on the floor on hands and knees preparing to complete an exercise called "cat/cow." The general idea is to arch your back upward while tucking your chin to your chest and then gently reversing the arch with your belly hanging as your head and eyes slowly look upward. I realized something was terribly wrong when I attempted to stand back up. Everything in my back hurt, my breath caught and then my body locked up! I would discover later that this was called a back spasm.
That was my final exercise class during pregnancy. Several weeks after giving birth to my 8 lb. 15 oz. daughter, I bent over to lift her off a blanket on the floor. Oh, the pain! It was just like in the exercise class, but now I couldn't care for my new baby. I had heard about a chiropractor nearby who had worked with a family member and I called immediately.
Based on x-rays, I learned that my back had a curve in it, scoliosis, probably since childhood. I was also shown my tailbone which had signs of a healed fracture. Did I mention that I had "back labor" with each birth? Due to my babies having the boniest parts of their heads pushed up against my tailbone during delivery, called posterior position, my tailbone had to flex backward for them to be born. At least once my tailbone must have sustained a fracture. The chiropractor explained the basic principles of chiropractic care, gave me some strengthening exercises to do at home and encouraged me to come three times per week until my back could hold the adjustment on its own.
I began to learn the importance of strengthening my core, lifting with my legs and respecting that all my parts are designed to work together. And here we are at the similarity between spinal alignment and personal alignment. Just as all the vertebrae need to function together to create full body health and well-being, so too, do the thoughts, words, feelings and actions need to line up to create psychological health and well-being. It only takes one area being out of alignment to cause confusion, conflict and emotional pain. When adjusted and aligned with the other areas, the sense of harmony and well-being return.
Tire Alignment
When I first did research to find out if there were any books on the topic of alignment, an internet search brought up tire and wheel alignment. So of course, I wondered, is human alignment related in any way to wheel alignment? It turns out that it is.
The woman at the front desk of the local tire dealership shared with me that tires are meant to work together to keep the vehicle moving straight. The tires communicate through the steering mechanism. If just one tire is out of alignment, the car will pull to one side or the other. This pulling will create constant correction by the driver and excessive wear on the remaining tires that are adjusting to the imbalance.
Tires are created to have a particular wear pattern, known as the life of the tire. When the full set of tires is out of alignment, the life of the tires will be reduced.
Our tires are our thoughts, words, feelings and actions. These are no more separate than the tires on a car. When one area is out of alignment, corrections are needed to stay on a straight life path. When we allow one area to be neglected, such as worn tread on a tire, the other areas are forced to adjust to re-establish balance. This action does not create balance; it only gives us a momentary sense of stability. Ultimately, we wear down and can't live in harmony the way we are meant to.
Folks in the tire business recommend getting your tires rotated and re-aligned once each year under normal use. Imagine if people went to a human alignment specialist at least once a year to rebalance their own operating system?
Why Alignment Matters
Have you ever wondered if you're perfect just the way you are? I'm taken back to the birth of each of my four children. Each one was as unique as a snowflake and perfect, from little fuzzy head to tiniest toe. I learned with each baby that I was entering a completely new relationship with a brand-new person. One hardly ever fussed while another struggled to find calm. One needed lots of alone time while another needed to be cuddled day and night.
You are unique and perfect. As you learn about yourself through the alignment model, you can grow in self-awareness and build a sense of confidence in who you are and what you have to offer. The time and attention that you put into identifying your thoughts, words, feelings, and actions will pave a clearer path that you will ultimately enjoy traveling.
As you make alignment a daily habit by asking "Am I in alignment about this?" you will become more self-aware. Along with improved self-awareness comes clearer information, direction and motivation to choose what works for you. The act of conscious choice brings us to clarity and accountability. As you'll see in Chapters 3 and 4 on accountability, personal development and maturity can only occur when you own your choices and actions. We humans are designed to learn, grow and mature over our entire lifetimes. The alignment model will assist in this process.
I've known many people who have tried to jump over the human alignment process by focusing only on their spiritual self. It's a lot like trying to walk before you crawl. When the foundations of alignment are not modeled, taught and mastered from childhood, healthy functioning becomes much more difficult and sometimes can feel impossible. Luckily, it's not impossible.
While you will experience mis-alignment in your own unique way, I will give examples that many of us share, to suggest some common ways that you can get out of alignment.
Western culture has built a tremendous system around physical misalignment or disease. You know something isn't working properly when you feel ill or tired. You can have x-rays taken, an MRI done, or possibly blood drawn to let you know that your body is not functioning as it should. The deeper cause of dis-ease is often unknown or hidden. What if disease and pain are your body's way of letting you know that you're out of alignment? There is a growing alternative medicine field that addresses just that question.
I believe there are other, less obvious signs of mis-alignment. The first is the act of blaming others for your situation, feelings or actions. When you blame, you aren't taking accountability for yourself or your choices. This area of mis-alignment may be more obvious to the people around you, but seems reasonable to you. When you don't acknowledge what is yours to own, it's easy to believe that someone else must have made it happen. The biggest problem with this attitude is that it takes you into a place of victimhood, powerlessness, discontent and chaos. Personal accountability will be addressed in several future chapters.
The second area of mis-alignment is a missing or unhealthy boundary system. You may not be familiar with how to discover your personal boundaries or how to use them to move yourself into an aligned state. By creating boundaries that operate as a filtering system or fence, you are the only one who can and should decide what or who can come into your physical or emotional space. It's really a pretty simple concept, but if you don't know how to use this beautiful system or don't feel empowered to speak your own heart/mind, setting clear, healthy boundaries can be very difficult.
If you feel angry often, you are likely out of alignment with your boundaries. If saying "no," or anything that means no, is difficult for you, it will be very challenging to set healthy boundaries and be in alignment. No is not a bad word. It's a lot like a STOP sign, a reminder to stop and look both ways before continuing forward. Western culture has taught us that the word no is somehow selfish or inconsiderate. I suggest that a life without no is a life out of alignment.
The third and final area of mis-alignment that will be addressed throughout this book is healthy communication. You might immediately think of communicating with others, but I'm also suggesting the ability to communicate with yourself. Alignment is an inside job.
Do you ever feel misunderstood? This can happen for several reasons: not communicating your perspective clearly, speaking in global terms rather than from a personal standpoint, jumping from one topic to another without clarification for the listener, or assuming that the listener understands what you are saying. Your ability to communicate is out of alignment when any of the above examples occur. Your job is to get as clear as possible about what you think, say, feel and do before expressing it to others. The communication process can seem tedious at first. With practice, sharing your thoughts and feelings becomes a smooth, seamless process that can bring confidence, balance and clarity to your life.
CHAPTER 2
Being Human
Human being: a primate mammal distinguished by a greatly developed brain with capacity for speech and abstract reasoning
The main thing in life is not to be afraid of being human.
Pablo Casals, 1876-1973 Catalan Cellist and Conductor
Joining the Human Race
It was a day pretty much like thousands of others except for one thing: this was the day I made a conscious choice to join the human race. I remember it so clearly because I had spent the previous forty years looking for ways to separate myself from my fellow humans. Let's take a look back ...
I felt different from other kids when I was a child. I lived in my own fantasy world made up of chatting with animals, playing with bugs, and creating little songs and stories that existed in my imaginative mind. My mom shared, "Jenny has quite the imagination." My teachers reflected on my habit of daydreaming when sharing with my parents at parent-teacher conferences. I spent a lot of time on my own, so I had no idea there were others like me. This created a sense of loneliness but also fierce independence.
As I got older, my home life became unique due to my parents divorcing and my eighteen-year-old half-sister becoming my guardian along with her twenty-one-year-old husband of just six months. From sixth grade right on through high school, I backed further and further into my own private world.
In high school, I couldn't understand the fun of pep rallies or the importance of sitting at the "right" cafeteria table. I didn't feel comfortable joining in the teenage gossip or being a part of the cool crowd. I created ways to enjoy my own company — reading books, taking walks and focusing on my school work.
A few people knew about my home situation because I never felt the need to hide it. I didn't brag about it either. I knew I was having an experience that few would be able to relate to. I thought of myself as different, better somehow than the other young people.
They seemed silly, irresponsible and mediocre. Now I know they were being perfectly normal teenagers.
So why suddenly after forty years did I decide to change? I had been working as a counselor for the past two years with women and children healing from abuse in their lives. I saw an average of fifteen clients each week as well as facilitating a support group and a psycho-educational class. Month by month I began to engage at a deeper level with each person that shared her story. I began to see how much we truly shared regarding life experiences, pains, joys and challenges. I realized that standing outside of the human experience did not allow me to connect with or impact the people who were asking for my understanding and support.
