CHAPTER 1
IDENTITY
Who Am I?
Life is to be lived forward but it is understood backward.
—Søren Kierkegaard
Identity is an umbrella term usually used to describe an individual'scomprehension of self as a discrete, separate entity. Identity is, simply, asense of self that remains constant and identifiable across a variety ofsituations and circumstances. The essays in this chapter introduce a morerelational understanding of identity—connecting and balancing the conceptof the individual with others and with God. This broader perspective of identitymay lead us to a richer sense of wellness, wholeness, and holiness in our lives.
Based on their work for the CREDO "Borders and Bridges" research project, Drs.Kreiner, Hollensbe, and Sheep introduce practical social science concepts aboutidentity in their essay, "Balancing the 'Me' and the 'We.'" They suggest thatthe tension between the need to be unique and the need to belong is a life-longbalancing act along the path to wellness.
In "Toward a Theology of Wellness," the Rt. Rev. Jeffrey Lee ties the concept ofwellness with identity. He shares a personal glimpse of his relationship withhis son to convey the essence of loving and being loved by God.
In "Values to Live By," the Rev. Dr. Robert R. Hansel explores identity througha foundational awareness of our core values. Robert refers to values asstandards, used as a compass, helping people steer a life-course that isresponsible and meaningful. He suggests a set of Christian core values thatunderlie and sustain us in our lives.
The Very Rev. Canon Michael J. Battle, Ph.D. addresses the murky waters ofidentity with Ubuntu, an African spirituality that begins with community andmoves to individuality. In his essay, "Toward a Theology of Identity," Michaelinvites us to rethink our modern, isolated, Cartesian sense of identity andbegin to understand a more relational ontology, an identity interdependent withothers as expressed in the powerful aphorism: "I am because we are."
Dr. Mathew L. Sheep, a researcher and assistant professor at Illinois StateUniversity, examines the relationship of identity to wellness along threedimensions: multiplicity, different levels, and change. Throughout his essay,"The Relationships of Identity to wellness," Mathew emphasizes ways thatindividuals, as people of God, can more clearly know themselves, theirconnections with others, and the critical role of health and wellness innavigating change and serving others.
Balancing the "Me" and the "We"
Identity Work as a Path toward Wellness
Glen E. KreinerElaine C. HollensbeMathew L. Sheep
I think a lot of clergy take themselves way too seriously. My metaphor isthat they need to buy a collar that is one-half inch bigger because the one theyare wearing is way too tight, and cuts off oxygen to their brain.
—Episcopal priest
Have you ever felt like your job, your family, or some other obligation iscompletely defining you? Have you ever wondered where the unique "you"disappeared amidst all the demands on your time, talent, and energies? You'renot alone. In addition to your own experiences, you can probably pretty easilythink of a friend, a family member, or a neighbor who seems to be working toohard, losing themselves to work or social obligations, or just generally toospent for healthy living. Why is this happening? And what can we do aboutit—for ourselves and for those around us?
This chapter is about the search for "optimal balance"—the "just right"equilibrium between being ourselves and being what other people want us to be.In the chapter, we share some insights as to why this might be happening. Wehope that we can provide a language for understanding some of these challenges,with the hope that the language can give you power over the problem.
Let's start with what research has shown to be a universal challenge—thatevery individual lives in a constant tension between two aspects ofself—the social identity, which comes from group memberships suchas roles, occupation, or church, and the personal identity, whichrepresents the aspects of self that are unique to each person, areas such aspersonal history or personality profile. When we rely too much on the socialaspects of identity (our jobs or social connections), we lose our sense of selfas a unique human being. The "me" gets lost in the "we." On the other hand, whenwe rely too much on the personal aspects of identity, we are cut off fromothers. The "me" loses a healthy connection to the "we." We find that, perhapsparadoxically, by acknowledging our limits as human beings, we empower ourselvesto be better instruments for good. In fact, Jesus found it necessary to withdrawfrom others at times—to seek solitude and achieve balance by being alonein prayer—perhaps to renew a clear sense of his identity and mission:"Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." (Luke 5:15–16)
Of course, each of us differs in our approaches to balancing the "we" and the"me." Research has demonstrated that individuals vary in how much they want tomanifest their unique identities as opposed to defining themselves in terms of acollective. It is worthwhile to pause and ask yourself the following questions:
What parts of me are defined by the groups to which I belong?
Am I satisfied with how and how much they define me?
Do I need more individuality in the way I see myself, or do I need more of asense of belonging?
As we ponder these questions, we help ourselves to recognize the need forchange. We call moving toward this change "identity work."
Identity Work
Identity work is what people can do to create and sustain a healthy sense ofself. Individuals engage in identity work as they struggle to find and maintainthe optimal balance between the "me" and the "we." In our work with Episcopalclergy, we found three major ways that individuals can undertake identity work:through segmenting tactics, integrating tactics, and dual-roleor neutral tactics.
Segmenting Tactics
People can use segmenting tactics in identity work to differentiate theirpersonal identity (me) from their social identity (we). We documented severalways people can segment, limit, prioritize, and relegate social identities tocarve out space for personal identity. This process helps crystallize the "me"among the demands of the "we."
Separating Role from Identity
With this tactic, an individual is able to separate the "what I do" from the"who I am." Distinguishing between doing and being helps to gain control overidentity-shaping processes instead of being consumed by them. One clericdescribed the priesthood in this way:
I feel like it is all of my being. I can't just discard it. It's [like] a cloththat has been soaked with a stain that is through and through—and yet I amconstantly aware of [other] roles. So, when I'm here at work, I am 100%conscious that I am a priest and I'm acting as a priest. When I am home, I amconstantly shifting gears and saying, "Now I'm a wife and a mother." Althoughthe priest part of me pops up every now and then, and I'm aware of it. When I'mwith friends or whatever, I have to consciously tell myself, "You are being afriend." ... I see myself as 24/7 and thoroughly soaked with my priestly calland identity and all that [but] I'm also conscious of when I'm operating inwhich role.
As this statement demonstrates, the effort to separate identity ("Who am I?")from the various roles in which one engages ("What do I do?") can be quiteintentional. Another segmentation tactic is to set limits on how much we allowsocial identities to consume us.
Setting Limits
Sometimes, demands from home or work infringe on us to such a degree that webegin to feel that our boundaries have collapsed. Yet, by acknowledging ourlimits as human beings, we empower ourselves. First, we recognize the temporaland physical restraints upon ourselves, particularly in identity-demandingoccupations such as the priesthood. Second, we can set more realisticexpectations about who we are and what is within the scope of ourresponsibilities and abilities. The adage "don't let the perfect be the enemy ofthe good" can be applied to our own follies in pursuing perfection—suchquests are not only unrealistic, they can tear down our self-concept and takeour eyes off the target of continuous improvement.
Creating an Identity Hierarchy
Of course, not every demand in our lives gets the same amount of attention.Individuals can create a hierarchy—a pecking order of sorts—amongtheir identity demands. Creating a hierarchy empowers the individual by creatingorder out of perceived chaos, and provides a rubric for in-the-moment decisionmaking. Also, creating the hierarchy helps to clarify roles as separate from ourcore selves, further separating the "me" and "we." Several of the identityaspects in our research include: priest, child of God, parent, spouse, communityactivist, and Christian. We also noted that placing something other than thepriesthood first further aided in creating a differentiation between self andvocation. As one priest explained, "I think that becoming a mother, that is whatmy identity is. Even more strongly so than being a priest." As we improve ourability to prioritize identity demands, we not only empower ourselves, but wealso can obtain a healthier overall self-concept.
Enacting Ephemeral Roles
Another way to differentiate self from a strong social identity is to take abreak from that identity and immerse yourself in a temporary or ephemeral role.This could be a one-time experiment or an ongoing escape that allows you toleave the social identity behind (either fully or partially) and enter into avery different role. For example, one priest said, "You need places where youcan step out of that role as a priest." We found a wide range of ephemeralroles, including athlete (joining a kayaking club, bicycling), musician(composing music, joining bands), artist (painting, writing), and social groupmember (joining environmentalist groups, creating informal clubs) ones. Thesepursuits allow us to remove ourselves from the customary demands and seeourselves in new ways.
Integrating Tactics
Individuals can also engage in identity work to integrate their personal andsocial identities, merging the "me" and "we." For individuals using thesetactics, segmentation between personal and social identities becomes less of aconcern because overlap of identities is seen as acceptable and even desirable.Examples of such tactics include "merging role with identity," "infusing self-aspects into tasks," and "casting self as emblem." These tactics are explainedin the following sections.
Merging Role with Identity
Above, we explained the tactic of separating role (what you do) from identity(who you are) as a segmentation tactic. We also found the reverse process beingused in order to more fully integrate oneself with the role. This tacticinvolves treating the social identity and the role as the same. In terms of thepriesthood, this often stemmed from a belief that the priesthood changes yourvery essence (ontological change). Seeing role and identity as the same allowsfor a greater integration of that role into your life. As one priest put it:
It's just part and parcel of every cell in my body. I'm a dad. I'm a husband.I'm an outdoorsman. I'm a priest. It's just a character issue, identity issue.It all goes together. I can't imagine not being one.... You are a priest whetheryou have your collar on or not. You are a priest while you are being a dad. Youare a priest while you are being a husband. You are a priest. So, integrate.Learn how to do all that, together.
Infusing Self-Aspects into Tasks
Rather than totally merging role and identity, some individuals strategicallyintegrate particular aspects of their own personal identity into the priesthoodrole. This often involves a person identifying his or her unique strengths,abilities, and personality dimensions and deciding how to put those dimensionsto work in the role. As one clergy member put it, "How I live out the vocationemerges out of who I am.... For the most part I feel I bring myself to the task.So how I am a priest emerges out of who I am." Several clergy whom weinterviewed in our research gave examples of life experiences (divorce, abuse,past jobs, marital problems, etc.) that they would import into their approach ofbeing a priest (generally) and/or into their relationships with parishioners orother clergy (specifically). This tactic allows for personalization of the role,bringing more of the self into work.
Casting Self as Emblem
The third way individuals integrate social and personal identities is by castingthemselves as an emblem (representation) or role model of the identity. Thisinvolves framing oneself not as a mere member of the group, but as the veryembodiment of it. As one priest told us:
I'm bringing people something that is so much larger than me, than I am. I'mbringing them all the two thousand years of Christian tradition and the comfortof the church and the sacraments and Holy Scripture ... How I feel about it iscompletely irrelevant. Yeah, I do think I disappear, but in a kind ofparadoxical way, I become more fully authentic. So it is very much who I am, butI just don't matter anymore.
Dual-role/Neutral Tactics
The third categorization of tactics can serve to either integrate or segment the"me" and "we," depending on the needs of the individual. These tactics includeseeking refreshment, involving other people, and tapping spiritual resources.
Seeking Refreshment
This tactic involves recharging one's identity batteries by removing oneselffrom the daily demands of the role. A recurring theme in our interviews was theusefulness of some time away. This can range from longer-term and highlystructured forms of refreshment (such as a sabbatical) to shorter-term and/orspontaneous forms of rejuvenation (such as finding a quiet place formeditation). For example, the CREDO conferences offered by CREDO Institute offerclergy and lay leaders an opportunity to detach from their regular commitmentsfor several days, reflect on their lives, and rejuvenate themselves. Many of theclergy we interviewed also pointed to the principle of the Sabbath as a guide;as one put it:
Keep a day off. God took a day off once a week. I've heard clergy say thingslike, "When I work on my day off, I'm giving God two gifts: I'm giving him mywork plus my day off...." It makes me sick. I tell them that. I warn youngclergy that you know there is a commandment, keep the Sabbath day holy. It is acommandment; it's not a suggestion....
In terms of keeping the Sabbath holy, it's not just going to church on Sunday,it's taking a twenty-four hour period to rest.... [Clergy need] to have in theirlives as a habit a near sacrosanct day of the week that everybody knows. It'snot like, "Oh, poor guy needs a rest." It's more like, "This is part of myworship. This is the way I serve God and you can and should, too."
Involving Other People
Clearly, identity demands are driven in large part by the pressures andexpectations put on us by other people. The inherently relational nature ofidentity can be used to our advantage as well. We noted how some clergy wereable to involve other people strategically to help with their identity work. Oneway to do this is by surrounding oneself with supportive people—staffmembers, friends, colleagues—who help create ideal conditions for doingidentity work as well as engaging in identity work themselves. Another way ofinvolving other people is to target specific individuals or groups who can help.In our research, this included family members (e.g., a spouse being a good checkagainst workaholism), support groups (e.g., "colleague groups" composed of otherclergy), and finding friends who were completely disassociated from the churchand/or parish (in order to have friendships not tied to the priesthood).
Tapping Spiritual Resources
Perhaps ironically for a study of clergy, several noted that they had to workparticularly hard to maintain their own spirituality, and that it could easilygo undeveloped. One told us, "Some clergy don't rely on God. They try to rely ontheir own inner resources. You can get burned out there. You need to care foryour own spiritual life." Clergy we interviewed mentioned several specificspiritual practices that were linked to their identity work, including prayer,meditation, reading scripture, formal worship services, and guided spiritualdirection. Consider how you might pursue issues of identity development as aspiritual path—how might spirit and identity be linked for you and thosearound you?
Conclusions
All individuals have challenges stemming from the tension between the need to beunique and the need to belong. This is a lifelong balancing act along the pathto wellness. As you reflect upon your own current situation, where are you inthe balance? Consider how the identity work tactics outlined above might beapplied in your own life to your advantage. How might you employ some of thesetactics to develop a greater sense of the "me" while still being a viable andvibrant part of the "we?" How might you utilize the intellectual, emotional,spiritual, and human resources available to you on your path to wellness? Andhow might you help those around you—congregational members, familymembers, others—as you travel on this path together?
In conjunction with the CREDO Institute, we are on an ongoing journey to betterunderstand how people can negotiate the pressures of identity more effectively.We continue to develop ideas and training materials that can help people betternegotiate these demands at work, at home, and at church. We'd love to hear yoursuccess stories and suggestions for others, and any other general comments atbordersandbridges@gmail.com. Drop us a note!
