CHAPTER 1
The Judgemental K(not)sthat Limit the Flow
When we experience judgemental thoughts, they indicatethat some aspects of our current situation are not inaccordance with our authentic flow of energy and naturalease. In particular, the brain—or specifically, our thinking—isthe origin of these stories. I'll explore a type of culturalmentality I call "blame-game programming" and show howit assists in depressing and repressing our emotions throughthe reinforcement of judgemental thoughts that locate blameon someone (yourself or others). I call these sophisticatedmental stories about events and/or people "k(not)s."
These stories are like recorded responses that replay inour minds, telling us that certain people, events, or evenour own behaviours are reasons we're not happy. Haveyou noticed patterns in the stories that keep coming up inyour mind? In this chapter, we're going to explore the linkbetween our thinking, our perceptions of the world, and theway the world may actually exist.
Please read the following statements and ask if you'veever said them to yourself (perhaps with slightly differentwording) and if you believe that they are true: My life(or aspects of my world) should not be like this. I am notpowerful enough to create my life the way I choose. I cannottrust my world, and so I must control it.
I used to believe that all of these statements were trueto varying degrees, although I didn't realise it until I wasin my mid-forties. When I came to this realization, I beganto wonder why I thought this way and how I'd come tobelieve in these three key assumptions about life so strongly.I now realise that I grew up in a culture that reinforces thebelief that the world is a limited place where the lucky fewhave access to more than enough and the majority muststruggle to get a share of what's left. And if we don't getour fair share, then it's someone's fault! I call this culturalmindset "blame-game" mental programming, because it isbased upon a judgemental view that seeks to place blame onsomeone or something for what appears to be wrong in ourlives. A blame-game culture is characterised by a viewpointthat if life is not working out the way we want it to, thenthere is wrongness in the world, and we seek to locate wherethe blame is to be placed.
At first glance, the world view we have developedappears to be our normal reality; therefore, we are proneto feeling uncomfortable when confronted with the ideathat our so-called reality is actually a cultural construct.Indeed, the way we think about the world is so ingrainedin our perceptions that we believe our construct representsthe world as it actually exists. In fact, it may not be possibleto agree on an objective reality, as we will discuss in laterchapters.
Notice how our newspapers, radio, and televisionprograms tell us who is to blame on a regular basis andhow many of our conversations focus on our judgementsabout particular people or situations. In fact, we often alignourselves with other people primarily because we share asimilar view of the world with them; this is a tribal viewthat says we feel most comfortable with those who agreewith our judgements.
How does blame-game programming limit our beliefsand therefore restrict our authenticity? This is a subtle issuethat I will explain in more depth throughout the book, butessentially, it creates a sense of limitation within ourselves—inthat we are not enough and lack in one way or another—andtherefore we must seek ways to increase our sense of powerand worth. My parents raised me in an environment thatsupported this blame-game view; everything—includinglove—was anything but abundant. Rather, it was limited.
To have a part of the American pie (yes, I'm Americanby birth), I needed to do the right thing and be judged asworthy. If I didn't feel worthy, there had to be a cause toblame: myself, my family, or perhaps even my world in itsentirety. I struggled with feeling that I wasn't good enoughfor many years. I tried to find the job, partner, or lifestylethat would allow me to feel loved and accepted. SomehowI just couldn't feel loved even when I did have a partner orfeel worthy even when I did have a job. What prevented mefrom really knowing that I was fine just as I was? And didothers feel the same way, or was it just me who was somehowinsufficient and insecure?
I had a breakdown before I had the breakthrough thatwould save my life. Afterwards, I started to piece togetherthe evidence and work out why my world had shattered soviolently. The answer that I eventually came up with wasshocking. It was my thinking; it had entirely shaped the wayI felt about my life. It was not a consequence of difficult earlyexperiences within my family, my health, my universityeducation or being born as a white woman in a Westernculture. All of these did contribute to the mental view I hadbuilt up about the world, but at the heart of it all, there wasa fundamental, core world view that secretly shaped how Isaw myself and my relationship with the world.
The blame-game cultural program that I uncovered in mythinking process reinforced pernicious stories in my mind. Itfunctions by making out that objects outside of us or our owninnate deficiencies block the flow of love, joy, and abundance.This type of thought program or pattern of thinking createsa distinctive way for us to view ourselves; it dictates how wespeak to one another, how we act in the world, and evenwhat we expect from the world around us. The program is sointrinsically woven into our lives that we can't easily separateourselves from it. Because blame-game mental programminglimits who we think we are, it keeps us living in fear throughthe application of our judgemental stories.
Another way to view the three statements is as k(not)s:"My life is not ... because ..." "I am not ... because ...""The world is not ... because ..."
We often say these words to ourselves or out loud toothers. Do we realise how many times a day we say suchthings—hundreds, perhaps? I call these kinds of statements"blame-game k(not)s," because when we judge ourselves,other people, or the world, we operate from a blame-gameview. That view ties our natural connections to the flow ofour authentic beings in knots. We literally reverse the flowwhen we say words that limit who we are and what theworld is; rather than confirming our unlimited potential,we block it.
Judgement, in terms of our thoughts, speech, andactions, is a major block to being authentic. But don't werequire judgement to function as human beings in a complexsociety?
Judgement can be one of two kinds: moralisingjudgements, by which we assert that the label we attach toan object (including the self) is true (for example, the kindof judgement that labels people and things as good or bad);and discerning judgements, by which we assess a person, anobject, or even ourselves as being (or not being) in harmonywith our values. The difference may seem subtle. However, itis similar to knowing when and how to use a knife—it is notthe knife that is harmful or beneficial but our application ofit. The same is true with judgement; we tend to overuse it tothe point of harming others and particularly ourselves, andthat is especially the case with moralising judgement.
"Should not" and "should" thoughts also createmoralising judgements. We use these words to tell ourselvesthat someone ought to comply with the patterns of behaviourthat we approve of, and if they don't, we condemn themas bad, evil, or misguided. Yet our label, whatever it is, issimply a projection of what we believe is wrong. Wrongnessdoesn't actually occur in anything or anyone per se. It occursin our perceptions. However, judgement is so common inWestern thinking that we don't question it. Next time you'rehaving a conversation, notice how often you or others makestatements about something you don't like in society, insomeone else, or in yourself.
What purpose does moralising judgement have for usas individuals? It clearly defines us as opposed to "them"—whetherit is the self and another person or our clan andanother clan. It always places one in a superior position andthe other as less superior. In tribal cultures, this enablestribes to maintain their cultural stability so that individualsdo not seek outside knowledge or attempt to think or actoutside of the defined limits of accepted behavioural norms.It creates strong tribal loyalties and a sense of safety, whetherthe groups are families, employees, sporting teams, religiousgroups, or any other type of identity with a demographic,cultural, or ideological characteristic. Judgement allows us tomaintain a sense of boundaries about what we believe is rightor wrong, and it maintains our own sense of boundednesswithin a limited range of social behaviours.
Judgement itself is not a problem. Discerning judgementcan inform us that we may need to alter our behaviours,either quickly in response to a current situation or in thelonger term to reassess our strategy. We do so in order toremain part of the tribe or just to live our values more fully.Yet we now live in an increasingly interdependent societywhere cooperation is central to our need not just for survival,but also to become authentic and self-fulfilled individuals.If too much judgement separates us and creates unhealthythought processes, then how do we effectively use judgementto help us maintain the flow of an authentic life?
The key lies in the balanced use of judgement so thatwe remain aware while not underreacting or overreacting tosituations. Judgement is a thought process; yet, as mentionedearlier, emotions are helpful in making clear and sounddecisions. However, our emotions can also hinder the useof judgement, because we're often not accustomed to theenergetic aspect of emotions. A judgement associated with astrong emotion can often be difficult to manage, as we canreact to a situation based on prior experiences rather than areal, momentary threat.
Imagine if you were a four-year-old girl wearing a yellowdress, and you went outside to play. A neighborhood boythen ran up to you and shouted "ugly dress," and then youthought to yourself, "I should not have put on this dress,"and ran back inside the house feeling miserable. You thenunconsciously decided to dislike the color yellow and avoidclothes with that color in the future. Now, as an adult, youstill avoid the color but can't remember why you don't like it.If someone buys you a yellow top, you immediately feel badand perhaps even label that person as unthoughtful.
The overuse of moralising judgement occurs when weunconsciously associate a negative emotion with an object,person, or aspect of ourselves, which is then avoided,negated, or labeled as bad into the future. The stories wecreate around prior experiences allow us to label the worldwith categories that shape our responses and let us feelsafe. Blame-game programming happens early in life aswe start labeling experiences and people, and then theselabels become our templates for how we feel about life ingeneral. The degree to which our thoughts are controlled bythis programming depends upon how much we have beenexposed to a culture and family that spoke and acted fromits particular perspective. Of course, we are also influencedby our unique biological and psychological self-developmentand the extent to which we believe in the stories that ourminds create.
When we react emotionally to events or the possibilityof future events, it can often be due to feelings emergingfrom a prior experience, rather than from an actual threat.The key message in releasing blame-game thinking is thatthat we're not actually seeing the situation as it is, but ratheras our mental programming directs us to "see," as shown inFigure 1.
The judgemental k(not)s that are created are not easilyrecognised, as we have been operating by their rules for mostof our lives. However, we can overcome our unconsciousthinking with effort, and when we do, we will unlockaccess to our true potential. It takes repeated practice toallow feelings to arise without the story running full speedahead. There are many practices and approaches that canassist us in waking up from the judgemental stories thatwe tell ourselves. Once we use them, we will find ourselvesliving in the moment rather than the past or future. Withpersistence, we will be able to move through the story backto our original emotions and then let go of the judgementsthat prevent our flow of authentic being.
The remainder of this book provides guidance inreleasing our blame-game programming (beliefs). What iscalled reality is far more malleable than we ever imagined,and so are our beliefs! And when we align ourselves withour authentic self by letting our natural emotions flowand releasing the judgemental stories that limit our trueabundance, then our lives will be full of ease and joy ratherthan struggle and poverty.
This book is not simply about positive thinking andmanifestation, as affirmations will not manifest if wecontinue to harbour subconscious negative feelings aboutourselves. It is not enough to simply believe what is writtenhere; you have to discover if it's true for you. If you find ithas some value, then try experimenting with larger aspectsof your life story, your goals, and even your own identity.Are you really who you think you are?
A blame-game mind says that you are a limited being,with limited resources, living in a limited world. This issimply a thought program that you were given early in life.Maybe you only received part of the programming, but I'llbet that you've still got some left. Therefore, this book willbe of value to you.
The following chapters are structured as lessons on howto untie each major k(not) in the blame-game program.First, the k(not) is explained, and then certain approaches arepresented for releasing thoughts and allowing the repressedemotions to be expressed in a safe way. At the end of eachchapter is a series of practices that focus on the lessons givenfor untying that k(not). The more you focus on the newthoughts and allow the natural expression of your feelings,the stronger your capacity to untie each k(not) will be.
Often, when we begin living more fully in the flowof authentic being, we are likely to experience the deepestaspects of our own versions of the blame-game mindpopping up with a message that screams, "This is scary,and we should k(not) be doing, being, saying, etc." Thenwe close down again, because our programming has toldus to. Therefore, living as our authentic selves takes somepatience and downright sweat and tears for us to realise ourfull potential.
If you yearn to experience an authentic life, then spendtime letting yourself feel and see what your intuition tellsyou is necessary for getting what you really deserve (anddoing it legally). Search for answers in everyday life, andask for guidance. You will eventually receive all the answers,although they might show up in unlikely places. Be aware,and be brave.
CHAPTER 2
Key 1 – Reset
Move from Rejection to Acceptanceof Your Emotions and Experiences
Have you noticed how much of our experiences we reject?Our minds decide what we like and dislike on an ongoingbasis with a constant stream of "this is good" and "that isbad" being recorded in our brains. We often believe thecontent of this incessant chatter to the point of formingentire belief systems based upon the (judgemental) storiesthat we create in our minds. As explained in chapter 1, thistype of moralising judgement can repress our emotions,which in turn, leads to our creating mental stories in relationto ourselves and our lives, and these block our natural flowof authenticity.
The feeling that "I should k(not) be experiencing this"is a subtle one, often occurring at a very deep level. Itis derived from a type of story that suggests that we aresomehow deficient, that a particular situation is not right, orthat something will get worse. If we have ever experiencedserious trauma, then we have even deeper fears about thefuture, as we don't want to re-experience that particularevent again. There are perfectly good reasons for our mentalwiring wanting us to avoid certain situations, as they might,potentially, be dangerous. Children learn not to touch thestove burner after scorching their fingers just once!
As indicated earlier, there is a knife-edge differencebetween using our discerning judgement to guard againstreal danger so as to act appropriately and believing in ourmoralising judgemental story, which seduces us into avoidingour feelings about an event or a person. When we judge anevent or person as causing a negative feeling in us, we arechoosing to disown the feelings in ourselves that we finddifficult to accept.
Therefore, when we reject experiences or people, weare rejecting emotional experiences inside ourselves thatare actually seeking to be expressed. Because our societyis generally uncomfortable with the expression of feelings,it is acceptable to transmute those feelings into a "blame"thought. Often we might verbalise these thoughts later toanother person who is not connected to the original eventor simply blame ourselves and maintain an internal mentalstory.
This process all seems so natural because we're immersedin the culture of blame-game thoughts from an early age!However, it is simply a type of mental programming andnot natural at all. It is not in accordance with our authenticnature, and this is why we experience an ongoing low levelof anxiety. The blame-game thoughts are in conflict withour natural state of ease through emotional release that weare unconsciously seeking.
