THE JOURNEY OF A MAN AND THREE WOMEN, FINDING FREEDOM IN THE TRINITY. Backslide "I always held Pastors to such high standards. To me they were the closest thing to GOD. I have actually left churches for mistakes that Pastors had made. How hypercritical of me. After reading the book Backslide my thoughts have changed. The first think I realized is that Pastors are human. They have the same trials and tribulations if not more than the congregation they minister o. I appreciate the authors honesty and willingness to share life experiences to educate others. Backslide is a definite read." - Tanisha Bagley, author of "The Price of Love" "Culturally literate, morally sophisticated, socially compassionate and poitically conscious, Reverend Carl Kenney has long proven himself to be a man of the people and of the spirit. Reverend Kenney is a constant reminder that there are no boundaries to the spiritual worlds we are all destined to inhabit." - Mark Anthony Neal, author of "New Black Man: Rethinking Black Masculinity" "This book is a truly emotional piece of fiction. It is a story comes from some very real places. Shinning a bright light on some very dark corners, A raw piece of art imitating life." - YahZarah ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Affectionately known as "Kenney the voice of many", Carl grew up in Columbia, Missouri. He received his Bachelor's degree in Journalism from the University of Missouri-Columbia. He furthered his education at Duke University and attached a Master of Divinity. He was named a Fellow in Pastoral Leadership Development at the Princeton Theological Seminary on May 14, 2005. He is a freelance writer with his commentary appearing in the "News & Observer", "The Independent Weekly", "The Durham Heral-Sun", "Tribes Magazine", "Spectacular Magazine", "The Triangle Tribune" and "The Zion Herald." Carl is the author of the novel "Preacha' Man." He resides in Durham, North Carolina where is Pastor of Compassion Ministries of Durham, an American Baptist Church founded under his leadership in 2002. (Cover design and illustration by Pandora Frazier).

BACKSLIDE

A novel By Carl W. Kenney II

Trafford Publishing

Copyright © 2010 Carl W. Kenney II
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4269-4149-8

Chapter One

January Cooperation Freedom Change

Do you not know that there comes a midnight hour when everyone has to throw off his mask? Do you believe that life will always let itself be mocked? Do you think you can slip away a little before midnight in order to avoid this? Or are you not terrified by it? I have seen men in real life who so long deceived others that at last their true nature could not Reveal itself ... In every man there is something which to a certain degree prevents him from becoming perfectly transparent to himself; and this may be the case in so high a degree, he may be so inexplicably woven into relationships of life which extend far beyond himself that he almost cannot reveal himself. But he who cannot reveal himself cannot love, and he who cannot love is the most unhappy man of all. -Soren Kierkegaard-

A ray of light rested at the foot of Simon's bed. His gaze at the beam reminded him of words he had shared before the members of the Shady Grove Baptist Church. Fourteen months had passed since he walked out the back door of the church to capture the love of his life.

The light of hope, the ray of promise, that reminder of God's provision, was there, at the foot of the bed, as he held Jamaica in his arms. The ghost of hurtful moments clouded his imagination while the words of grateful parishioners left a void in his delicate spirit. Simon missed the work of the church.

His prayers seemed feeble as he begged God to take away the thirst for ministry. His work at the university was not enough. "God, show me this too is ministry," he prayed in silence as Jamaica held him tighter. His love for her was not enough to diminish the desire for ministry. He closed his eyes to fight back the tears.

"Why this, Lord?" he prayed as the emotions of his plea brewed within his aching bones. Like that fire shut up in the bones the Prophet Jeremiah wrote about, Simon's drive for service would not go away. "Why this, Lord?" his prayer seemed more like a death wish.

The ray was still there. "What does it mean?" he wondered as he concentrated on its attraction. It was there waiting for him when he opened his eyes. There to force him to contemplate the decision he had made ? Jamaica's love over God's call. There after making love. There after saying "I love you, I need you, I'm so thankful you are in my life". The light would not leave him alone.

"Go away and let me rest," he whispered to the light as if the Spirit was waiting to speak to him, reminiscent of the burning bush that swayed Moses to confront a mighty pharaoh. "Let me find my peace. I have served you well. Please leave me alone."

"Good morning baby," Jamaica's moan shattered the silence of his epiphany. "How long you been up?"

"About 30 minutes."

"Um, you have a busy day"

"Yeah, I have a faculty meeting at 9:00 and a class this afternoon."

"Can you meet me for lunch?" she chuckled as she forced her way on top of him. Lunch was their code for sex in the middle of the day.

"I always have time for lunch," he kissed her in that special way. "But before we do lunch can I have some breakfast?"

"You know they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day," she laughed as she kissed his chest while making her way to his stomach and then to where his stiff penis was waiting for her kiss.

They could never get enough of each other. Each knew how to satisfy the other, and their days were filled with thoughts of how the moment of lovemaking would begin. Each loved the touch of the other. Each loved the taste of pleasing the other. Each felt the trembling of love throbbing with every breath.

After savoring each other, after saying I love you over and over again ? Jamaica placed his hard penis inside her waiting vagina. The intensity of their foreplay heightened each orgasm she had. Over and over and over again, she came as he held back long enough to satisfy her yearning for pleasure.

"Nobody can do me like you do," she screamed as they climaxed together. "That's the way I like it. That's the way I like it."

They screamed in unison as they ended another installment to prove their love. They rested in each other's arms as the afterglow reminded Simon of why he walked away. The beam was gone now. The only sound was the beat of Jamaica's heart as he placed his head against her breast.

"You sure you have time for lunch," Jamaica chuckled.

"Like I said woman, I always have time for lunch with you."

"Too bad I have to go to work 'cause I would stay here all day and rock your world."

"I know," Simon responded as he thought of his life with Jamaica since leaving Durham, North Carolina to move to Dallas, Texas. Suddenly, the thought of the glaring beam at the foot of the bed vanished long enough for him to relish this mountaintop encounter.

It wouldn't last long. The image of the steady ray revisited his attention as soon as the soothing heat of the water from the shower hit his body. The burst of emotions that inflated his thoughts returned as soon as Jamaica left his side to dry her body. There her voice and touch were not present to take the urge of the call away.

It always came back. No matter how hard he prayed and tried to make it go away, there was a power beyond his own beckoning him to go back to that pain-filled place. That place where insensitivity and misperceptions fueled the opinions of others. Back to that place where mean-spirited people came in sheep's clothing with vicious attacks on the fortitude of men like Simon.

The voice within him would not go away. He stayed there, in the shower, praying the waters would cleanse his desire to go back. He closed his eyes begging for the face of Jamaica to supplant the vision of light. It didn't work. His love was not strong enough to detach him from the passion that called him to serve. Too many hurting people lurking in the shadows of faith needed his strength. His words of inclusion stood as stark contrast to the superficial theology consuming the soul of the Church.

The struggles of the Preacha' Man continued. After walking away for love, he was forced to contend with the consequences of avoiding the call on his life. As much as he wanted to find peace with his new existence, he couldn't. The call would not let him rest. The faces of too many hurting people gripped his soul and drew him back ? back to the struggles of ministry.

What would he say to Jamaica?

* * *

"Good afternoon Dr. Edwards," one of the students greeted Simon as he walked into his Introduction to Theology class.

"How is everyone today?" he answered as his students prepared to take notes. "I hope all of you found time to enjoy life in the midst of all the work I gave you over the weekend."

"Whatever Dr. Edwards," a student responded. "You treat us like we're grad students."

"That's not true. If you were grad students I would have given you twice the work you received," he snapped back. "I give you so much work because I believe you can handle it. I base what you get from what I believe you can take. To those whom much is given, much is required. Besides, the world needs for you to pave the way to change. Can I get a witness this afternoon?"

"Amen Church," the class responded in harmony. Simon had taught the class to respond to his teaching in the traditional call and response idiom of the black Church. It was his way of making his class fun and to connect him to what he was missing.

"Who has a power quote today from your reading assignment?"

"I do," Bruce jumped up. Students received credit for bringing a quote to class from the reading. The quote became the subject of conversation for the class.

"Preach on my brother," Simon said.

"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness," Bruce quoted from Paul Tillich's book Courage to Be. "It strikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life. It strikes us when we feel that our separation is deeper than usual, because we have."

"Well done young scholar, tell us why you have selected this quote for today's worship experience."

"Because Tillich focused on the need for self-affirmation despite the threat of non-being," the student responded. "He talks a lot about dread, or anxiety. We need this today in worship because so many of us are anxious about our grade in this class and it's messing with our self-esteem."

"As you should," Simon laughed. "I expect each of you to perform at the level you are capable. No playing in this class. Can the Church say Amen?"

"Amen," the laughter filled the air.

"Tillich spoke of the 'God above God,'" Simon continued. "This is the God that transcends theism. This is the source of our being, the essential being of reason. This is our divine center of wisdom, the human center that is above our understanding. Beyond what we have been taught. Beyond what we feel. This is the God we find when the God we're taught about no longer makes sense."

Simon could tell by the looks on their faces they were grasping the concept. "When all else fails, when the God you're taught about in church no longer makes sense and you find yourself grappling with the assumptions of your faith, there is a God beyond the God of understanding," he continued.

Tillich's Courage to Be had carried Simon since leaving the Shady Grove Baptist Church. He often wondered if he had made a mistake by walking away too soon. He missed the emotional burst that came with each Sunday morning celebration. He craved the hum of the Hammond B-3 organ and the lash of the snare drum that paced the clapping of the choir. He missed the shouts and dances of those filled with spirit after a week of toil.

He missed preaching. The words flowed like poetry. He missed people rising on their feet in tribute to getting the message. He missed the tears that couldn't be held back from grown men touched by the words of his message. The smiles, the laughter, the change shared in testimony. Simon missed the Church, and the work of the classroom would never replace the thrill locked in his soul.

He remembered his seven day grapple in deciding if staying was worth all the lies told and the constant attack on his character. They claimed he was gay after he fought for the inclusion of gays and lesbians. They attacked his desire to reach out in support of those addicted to alcohol and other drugs. He fought for the homeless. He fought for the incarcerated. The constant battle to move the people beyond the worship of old time religion drove him away. Despite all the battles he missed the work of the Church.

He missed watching people grow. These students would come for a season ? a semester of a year or two ? and move to other places. He wasn't able to observe the impact of his teaching. He wouldn't marry them, counsel them, baptize them and watch them share in the work of the kingdom. He would not meet their families and share in each glad moment. They came to be taught, and at the end of the term their joy was in a grade. The defeat was in the same.

Simon needed more than a place to teach ? he needed the family back. His time away from ministry had taught him that lesson. The Church is much more than a place to celebrate in worship. It is a home ? a gathering of family. He loved the family. He loved its dysfunction. He loved it for what it represented, both good and bad.

His love was deeper than the games played by the people at Shady Grove. He could not forget how deeply scarred he was by their ways. He continued to carry the baggage of his journey. He still cried when he considered how much they hated him, even when he did his best to show the way. He fought back the rage caused by every false rumor and every mean-spirited word launched to tarnish his spirit. He could not deny the anguish caused by living and working among God's people.

Simon fought back the hatred. He learned to love them despite it all. He could because of his Christology. Loving became his ethic. Time had mended the burden of his experience, and now he was prepared to go back. He would not be the same. He could never do it the same and he would not do things for the same reasons as before. He wanted to go back. He wondered how one goes back to revisit pain when the fear found in those memories is still unknown.

"Don't forget, final papers are due next week," Simon concluded class. "I expect masterpieces from each of you."

A few stayed behind to ask questions. There was no gathering at the soul food restaurant to fellowship after the benediction. They went separate ways, to class, back to the dorm, the library. They went to do what students do ? prepare to pass each class. They weren't family. They were not enrolled to make life-changing decisions. Simon wanted to believe that his class was making a difference in the formation of their faith, but he knew it would never be the same as in the Church.

He walked to his office, closed the door and prayed. There, in his office, surrounded by the words of Augustine, Barth, Cone, Calvin, Luther, Feuerbach, Gutierrez, Kierkegaard, McFague, Moltmann and others ? he prayed. He prayed in a grave of words. "I did not get a PhD to teach, Lord. I did it to preach for you."

His prayer surprised him. It came without warning. "I did not get a PhD to teach, Lord. I did it to preach for you." He had spent the past year attempting to convince himself that teaching was his new calling. He did his best to feel good about walking away from the Church. He wanted to believe that love for Jamaica was worth the sacrifice.

"God give an answer," he prayed. "What does all of this mean?" Concept of Anxiety, one of Soren Kierkegaard's books, was on his desk. He nodded in disbelief. He loved the work of the Danish philosopher, theologian and psychologist called the Father of Existentialism.

"God, is Jamaica my Regine?" he prayed. "Am I doomed to make Kierkegaard's mistake?" Regine Olsen was the love of Kierkegaard's life. He proposed to her; however, he soon felt disillusionment and depression about the marriage. Less than a year after he had proposed, he broke it off on August 11, 1841. He wrote in his journal that his 'melancholy' made him unstable for marriage. It's not known why he called off the marriage, but it is clear the two were deeply in love, even after she married Johan Frederik Schlegel. Years later, Kierkegaard asked Regine's husband for permission to speak with her, but he refused. Soon afterwards, the couple left the country after Schlegel was appointed governor in the Danish West Indies. By the time Regine returned, Kierkegaard was dead. She was buried next to him.

Simon believed Kierkegaard maintained that his love for Regine compromised his love for God. His work was impacted by this loss. He regretted his sacrifice to the grave. "Is Jamaica my Regine?" he cried. "Will I miss out on true love because of my love for the work you have given? Will I die like Kierkegaard, hurting because of the ache caused by failing to be with my Regine?"

* * *

"Pastor, we really miss you in Durham," Calvin Jenkins, one of the former members at Shady Grove said. The phone call shocked Simon. It was hard to hold back the emotions.

"I think of Shady Grove every day, Calvin. How is the work at the Church?"

"A lot of people left when you walked away. They called an older minister not interested in the kind of work you did. It's just not the same anymore, Pastor."

"That's to be expected Calvin. Each person in ministry has a different calling. It would be a mistake to try to make a person into another me."

"I know Pastor, but man we miss what used to be. It's hard going back to that type of ministry. We miss the teaching. We miss the fun we used to have."

"It's good to know I'm missed Calvin, but people need to find a way to move on without me."

"That's too bad. I've been charged to convince you to come back to Durham," there was a silence.

"You've been charged to do what?"

"To convince you to come back to Durham, Pastor. There's a group of us who want you to come back. We've been meeting on our own, holding Bible Studies and talking about the things you taught us. We tried to stay at Shady Grove, but we just couldn't do it. Not after how things went down."

(Continues...)

Excerpted from BACKSLIDEby Carl W. Kenney II Copyright © 2010 by Carl W. Kenney II. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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