"Juggling two young kids and a full-time job derailed me. This book put me back on track and even had me laughing. Thank you, Carly" -Lisi Harrison, best-selling author of The Clique series, The Alphas series, and Monster High series. www.lisiharrison.com You need this book if you consider yourself lucky when you have time to shave both legs your kids think it's odd when you spend more than a few hours with them you think running out the door counts as exercise you're having a more intimate relationship with your smart phone than your spouse you think putting on clean clothes is dressing up you look forward to your annual pap just to have some "me" time So many moms neglect themselves and their well-being because they think it's the only way to take care of their family. After all, isn't that what a "good mom" does? Carly Cooper, a certified life coach for moms, shares her unique R.E.I.N.V.E.N.T. System that she created to help busy, stressed-out moms shift this backward perception and get back in touch with who they really are. Using practical advice, tips, strategies, and hands-on exercises, you are shown exactly how to become the best woman and mom you can be by learning to have more freedom, more sanity, and more time to enjoy it all.

Balance the Mother Load

R.E.I.N.V.E.N.T. Your Life in Just 8 Weeks!By Carly Cooper

Balboa Press

Copyright © 2012 Carly Cooper
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-4429-8

Contents

Dedication................................................vAcknowledgments...........................................viiIntroduction..............................................xiWeek One Redefine Motherhood.............................1Week Two Envision Your Ideal Life.......................13Week Three Improve your relationships.....................37Week Four Nurture Yourself...............................53Week Five Vanquish Mommy Guilt...........................65Week Six Expectation Overhaul...........................77Week Seven Nix Negativity Now.............................87Week Eight Time Management Tune Up........................109Recommended Reading.......................................129Bibliography..............................................131About the Author..........................................133

Chapter One

Week One

Redefine Motherhood

"Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women's opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering." Elaine Heffner

R.E.I.N.V.E.N.T.

What's a "good mom" anyway?

How would you define a "good mom"? Don't feel bad or ashamed if you haven't the foggiest idea. It's not your fault. Through the media we're inundated with images of smiling, cheerful, always-clean children with gorgeous, thin and calm mothers happily playing next to them. There's not a frown line or strand of out-of-place hair in sight. Just pure joy! As mothers, we are besieged with messages from society, our friends and our relatives and as a result, we unknowingly adopt someone else's set of values, morals and rules, which don't always jive with our personality. Still, we follow these rules as if they're "right" and the "only way." It's these kinds of warped messages that send many moms into a downward spiral of insecurity, forcing them to adopt the "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" philosophy-if you know what I mean.

If you're like most "real life" moms, your clothes are dirty, you smell like sweaty feet dipped in curdled milk, you put way too much pressure on yourself, you assume your parenting style will likely cause your child to need years of therapy, you compare yourself to other moms, and you feel like you're spinning out of control. And, all of this usually happens before 10 a.m.

So what happened to that high achieving, driven, independent, ambitious woman you once were before you became a mother? She's likely been buried under a week's worth of laundry and drowned out by the shrill voice of Dora the Explorer. But she's still in there. Somewhere. You're just too tired and drained to find her. And, you probably don't even know where to start looking. (If you just called out "Map!" we really need to set up an intervention!)

As evolved as women have become, it's a lot easier to talk about having it all, than actually doing what it takes to get it. In modern motherhood, we're expected to maintain successful careers, cook healthy meals, raise well-behaved kids, keep a clean house, go to the gym at least three times a week, drink eight glasses of water a day, be a loving wife and feel totally balanced in the process. With the amount of weight we carry around on our backs, it's surprising that we don't all have enormous calf muscles!

For many women, the transition into motherhood is really hard—though there seems to be a lot of shame in admitting that. Perhaps this is because making and carrying a baby, scientifically speaking, is a completely natural process. Our bodies are made to do it. So we assume that raising a child should feel as natural. That's why, when we experience any kind of struggle or challenge, we feel inadequate, like there's something wrong with us. Have you ever felt that way?

Are you living your "core values"?

It's frustrating and often surprising to us when we struggle with motherhood. We're smart and capable women. (I'm told that some of us can actually fold a fitted bed sheet although I still believe that's an urban myth). So why can't we figure out how to have kids and be happy at the same time? Why do we feel as if we're failing at motherhood more often than we're succeeding? We so desperately want to excel at everything we take on. We want to be good moms, wives, sisters, daughters, friends and co-workers. We worry about getting everything right and perfect and beat ourselves up when we can't possibly do so. We look outside of ourselves for answers and many of us follow the herd when it comes to making family decisions. With all the choices we're presented with, it's hard to know what we do out of love and what we do out of obligation. Are you making decisions based on what you want to do or what you think you should do?

Here's a way to check in. If you're feeling stressed out, overwhelmed or full of dread, chances are you're not living by your core values. Values represent who you are and what is important to you. They are not universal nor are they right or wrong. When you fully honour your values then your actions are sincere, authentic and in alignment with who you truly are. These are the moments when you shine and are at your best. We are all unique. What works for me may be out of the question for you. That's why it's crucial for you to establish what values are essential to you and then live your life honouring them.

One of my clients found herself feeling claustrophobic as a stay-at-home mother. She had chosen to be home with her child instead of going back to work and thought she had made the right decision. After a few months in her new role, she was climbing the walls out of boredom and frustration. She told me she felt really guilty for feeling this way because "shouldn't I love spending all my time with my precious baby?" I asked her what she enjoyed doing and what her life was like before she became a mom. Immediately, the tone of her voice changed. She sounded more energized when she told about how she loved working, singing, connecting with others and making her own money. She really valued her independence and spontaneity. When she spoke her truth out loud, the realization hit her like a ton of bricks. Staying home all day alone with her baby felt isolating and lonely. She wasn't honouring her core value of connection. Sticking to the same routine day after day was anything but spontaneous and being financially dependent on her husband went against her value of independence.

Once she became aware of her feelings, finding a reasonable solution was much easier. We talked about the different ways she could honour her core values. She enrolled her child in daycare a few days a week to ensure she had time to herself. She made play dates with other moms to fulfill her need for connection. And, she began exploring career options to feed her desire for financial independence. It was hard on her at first. She did feel guilty for dropping her daughter off at daycare so that she could have lunch with a friend. But, she also realized the value in doing so. Not only did her daughter thrive at daycare, she also benefitted by having a more relaxed and happy mother at the end of the day. Win-win!

When you are aligned with your core values, making decisions becomes much easier. You begin to take on work and activities that actually mean something to you and they make you happy when you do them. Knowing what your core values are also allows you to say no to the things that go against what you believe in, freeing you from their burden. Take it slowly. No one is saying that you have to immediately quit every commitment that drains you. Just be aware of how you feel in certain situations and around certain people. If the circumstances don't feel right, chances are you're not living by your core values.

It's time to reclaim and redefine yourself. Be proud of who you are and what you believe in. The key is not to try and become a better mother but to figure out how to be a happier one. The way to do this is to begin living by your own set of values and morals. Life becomes more enjoyable when you do things that actually have meaning. You owe it to yourself and your family to live a truthful and authentic life, full of purpose, because, as Oprah often reminded us, being a mom is the hardest job in the world. Amen, my billionaire non-mom guru. Amen!

Time to start writing

1. How do you define the term, "good mom"?

2. Do you feel like you are a "good mom"? If not, what makes you a "bad mom"?

3. What pressures do you feel as a mother?

Finding your core values

1. Think of a peak time in your life, a time of extreme pleasure or adventure, learning or satisfaction, peace or well-being. It may be a moment in time or may have happened over a long period. Describe this time with as many pertinent details as possible. What was it about this moment or experience that made it so powerful? Put yourself back in that time and be aware of all that's around you. What do you see? Hear? Taste? Smell? Feel? What thoughts are in your head? What emotions are you experiencing?

2. What people, public figures or those you know, inspire you? What is it about these individuals or their lives that makes them attractive to you? What characteristic of theirs would you like to emulate? 3. Think back to a terrible event, moment or period in your life, a time where you felt completely dishonored, unloved, disempowered—a truly yucky time. Describe this time with as many pertinent details as possible. What about it was so horrible? What aspects of that time do you never want to experience again? Put yourself back in that time and be aware of all that's around you. What do you see? Hear? Taste? Smell? Feel? What thoughts are in your head? What emotions are you experiencing? Balance the Mother Load 4. What really makes you angry and/or drives you crazy? 5. If I were to interview your family and/or closest friends, what would they say you value the most?

Additional Values Work

This values list and exercise was adapted and borrowed with permission from Susan M. Valdiserri, PCC, CPCC founding principal of Leaders of Purpose.

Using the prompt: "As I make important decisions, this is how I value ____________ (fill in the blank with each value) ..." rate each of the values listed on the previous page as:

1. This is very important to me (sort of a nonnegotiable).

2. This is important to me (though not a deal breaker).

3. This isn't that important to me (I'm indifferent; it doesn't matter).

Use the following table to categorize the values in no particular order:

[TABLE OMITTED]

How Well Am I Honoring My Values?

Pick your top six or seven values from the previous chart and, in the table below, indicate how well you currently honour your top values.

1. What insights have you gained about yourself from doing this values clarification exercise?

2. In what way(s) does `values clarification' change the way you approach your work, family, life priorities?

3. Which of your values might shed light on any conflicts and/or tensions you feel in your current professional and/or personal environment? How might these conflicts be resolved?

4. Which of your "very" important values seem to be in conflict with each other?

Check-in

1. How many hours/ days did you commit to the program this week? How was the experience for you?

2. Did you answer all the questions and do all the exercises? What did you discover? How did it feel?

3. Did you have any "Aha!" moments this week? What were they?

4. What are you taking away from this week's lesson?

5. Have you taken any time just for you this week? What did you do? How did it make you feel?

Chapter Two

Week Two

Envision Your Ideal Life "The most pathetic person in the world is a person who has their sight but no vision." Helen Keller

R.E.I.N.V.E.N.T.

What is your ideal life?

Are you surrounded by loving and supportive people? Do you feel confident with the way that you look? Are you living your life with passion and purpose? You were put on this earth to serve others in a really big way. You have unique talents, abilities and gifts and it is your moral duty to share them with others. Are you?

If you're like many moms, you've buried your dreams under loads of laundry and dirty dishes; you've become consumed by all that motherhood entails and as a result your priorities might be out of whack. Many moms place more importance on finding the latest gadget to warm their baby's wipes, than they do on finding something that warms their own hearts.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear. Being a mom is the most important role you'll ever have and it should be taken seriously. However, when your sense of self is entirely based on this role and you sacrifice your happiness to continuously give to others, you lose your essence—the spark that feeds your soul and ignites the spirit. When you are on an airplane, there's a reason you are instructed to place the oxygen mask on yourself first. You need the vigor and vitality to be able to properly take care of the people you love most. And you get this energy by living an inspired life.

For many of us, our dreams were squashed long before we became mothers. I had one client who always wanted to be an artist. I could hear the passion and excitement when she spoke about it. But the reason she settled for a job in the corporate world was because she kept hearing her father's voice telling her that she needed to get a "real job." After discussing her different options, she didn't feel ready to walk away from her career. Instead, she chose to feed her passion by turning her spare room into an art studio and taking up painting as a hobby.

I heard from another mom who always dreamt of travelling the world and exploring other cultures. She got married in her early 20s and felt the pressure from her parents and other married friends to start a family right away. For a long time she felt as if her only hope of exploring other cultures was to visit the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney World. Since working with me, she has become a travel agent. Now every year her family goes on vacation to a new destination. She even told me that her passion has rubbed off on her son and he too has the travel bug. No matter what the story, many moms feel lost and don't know how to find themselves.

Can you relate?

You're more than just someone's mom and you have the right to be happy and live an inspired life. It doesn't matter if your kids are still in diapers or if they're learning to drive. You have to stop making the excuse that it's not the right time. You have to wake up and start paying attention to your life now!

Start by quieting your mind. This is no easy feat. When I tried this at first, I used to toss and turn so much at night thinking and worrying about my life. Because my mind was working overtime, trying to control, plan and figure things out, I drowned out the answers that were already within me.

We are all born with intuition. No matter if you call it an "inner voice," a "gut feeling" or simply a "knowing"—it is your guide and it always has your best interests at heart. However, many of us are so busy trying to control the uncontrollable and looking outside of ourselves for the guidance and answers that we ignore the voice within, for fear of taking a risk or stepping too far outside our comfort zone. Instead of trusting that gut feeling, we get caught up listening to our head (or our ego) and as a result, wind up in situations that aren't always what we truly desire.

I worked with a mom who knew with every fibre of her being that she wasn't in a healthy, supportive relationship with her husband. And yet she decided to stay because her head convinced her that it was too scary and risky to leave. She also hated the idea of "breaking up" her family. While it wasn't my job to convince her to stay or go, I did express to her that as hard and uncomfortable as her situation may be, using her heart and her inner voice as her guide rather than her head, would provide her with much more clarity. It took her a long time and a tremendous amount of courage to get to a place where she was tired of futilely chasing love and approval from her husband. She realized that she needed to find it within herself. She is now divorced and spending time rediscovering her true self.

Put your thoughts on paper

In an effort to get out of my head, and find some clarity of my own, I started to journal. I used to feel intimidated by the idea because I didn't know what to write or how long I should write for. I finally decided that none of that really mattered. I just needed a place to get my thoughts, fears, worries and insecurities out of my system. After writing my first journal entry, I instantly felt lighter and I remember having a really good sleep that night. My mind began to feel clearer and I felt as if I was starting to get my sanity back.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Balance the Mother Loadby Carly Cooper Copyright © 2012 by Carly Cooper. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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