There are two common parenting styles with defined negative effects at two extremes: rigid and chaotic. Rigid parenting involves excessive rules, narrow expectations from parents for their children, and unreasonable punishments. Children raised in these conditions become adults who frequently suffer from anxiety, OCD, and perfectionism. They are often defensive and reactive, seeking out acceptance and approval from others In contrast, chaotic parenting offers few to no rules, allowing children to do whatever they want without boundaries or consequences and failing to help them discover their strengths and capabilities. These children become adults who have identity issues, codependency, and poor boundaries. Their relationships often focus on becoming what they think others want them to be. By uncovering what kind of parenting you received, you can better understand who you are and why you do the things you do and be able to determine what changes you would like to make. Becoming a healthy person is about being the person God intended you to be. This guide can help you take the steps necessary to becoming that person.
How You Became You (And Why You Do the Things You Do)
How Abusive Parenting Styles Debilitate ChildrenBy Judy R. De WitiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2012 Judy R. De Wit
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4759-2677-4Contents
Acknowledgments...............................................................viiNote from the Author..........................................................ixIntroduction..................................................................xiPart 1 Rigid Parenting Style..................................................1Chapter 1 Growing Up under Rigid Parenting....................................3Chapter 2 What the Rigid Parenting Approach Looks Like........................7Chapter 3 The Effects of Rigid Parenting......................................15Chapter 4 Stories of Rigid Parenting Approach.................................25Part 2 Chaotic Parenting Style................................................31Chapter 5 Growing Up under Chaotic Parenting..................................33Chapter 6 What the Chaotic Parenting Approach Looks Like......................37Chapter 7 The Effects of Chaotic Parenting....................................43Chapter 8 Stories of Chaotic Parenting Approach...............................51Part 3 Healthy Parenting Style................................................57Chapter 9 Growing Up with Healthy Parenting...................................59Chapter 10 What the Healthy Parenting Approach Looks Like.....................61Chapter 11 The Effects of Healthy Parenting...................................71Chapter 12 Stories of Healthy Parenting Approach..............................81Conclusion....................................................................87Chapter 13 How You Became You.................................................89References....................................................................95
Chapter One
Growing Up under Rigid Parenting
Honor your father and your mother. –Eph. 6:2
She was depressed and anxious and was now in tears.
Confronted by her therapist to speak the truth, Lou fell silent. All along she had struggled inside about whether to tell her therapist her real thoughts and feelings about her parents and her growing-up years. She had never told others or admitted to herself what those years were about because she was taught that speaking badly about her parents was disrespectful to them. Until now.
There were many rules. There were rules about her dress, rules about her behavior, rules about how to behave, rules about respecting authority, and rules about what to say and not say. There were rules about what she could and couldn't do on Sunday, rules about obeying her Sunday school teacher, and rules about what God wanted little girls to be like. There were rules about cleaning her room, doing the dishes, and how best to vacuum the living room. She was expected to clean out the garage on Saturday, help her dad with the lawn in the summer, and babysit her sister when her mom and dad were gone. Sadly, all she could remember was that there were a lot of rules.
Her dad and mom were strict. There were punishments and scoldings when she didn't do as she was told. She remembered having to stay in her room for the day because she forgot to feed the dog. Another time her dad made her rewash all the dishes because one of them wasn't clean enough. Once when her bed wasn't made up right, her mom removed the bed from her room for the night. She slept on the floor instead.
There were punishments. She and her brothers were beaten and hit with a stick or a belt. She had bruises on her legs and her brothers had bruises on their arms. She feared that if her dad became angry, he would throw something at her. If she was bad, she knew that if her mom reported to her dad what had happened, things would be even worse when he got home.
She remembered her parents calling her names—like stupid, lazy, and moron. If she did something wrong, her mom would tell her grandma and then her grandpa and grandma would also discipline her and make fun of her for what she'd done.
Then there was school. Lou's parents expected As. Lou said that if she got a B on her report card, she was grounded for a week. She worked hard at learning how to play the clarinet, but her dad and mom said it wasn't good enough. She remembered giving a speech for a speech contest. Later, her dad made fun of her and told her that she shouldn't ever give speeches again. She went to her room and cried. A short time later, Lou's dad came into her bedroom and told her to stop crying like a baby.
When she was old enough to date, her boyfriends were never good enough for her dad. He was critical of them and said they were dumb and worthless. Lou and her dad often ended up fighting over the boys she dated. As time went along, Lou learned how to work around her dad. She did late-night sneak-outs or said she was going over to a friend's house when her dad asked where she was going. She was tired of his rules and was determined to do the things she wanted to do.
Lou was pregnant at age seventeen. Her dad and mom were furious when she told them. Hurt by the way they responded, she left to live with her boyfriend. She managed to balance having a baby and going to school. Eventually she married the child's father.
Things were never good enough for Lou's parents. It was never right. However hard she tried to be perfect, it wasn't good enough. And her parents made sure Lou knew that.
As she finished up the session, her face was wet with tears. For the first time in her life, she was honest with herself. She felt like a burden was lifted, and she realized how much her past had hurt her. When exiting the room, she turned to her therapist and said, "I cannot honor my father and my mother without first being honest with God and myself about what my childhood was like."
Chapter Two
What the Rigid Parenting Approach Looks Like
Fathers, do not embitter your children. –Col. 3:21
What is rigid parenting?
Rigid parenting is a parenting style that is driven by excessive rules and the use of anger to control and belittle children. Parents who practice this style of parenting demand perfection from their children, send messages that they don't measure up, and use high levels of criticism.
What does rigid parenting look like?
"It's never good enough." That is what rigid parenting is based on. Characteristics of rigid parents include
• blame;
• shame;
• guilt;
• anger;
• undermining decisions;
• narrow expectations/rigid boundaries;
• telling children how to think and feel;
• criticizing appearances;
• conditional love;
• threats;
• possessiveness and jealousy of children;
• the "know-it-all" syndrome;
• withholding acceptance and approval;
• creating a false self;
• physical and emotional abuse.
Let's take a closer look at rigid parenting.
Blame
Controlling parents blame. They blame their children or anyone else that is nearby for things that go wrong, even when it's not their fault. In the context of the family, these parents use statements such as "You weren't thinking," "You should have," "You never," and "You always." Children receiving the blame for things they didn't do come to believe it is their fault. And then they come to believe they are the problem.
Shame
When parents shame their children, they give messages to the children that they are bad, will never measure up, and aren't good enough. Through words and body language, they communicate to their children that they are lesser, defective, and will never amount to anything.
Shame is directed at the personhood of a child—not at what the child does. An example of shame would be when a parent tells their children that they are "stupid at math." Calling a child stupid is saying to the child that he or she is bad, doesn't measure up, and will never amount to anything. It's an attack on the child's personhood. Van Vonderen (1989, p. 41) defines this sort of shame as messages given to family members that they are defective and inadequate. He says that over time, these messages become ingrained into the family member and drive him or her to find ways to prove he or she is good enough.
Guilt
Rigid parents use guilt to control their children. Guilt messages are when parents use "should have" or "could have" messages about what the child did. "You never help your grandma with the dishes" is a guilt statement. Phrases like "You could have studied longer for that test," used when the child already spent significant time on the material, are designed to produce guilt. "You read too much. You should burn those books" is an example of a guilt message.
Anger
Rigid parents exercise unhealthy control over their children, dictating to them what to do and what not to do. They refuse to give their children choices, and they bark out orders when things need to get done. They control using anger, yelling, name-calling, and the silent treatment so their kids do what they're told. Physical punishment is frequently used when kids misbehave.
Undermining decisions
Rigid parents undermine the decisions of their children. If a child decides to buy a new outfit, his or her parents say that he or she paid too much for it. If a child signs up for a class at school, the child's parents say it'll never work. If a child finds a job to earn a little money, rigid parents will find some problem with it. Rarely, if ever, is the decision right, according to rigid parents.
Narrow expectations
Rigid parents have a narrow definition of how things should be. They have rigid boundaries, making others' viewpoints and opinions unacceptable; their way of doing things is the only way. This causes children's emotions to be restricted because their thoughts, feelings, and perspectives are diminished and squelched. According to Laaser (2004, pp. 94–95), when there is rigidity in families, abuse occurs when the rigid boundaries are used in such a way that children are not affirmed, loved, or encouraged. This leads to feelings of emotional abandonment.
Telling children how to think and feel
Rigid parents tell their children how to think and feel. They tell them they shouldn't be mad, they shouldn't cry, or they shouldn't be sad. When tears surface, they shame their children into thinking they are babies for crying, they have to learn to suck it up and move on, and they should quit making such a big deal out of whatever is bothering them. They feel sad or hurt, but Dad says to forget about it. They cry because friends won't play with them, but their parents tell them to straighten up. Their dog dies and they miss it very much, but their parents say they are babies for crying.
Laaser (2004, p. 97) says that family abuse happens when adults tell their children that their feelings are bad. He calls this a kind of "mind rape." He stresses the importance of allowing feelings to be felt so that issues, such as grief over the loss of a loved one, can happen.
Appearances
Rigid parents are concerned about how they look to others. They insist that their children behave in certain ways in public so they will look good. This means they want their children to dress right, say the right things, and comply with what others How You Became You (And Why You Do the Things You Do) expect of them. Rigid parents get upset when their children share ideas that are different from the norm or express opposing positions on issues. It's an outright embarrassment if their teens get pregnant when not married, drink too much and get caught, or are arrested for shoplifting.
Conditional love
Rigid parents use conditional love. Conditional love is love that has to be earned. It is based on conditions. Children have to do certain things to earn the parents' love. It could be getting all As in school, doing certain chores around the house, or acting or behaving a certain way. However, rigid parents, because their love is conditional, withhold that love because whatever the children do is never good enough. They always find something wrong. For the children, this creates a tireless cycle of trying to get approval, but never getting it.
Threats
Rigid parents use threats to get their children to comply with their demands. These threats are unreasonable and confusing. They may threaten that the children will get no food for the day if they don't get better grades, or they'll have to live at the shelter if they don't behave. They may say things like, "The next time you show me an attitude, you're going to be locked in the garage."
Possessiveness and jealousy of children
Rigid parents are jealous parents. They get jealous when their children spend time with their friends. They want their children to stay at home with them, to stop calling or seeing their friends, and to be home to serve their parents. This possessiveness increases as children get older. Rigid parents want the attention of their children.
The "know-it-all" syndrome
Rigid parents are the "know-it-alls." They think they know everything on nearly every subject. Whether they actually read a book on a subject doesn't matter. How and what they think on an issue is what's right. They are the authorities on how to raise their own kids, how to raise other people's kids, and how to address issues at church. They are opinionated and narrow minded. Their know-it-all attitude prevents them from being teachable or from seeing another point of view.
Withholding acceptance and approval
Rigid parents want their kids to be perfect. Although the kids strive toward that expectation, they are never able to reach it. They are unable to reach it because whatever is done, it's never good enough. Because it isn't right or good enough, rigid parents withhold acceptance and approval from their children. Rigid parents do not compliment their children, affirm them, encourage them, or embrace them. They withhold approval because they lack resources within themselves to give it. They fear that complimenting their children will cause pride. They would rather take the chance of emotionally neglecting their children by not affirming or encouraging them than have to worry about them turning out to be proud.
Creating a false self
Children of rigid parenting are told what to do, how to think, and how to be. Opinions and self-expression are not allowed. Only what the parents think and feel has validity. Children are taught to keep their thoughts to themselves. What counts is what Dad and Mom think.
Physical and emotional abuse
Physical and emotional abuse typically accompany rigid parenting. Physical abuse can include excessive spankings, beating, and whippings. Rigid parents leave visible marks on their children, including bruises and welts. Physical abuse also leaves emotional marks on the children's hearts, creating fear, confusion, and loneliness. When physical abuse is used, the anger of the parents escalates to a point that it is out of control; it is more about the parents' insecurities and issues than about bad children. Rigid parents claim they use this kind of punishment because it was what their parents did to them, so it must be right and good. Physically abused family members fear for their physical safety (Laaser, 2004, p. 100).
Emotional abuse involves using words, body language, and any other communication style that belittles, shames, ridicules, and makes fun of another. In the context of rigid parenting, it is done to control the children. This control is unhealthy because it attacks and harms the personhood of the child. The child's very being is being destroyed instead of enhanced and encouraged. Children come to believe the shameful messages their parents give them. They then perceive themselves as worthless and hopeless.
Summary
Rigid parenting takes many forms. It includes using blame, shame, and guilt to control children. Rigid parents use anger in the form of yelling, name-calling, and silent treatments to force their children to comply with their demands. They undermine their children's ability to make decisions and tell them how to think and feel. Looking good to others is important and children have to earn their love. Rigid parents use threats and jealousy with their children, and they position themselves as the authorities in all things. They withhold acceptance and approval of their children. Rigid parenting can include emotional and physical abuse.
Chapter Three
The Effects of Rigid Parenting
Or they will become discouraged. –Col. 3:21
Anxiety
The overall effect of rigid parenting is anxiety. The children of rigid parents are anxious because of the excessive criticism, anger, demands, and control their parents used on them. They fear they will make a mistake, they fear they will be ridiculed and shamed by their parents when they do, and they worry about whether or not things are perfect. Anxiety dominates the lives of children who grow up with rigid parents.
Rigid parents themselves are an anxious people. They have the same anxiety issues as the children they are raising. They fear mistakes, they fear that things aren't perfect, and they feel worthless when they mess up.
But the drive to be perfect isn't all there is. Along with it, children of rigid parents are driven to have others accept and approve of them in a way that Mom and Dad never could. They may look to their supervisors, co-workers, friends, and church members to see if they are good enough and measure up. They excel at nearly everything and are seen as overachievers—all in the hope that someone will validate them as good enough.
How rigid parenting affects children
Effects of rigid parenting include
• feeling blame for nearly everything;
• feelings of shame and guilt;
• feelings of anger;
• loss of self-confidence;
• tendency to think and feel as they're told;
• OCD tendencies and worries about appearances;
• acceptance and approval issues;
• being defensive and reactive;
• possessiveness and jealousy;
• fears of doing something differently;
• becoming either overly compliant or rebellious;
• developing a false self;
• experiencing physical or emotional abuse.
Let's take a closer look.
Feeling blamed for nearly everything
When children are blamed for everything, typically two things can happen when they reach adulthood. Either the adult children will fight back when blamed again, or they will continue to believe that it really is their fault and they can't do anything right. The fighting back is done out of exhaustion at being hurt so many times. Taking the blame without a fight is how they have learned to carry a chip on their shoulder and take on the role of victim.
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Excerpted from How You Became You (And Why You Do the Things You Do)by Judy R. De Wit Copyright © 2012 by Judy R. De Wit. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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