Adopting a child can be an exciting and anxious time in prospective parents' lives. There are rooms to decorate and clothes and toys to buy. There are many preparations to make before welcoming the new arrival. In Before You Finalize the Adoption-The Pre-Adoption Workbook, author Joyce Vrooman provides advice and information for parents who are thinking about adopting a child.

Based on personal experience, Vrooman developed this workbook to guide parents through the adoption process to ensure they are knowledgeable and informed. In addition, Vrooman discusses information that parents need to know so the child will receive the proper counseling, therapy, medical treatments, or educational assistance.

Loaded with an array of helpful details, Before You Finalize the Adoption-The Pre-Adoption Workbook contains forms, checklists, worksheets, and questionnaires to help adoptive parents learn everything about their new child prior to the finalization of the adoption. All information pertaining to this child and their adoption is contained in one book.

BEFORE YOU FINALIZE THE ADOPTION

THE PRE-ADOPTION WORKBOOKBy JOYCE VROOMAN

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2009 Joyce Vrooman
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-595-45005-3

Contents

Preface............................................................................1Congratulations-You Are Going to Adopt a Child.....................................3Hindsight Is Twenty-Twenty.........................................................9FORMS TO BE FILLED OUT AND SIGNED BY CASEWORKERS...................................13Placement History..................................................................19Behavior Checklist.................................................................43Child's Background and History.....................................................65Therapy Questions..................................................................91Current and Past Medications.......................................................119CONSULTING AN ATTORNEY AND THERAPIST...............................................131Questions to Ask Your Prospective Therapist........................................133Arranging a Phone Interview or Face-to-Face Interview..............................137Questions to Ask Your Prospective Attorney.........................................141Preparing for Your Meeting with the Attorney.......................................145FOR YOUR RECORDS...................................................................149For Your Records...................................................................151State, County, and Agency Caseworker/Social Worker Information.....................153Therapists.........................................................................157Doctors............................................................................159Growth Chart.......................................................................165School History.....................................................................167Caseworker/Social Worker Visits....................................................169Incidents..........................................................................185List of Symptoms and Diagnoses.....................................................199Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).................................................203Conduct Disorder (CD)..............................................................211Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and...............................................213Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)................................................217OUR STORY..........................................................................219The Truth about Adoption Assistance................................................227Adoption Set-Aside.................................................................233The Effects on Marriage, Family, and Friends.......................................241In Conclusion......................................................................247Recommended Reading................................................................253Bibliography.......................................................................255

Chapter One

Congratulations- You Are Going to Adopt a Child

You are in the beginning stages of adoption. It is exciting. You are anxious and entering unknown territory. You've read books on adoption. You've talked to social workers and case workers about adoption. You've taken the required classes for the adoption. You've filled out tons and tons of paperwork. You've decorated the child's room and put up cute posters. You've bought the smoke detectors and fire extinguishers, just like they told you to, and now have your home ready for your child to arrive.

But ... do you know everything about this child?

Have you ever considered that all adoptions are based on a negative situation for a baby, or a child, or a teenager? Every adopted child, whether older or a newborn, is from a tragic situation, such as unwanted pregnancy, drug or alcohol abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, child abandonment, neglect, parental death, etc. Being removed from one's mother is a bad situation that most children cannot recover from.

It's not the child's fault. The child is a victim of circumstances that happened in the first few months and years of life. It is critical for you to be knowledgeable of the child's history. This workbook is divided into sections of information that are essential for the sake of the child and your family. When you are getting ready to finalize your adoption, there are several areas in which you want to make sure you have information about your child. Do not assume that you know everything about your child and that you don't need this information. This is information that you will need for medical questionnaires, school forms, etc.

The first forms are for Placement History. It is important to get your child's placement history so you know you have received all of the reports for this child. Once you have the placement history, it is much easier to cross-reference the reports that you have and create a timeline of the child's history. Make sure there is not a gap in the placement dates, not even one day. One missed placement report could contain critical information that is needed for an accurate review of information.

Next is a Behavior Checklist. This is a series of questions that appear on most questionnaires at therapy or counseling sessions. Not having the answers to these questions could cause a loss in critical therapy time.

Child's Background and History is the next section. It is essential that you have complete background information on the birth parents and the child you are going to adopt.

All of these forms contain the information you will need for medical needs, school placement, and pre-adoption consultations with therapists, doctors, and attorneys. In addition, your child might like to have the information when he is older and has questions about his adoption.

The files that the caseworkers have on this child contain the information that is needed to fill out the questionnaires. Have the caseworkers go over the forms and fill them out for you. Get that information ahead of time from the caseworkers so you can get the correct help for your child. You could be wasting valuable time if you don't have the information. Some disorders are treatable and controllable if dealt with early on. However, if the disorder goes untreated for an extended period of time it can intensify to the point of no return (Magid & McKelvey 1989). Insist that the caseworkers give you this information so that you can get the proper treatment for your child.

You may feel like you know the child and you are aware of his behavior, so you don't need the caseworkers to give you this information. However, there is a honeymoon period when everyone is on their best behavior (Thomas 2005). A lot of older children have learned how to "play the game" and "be good." Once the child starts to feel comfortable or at home, behaviors start to come out (Cline & Helding 1999).

Make sure you go over and check that every single section is complete. Don't skip anything. Never assume that some of these areas or questions might not relate to your child. Every single page is critical in helping you to be able to make an informed and appropriate decision on this adoption. It might seem like these questions are duplicated, but each question on each form has a specific purpose. History gives the best idea of how to treat the child (Cline 1979).

My goal is to make sure you are 100 percent informed and knowledgeable when you sign your adoption papers. Attachment issues are unique and need proper intervention by someone who is trained to meet the special needs of the child. (Mansfield & Waldman 1994). Older children are often adopted into families that don't completely understand or expect their problems (McCreight 2002). Unfortunately, if you get this information after the adoption is final, it's too late. There is no getting out of the adoption then. You have lost the opportunity to decide if you want to take on this child's challenges and special needs. In addition, that lack of knowledge could be very dangerous to you, your family, your friends, your pets, your neighborhood, and your adoptive child.

The purpose of this book is to educate and inform parents who are considering adoption of an older child (any child over one month old). Every potential adoptive family needs to be informed about the child's history and what effect it will have on the child and the family (Verrier 1993).

This child can have many problems that started long before you receive him or even before the child has entered the system. According to a 2001 report from the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) Foster Care Mental Health Values Subcommittee, "over 500,000 children reside in foster care in the United States, and 85% of them are estimated to have an emotional disorder." Throughout America, disturbed children are now placed in families, children who in the past would have been raised in group homes, residential treatment homes, and even psychiatric hospitals (Cline & Helding 1999). Prior to adoption, some of the symptoms of these problems may be occurring. Unfortunately, these conditions can be so severe that no matter how much you love your chosen child, he will never be "normal" (Cline 1979). It has become more recognized that the older the child is when placed for adoption, the more difficult it is for the child to attach and bond to his new parents (McCreight 2002).

I recommend that you be a foster parent to your child for at least three years before adopting. Observe all of the child's actions and document everything. Review your observations and notes with an independent psychologist or psychiatrist. This should be a professional who is not associated with social services or your adoption agency. Make sure that this therapist is an expert in reactive attachment disorder (RAD) (Thomas 2005). The wrong therapist can quickly make problems worse (Cline & Helding 1999). Ask these therapists for the pros and cons on this child's behaviors.

Also retain an adoption attorney. Have the attorney review the therapist's recommendations and go over the completed forms in this book.

Then adopt if these professionals feel it is okay, and when you feel it is the right decision.

Knowledge is power. Make sure you are the one with the power. And always remember to follow your gut feelings.

Chapter Two

Hindsight Is Twenty-Twenty

If only we had received all of the information on our child.

If only we had been given the correct diagnosis on our child.

If only we had been told how to correctly handle our special needs child.

How would our child's future have been different?

Now, years later, we find out the truth of our child's past. The facts about the various medications that he had been given have been released. We discovered our child had a known mental disorder that was not disclosed to us. We have now learned that we did everything wrong. This poor child had a family who adopted him with the very best intentions. Sadly, because the child's records were withheld, we were ill prepared for his special needs. Because of the child's undisclosed history, we have found out we were not the best solution for him.

We were unable, untrained, uneducated, uninformed, and misled. Because we were not knowledgeable nor prepared, we did more harm than good to this child. Common parenting practices work for most children, most of the time. However, when you are dealing with a child who has suffered early mental and/or physical trauma, the normal methods just don't work (Cline & Helding 1999). We were told we were getting a kitten that was actually a Pit Bull with a history of violent and dangerous behaviors (see "Our Story").

There are many books out there that talk about the joys of adoption. They tell stories that end with "and they lived happily ever after." I have decided to be honest about the fact that along with the joy there is also the possibility of heartbreak and hardship. I want you to be aware that there are many hundreds of children who honestly will never be able to give you the expected rewards of parenthood; children who are unable to return affection. These are children who in the past would have been cared for by highly trained and highly paid professionals. These children are now being given to untrained parents (Cline & Helding 1999). There are hundreds of children that are considered "special needs" in the adoption world of today.

The Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 mandates that adoption be the ultimate goal of every child in foster placement. To motivate states to achieve that goal, the Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 authorizes an adoption incentive program that pays a bonus to each state in which adoptions of foster children are higher than the previous fiscal year's number of adoptions. For each child above the previous year's average a bonus of four thousand dollars will be paid to the state. In addition, six thousand dollars will be paid for each child who is considered a special needs child. Time and again the caseworkers, social workers, counties, and states are more interested in monetary gains and public opinions than they are in the emotional and psychological state of the child (Verrier 1993).

This is a workbook designed to help you through the adoption. There are many things about this child that you need to know and be aware of so that the child will receive the proper counseling, therapy, medical treatments, and/or educational help necessary.

This is why it is so critical that you delay finalization of the adoption until you are completely informed of your child's history. Put off the adoption until you have a trained attachment disorder therapist look over your child's history. Some of these children are so damaged by their pasts that they have little or nothing to give back to a family. Some are so damaged that a cure is impossible (Cline & Helding 1999). Wait to finalize the adoption until you have consulted a physician. Wait to finalize the adoption until an attorney has looked over all of your paperwork.

You want to be prepared.

You want to be informed and knowledgeable.

You want to be the best thing for your chosen child.

Chapter Three

FORMS TO BE FILLED OUT AND SIGNED BY CASEWORKERS BEFORE YOU FINALIZE THE ADOPTION

FORMS TO BE FILLED OUT AND SIGNED BY CASEWORKERS

The following are forms that you need the adoption caseworker and/or the county social worker to fill out and sign, before you finalize the adoption.

Older children in foster care are stuck with feelings of self-doubt, unworthiness, self-loathing, anger, depression, etc. These are substantial and significant factors in the child's life (McCreight 2002). This affects the child in some way, whether the trauma was prenatal or postnatal (Verrier 1993).

You may feel that your child is too young to be affected. You may feel that your child is stronger than other children. You may feel that you can handle the problems that come up and that you don't need to know about them now. You may feel that if you just don't tell your child the circumstances for the adoption everything will be all right.

Don't believe that a good, stable home and love can make up for the maltreatment and neglect of early childhood. Stability and love are not enough. Raising special needs children, children with attachment issues, requires skills that are above and beyond normal parenting (Cline & Helding 1999).

Some of these children have very severe problems and should not be adopted unless you are trained in dealing with these disorders. (Thomas 2005). You need to know this. If these agencies are telling you the truth, the whole truth about your child, then they will not hesitate to fill out and sign the forms in this workbook. They will be happy to make sure you are completely informed.

You are entitled to the complete truth about the child you are bringing into your family. Omission of information is a common practice in the adoption world. The only way to get the complete truth is by seeking it out and requiring your caseworkers to give it to you. Do not allow them to answer, "I don't know." If they don't know, then they need to get the answers.

After the caseworkers have completed these forms, you need to have a professional go over them with you. A licensed and trained therapist needs to let you know what you are going to be facing in the future. Make sure the therapist is knowledgeable and trained in reactive attachment disorder (RAD). RAD is a fairly new diagnosis (within the last twenty years). Finding someone who is knowledgeable in RAD might take some doing, but it is essential (Thomas, 2005).

I also recommend that you have a physician and attorney look over these papers. You want to make sure all avenues have been explored before the adoption is final.

Placement History

The purpose for getting all of your child's placement history is to know that you have received all of the reports for this child. Various placements will have incident reports or caretaker comments that could indicate the behaviors of the child. The state, county, and caseworkers know about the various placements and have a list. Once you have the placement history, it is much easier to cross-reference the reports that you have and create a timeline of the child's history. Make sure there is not a gap in the placement dates, not even one day. One missed placement report could contain critical information that is needed for an accurate review of information.

Feel free to make more copies of this form as you need. I have included several copies since most older children have had multiple placements.

I have also included a sample form at the end of this section to help you make sure yours is filled out properly. The questions are pretty routine, but I have included an explanation for each of the questions.

Name of the Child (your chosen child):

Date of Initial Removal (when your child was first placed in the system):

Reason for Initial Removal (why the child was taken from his home):

Name of Placement (name of group home or foster home and the agency):

Date of Placement (date of group home or foster home placement):

Date Placement Terminated (date the child was removed from this placement):

Reason Placement Terminated (why the child was removed from this home):

Placement History

Child's Name: _________________________________________________________________ Date of Initial Removal: ______________________________________________________ Reason for Initial Removal: ___________________________________________________ Name of Placement/Agency: _____________________________________________________ Date of Placement: ___________________ Date Placement Terminated: ____________________________________________________ Reason Placement Terminated: __________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________

The adoptive parents have been provided with ALL incident reports, medical reports, psychological reports, school reports, foster family agency reports, social services reports, caregiver reports, court reports, and worker's notes from this placement. These reports may include the names of other minors, but their names have been omitted or blacked out to protect the minor's privacy and are thus eligible for inclusion in the placement history.

_____________________ Caseworker's Initials

__________________________________________________________ Adoptions Caseworker (sign and print name) Date

__________________________________________________________ Agency

Placement # _______________ of ______________ placements

(Continues...)

Excerpted from BEFORE YOU FINALIZE THE ADOPTIONby JOYCE VROOMAN Copyright © 2009 by Joyce Vrooman. Excerpted by permission.
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