CHAPTER 1
The Gang's All Here
A cold rain falls heavily on Berkeley at the end of February. Dark,moisture-filled clouds loom overhead as an unending torrent of large dropsshakes evergreens and fills rain gutters. The loud clatter on rooftops and fullpuddles in pot-holed streets force most inside. To the south over Hayward,beyond large, dark clouds, daylight can be seen. On Durant, a block awayfrom the university, Hamilton House is shuttered tight, and the commondriveway with Mayor Sain's old Craftsman has a steady stream runningdownhill toward the street. Bessie, the mayor's seventy-year-old motherrecovering from experimental surgery that gave her parts of the mayor's andher grandson Michael's livers, stands at the stove, making breakfast for theboarders who haven't started the day yet. Pregnant lesbians Stephanie—latetwenties, shapely—and Judy—twenties, heavyset—wait at the block, anoversized cutting board serving as a table for twelve.
"You lesbians looking for a place to move today in this fucking monsoon?I got your door fixed after the FBI broke it down looking for the whacker,Ainsley Bassette."
"We are," Stephanie says. "And thanks for fixing the door. What everhappened to that guy anyhow?"
"Don't know and don't care. I never want to see him again. He mightpoint his dick at me, and who knows where it's been. Ainsley Bassette—oneof a kind!" Bessie says.
"He did save your life," Judy says.
"On a cell phone from the inside of a trash bin while a real surgeon didthe work."
The kitchen door opens and Jack R. Abbott—fifty, scraggly beard, thin,wearing holey green tennis shoes and baggy walking shorts—and middle-agedDoreen—African American, bosomy—walk in.
"The interview on yet?" Jack R. Abbott says.
"Get your butts in here!" Bessie yells. "The show will start pretty soon.You leave that smelly bulldog in your apartment?"
"No," Jack R. Abbott says. "I tied him up to the tree by Trojan'sgrave."
"One good thing about this fucking rain, I guess," Bessie says. "Hissmell has disappeared."
"He got off a good one a while ago, on the way over," Jack R. Abbottsays. "A gull tried to grab a piece of muffin I threw him at Bel Fornos so heblasted a foul one. The wind and rain took care of it."
"Doreen," Bessie says, "I thought you were going to do something aboutthat dog's butt. Didn't they teach you that in vet school?"
"To fix Winston's problem I'd have to clean out his whole insides, allthe way to his two buck teeth," Doreen says.
"Just like my naked-ass commie son—full of shit up to his eyebrows!"Bessie says.
"How's your son's liver?" Doreen asks.
"Liver?" Bessie snarls. "He's gone way past worrying about his liver,unless you call that dangler hanging in front of him his liver."
"Is he ready for the interview?" Jack R. Abbott says. "I tried to writehim a few lines but didn't finish."
"Add them to your piles of unfinished books and scripts," Bessie says."He'd probably forget them anyhow."
Jamal—African American, seventeen, buff—walks down the stairs,trying to wake up.
"Get your black ass over here," Bessie yells. "Eat some food before yourfather, Willie the leach, arrives and there's nothing left."
The kitchen door opens and Willie Williams—African American, fifty,slightly paunchy—walks in wearing his Berkeley police uniform.
"Am I too late?" he says, looking at the food Bessie has placed on thetable.
"Speaking of the devil," Bessie says. "Never missed a meal here sincehigh school. Glad I got extra this morning, with the others in Virginia Citywaiting to be interviewed."
"Where?" Jamal asks.
"Virginia City is in Nevada," Jack R. Abbot says. "It's where my idolMark Twain worked on a newspaper and wrote novels."
"It's where Asia was born and worked as a whore before she shot thatbastard Johnny Blood's pecker off and came to Berkeley," Bessie says. "WishI could have been there to pull the trigger myself."
"Miss Asia a murderer?" Jack R. Abbott says. "She doesn't look thetype."
"And what type is that?" Doreen says, leaning into Jack R. Abbott'sshoulder. "You never got past looking at her tits."
"What color are her eyes?" Bessie asks.
"Asia has eyes?" Jack R. Abbott says.
The kitchen door opens again and Jefferson—fifty, bearded—andSylvia—fifty, long gray hair, stoned—walk in.
"The show hasn't started yet," Bessie says. "Sit down and have somebreakfast. Shoulda had Jamal's girlfriend Jazzleen here to help me cook.You're all putting a strain on my new liver."
"Yours is the best food I've ever had," stoned Sylvia slurs.
"Anyone want weed" Jefferson asks. "Harvested a new crop this morningand the mayor's not here to scoop it up."
A sudden, ghastly odor creeps through the cracks in the door.
"Shit!" Jack R. Abbott says. "The rain has stopped and Winston hasfired one off."
"Can't you take him downwind and tie him to a parking meter orsomething?" Bessie says. "The quacks won't let me have any Jack for a couplemore weeks to deaden my nostrils."
"I'll take care of it," Jefferson says. "The smell of skunk will cut Winston'shandiwork. You want to join me, Jack?"
"Shit!" Bessie says. "Nothing like having the whole gang around! All Ineed now is Ainsley Bassette and my naked-ass commie son here, and mymorning would be complete. Thank God for little favors."
"How many Virginia City bordellos you think the mayor has visited?"Willie asks Jack R. Abbott. "One, two, three?"
"All of them," Bessie says. "He's Johnny Blood's son, isn't he?"
* * *
It is a bright, clear, and crisp morning in Virginia City, four hours eastof Berkeley. The roads from Nevada's capital, Carson City, and Reno arebumper-to-bumper as the curious try to enter the Old West town to witnessthe scene of the "crime of the century," as it has been labeled by internationalmedia. The murder of Johnny Blood, the father of mR. bERZERKELEY,by his daughter the whore has grabbed the public, the airways, and theInternet.
Asia—a Chinese and white mix, twenties, black hair, handcuffed anddressed in the orange jumpsuit of an inmate—sits in a hard chair insideMadame Bulette's Saloon. Her top three buttons are undone, exposingher bulging breasts. Her hair blows slightly from a floor fan. All the tablesand chairs have been moved in front of large windows overlooking lowerVirginia City, consisting of several closed mines and Six Mile Canyon. Theroom is crowded with men and women sitting on benches.
The wooden sidewalks outside the saloon and on both sides of C Streetare jammed with men and women trying to get a look at Virginia City'smost famous resident, Lily Liu Lu. Four news trucks with satellite boomsraised in the air are parked in a lot next to the Bucket of Blood saloon.Storey County sheriffs attempt to control the mass of motorcycles andautomobiles that have brought the main drag to a standstill.
Lady Gretchen—forties, big-boned, oversized breasts—Lily Liu Lu'sfriend and bordello associate, sits with her legs crossed ten feet away.Hamilton House boarders Josh, Sarah and Michael sit at the end of therow.
Bright lights and three television cameras are on and ready. Two youngmen and two young women, all wearing headsets, move impatiently, lookingat the front door and the glass windows jammed with the curious.
"Where is the son of a bitch?" one of the men yells into the microphonenext to his right cheek.
Outside a loud cheer can be heard over the motorcycles. Mayor Sain—fifty,gangly, black hair—sits on the back of a white stallion with his armsaround a gorgeous brunette wearing a cowgirl outfit, her breasts peekingthrough cut-out circles and shiny tassels dangling from her nipples. Hewaves with both arms as the horse weaves through the dense traffic andcrushing crowd. Two cowboys wearing red bandanas, black hats, and six-shootersraise their weapons and fire blanks in the air, parting the crowd.The crowd lets the horse through to the wooden sidewalk and the frontdoor. Mayor Sain slides off the back just before the horse lets loose a torrentof feces and piss.
"Guess that's appropriate," he says, stepping away from the splashingexcrement.
"mR. bERZERKELEY!" a young female holding a Sharpie yells as shepulls up her top. "Can you sign my tits?"
"Of course," Mayor Sain says, grabbing the pen. "And anything elseyou have in mind."
Uniformed Storey County Sheriff Salisbury—fifty, balding, paunchy,wearing a revolver and a belt with mace and a long baton—grabs MayorSain by the arm.
"You must go inside now, sir," he says with a firm voice as the crowdchants, "mR. bERZERKELEY! mR. bERZERKELEY!"
"I want him to sign me too," a middle-aged woman says, blocking thedoor while she holds her shirt up and exposes sagging breasts.
"On the way out," Sheriff Salisbury yells.
"They all love me," Mayor Sain says.
"That one won't get out of bed until she reads your cartoon. That's mywife, Ute."
Mayor Sain moves through the audience and sits up front next toAsia.
"Thanks for telling me where your place is, sister," he whispers to Asia."River Bottom Ranch—quite creative and appropriate."
"It's the least I could do for my half-bother," an unsmiling Asia says."Relatives are allowed only one freebie though."
"So many to do and so little time," Mayor Sain says.
"You would have made our father proud," Asia says.
The son of Lex Barker, of old time Tarzan and foreign movie fame,Alexander Barker—sixty, tall, wearing a toupee, international newspersonality—enters from across the room to a ripple of applause. Barkersits down and the last touches of makeup are applied to his tanned faceby a young, female assistant wearing skin tight jeans. He clears his throatand shuffles through papers. A tall, balding man wearing a headset holdsup fingers, signaling five, four, three, two, and one, before pointing atBarker.
"Miss Asia, or should I say Lily Liu Lu, and Mayor Sain, or shouldI say mR. bERZERKELEY, thank you for agreeing to this interview anhour before Judge Slaby holds a hearing on the murder of Johnny Bloodyour father. And, we want to thank the Storey County sheriff for allowingthis interview to be held in a famous saloon and not in the jail, so thatour viewers can get a taste of what the environment in which this murderoccurred looks and feels like. Miss Asia—"
"That's Ahh-cee-ahh," Asia says as she nods her head slightly.
Mayor Sain smiles.
"Let's get right to it. This bizarre case has drawn international attentionto this little, almost forgotten piece of American history. The murder ofJohnny Blood, the father of mR. bERZERKELEY, allegedly committedby a whore, a half-sister he didn't know he had who is also the daughter ofthe man she shot, has screenwriters scratching their heads and wishing theywould have come up with the story. People around the globe want to hearall the details you two are willing to reveal. Who are you? What happened?What have you been doing since the murder? And how did you feel, bothof you, when you found out your relationship? Can you tell us your storieson the record?" Barker asks.
"I'd be happy too, Mr. Barker," Asia says. "It will be my pleasure."
"Me too," Mayor Sain says, smiling at the young makeup girl standingto the side.
"After a break we will get right into the murder of Johnny Blood,"Barker says.
The makeup girl swaggers to the newsman and touches up his sweatingface. A man holds up a digital board with time backing down from oneminute.
"This is so neat," naïve, Kansas-born, freshman Sarah whispers, herblonde hair hanging over her large breasts. "I'm so glad I dropped out ofthe marine program so I could come with you."
"So am I," twenty-three year-old Josh says leaning into Sarah, musclesrippling through his tee shirt. "This is gonna give Michael and me enoughcartoon material for at least a year."
"At least," Michael, the mayor and Vice-Chancellor Kris's son out ofwedlock, says, scratching where an ear should be on the side of his face."Maybe even enough to start a new one."
"Tell us about yourself, Miss Asia—or Lily Liu Lu. What would youlike me to call you?"
"I am Asia. From the moment I shot the dick off Johnny Blood and putone between his eyes, he died and so did Lily Liu Lu."
"I guess they'll blip the part about his privates," Barker says as he laughsalong with the audience.
"Every time I hear that, I have to cross my legs," Mayor Sain says.
"I was thinking the same thing," Barker says. "I'll bet there are a lot ofcrossed legs around the globe."
The sound of feet shifting on the wood floor can be heard.
"I understand you are the daughter of a prostitute," Barker says.
"Yes. My mother gave birth to me early after Johnny Blood beat her fortelling him he was my father."
"Johnny Blood beat her to death?"
"Yes. He was convicted and sent to Lovelock."
"After your birth, who took care of you?"
"I was raised by the girls and the madam and grew up in thebusiness."
"Tell us about growing up in the business," Barker says.
"When I was young I brought drinks, food, and condoms to the roomsand swept floors and basically helped everyone. When I started to develop,the girls dressed me in a little red outfit with gold tassels. I would enticethe men and the girls would take care of the fucking. It wasn't long untilI was also fucking and became the most desired whore at the ranch. I wasmaking more money than most of them combined."
"You are going to drive the censors crazy," Barker says.
"Sorry."
"How old were you when you started, you know?"
"I had my first john at thirteen, and who knows how many afterthat."
"Thirteen? Isn't that against the law?" Barker asks.
"I developed rather fast, especially on top, and age didn't seem tomatter. I looked and acted the part I was born for," Asia says.
"What about Johnny Blood?"
"For years I heard how he beat my mother and other girls at RiverBottom and the other places. I swore I would get revenge if he ever cameback, and I knew he would."
"So he came back and you shot him?"
"One night this staggering, unshaven, derelict of a man dressed intattered clothes came into the parlor. I thought it might be him but wasn'tsure. One of the girls—Lady Gretchen over there—said it was. A couple ofthe others verified it was Johnny Blood, the man who killed my mother."
One camera focuses on Lady Gretchen sitting in the audience, listeningintently.
"He knew he wanted me and so did I. He took care of the prelims withthe madam while I went to my room. It wasn't long until the door opened.There he was, naked as a jaybird, pouring beer on my red velvet carpet. Hecalled me a couple of names, chastised my mother, and said he was goingto teach me how to fuck—"
"There goes that blip again," Barker says.
"I took a pistol from under my pillow and pointed it at him with bothhands. He threatened me and said I didn't have the courage to shoot him.That's when I lowered my sights and shot off his dick. I fired another one,trying to pick off one of his balls, but his bloody hands covered them up.He fell to his knees and looked at me with anger and fire in his eyes. I lethim have it just above his eyebrows, and he fell dead."
"Whew!"
"I realized I had to escape, so I climbed out a window, got in my car,and drove away," Asia says.
"This man you shot, Johnny Blood, was allegedly your father. Didn'tthat disturb you? Didn't you feel any remorse?" Barker asks.
"He was a drunk, the worst kind of drunk, and killed my mother. Hewould have probably killed me. I felt relieved. My life as Lily Liu Lu hadcome to an end. I was looking forward to a new beginning."
"How did you end up in Berkeley?"
"I had been studying and completing online courses for a couple ofyears. I snuck away from the ranch and finished several classes. After I tookthe SATs and ACTs, I was offered scholarships at several universities. I heardabout the Bay Area and San Francisco. Berkeley just seemed the naturalplace for me to be."
"How did you end up with mR. bERZERKELEY here?" Barker asks.
"After I finished my degree I wanted to stay and pursue a PhD. Ilove science, and there is no better place to be a part of cutting-edgeexperimentation. I lost my apartment and needed a place to stay. Mayor Sainhere knows everybody and everything, so I asked him during a parade."
"A parade?"
"He's the leader of the naked people, and they were marching in the'How Berkeley Can You Be' parade. I joined them, and they let me moveinto Hamilton House where most of them live."
"Paraded naked?" Barker asks.
"Of course," Asia says.
"Is Hamilton House some sort of commune?"
