Soldiers and Their Families in Our Midst: Who Are These People?

Love your neighbor as yourself. —Matthew 22:39

Janice sat quietly in the back of the church, her head bowed and hands clasped. She tried to focus on Pastor Jim's Memorial Day sermon about remembrance, but it was difficult to do. As she peered out over the congregants, she wondered, "How many besides me in this church have been touched by war?" She already knew of some. She glanced over at Mrs. McGonagall. Her first husband had been killed in the Korean War and as a young bride she had grieved for the lifelong marriage she would never have. Janice saw two high school boys sitting near the front of the church between their grandparents. Their mother and father were both deployed to Iraq, and they were now being raised by their grandparents, who long ago thought they were through raising kids. In the pew across the aisle sat Lisa, whose husband, Bill, had gone to Vietnam right out of high school. Bill came back wounded and confused. They had tried to rebuild their life together but it did not work. Eventually they divorced and went their separate ways.

Janice closed her eyes tight and thought of her own circumstance. Her son, Tim, had returned home from a sixteen-month tour in Afghanistan more than ten months ago. Tim's wife, Cindy, and their three young children had been anxious to get him home safe and sound. She had helped them prepare for the homecoming. They had purchased balloons and ribbons and invited family and friends to welcome him back. The children had on hero T-shirts and the tables were laden with food. But 12/6/2010it had gone off wrong from the beginning. Tim sat in a corner of the room and ate little food. He shrugged off most questions and escaped to his bedroom as soon as he could. Janice was sure it had to do with exhaustion and was confident things would get better soon.

But they had not gotten better; in fact, they had gotten worse. Tim seemed to be in a fog. He rarely talked, and when he did, it was usually to berate one of their children. He had trouble sleeping and seemed incapable of making even a small decision. He did go back to work, but that took up most of his energy. The only time he seemed energized was when he was with one of his fellow soldiers. But that lasted only as long as the visit. And then he was back to his withdrawn self.

Janice was unsure what to do. As a Christian she looked to her church for guidance and support. But did her church understand the issues facing military families? Could she go to Pastor Jim and ask him for help? And what type of help could he give? And what about Tim? Would he be willing to seek out help? And how would the church know what type of help they could offer Tim or any military family?

Janice tried to educate others on the struggles facing military families, but she soon came to realize that specific information about who service members are, why they join the military service, and the struggles they face are often met with misinformation and outright guesses. Many people listened to her but still asked the question, And who are these people?

Who are these people? can often be followed up with a silent question, And why should we care? Why should Americans care about soldiers and their families? And specifically why should church people care about them? Military service members make up less than one-half of 1 percent of our population. In most communities this translates into very few service members attending our churches.

And yet soldiers are our neighbors, even though many of us see military families as a subculture with whom we have little connection or interest in becoming acquainted. Jesus' parable of the good Samaritan, found in Luke 10:30-37, talks about a man on a journey who was accosted by thieves, beaten, robbed, and left for dead. In the narrative one person after another passed him without helping him, either being too busy to stop or fearful of what obligations would be involved if they did stop. It wasn't that they did not love their neighbors—just not this neighbor, this person they did not know or understand.

The Samaritan, in contrast, stopped and helped the wounded man. Confronted with need, this man opened himself up to helping someone whom he did not know and who was different from himself. In the end he went to great lengths and expense to help someone in need.

Helmut Thielike, a German Lutheran theologian, in his book The Waiting Father reminds us that the essence of this parable is that "our neighbor chooses us" (not that we choose our neighbors) as he or she lies beaten and broken and in need beside the road we walk. Thielike asks, "To whom am I a neighbor? Who is laid at my door? Who is expecting help from me and looks upon me as his neighbor?" (Thielike, 1959, p. 168).

Many soldiers and their family members may be like the man beside the road, in need of us being "neighborly to them in Jesus' name." But to help means we need to have a degree of understanding. Pastors and lay leaders need to be sensitive to the struggles found within their congregations and communities, whether it is alcoholism, divorce, loneliness, or broken relationships. While church leaders cannot be expected to solve all of their congregants' problems, they can be expected to have a broader understanding so that they can minister more effectively.

This book, Beyond the Yellow Ribbon: Ministering to Returning Combat Veterans, enables readers to have a deeper understanding and appreciation of some significant struggles soldiers and their families face. But understanding is not enough. Understanding must directly translate into helping others. Churches have a mission to reach out to the lost, the lonely, and the hurting. And as they reach out to help others, they will find soldiers and their families in need of services and support. This book will help you offer that support.

They Are Us

There is a military myth that states, "The military takes care of its own." The premise for this myth is that soldiers, airmen, marines, sailors, and coast guard personnel are part of a bigger system that excludes civilians and embraces service members. The idea is that when a recruit signs up to serve, the recruit gets a new family in the bargain. The idea is that this new family will take care of the service member's needs. It very rarely works out that way.

The military does indeed provide amenities to its service members. They are paid a salary. They receive training for their MOS (military operation specialty). They are fed and provided uniforms. They are given housing. But that does not mean that every issue is addressed or cared for. And it does not mean that service members are no longer part of the civilian world.

Indeed, the civilian world seems to automatically exclude them. They put service members on a different plane or give them a different status. Ask most civilians about service members and they will almost inevitably say, "Oh, they are heroes." When pressed to say why they are heroes, civilians will respond, "Because they have sacrificed so much for our country." Asked who takes care of or supports these service members, most civilians will answer, "The military takes care of them."

Soldiers endure hardships, no doubt. They are separated from family for extended periods of time. They are deployed to different and at times dangerous locations throughout the world. They are limited in their choices and have to obey their commanders. But does becoming a soldier mean becoming a hero?

Most soldiers resent being labeled a hero. Most soldiers would tell a well-wisher that they are not heroes but rather are "just doing their job." They are processing payroll or fixing planes or driving trucks. They have paid responsibilities and work goals. They have timelines and deadlines and projects. "Just doing their job" is a phrase that applies to most adults. Don't most adults get up each morning and head off to work? Some jobs are tedious; some are exciting. Some take considerable skill, while others take minimal thinking. But most workers end their day with the knowledge that they were "doing their job."

When we elevate all soldiers to hero status, we risk separating them from our shared life experiences. They become "them" and we are "us." We aren't one of them, because they are heroes. We aren't one of them; they belong to the military. The military "owns" them. And if they belong to someone else, they are someone else's concern. When we hear of their problems, we can minimize or ignore them. After all, they are not us.

Still, heroes do exist in the military. Many honorable men and women have performed incredible acts of bravery that resulted in great injury or death. These soldiers have earned their medals and crosses for bravery. Our country owes them our gratitude. But heroes exist in other places too. Daily, there are news clips of firefighters storming burning buildings or a neighbor dashing in front of a car to grab a wandering toddler. Heroes exist outside of the military. All of us are capable of heroic acts, but few of us will be called upon to perform one.

We share similar traits and values with service members. We marry; they marry. We have children; they have children. They get sad; we get sad. They struggle; we struggle. It is important that we recognize that while differences do exist, so do similarities. There is no "they" and "us." We are they. Service members come from our state, our community, and our families. We should not allow ourselves to place them in their own sealed category. Once we categorize them, we run the risk of ignoring them. And when we ignore them, they suffer. They don't want to be excluded; they don't want to be different. They are soldiers, but they are also human. They have some unique experiences, but all humans have unique experiences. We need to understand their uniqueness while still acknowledging their sameness.

What Is Unique about Service Members

Each of the five branches of service that make up our military has its own specialty. The Army focuses on ground missions, the Navy roams the seas, and the Air Force defends air space. The Marines are basically the "air/land expeditionary force," and the Coast Guard is used in law enforcement, boating safety, and illegal immigration control. While each branch differs from the others, they are all united as the military and ultimately are under the president of the United States, the commander-in-chief.

Service members can be on active duty, in the National Guard, or in the Reserves. When most Americans think of service members, they conjure up pictures of military bases. There are more than 200 bases in the United States. Some bases are small, like Fort McCoy, Wisconsin, and some are very large, such as Fort Bragg in Fayetteville, North Carolina. Military bases are in essence "gated communities" that provide housing, schools, medical services, and support to active duty soldiers. Active duty families who live on bases often feel that they are removed from civilian communities, and in fact do feel that most of their needs are met "on base."

Active duty soldiers and their families can leave the civilian world behind when they flash their military identification card to the guards at entrance gates. Once they enter their base, they speak a similar language and understand each other's world. But their world is also influenced by the civilian world. They watch the same television shows; they eat the same foods; they buy the same clothes; and they study the same subjects in school. But because they are "behind walls," they are often seen as "different" and "not part of us."

National Guard and Reservists are even more confusing for civilians to understand. Although those terms often are used interchangeably, they are different. The National Guard falls under the jurisdiction of the state governor. The National Guard is used during civil unrest and disasters in their state, and they are to be available for federal active duty far away from their home state. Once they become deployed, they are under the jurisdiction of the federal government. National Guard families live in both worlds. They often have civilian jobs but drill (train) one weekend a month and two weeks during the year.

National Guard members usually serve with residents of their states, while Reservists fall under the federal government authority and serve with soldiers from all over the United States. However, they too have their feet in both the military and the civilian worlds. They often have a regular weekday or five-day-a-week job and drill or train one weekend per month. Reservists and guard personnel describe themselves as members of the military, but often their families don't see themselves as military families unless their spouse or partner deploys. And then they are thrust into a military system they often don't understand or fully appreciate.

The Adventure of Being in the Military

For many Americans the idea of being in the military conjures up images of adventure. As teenagers move toward their high school graduation, they are faced with the ongoing dilemma of What am I going to do after I graduate? For many kids it means going to college; for others it may be a trade school or a waiting job. But for a small percentage of students, there is the lure of the military.

Joining the military often allows men and women to see and experience things they would never have the opportunity to do as civilians. They can visit exotic countries, learn to fly amazing planes, sail on ships, or test their endurance running as soldiers or marines miles on end with heavy backpacks. They get to meet fellow service personnel from all over the United States. Many also feel a patriotic duty to serve their county and help keep it safe. The military offers men and women a sense of duty and mission that they might otherwise not have. In exchange for this adventure, service members allow the military to dictate what they will do, where they will live, and how much they will be paid. For many service members there is comfort and relief in not having to make all of those decisions on their own. This is particularly true with active duty soldiers.

Most National Guard members and Reservists have fulltime civilian jobs. But once they are deployed, they become an active duty soldier. They become "fully military" and put their civilian life on hold. Many National Guard and Reservists join the military for part-time service and some extra income. In addition, they may also receive money for college as well as a bonus for signing up.

How does the military adventure affect the family members who stay home—the spouses or partners who stay at home working full-time jobs? How does the military adventure affect the mother of four elementary school children who has just been told her husband will be gone for over one year? Most families look for pay-offs and balance as they assess their roles and military involvement.

Active duty families often feel they have a better and clearer pay-off than those who are in the Guards or Reserves. Many active duty military families put up with the long separations and frequent moves because there is a reward for doing so. Active duty soldiers can retire after twenty years of service on half base pay according to rank (or three-fourths basic pay for thirty years of service). For a soldier who enters into the fulltime military service at age twenty, that means he or she can retire at the relatively young age of forty. Many soldiers are deployed to areas where their family can join them. Some military families are stationed, at government expense, in beautiful Hawaii or other exotic places in Europe or Asia. The children might go to school and receive medical care on base. Families on bases often form strong and quick friendships with other military families, because they have learned to adapt to new situations and are able to reach out to others who share very similar experiences.