The Book of Almosts, Nice Tries, and Good Attempts: Tall Tales with Epic Fails

A delightfully illustrated, satirical book of VERY short stories and tall tales-most of which are humorous-all of which were meant to be funny. Perfect for a coffee table, or to balance a chair with a short leg! Not ideal for children.

If you were searching for a quirky book by a first-time author, of no acclaim, who was probably drunk 30-35% of the time he insisted he was writing, then this could be the perfect purchase for you! Or ... and hear me out on this ... it's also possible that this book could be a total waste of your time and money.

And that speaks to a simple truth. Sometimes, life works out for us. Sometimes, it doesn't.

Of course, if you're the protagonist in any of the stories in this book, always assume it will be the latter.

The Book of Almosts, Nice Tries, and Good Attempts is a series of illustrated tales, for adult readers, who take great pleasure in seeing others fail. The second fastest gun in the West meets the guy who is quicker on the draw. The woman who claimed to have exact change fails to find a single penny. Even the guy who tries to build a better ark than Noah ends up treading water. It's a book where no one wins, except you, the reader ... because you wisely decided to buy it.

Or maybe you didn't. What do I know? I'm just a guy who's about to step out to get another drink.

By the way ... This book could be a great gift idea for that friend of yours with the fantastic sense of humor. They'd definitely appreciate it. Just saying.

WARNING: Please be advised that this book contains a few foul words and humor more suited to adults than children. It also contains way, way, way, way too much redundancy.

NOTE ON PRICING: The retail prices for this book aren't cheap. I get it. Please know that as the author/publisher, I am slated to earn under $2.00 USD on any retail sale of the paperback and under $3.00 USD on the hardcover (in the U.S.). It's a modest amount. My simple goal was to write something that would spark a smile, with the help of a phenomenally talented illustrator, and for at least the hardcover edit to be worthy of a place on your coffee table. To do that, and to not lose money in the process, this is the pricing I am able to provide. Thank you for understanding.

Follow me on Instragram: @Almostabook

I was born in 1968 and spent the majority of my childhood outside of the classroom. I wasn't touring the world, exploring new cultures. It wasn't some great experiment foisted upon me by a couple of free-spirited parents. Rather, from the first through the sixth grade, most of my teachers would toss me out of class within minutes of me taking my seat.

I earned it though. I've always been a smart aleck.

I was with some old couple in an elevator not too long ago-very respectable looking people. I hit the button for my floor. Nothing happened. The woman, observing, profoundly noted, "It didn't light up."

"Very few things light up when I touch them," I reflexively answered.

The rest of that ride we all kept silent. I wasn't fond of that look the old man gave me either. But I had to expect it. I'd seen that reaction before ... many times.

Sophomore year of high school, during the first week of classes, my English teacher asked each student to write a paragraph on their ideal person of the opposite sex. (You could ask that question back then.) She told us that at our election, we could do it anonymously. So, each student wrote a very thoughtful description and submitted it without their name-except me. I proudly put my John Hancock down on mine ... but not on my second, unofficial submission. That one I did anonymously. Didn't matter. Having had me in her class already for a day or two, the teacher figured out the author. I saw her chin drop when she read it. Then she turned to me with a menacing glare.

"It wasn't me!!!" I yelled. But we both knew. Everyone knew.

"I'm not even mad," she said. "I just want to know if this is what you really believe."

I couldn't answer. Even back then, as a moronic kid, I realized it would have been an ill-advised admission of guilt.

A few things have happened since my high school days. I went to college at Brandeis University (1990). Law school at Cardozo (1994) followed. (And I actually passed the bar both in New York and New Jersey.) A good portion of my twenties was spent working and studying in Asia. And by the late 1990s, I was living in New York. I worked at a talent agency that had Howard Stern as its biggest client ... an experience that gave me the tools to found my own agency of twenty plus years-most notably, a label maker and a stapler.

Oh! And I also managed to make a kid. Best thing I've ever done. Smarter and better behaved than I ever could have hoped to be. And the pr*ck is better looking too. Don't get me started.

And now, apparently, I'm a professional author. Maybe that will give me something to talk about the next time I see that couple in the elevator.