BREAKUPS

There are five categories of relationship breakups: reason, seasonal, lifetime, self, and spiritual.

We are going to look at these five categories and apply the 4B principle (breakup, breakdown, breakthrough, breakout) for each.

Reason Relationship: A reason breakup happens when the individual in your life is there to meet a need that you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. This relationship usually assists you through a difficulty; provides you with guidance and support; or aids you physically, emotionally, or spiritually on your journey. This relationship might seem like a godsend to you—and it is.

Breakup: Did the relationship meet a need that you expressed inwardly and/or outwardly?

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B Note: The fact that a person meets one need doesn't mean that he or she has the capacity to meet other needs in a way that warrants a long-term relationship. Accept the reason for this person's presence in your life, show gratitude, and move on.

Breakdown: What do you need to do to restructure your life/relationships? What are the issues that you need to face?

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B Note: Once you know you need to make the adjustment, the next step is determining when to execute the action required to adjust. Hint: There is no better time than now. Now spelled backward is won—do it now and you have won!

Breakthrough: What lesson did you learn from the reason breakup? At what point did you know that you were experiencing a breakthrough?

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B Note: Breaking through is usually a process. The extent to which we have overcome the fear and pain that prevent us from breaking through determines the phase we are in. Go through the process—don't skip steps—and you will have an illuminating breakthrough!

Breakout: What was the purpose of your experience?

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Throughout the entire workbook, you will be challenged with a B workout. It is important that once you have identified the problem and received the tools necessary to develop a plan you move on and work out!

B Workout: Take a moment, meditate, and reflect on the need that has been met by the reason breakup. Stay in that moment, feel every emotion, thank the universe for sending the person to you, and pray that God will protect and bless this person.

Seasonal Relationship: A seasonal breakup is the end of a relationship that is in your life for a season. This relationship is there to help you grow and learn. It may teach you to do something that you have never done, something you may have wanted to do but didn't because of fear.

Breakup: What did you learn from the seasonal relationship, and how did you grow?

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Breakdown: What do you need to do to restructure? What are the issues that you need to face?

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Breakthrough: What lesson did you learn? At what point did you know that you were experiencing a breakthrough?

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Breakout: What was the purpose of your entire experience?

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B Workout: Write down all the people who are toxic to your health. Make a decision to divorce every individual who is toxic. Reorganize your priorities. You should be number one on your priority list. On one side of a piece of paper, write all the toxic issues that you are aware of. On the other side, write a restructure statement for each issue. Here is an example:

Issue: He/She wanted to leave, but I fought for my love and sacrificed myself to keep the relationship together.

Restructure statement: I am thankful for the lessons I learned from this relationship. I realize that the season has changed, and it's time to let go, move forward, and apply the lessons.

Appreciate the joy of the lessons you learned from the seasonal relationship, and then release it!

Lifetime Breakup: A lifetime breakup is the ending of a relationship that you can never revisit. It's the breakup that takes time, for you must heal and come to understand all the lessons that you learned from the relationship.

Breakup: Have you made up your mind never to revisit this relationship?

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Breakdown: What do you need to do to restructure? What are the issues that you need to face?

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Breakthrough: What lesson did you learn from the lifetime breakup? At what point did you know that you were experiencing a breakthrough?

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Breakout: What was the purpose of the experience?

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B Note: The lifetime breakup is the relationship you should never revisit. It takes time to heal from this strong emotional attachment. Oftentimes this is the relationship you keep revisiting, but it continues to give you the same results. This echoes Albert Einstein's definition of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

B Workout: Write down all the reasons why you broke off the relationship and why you vowed never to revisit it. Ask yourself, "Did the same patterns show up every time I revisited the relationship? How can the lessons I learned from this relationship assist with future relationships?"

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Self Relationship: A self breakup can be negative or positive. It's negative when you break away from who you really are and pretend that you are someone else for the sake of acceptance. But it's positive when you break up with the person you are right now to become the person you want to be.

Breakup: Are you trying to pretend you're someone you're not, or have you made the choice to be who you need to be?

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Breakdown: What do you need to do to restructure? What are the issues that you need to face?

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Breakthrough: What lesson did you learn from the self breakup? At what point did you know that you were experiencing a breakthrough?

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Breakout: What was the purpose of the experience?

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B Note: Remember that when you break up from who you truly are and pretend that you are someone else, for the sake of acceptance, this is a negative self breakup. On the other hand, when you break up from the person you are right now to become the person you need to be, this is a positive self breakup.

B Workout: If you were introducing yourself to a stranger with the intent to provide him or her with detailed information about the true you, what would you say? Describe who you are emotionally, physically, intellectually, romantically, creatively, and spiritually. Are you enthusiastic about who you are? Is it the truth? Are you at peace with who you are? Now choose four people who are close to you, ask them to give their introductions, and compare these to your introduction. Often we project a false self onto others out of fear of judgment or a lack of confidence to share who we really are.

Spiritual Relationship: Spiritual breakups happen when your soul opens, surrenders, and embraces new perspectives through a variety of religious teachings.

Breakup: Has your soul opened up, so you can ask yourself the questions that may prove some of the things you were taught are lies?

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B Note: When you ask the questions, be prepared to embrace the journey that will lead you down a road of spiritual discoveries. Your truth in your past may or may not be your truth in your present or future.

Breakdown: What do you need to do to restructure? What are the issues that you need to face?

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Breakthrough: What lesson did you learn from the spiritual breakup? At what point did you know that you were experiencing a breakthrough?

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Breakout: What was the purpose of the experience?

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B Workout: Lie down on the floor on your back, with your arms open as if you are about to embrace someone, and ask yourself, "What do I believe?" Now ask yourself, "What are the spiritual truths that I know?" Do not answer this question with what you have been taught or what you've heard from someone else. Instead, think about your truth. What brings you peace? When do you feel close to God? I promise that the answers you come up with will lead you to begin your spiritual journey.

B Note: Sometimes there is simply silence in the moment when your answers come. They can come from an unexpected source, such as nature, a child, an uplifting TV show, or an inspirational speaker. Some of my favorite sources are Super Soul Sunday, T. D. Jakes, Deepak Chopra, evangelist Joel Osteen, and author Dr. Brenae Brennan.

BREAK DOWN—NOT ME

Describe the moment when you knew you were experiencing humility. What about that moment caused you to feel embarrassed?

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Now that you are open to a new direction, how is the new path different from your previous one?

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Restructuring

What steps do you have to take to face the truth about your past, present, and future?

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Present

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Future

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What obstacles have prevented you from making the change that you know you need to make?

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Name four steps that you will take to restructure.

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B Note: You need to make the adjustment in your personal, professional, health, and spiritual relationships.

Facing the Issues

What is your truth?

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What are the lies that you have chosen to believe?

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Who do you trust, and why are these people worthy of your trust?

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What is it about humility that causes you to feel humiliated?

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Describe why you are the most important person in this world?

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B Workout: Stand in front of the mirror and take off all your clothing—get completely naked. Open up your heart, tell the truth, and confront the lies. The mirror doesn't lie. It reflects who you are and how people see you. It takes getting naked emotionally and physically to truly embrace humility. If you cry, laugh, get angry or excited, or feel hurt or afraid, then you must work to be fully present in that moment. Whatever emotion you are feeling, bring yourself to be fully present. Allow God to speak to your heart. Embrace yourself tightly, and tell yourself the truth. At times the truth may be uncomfortable, and the lies that you have told yourself may be challenging to overcome. These lies could be statements such as "You're fat," "You're ugly," "You're unlovable," "You're not worthy," or "There's no need to change." Once you get naked and face both the lies and the truth, you will be on your way to rewriting your story. You don't have to keep telling the same story. Here is a pen—now start writing.