CHAPTER 1
Awakening
An Illness, a Life Situation, an Emotion, a Thought, are all impermanent. They are transient phenomena and arise and pass. What energises these is an attachment to a concept, a perception, a missed-understanding, fear of a consequence in the future or a memory from the past. Most of these are coloured by judgement. If we understand that every thought has an impact, would we not be more careful about what we think? We are often told about actions and their consequences. Thoughts and words have power and great consequence. Are we aware of these?
This is a useful practice and assists in one's own awakening
Sit quietly, arms and legs uncrossed. Take a deep breath and fill the whole body with this breath. Breathe out slowly and easily until you know you have completed the out breath. Do this 3 times. You will notice the body relax. Keep your attention in the body, exactly as it is.
The next 3 breaths – breathe into the area in your body where you see tension, pain or dis-ease. Notice what happens without judgement, without expectation, without hatred or dislike. Like a child, watch this with wonder.
What is observed is Change and Impermanence. Who is observing? Your Higher Self, God Presence? You could call it what feels comfortable for you. This observer is always present and when there is quiet, we notice and understand. This ability is effortless and ever present and in every one of us. This is balance and equanimity.
There is a tendency to forget to log in here causing a dis-connect with YOU. This YOU, is not a person, nor a personality. It is not a creation. It simply IS and in all of us as individuated beings. We are aspects of the same. Once such a place is seen and experienced, we KNOW. Our perspective alters and there is Space which allows the opening of the heart to receive that which heals and balances. This is the quiet space, the safe space from where magic and miracles do occur. There is a different mind space here. Just as we have no personality or name when we sleep (proved by science and research) we are one being with all that IS and therefore have access to all information and guidance. We wake up and wear our Personality like a cloak and assume all its definitions of who and what we are along with all the limitations. We become Separate and lose the connection of being part of a whole. When we take this cloak off, we are Vulnerable but very strong. Every day we can discover this wonder anew. All it needs is awareness, and a willingness to observe rather than judge and control. It can be fun to get reacquainted with a new being every day, every hour every moment.
What we call misfortunes, illness and traumas offer us an opportunity to look through this window. They take away the sense of security we attach to and leave us Vulnerable. Here is a space where we can come into our own Power and draw on universal energy to heal and balance all that is imbalanced. Here is a space for Gratitude, for all that we are given even the imbalance. These are experiences we have invited for our evolution and learning. It is a time of excitement and joy, and not a time of sorrow and despair. The latter kicks in because of Fear – of what?
One could say safely that the Fear is one of Death. Fear has been defined by a profound soul as:
F alse
E vidence,
A ppearing
R eal
This is worth Reflecting on. Death does not only refer to the physical death but the death of ideas, thoughts, judgements, emotions, perceptions, time – past and future, and many limitations. These being Impermanent, arise and die incessantly. So what causes our distress is our absolute attachment to the above phenomenon without reflection and awareness.
Here is an opportunity for deep reflection and connection within. Fear drives us away from this space toward giving away our personal power to others. Here is a quote from Rumi:
"And if every way is closed before youz
The secret one will show a secret path
No other eyes have seen before"
This book is offered to you with deep love and appreciation for your presence on this planet, and the perfection you bring. All I ask is for every reader to walk in these shoes for a while and find the resonance. If none exists, hope it is an interesting experience. Illness and imbalance touch all of our lives directly or indirectly. I wish you well on your awakening.
CHAPTER 2
A SHIFT IN PARADIGM
* * *
Death
Found myself facing death.
What happens when this being dies?
Who am I?
What is my purpose? Where am I going?
I am a mass of changing energy
Which aspect of this is me?
Notice attachment to the physical body.
Which bit is me? Watch the fear in and around me
I watch quietly and willingly
A creation of mine
A smile crosses my face
I welcome my friend and Accept my power
I am a Spirit who knows
All is well
Diagnosis
I was given a diagnosis of Invasive Ductile Carcinoma Left Breast.
This followed a routine mammography which showed some abnormality. I then had a repeat mammograph at a breast clinic a month later. This lasted for 4 hours and they were looking for multiple growths in both breasts. The radiographer who worked with me was very distressed as she was aware of the bruising that was being caused. I reassured her that I was alright and continued to meditate. It was at this time that I saw a small lump in my left breast. Having visualised this, I began my healing.
Once the Oncologist was happy with the mammograph she used it to do a guided biopsy, which gave her more information. This process took four hours. I received the official diagnosis a week later confirming that I had a grade 1 carcinoma of the left breast. Grade one means that it is localized andhas not spread anywhere.
The diagnosis is confirmed in a letter from a hospital consultant in an English breast screening service:
12 September 2007
This patient ... was assessed ... on 7 September 2007. She had been recalled for further evaluation of a suspicious, 10 mm spiculate mass in the upper half of the LEFT breast and a tiny probable benign area of calcification in the RIGHT upper outer quadrant. Clinical examination demonstrated a sublet mass, which was difficult to feel and would require localization, in the LEFT upper inner quadrant. Subsequently, this was confirmed to represent a 7 mm suspicious, malignant appearing mass on ultrasound. Ultrasound of the LEFT axilla was normal. Ultrasound guided core biopsies were performed to this mass and this has revealed an invasive ductal carcinoma, grade with associated low grade DCIS(85b/85a). Stereotactic guided core biopsies were performed to the calcification in the RIGHT upper out quadrant.
Histology has confirmed this to be fibrocystic change with calcification (B2).
In September 2007 I was given a diagnosis of Invasive Ductile Carcinoma Left Breast. It was all about FEAR and DEATH. It was all about `You better hurry up and do this or that if you don't want to Die'
So what was it all about? It made me reflect on my life. A rich and beautiful life that had prepared me to face this creation in a balanced and positive way. A realization came that I was never presented with anything that I didn't have the knowledge and capacity to handle. So instead of feeling DEAD already or in the process of Dying, I felt optimistic and joyous at the prospect of this learning.
Cancer is a symptom which can be turned into an illness through FEAR. Nature of fear is to contract at all levels; emotional, mental, physical and spiritual, thereby making us lose touch with our inner strength.
I was born in India and raised there through my formative years. A culture and a way of life, that is close to death and has an acceptance of it as an inevitable part of life. My parents exposed us to all sorts of information and beliefs in an impartial way - an invaluable guidance system for life, full of tolerance and compassion. A value base that was universal and valid through all time and across cultures and divides.
So where does a personal diagnosis of a Terminal Illness fit in? I created this through a thought in my mind – a decision that I had completed what I came for in this life time and felt tired and wished to go. I lost my Corgi Ruffy suddenly. I had maintained a home for him as the children were grown up and independent and it was the just the 2 of us. I felt that I had completed what I was here for and decided to call it quits.
I didn't express this consciously but it was there in my sub-conscious and as far as the sub-conscious is concerned, it hears what you say exactly as you say it. It is like an order in a restaurant. It executes it. Why Cancer and not something else? My mother had often feared that I would get it. Somewhere I had stored this and in my moment of deep unhappiness, connected the 2 and bingo, a month later there was a lump.
Consciousness is amazing. It obeys our thoughts and stores our tensions. It is where all our manifestations begin. It is where all is resolved. It is awareness of one's own existence, sensations, thoughts, feeling, volition and surroundings. It cannot be pinned down but it is ever present.
We are all wise beings. However, we don't connect with this part of ourselves. Occasionally we allow glimpses and even then we dismiss this as coincidence or a notion that we must have read it somewhere. We have an ability to reduce our being-ness to the smallest rather than see the huge and magnificent being that we are.
We are energy that is constantly changing and moving. Nothing therefore is permanent or solid. Physics says the same. My personal experience and understanding of this came from meditation, a practice in my case of Vipassana. Vipassana is Insight Meditation discovered by the Buddha as a rational method to purify the mind of the mental factors that cause distress and pain. Aspects of these teachings have become widely absorbed as Mindfulness, a word in common use. This is an essential aspect of Vipassana and all of the Buddha's teaching. There is a lot more. It is up to the reader to explore further.
I had done this for many years and it informs my life at all levels and on a daily basis. To therefore get caught up with fear and concern about dying was not a possibility. To accept, and let go was an option that was clear and one I understood. I had a lump in my body and I accepted this without guilt – What had I done to cause it? What had I done to deserve this? Who or what was responsible for it? All of these are attempts to find a cause outside of one's self. With my understanding of the Dhamma (the teachings of the Buddha), the buck stopped with me. This is an amazing journey of acceptance and letting go, even of death and dying.
Dying is transformation. Everything is transformed and changing all the time even at the cellular level and at the sub atomic level. Change is inevitable. Some change we can accept – like old age and all that comes with it. This we see as normal, acceptable. This forms a belief system – one that is set in stone for most people. We hear comments and clichés all the time about what happens when we get old.
What we believe we manifest. What we focus on grows. If we focus on fear, that multiplies, if we focus on acceptance, it enables the body to become calm and natural healing occurs. The body is intelligent and knows how to heal itself. If this were not the case, we would have innumerable illnesses at any given time. We need to love and trust this body and assist it by being equanimous, being calm and trusting in its integrity.
I chose to focus on the impermanence and letting go of the lump by lovingly accepting it and allowing it. I chose to give gratitude to it as my teacher. I chose to see any fears that arose with the same love and lovingly ask it to leave as I no longer wished to learn through Fear. I thanked the fear for trying to help. I had a lot of love and compassion for myself. During moments of reflection I knew that I was guided from within. I had a wonderful internal Radar System, my Intuition, my personal Sat Nav to assist me. Most of all I knew I simply had to ask and I would be led. Some people call this Faith, some call it stupidity, some call it irresponsible and others have a 50% belief that it might be a possibility. So what is Faith? Is it blind? Who knows except the one who feels it.
CHAPTER 3
FAITH
* * *
Faith
I know, I trust, I see
I am, I feel, I accept
In wisdom I flow
In the myriad universes within me
To be part of the One, In Peace
So here is the conundrum for most people. Is having faith a belief in one's self or is it sitting back and giving the power to someone or something else? How about asking ourselves, "who am I". We could write long lists about our physical appearance, our age, our qualifications, our personality, our nationality, our family, our preferences and so on. Are we really all these things at all times?
If I were to ask you in this moment, "who are you?", what would you say? Would it be all of the above? It wouldn't be so. Yet we define ourselves by all those things that are aspects that arise and pass, that are impermanent. To all of these we further add emotions that we associate with them, add value – good, bad, not worthy of love, hate, happiness, criticism, shame, guilt, anger, resentment, jealousy and many more. We then choose to believe these as permanent. We water and nurture them with every new experience that is similar, feeding into the old pile. We become victims of our own negative beliefs and emotions. We create toxicity in our mind and body. Tensions that cause dis-ease in the body and mind. We forget that we are beings of Spirit.
We are housed in this physical body in this life time on this beautiful planet Earth. It is a borrowed item that enables the Spirit within to shine through and it does so through its experiences and manifestations. Faith is an understanding of this connection between the perceived solidity of our physical world and an understanding of its connection with the cosmos, the universe, and all that exists. The principles are universal. This is an amazing and comforting thought but not one which says you can relax and hand over to someone to do it for you. Faith helps one reclaim this power that informs through the stillness within. It is a `knowing'. It is a perfect guidance system. It is a space of quiet understanding, a place of peace and joy. A place of equanimity. So why is it so hard for us to trust such guidance? We Doubt and sometimes go beyond and dismiss this guidance.
CHAPTER 4
DOUBT
* * *
We live in a world of doubt. We are not taught to TRUST even when we can see that doing so will be beneficial. When we doubt, we are always looking for options that might be better, quicker, or simply different. In this mental state we can never be centred or quiet enough to hear our own inner voice.
Doubt is like a shape shifter and is everywhere. Just when one feels a certainty or stillness within, doubt pops up to create questions and noise. Before one knows it one is rattling between emotions, memories, thoughts of past and future. It creates a sense of unease, discontentment, and dissatisfaction for which there are no answers. In this state we become the unease or discontentment instead of seeing them as something that arises and passes. We identify with these feelings, thoughts, perceptions and conceptions. We can no longer view them objectively. We cause a lot of suffering for ourselves at all levels – physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
These are events that are self-driven, cyclical and never ending. It results in agitation and anxiety. For many today this is a permanent state. It creates Desire and by its nature, Desire is never fulfilled. As we get close to our desires, something new appears and so on and on. It creates a state of wanting or not wanting, craving or aversion. Both of these are states of imbalance and like a pendulum we swing between the two.
In such a state we have no compassion, appreciation respect or love for who we are, wise beings. Instead judgment and criticism run riot.
There is a way to understand this process and release this pattern Meditation is very beneficial and has a profound and deep impact on one's understanding as it develops in one the quality of objective enquiry. It is experiential learning and remains in the cellular structure. It is a Knowing, a certainty not based in knowledge. As a result no degrees or qualifications are required. It enables the cultivation of wisdom. Being in nature can be meditative, for some, music can have the same affect. Most of all it stops us from running on the patterns we create and to which we automatically resort.
There are other methods and practices which will be listed at the end of the book.
In terms of illness and as a patient, we play a role where we decide to doubt our own intuitive knowing. My teacher Luang Por Sumedho would call it "Intuitive Awareness ". Trust is the operative word. Trust and doubt are two ends of a continuum. When we trust we flow and when we flow life shows us the way. We are guided by our Soul, our spirit. So what is spirit?
