People say I inspire them, but I'm not sure why; I am a young girl from the hood who made it out. I don't consider myself to have all the answers. My childhood life was hell from as far back as I can remember. By the age of five years old, I had been exposed to homelessness and child molestation. I was placed in foster care and four different living situations (from one home to another), in and out of the court system, exposed to child protection agencies, missing my father who was in prison, and dealing with my mother who was in and out of jail as well as addicted to crack cocaine and men who were no good for her. As far as I can remember, this was my life before kindergarten. I have lived through life's many struggles and persevered through every storm that blew my way. I am writing this story to inspire you. As you are going through your storms, let my stories of triumph and encouragement minister to your spirit and give you the strength to fight through any given situation (molestation, rape, failure, death, legal problems, horrific home situations, problems at work, financial woes, and any given burden). I challenge you to lay them down one by one and press forward to become a stronger you. I hope that you become motivated with every scripture and quote. Do not let the statistics in society that condemn you to fail define you. It is my prayer that you can keep moving forward and see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want you to know it is not where you start but how you finish. Not everyone is equal, as we are born into circumstances beyond our control. Some of us have more advantages than others do, whether it is better homes and cars, better parents, or ideal living situations. Like a deck of cards, some of us get the ace of spades and some get the joker. Life is not an even playing field; the cards you're dealt may not be the ones you desire, but if you keep playing your hand you could still win the g
THE CARDS OF LIFE
When all Hope is Gone, trust then believeBy ERICA POOLERTrafford Publishing
Copyright © 2012 Dr. Erica Pooler
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4669-2266-2Contents
Acknowledgments...........................................................................ixPreface...................................................................................xiIntroduction..............................................................................xvChapter 1 Hell before Five...............................................................1Chapter 2 Stability at Home and School: Washington Shores Elementary.....................13Chapter 3 A Lesson Learned...............................................................29Chapter 4 Fourth and Fifth Grades........................................................39Chapter 5 Carver Middle School...........................................................51Chapter 6 Fed up and Moving Back.........................................................61Chapter 7 Teenage Pregnancy..............................................................68Chapter 8 Life after High School.........................................................75Chapter 9 Gone Too Soon..................................................................80Chapter 10 Pressing through the Storm....................................................90Quotes That Helped Speak to Me............................................................93Scriptures................................................................................101Sources...................................................................................121
Chapter One
Hell before Five
At the tender age of four years old, I learned several lessons. First were stability, trust, and family—the character of people—plus forgiveness and unconditional love. I was forced to face many life lessons at an early age. When talking about getting the wrong deck of cards, I think I might have been cheated. I was the product of infidelity, and my mother was addicted to drugs for most of my life. I remember very little of being in her care. I assume I was removed from her prior to four because the first memory that I have is living at my grandmother's house. She had already birthed thirteen children of her own. I never saw her because she worked long hours at a large hotel. Whenever she would get home, she was tired and sleepy. She would get a beer and then go into her room and close the door.
In that home, it was overcrowded and we slept wherever we could. I remember walking to the candy ladies house and drinking sugar water and eating mayonnaise sandwiches with no meat. I had no clue where my mother was or how long my sister and I could stay.
Something about that situation felt very temporary and uncomfortable. Not that I really knew what comfort was at the age of four. I knew I never had my own room and I didn't feel a sense of security or stability. I wanted my mother, and I didn't know where she was. My sister was five years old and we were very close. My brother lived with his grandmother on his dad's side; he was definitely in a better living situation. At night when I would go to sleep, I was awakened by older family members who touched me and made me touch them in places that I knew was not normal. I wondered if my older sister was being touched too.
I remember being offered, or bribed with, treats like food and snacks. I remember crying at night and being so confused and alone. I was told not to tell. I was scared with no stable adults around, and I didn't know what to do or where to turn. I realized that this was not a good living environment. I would go to my great grandmother's house on weekends. She was a lot older and wiser, and I would always ask her if my sister and I could live with her. She would always respond, "Babe, I would if I could, but I'm a poor creeter and I can't take on no more children. I've raised my child, my grandchildren, and I've got your cousin who is six years old. Baby, Grandma loves you, but you can't live here."
When I would visit my great grandma's house, I went to Zion Hill Baptist Church twice every Sunday and then again on Wednesday nights for Bible study. I guess that's where I learned about God and began to pray. After the weekend was over, I was back at my other grandmother's house.
I am not sure whether the school reported me to Department of Children and Families, but I had all types of people pulling me out of my kindergarten class and asking me questions. They called my sister and asked her questions too. They asked me about who lived in the house with me and where I slept. They asked me if people had ever made me feel uncomfortable or touched me in my bathing suit places. They made me show them, using dolls, what was done to me, and that day I was taken from my grandmother's house and placed in a foster home called Great Oaks Village, which was for children who were abused and neglected. It turned out my older sister was being touched too by my uncle, and once by one of my mother's boyfriends. As I got older, I learned that this is called molestation, and it happens all the time, usually by someone you know and trust.
I already didn't have family, and nobody wanted to take care of me. I still didn't know where my mother was or when she was coming back for me. I do know that whatever she did before I was four years old, she did it well because, for some reason, I loved my mother to death. I made excuses for her, not sure if she was in jail or just in the streets, but I longed for her. I longed for family and a normal childhood and upbringing. Prior to being taken from the home, I am not sure of who fed me, clothed me, or comforted me. I think my sister and I took care of each other. So far, I had learned how to judge character. It amazed me how people can harm you when no one is watching and act so perfect in the daylight when all eyes are present.
Thinking back, I still wonder how someone could place a child, who is already having such a hard life, in harm's way. Whether you are the predator or the prey, you need to get help, speak out, and speak up. I wish I had the voice back then that I have now.
To be honest, I should have stayed a ward of the state. I might have been better off, but I didn't see it that way. I wanted whatever piece of family that I had. I think my biggest fear was that my mother, wherever she was, would probably never come looking for me if I wasn't where she had left me. She had a hard enough time getting it together for family to trust her with her kids. How on earth was she to prove herself to the judicial system?
The next day, I woke up in the foster home as the officials took my sister away from me. They no longer had room for her there. At that moment, I was completely alone in a new living arrangement, in a new school, and with a new caretaker. At the age of four, I didn't even know how to process my thoughts and feelings. I remember thinking, Why must I suffer like this? Why does all this bad stuff happen to me and my family? I would pray for my mom every day. I would ask God to find her and tell her that all of her children have been taken away and separated. In my heart, I knew that she would find the strength to do what was necessary to get her kids back together. In order to process these thoughts and feelings of a four-year-old, we must first find a working definition of these terms.
* Character—The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.
Know that kids can see right through you, no matter the age. If you are fake and insincere, it becomes apparent and you will not reach kids.
* Trust—Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.
Children must be able to trust someone. Personally this was and still is hard for me because of the predicaments that I was placed in at such a young age. Teach children what trust is. Most importantly, show them that you are worthy of theirs.
* Stability—The state of being stable and constant; steadiness; firmness; permanence.
Stability for me was only from kindergarten through seventh grade. You will learn more about why in further chapters. You can be stable in the hood; your condition is what you make of it. Your neighborhood is what you make of it. Parents who are not in ideal situations make the best of where they are. If that is the projects, so be it. Make that environment as safe and nurturing as possible. Money does not change anything. Rich people still have problems and their kids are screwed up too, because stability is not just a living condition but a state of mind.
* Unconditional love—A term that means to love someone regardless of his or her actions or beliefs.
Personally, I loved my mom to death. In my eyes, she was still Mom. When I saw her, I had a bond that was inseparable. In her eyes, I saw helplessness. In her heart, I felt love. In her spirit, she was strong, but in her flesh she was weak. I think children will always love their parents unconditionally. Eventually their hearts become hardened to protect them from getting hurt repeatedly.
* Forgiveness—The act of forgiving; to renounce anger or resentment.
This action might be the hardest thing that you can ever be asked to do. How do you forgive a pedophile who took advantage of you? How do you forgive a parent who just leaves you defenseless in the world? How do you push past a teacher who breaks you down even lower than you already are? How do you forgive yourself for your own mistakes?
You have no choice. If you do not forgive, you can't move forward. It's like throwing in a card to the dead pile. You can't get dealt another card if you become stagnant and continue making excuses of why you are the way you are. Forgive and let go, and then move on.
What are the Statstistics?
Statistics of Child Abuse and Neglect
According to the National Child Abuse Statistics of 2010 (www.childhelp.org/pages/ statistics)
Children are suffering from a hidden epidemic of child abuse and neglect. Over three million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States; however, those reports can include multiple children. In 2009, approximately 3.3 million child abuse reports and allegations were made involving an estimated six million children.
• A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds.
• More than five children die every day because of child abuse.
• Approximately 80 percent of children who die from abuse are under the age of four.
• It is estimated that between 50 and 60 percent of child fatalities due to maltreatment are not recorded as such on death certificates.
• More than 90 percent of juvenile sexual abuse victims know their perpetrators in some way.
• Child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions, and at all levels of education.
• About 30 percent of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
• About 80 percent of twenty-one-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.
• The estimated annual cost of child abuse and neglect in the United States for 2008 is $124 billion.
Child Abuse and Criminal Behavior
• 14 percent of all men in prison in the USA were abused as children.
• 36 percent of all women in prison were abused as children.
• Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59 percent more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28 percent more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30 percent more likely to commit violent crime.
Child Abuse Consequences
• Abused children are 25 percent more likely to experience teen pregnancy.
• Abused teens are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at greater risk for STDs.
Child Abuse and Substance Abuse
• One-third to two-thirds of child maltreatment cases involve substance use to some degree.
• Children whose parents abuse alcohol and other drugs are three times more likely to be abused and more than four times more likely to be neglected than children from non-abusing families.
• As many as two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse reported being abused or neglected as children.
For more information, call the National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-Child.
Parents, please know that it is the duty of educators to report any suspected case of child abuse and neglect. If they don't, they can lose their job. Don't go out to the school attempting to fight the teacher; it is mandatory that they report.
As a parent, you need to do what is best for your children and sometimes that means you may need to give them to someone who is more capable of taking better care of them. Getting support for your child is the most selfless thing you can do. As a child, they may not understand but eventually they will.
You have no clue how far back your children can remember or the guilt that you feel when your child gets hurt in a preventable situation after you have placed him or her in harm's way. That guilt is not something that you can take back and sometimes "I'm sorry" is a little too late. Your character as a parent goes a long way. What you do for your children when no one is watching is what counts. It does not matter if you are from the projects, The Palms Apartments, The Crimes of Pine Hills, or Ritzy Windermere, the time and energy you put into your children will pay off later. What do you invest in your children? I hope it's not just the best clothes and shoes on the block. Can you as a parent count the books that you have read to your child? What lessons of life have you taught your child this week, month, or year? How many parent conferences do you initiate? What is your child's reading level, favorite color, or favorite book? What are your children's teachers' names and what are their credentials? As a parent, you need to know these things from preschool to high school. Remember that unconditional love will only go so far. Kids can only love so hard. As they get older, that love turns into anger and resentment. That resentment builds up a protection that will push people away to avoid getting hurt.
As a teacher, mentor, and administrator, what does your character look like?
What does your classroom look like when no one is watching? Administrators, what do you do for your students and teachers when no one is watching? How much do you push and inspire behind closed doors? When no one is in your classroom or on your school campus, does your position change? How quick are you to suspend or expel a student before you have exhausted all resources? How many home visits do you make each year? Your character goes a long way with your students because, at the end of the day, for children who grow up with a hard life much like myself, teachers, administrators, and community leaders are their last hope for support and guidance. I trust that you have their best interest at heart with every tough decision that must be made. I trust that you will evaluate your character as parents, teachers, administrators, and community leaders to assume the position of helping students to not become a negative statistic. These kids are hurting, and they are not going to let you in when they don't trust you and your character is shady.
In low-income schools that are Title 1 or At Risk, you have a bigger job to do for the students, parents, and community. You can't help at a deeper level until you truly connect all three.
Notes: Reflect on questions and where your character stacks up. Plan to work through your current situation or how you can help someone else get through his or hers. ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________ ____________________________________________
Endurance—Isaiah 35:3-4 Make the weak hands strong and the weak knees steady. Say to people who are frightened, "Be strong. Don't be afraid. Look, your God will come, and he will punish your enemies. He will make them pay for the wrongs they did, but he will save you.
Chapter Two
Stability at Home and School: Washington Shores Elementary
Great news. My great grandmother agreed to take us into her custody temporarily until my mom could come back for us. My sister and I shared rooms there. My cousin Redhead Keshia lived there already because her dad was strung out on drugs and her mother couldn't take care of her as well. Redhead Keshia's dad is my mother's brother—notice the cycles of addictions in families and generational curses. Keshia was my grandmother's favorite, I guess, since she was there first. She was kind of evil and rarely got into trouble. She had a way of twisting the truth that would usually wind up in us getting a spanking.
I was getting ready to start first grade at Washington Shores Elementary School. I loved school; it was my safe place. My teacher was older with white hair, and she was very strict, much like my grandmother. Her name was Mrs. White. I was adjusting to life with Grandma Keshia. Weird, huh? But that's what we called her: not Grandma Lilliemae but Grandma Keshia.
My great grandmother was born in 1918, which sounds like a long time ago. Well, it was, and she raised us like it was still 1918. Sometimes I felt like I was a slave getting beaten. We got beat for everything. The worst was laughing. How do you get a whoopin for laughing? We got beaten so much until, I think, our bodies got immune to it. My grandmother's thought process was weird to me. She had a washing machine and dryer but still expected us to wash clothes in a tub in the backyard and hang them out on the clothing line. What was the point of having a washing machine? She would also fuss constantly, all day and all night, for no apparent reason.
She had no air-conditioning living in Florida. Let me correct that: she had one air-conditioning unit in one bedroom, which was much like the washing machine and dryer. It was never used, unless her brother from New York would come to visit or her company came over, which was rare. We ate hotdogs, ramen noodles and fish like everyday, and that is because she lived off Lake Mann and the fish was free. She would cook a real meal every Sunday, just like depicted in the movie Soul Food.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from THE CARDS OF LIFEby ERICA POOLER Copyright © 2012 by Dr. Erica Pooler. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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