The author of Fearless Living introduces her forty-day program for overcoming fear to discover the divine purpose of life, drawing on her own quest for spiritual meaning to explain how to eliminate sin, break through barriers to personal growth, and develop a closer relationship with God. 22,500 first printing.
Preface Whether it is your career or your love life that needs improving, or maybe you just want more self-confidence, the next 30 days have been designed to radically change the way you feel, the thoughts you think, and the things you do.
For twenty years I searched for the true me. I had no idea who I was or what made me feel confused, overwhelmed, or unsatisfied. I constantly thought there must be something wrong with me. There wasn’t. I just didn’t have the skills to see the truth of who I really was.
Over the next 30 days, I am going to give you the skills you need in order to change your life from the ground up. Because I developed this process through my own healing and have seen millions of people use it to find their true selves, I know this stuff works. What took me twenty years will only take you 30 days if you are willing to focus on one thing a day.
And focus is what I had to have in order to change my life. In reality, most people want to alter some aspect of themselves but few are willing to move through the uncomfortable feelings and take the risks necessary to make the changes happen. If you aren’t sure you want to change, don’t read this book. This book is for those serious seekers who want more out of life.
I had to be serious if I was going to overcome my childhood. I am sure you too have had things happen that have been difficult for you to face. I understand. Yet, your past does not dictate your future. My past was a burden that, at times, seemed too heavy to bear. The blame, guilt, and shame I felt were paralyzing. I just didn’t think I was good enough.
Find my true self? I was afraid that that was my true self. I am so glad I was wrong.
My most challenging experience that precipitated my desire to change was hard to face as I grew up. My father didn’t love me, not the way you’d hope a father would. When I was fourteen years old I looked like I had it all together, but in reality, I wasn’t doing so well. My father and mother had recently separated and Father’s Day was coming up. I wasn’t thrilled to see my dad but I felt obligated. That’s when it happened: My father killed my mother and then himself right in front of me. From that day forward, I was frozen in fear that I wasn’t good enough. If I had been, wouldn’t he have stopped, or at least taken me, too? But there I was, very much alive and very afraid to go on.
I pray that nothing like that has happened to you. Yet, I know we can all relate to one another because we all have feelings. And feelings affect you regardless of how much money you make, your race, religion, or cultural heritage. I have yet to meet a person who has not experienced loneliness, feelings of stupidity, or shame. And not feeling good enough is the common thread that all humans can relate to.
Over the next 30 days, you are going to break down the barriers between success and peace of mind, as well as inner satisfaction and material wealth. Those qualities can all co-exist with each other. The challenge is that you must be willing to do the work when it doesn’t seem good or doesn’t seem easy.
If you are willing, you will learn that loving yourself has great rewards, and without it, love will feel impossible. You will discover that friends are vital to living without fear, while following your intuition is the pathway to truth.
Many people tell me that my books help them because they are profoundly simple. I don’t use fancy words or complicated examples. I don’t shame you into changing. I will never berate you or belittle you. Instead, inside these pages you will find the answers to questions that apply to you and your life. Put yourself in the shoes of every example, whether it be about a man or woman. Learn as much as you can from each page. Highlight the important statements and read them over and over. Answer the questions as you go along. Don’t be afraid. The answers are here. Let’s begin the journey that will change your life.
Day 1
A New Beginning
Congratulations. You have decided to embark on a sacred journey to find your true self. By picking up this book you have committed to making dramatic changes in your life in the next 30 days. I’m asking you to dedicate this month to yourself. This is not a selfish act; on the contrary, as you will learn in this book, it is the most unselfish act you can commit.
I believe that we all secretly yearn to make our lives better while being true to our essential self. To take on this task you might need to learn how to say no, create boundaries, give up people-pleasing, speak up, reignite your passion, find your purpose, let go of false friends and make new ones. Or the task might manifest itself in a more concrete way, like finding a dream job, committing to an exercise program, or falling head over heels in love. For me, being true to myself would include more intangible qualities such as more satisfaction, peace of mind, and self-love. I believe people compromise their dreams too quickly. The truth is you can have it all. You can have the external things you crave while fulfilling your soul’s desires if you can answer yes to the following questions:
1.·Are you willing to put personal integrity above a promise to another?
2.·Are you willing to listen to your heart while using your head?
3.·Are you willing to quit lying to yourself in order to start loving yourself?
4.·Are you willing to be authentic even if it means being vulnerable?
5.·Are you willing to invest in the life you have to get the life you want?
If you answered yes, being true to yourself is a top priority. New beginnings can happen only if you are willing to embrace your true self amid the scars of the past and your hopes for the future, while at the same time being truthful about the life you lead now.
Being true to yourself is not an easy task. What does being true to yourself mean? I think it is the essence of life. What other question wakes you up in the middle of the night, forcing you to examine the areas of your life where you have been lying to yourself or to someone else, and, ultimately, letting your soul down?
Stacey, a thirty-four-year-old antiques dealer, knew she wanted to change her life. Wearing a ’50s poodle skirt with her matching shoes and handbag, she could hardly sit still as we spoke about her dilemma.
“The antiques store I manage has been in my family for three generations. My whole family works there. My sister travels all over the country but mainly the Midwest, searching for antiques, my brother heads up the refinishing department, and my job is to make the store profitable. My mother and father still work at the store almost every day, even though I am now in charge of all the operations. They keep talking about retiring, but . . .” Stacey’s voice trailed off.
“It sounds like you are close with your family. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about?” I asked.
“Well, yes and no. I want to change my life but I just didn’t know where to start. My life is okay but I want more. I want it to be better. I want it to be great,” Stacey quickly explained.
I could tell she had high hopes and was praying that I could help her with her goal. I could. But what she didn’t realize was she would have to do most of the work. The work started with a simple question.
“Define great,” I asked.
Defining the words you use supports you in your quest for personal integrity. Do you mean what you say, or say something just for the sake of talking? I am always fascinated when a couple comes into my office to talk about love. Rarely have they defined it for themselves, yet they bat the word around and nod their heads as if they understand each other completely. Not me. I had to know her definition before I could help.
“I had never thought of defining great before,” she said with an air of uneasiness. She began to fidget with the pen in her hand.
“Defining a word makes it more real,” I explained. “It gives the word more weight, more value. If you wanted to have a better life, one that you call ‘great,’ then you better be willing to define it. So, Stacey, what do you mean by great?”
Stacey leaned toward me and began reciting her list of what would make up a great life. “Well, a great life would be taking more time out for me. I would let myself fall in love. I would live in the mountains near a lake. I wouldn’t care if I was perfect anymore. I wouldn’t think about work every minute of every day. I would relax more and have more fun. I might even get a dog or cat. And I definitely wouldn’t care so much about things that didn’t matter. Is that what you meant?” she asked.
I smiled. “Yes, that is a good start,” I said. “And what I heard you say is that you want more love and fun in your life. Is that right?”
“Yes.” Stacey sighed. “It almost seems selfish to want more, but I am just not as happy as I should be. I know I have a great job and good friends, but I am always running around doing things that I don’t want to do. Do you know what I mean?”
Oh, yes. I knew what Stacey meant. People who do a lot of things but with little meaning are an epidemic phenomenon nowadays. It has become a world of “should.” Most people come to the Fearless Living Institute for that very reason. They may not say it. But that is what they mean. Stacey was going to be all right.
Ask yourself the same question. You are reading this book to change your life in some way, but do you know which way? The more specific you can get, the more likely you will succeed. Being specific is an act of honesty. Can you be specific without allowing social definitions to get in your way?—or in other words, what you think the definition “should” be? When we get caught in the external trappings of success, our internal life will never be satisfied.
I asked Stacey to answer the following questions. If you want to get the most out of this book, answer them for yourself as well.
Being true to yourself would mean:
If you were true to yourself you could:...
