TerryAnn Fisher never dreamed she would outlive her son. In her compelling memoir, Conversations with my Son, she chronicles her life from the day she received the phone call that would change her life forever to the moment her son Troy took his last breath. This is the story of TerryAnn and Troy and their journey together. TerryAnn’s son, Troy, was diagnosed with AIDS when he applied for the Coast Guard and his mother hoped that the recruiter was kind when he revealed the blood test results to Troy. With an honest and self-disclosing style, TerryAnn chronicles Troy’s symptoms, his physical and emotional struggles, and her own fears. Conversations with my Son shares one mother’s poignant anecdotes with the hope that she can help others deal with the myriad of emotions that accompany caring for a terminally ill loved one.

Conversations with my Son

A DiaryBy TerryAnn Fisher Troy Michaels

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 TerryAnn Fisher
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-2997-5

Chapter One

Terry's Diary

Sunday October 11 (the following year)

I need to vent and get past all that's happened this summer so that I can move on.

I'm sure I'm going to find this to be dull reading someday, but, then, what's a diary to be ? For me, right now, it's an outlet for the stress that I am able, finally, to see at a distance.

It's been a traumatic summer. Now I have some spare time and the chance to write down what happened so I can put it behind me. I'd like to be objective and look toward the future.

First, a happy thought: in a few days, David and I will have been married fourteen years. Perhaps now we can look forward to being quietly together.

When we moved here a few years ago, we really did, oddly, believe that our lives would continue in the same way they did at the Grand Canyon: we'd continue to go to work every day, come home at night, spend time together, and get up and do it again. It just didn't turn out that way this year.

Mom and Dad came to visit in early June. What was going to be a short, happy trip turned out to a much longer, uncomfortable stay for them when Mom slipped and broke her right hip during a sightseeing trip to a small town south of here.

Dad slipped and fell twice at the motel where he was staying next to the hospital but, fortunately, suffered only a sprained ankle.

While Mom was in the hospital, I was laid off from my security job at State University. More city police officers were brought on campus. The last seven security officers hired were given a choice of going to the custodial department or getting unemployment. I chose unemployment.

I wonder how many other people have moved someplace thinking that the job they moved for would last forever. It does help, actually, knowing that I'm not the only person who has done that, but it doesn't change my mind about wanting another job as soon as possible.

After Mom had recuperated enough to fly back to Arizona, she and Dad had to wait all day in the airport for a bigger plane to arrive. It turned out that, even though I had been told by the airline that she would not have trouble getting onto the plane, there was no lift available for her original flight and she could not climb the stairs.

There was a highlight, though ... Troy came to visit in August.

Although he looked tired and thin, he seemed to walk easily from the airport arrival gate to the car. He has always enjoyed flying, so I think it was a treat for him to be able to come for a visit.

He brought me a tea set of a mother rabbit for the teapot and two baby rabbits, one for sugar and one for milk. All are black and white and so cute. He said that he had seen them in tea set shop and "heard them calling his name", so he bought them for me. He had a nice smile with that statement. Thank goodness he has a sense of humor!

One day we went to the big mall in town and he bought me a Pocket Dragon. Its name is actually "Stalking the Cookie Jar", but I'll call it Cookie. I put it on the window sill in front of the sink.

One evening the two of us went to a mystery dinner theatre. It was held in one of the historic houses in town. The house had a big porch on the front where we had dinner after the mystery tour throughout the house. Although Troy and I were members in the audience, we were incorporated into the production as Mr. Holmes and Dr. Watson. Troy was asked to give a speech at dinner as Mr. Holmes. We were both surprised. The lady across from me leaned toward me and asked if we were actually members of the play. I said no. The dinner is such a nice memory after having been upset the rest of the summer.

Troy stayed for about two weeks.

So today I am remembering those good and sad memories.

Monday October 12

It seems that maybe it really will be fall, my favorite season. It's another day of cool, fresh air.

Here I am, now sitting at the picnic table in our front yard with a glass of tea by my pad. I can sit quietly and write and enjoy the weather. There is something about fall that gives me a strange pleasant, grounded type of feeling. Fall lets me know that life is the same, season after season, with the regularity of life in general. In a strange way, it makes me feel safe. I don't know if it's the soft sound of falling leaves hitting the ground, the crisp smell, or just what it is, but there is definitely something comforting about the season, even if I can't identify it.

We have typical Midwest weather here, not as pretty as in the East or in the Western mountain areas. The colors are subtle and rather muddy looking because of the more moderate temperatures which don't seem to change much. There are still muted yellow, red, and orange leaves, though, so we do get to see some bright fall color.

Our yard tends toward green until the leaves slowly change color here and there. When the leaves finally fall the branches begin to look stark against the sky.

But the feel and clean smell is definitely fall, letting us know that winter will be arriving before long.

It's been a busy day so far. I went to the post office to mail more rsums and to the bank and to town to fill out a job application at the hospital for a receptionist position. I took a typing test at another place, ate lunch at the diner downtown, and finally came home. Rushing from place to place is probably going to be the story of my life for a while, though I can only hope that things will become better than they have been this year so far.

While I've been sitting here, a large flock of medium-sized black birds has flown down from the north. They're sitting in the trees, squawking and yelling to each other. Suddenly they'll be gone, migrating someplace else. It reminds me of an Indian belief that when a large flock of birds arrives, something bad is happening or going to happen. So far today everything seems fine; except now there's the somewhat eerie feeling of Hitchcock's movie.

My father called a couple nights ago and said that while he was lifting my mother's wheelchair into the car, one of the steel rods he had to have put into his back several years ago had broken. He will have to have the rod replaced. A friend took him to the doctor, who made an appointment for the operation on October 23. I'd like to visit them after they find out what will happen if Daddy needs to go for a long stay in the hospital. Mother will need rides to Tucson.

Troy called last night about his visit to his father and sister. He said that he had a good time, but that he was so exhausted while he was in the St. Louis airport that he forgot whether he was going to Ohio or coming from Ohio. He ended up missing his plane to Chicago. Also, he was having trouble breathing. The airline provided him with a wheelchair, though, and rescheduled him on a flight an hour later. After telling me all that he said he thinks I'm relaxed and easygoing and that it is easy to talk to me. I think that little does he know that all I want to do is scream, "I can't handle this!"

I remember when he called me at the Grand Canyon years ago and told me he had AIDS. I couldn't believe it and wouldn't admit that he would be dying someday, possibly even before me. He said he found out when he had applied for the Coast Guard and had to take a blood test. I can only hope that the recruiter was kind and sensitive when he told Troy that he had the virus.

Troy's sister, Teresa, called and said that she and her father have ordered Troy some expedition-type long underwear. It's back-ordered, though. They were upset about how he looked when he visited and said I hadn't warned them enough. I had told them that he was sick, but I guess I didn't stress how sick he looks. Did I not notice when he visited us in August? Have I been denying how sick he really is?

I seem to just be going on and on. I wonder if I'm going to want to keep this to remember what has happened this summer or throw it away so I can just forget! I ask myself, who else can I "write" to? I can't complain to David or my friends about the same thing all the time!

Tuesday October 13

I went to town today and bought Troy a pair of really cute brown and white St. Bernard dog slippers, some mixed-wool socks, and a couple pairs of long underwear. I'll mail everything tomorrow so he'll have it to use while he's waiting for the back-ordered long underwear from Teresa and their father. It's cold in his apartment.

Thursday October 15

The man who was director of the AIDS Project when I started volunteering there several years ago died yesterday. His memorial service is today, but I don't think I'll go.

It's 3:51 pm and beautiful, beautiful out. But there are dark clouds in the south. Between all the black birds the other day and all the clouds today I wonder what that means. I am probably being superstitious. So there are birds and clouds. Aren't there "always" ?! I'm sure I'm being silly and am probably depressed since I don't have a job right now.

A year ago today, I was on my way to Chicago to visit Troy. I took a bus and a train. I really enjoyed the train ride. The bus ride was just long and cramped.

Chapter Two

Friday October 16

Troy is in the hospital!!!

He's been there since yesterday but didn't call me. I found out when I called his apartment tonight, and J, the fellow he shares the apartment with, answered the phone and told me. I had called J, actually, rather than Troy since I'd been concerned about him since the St. Louis Airport incident. I didn't want him to think I'm over-mothering him, though. I wanted J's opinion about whether or not I should encourage Troy to quit work. He's worked every day; no disability insurance, no staying home. It's quite an accomplishment for someone who has been as sick apparently as he must have been getting.

I thought I could suggest that Troy might want to come here or go to Dayton to rest and maybe volunteer a little. I could look into some financial help here so he wouldn't feel dependent. I guess that now it's not something that he will need to think about until he gets out of the hospital. We can see how he feels then and what he wants to do.

Troy has Kaposi's of the mouth and lungs, plus some kind of pneumonia. He's in the hospital so he can have some kind of tests done.

Saturday October 17

Troy called earlier this morning to let me know how he is. He didn't sound as if he is concerned about being in the hospital. He acted as if this is just something that the doctor wanted to do to monitor him.

It's David's and my fourteenth wedding anniversary. We hadn't planned on doing anything particular or exciting. Last week, we did talk about maybe going out to eat tonight or to see a movie tomorrow. In Arizona we would probably have gone to Prescott or maybe even to Laughlin. Right now, though, I'd prefer to just stay home and wait for another call from Troy.

How can I stay here right now, though, and not get up and go to Chicago and see what's happening?

Maybe I just can't admit that Troy is as sick as he may be and want to wait until he calls me to tell me to come up.

I could apply for unemployment there and look for a temporary job and be there till he gets better. It is so difficult to think clearly and to make what seem to be rational decisions.

Later ...

Troy called me about 9:30 pm and asked if I was sitting down. He is being taken to Intensive Care because he's not getting enough oxygen in his blood. Visiting hours are for fifteen minutes, every two hours.

Chapter Three

Sunday October 18

I've taken a train to Chicago after a bus ride to St. Louis. I love trains, but it's really sad that this time the reason was not for pleasure. The sound and the rolling motion, which is usually so nice, just kept seeming to say, "Let's go faster. Let's go faster."

I took a cab to Troy's apartment. I could have taken the El but felt that I would be too confused and would be wasting my time trying to find my way around. I can take the El into the city when I leave, but that may be a long time from now. Obviously, I don't know what I'm going to be doing or what is going to be happening. I can't plan ahead yet.

I like Chicago. It seems like a small town to me even though I don't know how to get everywhere yet. Fortunately, visiting last year helped since Troy and I walked around his neighborhood and downtown and went to Chinatown, where we had lunch. So I have some idea of where I am. I was even able to tell the cab driver where we needed to turn when he couldn't find the street. It is such a sad trip this time without Troy to meet me at the train and laugh when we're together.

When I left last year to come home, we got off the El and walked a little down the street before Troy said to stop. He moved off the sidewalk to the street and waved down a cab. It was like being in a movie.

On the way to the hospital I asked a police officer for directions. He kept giving me intersection information or something. Turns out that Chicago uses block number intersection directions or something like that. I just didn't understand. All I wanted to do was cry. It's very confusing if you don't know where the streets are to begin with. I guess I haven't lived here long enough to understand what I was being told.

I kept walking and finally found an El station. Sitting in what looked like a phone booth in the dark shade of the El was a ticket issuer, who gave me directions on where to get off and on the El. He even told me welcome to Chicago!

I finally found the hospital and visited Troy. I'm sure he must be scared, but I didn't ask him. He's always been thin but seems even thinner than he was when he visited David and me in August, if that's possible. He doesn't know how long he'll be in the hospital.

There is so much to think about what to do. I think I will be staying here in town for awhile. I will need to check in with unemployment on a courtesy claim about getting a job here. I'll also need to see about getting Home Health to stay with Troy while I work. He can rest and then decide if he wants to live with David and me or go to Ohio to stay with Teresa and his dad. I can't imagine that he's strong enough to go back to work.

Chapter Four

Monday October 19

Troy was moved from Intensive Care to a big sunny room on a regular nursing floor since he's doing better. But about 11:30 tonight he called the apartment and asked J to bring me to the hospital right away!!!

He'd had a panic attack when he was coming out of the bathroom. The oxygen meter came off his thumb and was making the loud noise it does when not attached. He said he kept thinking, "I'm alive!" but the machine kept beeping and beeping and beeping. I offered to stay all night (he has a private room), but he said he'd be all right now that he knows how the meter works.

Tuesday October 20

I visited with Troy, and we just generally hung out. Well, as much as people can do in a hospital when one of them is a patient. He looks okay, and the nurses are keeping an eye on his breathing.

Although it is not that far from the hospital by bus, it's a long, lonely trip back to the apartment.

Chapter Five

Wednesday October 21

8:30 am

I'm going to go to the unemployment office today. One of Troy's friends will take me over since I don't know where it is. I'll take the bus back to the hospital.

I am so scared, though!!! Unless I get back to my normal reactions, the agents at the unemployment office are going to think I'm on drugs!!!

I called Troy rather than going to the hospital first. He said rather stiffly to call back this afternoon.

Evening ...

The unemployment agent was very helpful. Both the agent and the man at the El station were so nice to me. It's like they cared even though they don't know me.

I will stay all night at the hospital tonight. Just before I got ready to leave, Troy asked if I would stay, so I'll sleep in his room on some chairs pushed together.

Chapter Six

Thursday October 22

It's Mom and Dad's 60th anniversary.

Since I stayed in the hospital last night, I went back to the apartment a while ago to pick up some clothes. Staying with Troy will be much more comfortable than trying to sleep at his apartment. All I do is worry.

I'm glad I stayed last night. It seemed like Troy's oxygen alarm went off all the time. He would relax and his breathing would slow down, and the alarm would go off. At least I was there to talk to him and reassure him that he was okay and still alive.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Conversations with my Sonby TerryAnn Fisher Troy Michaels Copyright © 2010 by TerryAnn Fisher. Excerpted by permission.
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