10 Critical Strategies for Finding Fulfillment in a Hectic World
By Julie O'KeeffeAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Julie O'Keeffe, ACC
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4567-5626-0 Contents
Foreword......................................................................ixPreface.......................................................................xiAcknowledgements..............................................................xviiIntroduction..................................................................xixBe Resourceful in Balancing Priorities........................................1Put Your Fears Aside..........................................................4Update Your Identity to Reflect Your Current Capabilities.....................8Develop Your Resiliency.......................................................10Do the Fun Things in Life Now.................................................13Get Real about Your Goals.....................................................16Take a Second Look at Obstacles...............................................19Put Your Values into Action...................................................22Walk Over Boundaries..........................................................26Expect Adversity in Your Adventures...........................................29Bonus Strategy: Live in a Judgment-Free Zone..................................32About Coach Julie.............................................................35
Chapter One
Be Resourceful in Balancing Priorities
Sometimes it seems like we only have time to focus on one or two priorities, so we attend to them at the expense of others. Neglecting priorities almost always catches up with us and we end up spending more time dealing with the consequences than the initial issue would have required.
Life would be better if we just had more control, right? The fact is, there are often more options than we realize. It might only take a bit of creativity and a fresh perspective to discover the choices that are actually within our control.
Outrageous brainstorming and resourcefulness
To break through your sense of being "locked up" by your life, try a technique with a friend called outrageous brainstorming. The strategy consists of two steps. First, come up with crazy, off-the-wall ways to solve a problem. The more unrealistic or impractical, the better. The point is to go so far outside reasonable boundaries that the real boundaries don't seem so immovable. Doing this breaks the tension and allows you to see your circumstances with a fresh perspective.
Say you'd like to start a running routine in the morning but it interferes with rousing your seven- and nine-year old kids from bed and helping them get breakfast. Maybe you hire Rachael Ray to cook breakfast. Or, you send your kids to the neighbor's house to steal food off the table. Or, you give the kids diet pills to suppress their appetite. You get the idea.
Secondly, take a more practical look at your present circumstances. View the situation from every angle. Consider assumptions that might be false. Remove these assumptions just for a minute and see what possibilities surface. Consider resources that might be available to you. Your new frame of mind will allow you to think more expansively and with a greater sense of empowerment.
With the example above, maybe the kids could help you cut up fruit every night to grab from the fridge in the morning. You could move the microwave within arm's reach so they can heat up their own oatmeal. You could offer the nine-year-old a movie rental once a week if she will supervise breakfast. To get the kids out of bed, perhaps they are old enough to take some responsibility for this task, too. Let them each pick out a fun alarm clock at the store and practice using it for a week. Then let them go solo.
We often overestimate our own importance and need for involvement. We can't imagine certain tasks without our presence. Well, imagine it! Imagine the freedom it brings and the healthy changes that can result, not just for you, but often for others as well. Consider how your children might grow from the new challenge and achieve a greater sense of self-sufficiency and skill mastery.
Apply it to your life
The next time you're with a friend, ask her to help you do some outrageous brainstorming around a priority that has slipped off the radar. Let go of the wrinkle-causing worry for a minute and just have fun. Break free of the tension, look at the situation with fresh eyes, and give yourself permission to solve the problem.
Then implement the solution, without guilt! Explain to individuals who might be impacted the reason for the change and the importance of trying the new approach. Explain how they might benefit.
Model the behavior of someone who wants to live their best life! And be that person!
Put Your Fears Aside
How many of life's decisions have you made based on fear and your need for certainty? You might gain peace of mind by knowing exactly what will happen but on the flip side, it's also very limiting. It's possible to squeeze more out of life and still feel some sense of safety. It's a two-step process: testing your limits and recalibrating.
Test your limits
Each of us has a natural balancing point between safety and risk. You might be willing to jump from a three-foot ledge but not a six-foot ledge. Somewhere between three feet and six feet is the tipping point, the point at which you are uncomfortable taking the risk.
So first, test your limits. It will allow you to locate the tipping point. Do you want to try jumping from four feet? Or perhaps start with three feet six inches and work your way up. You see, you can find your limits any way you want. It's usually not an "all or nothing" proposition. Just try a little of what you believe makes you nervous and test it.
By testing your limits, you might learn that you are capable of more than you think. Not surprising, right? Yet we all go through life making assumptions about our limits, forcing tight boundaries around us that are unnecessary. Loosen up these boundaries and you have more room to breathe. More room to be curious. More room to grow.
Recalibrate
Second, recalibrate. With this process, you move the tipping point. If you continue to jump just a little beyond your comfort zone each time, you will feel more and more comfortable with every jump. Before you know it, it will require a greater height to make you feel uneasy. That's recalibrating.
We recalibrate in life all the time. We change our concept of our ideal weight as we move from youth to age 20, 30, and 40. We change our concept of quality, such that the "expensive" watch we bought at age 10 with our allowance may not seem so cool at age 16. We adjust to life's changing framework.
Impact
If you've ever been around successful individuals who seem immune to problems that would be difficult for rest of us, that immunity is simply each person's recalibration in action. Their definition of what constitutes a problem has evolved over time as they've exposed themselves to more challenging situations. They can handle more, because it doesn't feel overwhelming. They have adjusted.
Your fears
What is the next big decision you want to make in your life? Look at the options available to you and identify the fears and risks that you associate with each one. You can't always jump off a ledge to test your limits, so perhaps sit down with a pencil and paper and jot down some thoughts about each option. See if you can find your tipping point, being completely honest with yourself, rather than making general assumptions about your capability. Then check whether any of your options become more possible and less frightening.
Now, still looking at the options available to you, consider a way to engage in one or more activities that seem a bit risky or make you uncomfortable. Go beyond that need for certainty and explore just a bit. That means going to a Weight Watchers® meeting despite embarrassment, attending the neighborhood book club meeting despite a lack of acquaintances, and asking someone out on a date despite fear of rejection. If you survive the first time, try it a second time. Then a third. Focus on the aspects of the activity that are pleasurable. This will allow you to build up some tolerance for the uncomfortable part and soon you may find that you have recalibrated and can actually enjoy yourself due to your new perspective. What was hard becomes easy. What was scary begins to feel safe.
So get over yourself already
Fear is all about not knowing what is going to happen. Success is all about embracing uncertainty and learning to feel safe in the process.
What fears are you ready to put aside? Start now and experience a fuller life with more fun and adventure along the way. Don't miss out!
Update Your Identity to Reflect Your Current Capabilities
How do you describe yourself? Some labels are easy, such as mother, employee, student, or accountant. But how else do you define yourself and does it help or hinder you?
Your identity may be set in the past, based on old assumptions of yourself. Do you still fit that mold or have you changed? Can you still run 400 meters in 55 seconds? Do you still tell bad jokes? Does a statement like "I'm happiest when surrounded by x or y" still ring true? Does a past relationship still limit your belief about what you have to offer?
The "truths" we carry around
Our sense of identity is largely defined by where we've been. We've been shaped into who we are today by the roads we've traveled down in our lives, the people and events along the way, and the conclusions we've drawn from each experience.
Let's say when you were 10, you walked into a gas station with a friend, only to have the attendant make some bigoted remark. It may not have affected you, but it may have gnawed at your friend. Her story, her sense of who she is, may now include that incident and the "truth" that she took away from the experience. Her truth might be that gas station attendants are uncaring, that it's important to take the high road, that she herself is undeserving, or that bigotry is dangerous. If she chooses to incorporate any of these truths into her life's story, it shapes her identity.
Rework your story
We actually have choices when it comes to which events and people we allow to contribute to our identity. We each have millions of experiences in our past. Which experiences and truths have you kept with you? What if you were to take a box full of all your experiences, dump them on the floor, and then sort through the pile and choose a different combination of people, events, conclusions, and truths? Perhaps you'd de-emphasize some of the awkward moments in your life and highlight some proud moments that had faded in your memory.
It's your coloring book and you get to pick the crayons. Who are you, really? How strong are you? What are you capable of? What are you proud of? When do you dance and slide across the floor in your socks and underwear? What do you value most about yourself?
Embrace Versions 2.0, 3.0, 4.0
You get to choose your identity. Don't get stuck in the past. It doesn't matter what your parents think, how you've failed, or what went wrong. Cast aside outdated beliefs, old guilt, and negative labels. Who are you today? You get to choose.
Develop Your Resiliency
What's the difference between resiliency and Teflon®? Teflon doesn't let anything penetrate. Resiliency develops as a result of the penetration.
Resiliency is the ability to withstand the heartaches of life. It's moving through a traumatic period, surviving death, divorce, job loss, and all the disappointments that can throw us off kilter.
Resiliency manifests itself as strength of character. The most durable camping gear I own has been put to the test under a variety of conditions. The material is worn but the seams are strong. The most durable people I know have overcome tremendous obstacles thrown in their path. They have scars, but their integrity is rock solid.
I have a friend who broke his nose playing basketball not once, but twice, many years ago. He asked me whether I thought he should get it fixed. I said, "Of course not. It defines your whole face." Something about that crooked nose conveys to me his ability to surface after a struggle, embrace insights, and gracefully move on. Having his nose straightened would somehow remove an outward testament to his experience and resiliency.
Three ways to get there
How can we each develop resiliency? Here are a few ideas. Try to do them as often as possible.
Let things stick. Be the opposite of Teflon. Allow yourself to experience the highs and lows of life. It's only when we embrace our emotions that we can learn from them. Sweeping things under the rug and pushing emotions aside may seem like a good coping mechanism, but it's unhealthy and leads to stress-related illness and depression.
Show compassion. Lighten the load by approaching situations with compassion. If someone seems to be making your life difficult, look for a positive, universal truth related to human behavior. For example, imagine how John may have been hurt during his divorce. Perhaps that is the cause of his anger now. Imagine how Sarah may have cared for her mother during her decline. Perhaps that is the cause of her resistance to change now.
We all want the same things out of life. It's just that we each get a little jostled along the way and our gears can get out of sync. Compassion helps us appreciate the universality of struggle and strength of human spirit. It's the awareness you need to build resiliency.
Be willing to fail. It's natural to be disappointed from past failures and our inability to solve a particular problem. Accept failure as the opportunity to grow. If a one-year-old child were to give up after stumbling through her first steps, she'd never learn to walk. Each step is a small win. As adults, each of our "failed" relationships is a small win, each marathon we don't complete, each job we leave, each rejected grant proposal. We learn from all of them. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.
Don't wait any longer
Resiliency is about acceptance, insight, and action. About recognizing the good stuff sitting right in front of us, despite wounds still healing.
So look up. Look up, scan the horizon, and take the next step forward.
Do the Fun Things in Life Now
You may have heard of the movie The Bucket List with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, where two terminally-ill men escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die.
So really, do we need to wait that long, until it's almost too late, to go after all the things we dream about?
Have you always wanted to visit India? Or the Grand Canyon? Or take scuba diving lessons? Or plan a reunion with all your cousins back at the lake where you used to spend your summers?
Here's my suggestion: do it now.
Remove Obstacles
Write down the barriers that stand in your way: money, time, lack of a partner to do an activity with, a possible relocation, parenting responsibilities ... Then get creative about removing or managing the barriers.
Make the time. Admit it, you can make time when you need to. If you've ever had surgery and spent time recovering, you know that matters can either wait or someone else can take care of them. That means you can take that trip to India without your world falling apart back home.
Ease up on the requirements. Consider which parts of your desired experience are essential and which you can jettison. You may be waiting on pieces of the puzzle that are unnecessary. Remove those variables from the equation and your goal may be easier than you think. When I wanted to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, I couldn't find anyone to go with me. I finally concluded I could manage on my own. And I did!
Be flexible. Allow for some latitude in the experience itself. Don't become irrationally attached to a specific plan. When I found the opportunity to go hiking in New Zealand, it was too late to book hut-to-hut lodging along my preferred route. I ended up on another trail just as nice.
Make financial trade-offs or save up. There's no way around the money issue. You'll need to find it somewhere. Perhaps it's more important to follow your passion than remodel the bathroom. Research shows that money makes us happier if we spend it on experiences and other people, not gadgets and fast cars. What can you live without?
Stop wavering and buy the ticket. If your trip includes air travel, go online, find some flights, and click on "purchase now." Your hands might get sweaty, you might need to walk around the kitchen or gulp down some wine, but come back, sit down, and take the leap. With the opportunity for indecision behind you, you can start to get excited and enjoy the anticipation.
Finally, for some of you out there who might feel guilt, give up on the idea that you need to "earn" your experience. Start believing that you have one life—this one chance to soak up all the sunsets and margaritas you can!
So are you ready to live a little? Start the conversations and make the phone calls needed to get moving. Figure out the steps involved and tackle them one by one. Don't stop until you hear someone announcing "Please fasten your seat belts."
Get Real about Your Goals
You come home from work, plop down on the couch, and this fleeting thought runs through your head, so fast you're barely conscious of it: "If things were different I would be _____." Insert your own desire here.
Over the years the voice of your desires has faded like a cherished European train ticket stub from college days. Yeah, back in the day when life was easy. Well, the truth is it wasn't easy, we just worked harder on our desires!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from 10 Critical Strategies for Finding Fulfillment in a Hectic Worldby Julie O'Keeffe Copyright © 2011 by Julie O'Keeffe, ACC. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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