As a pediatrician since 1983, I have noticed that over the last two decades, parents have forgotten what it means to make the right decisions for the well being of their children. Modern parents think that if the child cries, they must immediately do something to stop the cry, even if doing so leads to harmful consequences. Because of that, we have a society full with children that are disrespectful, misbehaved, obese, and socially not able to adapt. My book is called the "crystoppers", ( i..e. parents that concentrate on "making sure" that their child does not cry) or a practical guide for wise parenting. There are "Three Spheres" of parental control that apply to all ages: Sphere 1.- Sleep: from birth to high school parents have the duty to teach and enforce in their children appropriate sleeping skills in order for them to rest and have the energy to succeed on their daily activities. Sphere 2.- Behavioral/ social. Since the first few weeks of life and into adulthood your child will try to obtain from you different things in all aspects of life (sleep, concessions related to games, toys and activities, and in particular food items). The majority of these requests are obviously not in the child's best interest. To succeed, they utilize many resources; from whining, temper tantrums, aggressive behavior, to hugs and kisses, to blackmail or making the parents feel guilty. Giving into them causes serious social and health related problems. Aggressiveness leads to injuries, bulling, and even expulsion from school. Later on in life could lead to criminal behavior and trouble with the law. Sphere 3.- nutritional: catering to picky eating habits lead to an array of health issues. Childhood obesity, teenage diabetes, short stature, weakness, inability to do well in school. In the long term it increases the chances of the young adult to develop heart disease, cancer, stroke etc. If you follow the recommendations found in thi
CRYSTOPPERS
A PLAY BY PLAY GUIDE FOR WISE PARENTINGBy Y. Aaron KaweblumAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 Y. Aaron Kaweblum M.D. F.A.A.P.
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4567-3102-1Contents
Chapter I: Introduction..........................................................1Chapter II: Is Your Baby Intelligent And Capable From Birth?.....................9Chapter III: How Are You Perceived By Your Baby?.................................11Chapter IV: Parental Abuse.......................................................13Chapter V: Crystopping Prevention Guide By Ages..................................16Chapter VI: Six To Twelve Months Of Age..........................................30Chapter VII: First Birthday 12-15 Months Of Age..................................43Chapter VIII: Age 24 Months To Three Years.......................................51Chapter IX: Toilet Training......................................................64Chapter X: New Siblings..........................................................69Chapter XI: Day Care.............................................................72Chapter XII: Elementary School...................................................80Chapter XIII: Pre Teen And Teenage Years.........................................83Chapter XIV: Adulthood...........................................................90
Chapter One
INTRODUCTION
What is happening to discipline in this generation? What is happening to our teenagers? Why is it that we have the most unhealthy children in the entire world? Two thirds of our children are overweight. Our young adults have an unusually high incidence of heart disease, obesity, diabetes and chronic conditions that are the result of unhealthy habits because of poor parenting during the first years of life.
On top of the health risks of poor parenting, we are raising a generation of children unable to cope with frustrations. Children are aggressive, not only towards other children, but to their own parents. As an active pediatrician, I have even seen the emergence of a new social ailment, parental abuse.
For each unfortunate case of parents abusing their children, there are thousands of children abusing their parents. Society has created a mindset that makes parents think that it is a sin to allow a child to cry. As a result, parents stop parenting, and become "Crystoppers."
A Crystopper is a parent or parents who make important decisions regarding their children's care, health and well-being that are based solely on the parents' desire to make their children happy and appease them immediately.
The poor choices are the result of parenting decisions that are made only to stop the crying, screaming or tantrum that the child is in the middle of.
Crystopper decisions create an unhealthy relationship in which parents act and behave like servants, slaves or robots and not like wise guardians who create a loving and safe family that enables the child to grow emotionally, cognitively and physically.
NEED FOR WISE PARENTING
I have been a pediatrician since 1980. I have seen many physical illnesses. With new technology, medications and vaccinations, we have made significant progress in the improvement and maintenance of our children's health.
Medical students are taught everything possible about how to manage pediatric illness. Yet, they are taught very little about instructing parents in making wise decisions for their children. After practicing pediatric medicine for over 25 years, I decided to write this guide to help cultivate a culture of true parenting instead of parents who just react to their children's cries and therefore become Crystoppers.
Since the first years of a child's life, wise parents ensure that their children listen to them and do what they are told. Parents should be firm and loving and consistently guide their children to help them develop their individual gifts.
A wise parent follows three very simple rules:
1) If something is bad for your child DON'T DO IT, regardless of crying, whining, hugs, kisses or blackmail.
2) If something is good for your child DO IT, regardless of crying, whining, hugs kisses or blackmail.
3) Never say "I will try." If something needs to be done, DO IT. Like Yoda said: "do or do not, there is no try."
DIVORCE AND CRYSTOPPING
The following chapters will discuss the consequences on a child's life of being a Crystopper instead of being wise parents. In addition to the immediate consequences, very few consider the effects of Crystopper behavior on a marriage.
When a couple decides to get married, with all the good intentions and expectation that they will "grow old together," they believe that having a baby will bring them closer together, and serve to strengthen their relationship.
But even the typical demands of child-raising can distract parents from the needs of one another. Suffice it to say, when one parent is devoting 110% to their child's every wish and command, their attendance to the needs of their spouse will most assuredly suffer. Devoting that much attention is not only a drain on the parent's time but his energy as well, leaving nothing for his spouse. The effect of this is often resentment, and in some cases jealousy, of the attention given to the child.
A classic example of this phenomenon is allowing a child to sleep in the parents' bed for an extended period of time. While it will most assuredly appease the child, it severely interferes with couple's privacy and intimacy.
Children need and deserve attention, love and guidance. However, if parents don't agree with one another, there cannot be true love.
When a parent becomes a Crystopper who inappropriately consents to a child's behavior, a pathologic relationship develops that leads to serious health, social and mental repercussions for the child and the parents. Ultimately it will severely damage the marriage.
Over the last few years, I have seen an alarming increase of divorce and have witnessed firsthand the dysfunctional emotional, mental and physical consequences it has on children. It is hard to believe but many parents get divorced because of Crystopper behavior. Ironically, divorce only makes Crystopper behavior worse.
Inevitably, it is the children who end up in the middle of bitter fights among divorced parents. There are always arguments about the weekend assignments to watch the children, and former spouses tend to compete with one another, trying to buy their children's love. The end result is that divorced parents become the worst Crystoppers, creating an opening for their children to manipulate not only their parents, but all the adults in their lives.
THREE AREAS REQUIRING TOTAL PARENTAL CONTROL
There are three spheres of control that parents must conquer in order to successfully raise their children. These spheres apply from birth and continue all the way through high school. I will discuss how to deal with the three areas with regards to different age groups in the following chapters.
SPHERE 1: NOCTURNAL SLEEPING
Parents should be capable of teaching their children to have an independent, uninterrupted night sleep. Babies should begin to do this in the first few months of their lives. Babies and toddlers should not be roaming around after 8 or 9 p.m. It is distressing to see numerous children and toddlers, and their exhausted, sleep-deprived parents that have not slept through the night since their child's infancy. This is not at all the children's fault; the fault lies with the Crystopper parents.
It is heartbreaking to see children that are not capable of sleeping in their own room for the entire night.
Many children don't have scheduled sleeping habits and fail to go to bed easily. These children are whiny, moody, temperamental, disobedient, misbehaved, disrespectful and even physically aggressive.
As a consequence, sleep problems could continue through adolescence, seriously affecting performance in school, energy levels and athletic abilities.
Moreover, when parents are unable to have a restful night, they lack the ability to have private time as a couple, causing tension that may lead to troubled marriages. Additionally, a parent who has not slept is less-equipped to deal with her children during the day, and will, as a result, make poor decisions regarding her child's health and well-being.
SPHERE 2: BEHAVIORAL & TEMPERAMENTAL
This is an area that parents find very difficult to control. In order to succeed, you have to believe and be convinced that your children are intelligent and capable of manipulation since the first few days of their lives.
From the first few days of a baby's life, parents realize the child has the ability to control them completely. When a baby is happy and relaxed in the parent's arms, and then cries immediately the second he is put down and stops as soon as he is picked up, it's clear he has learned quite a bit.
The baby has already discovered that crying will get the results he wants and that parents will hold him for a very long time just to avoid hearing him cry. Later on, he will probably learn that whining and temper tantrums achieve the same result.
These behavioral problems continue into adolescence, turning an undisciplined child into a troubled teenager. I have seen many cases where the police were required to intervene in order to discipline a young adult.
These are the children we see in restaurants, planes, supermarkets and cinemas who scream, throw temper tantrums and are basically out of control. As incredible as it sounds, this is a problem in more than 90% of households. Again, this is not the fault of the children, but the responsibility of the parents who allowed and continue to allow this type of behavior. This is the result of Crystopping.
SPHERE 3: NUTRITIONAL
There is a national epidemic of childhood obesity and poor eating habits. It is not rare to see 5 year old children who are 30-40 lbs. overweight. The majority of children acquire 95% of their daily caloric intake from carbohydrates, i.e. sugars. This unhealthy diet leads to serious medical problems, both during early childhood, teenage years and adulthood, with the potential of shortening a life span by as much as 5-15 years.
Over the last few years I have seen a significant number of children and teenagers with Diabetes Type II; also known as Adult Onset Diabetes. This condition is caused by obesity.
Every wellness check-up, and even during regular office visits, I try to convince parents how crucial it is to establish a healthy lifestyle during the first few years of life. Unfortunately, very often I notice children that are significantly overweight as early as 2-5 years of age.
Obviously most parents agree with me that unhealthy eating habits have serious consequences for their child's well-being. They also agree that if the family's lifestyle does not change, the child could develop obesity diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, etc.
However, as soon as they go back home their Crystopper instinct takes over. Very soon they forget their commitment to change their lifestyles at home. They believe in a healthful life, but are unable to commit to leading one and the consequence is that their child develops serious health issues.
Besides affecting children's health and longevity, an unhealthy lifestyle may also inhibit a child's growth, preventing them from reaching their genetic height.
Short stature could cause psychological problems, and diminish their self-esteem.
This very dangerous trend is also 100% the fault of parents.
Children that grow up to become unhealthy adults as a result of an inappropriate lifestyle during their upbringing will frequently confront and accuse their parents of being responsible for their poor health and for a potential premature death.
VACCINATIONS
Originally I was not going to discuss vaccinations in this parenting guide. However, over the last decade I have learned that far too often enough parents make decisions regarding immunizations for their children based on unreliable advice from family and friends, or from the internet.
In the beginning of the book I mentioned that the basic rules of parenting are:
1) If something is bad for your child, DO NOT DO IT.
2) If something is good for your child, DO IT.
Vaccinations belong to the basic rule: IF IT IS GOOD FOR YOUR CHILD, DO IT.
As you know, many deadly diseases have been eradicated from the world, such as smallpox and polio, by the introduction of vaccines.
However, measles, a disease that almost vanished from the western hemisphere, has come back with a vengeance. Why? Over the last decade, parents have believed a false charge, spread by a British physician, that the measles vaccine could lead to autism. His statements regarding the link between the measles vaccine and autism have been proven groundless and many international studies have shown this theory to completely false. As a result, and the damage it has done to millions of children worldwide, the doctor has been discredited and his medical license has been revoked.
Alarmingly, the decline in measles vaccinations has led to unnecessary deaths and many more wild measles virus infections, causing children to suffer brain damage.
Trust your pediatrician when you are advised about vaccines; failure to immunize your child is like playing Russian roulette with your child's life.
During the early 1980's, I was doing a check up on a 2-month-old baby. When I completed my examination I told the mother that the baby needed the vaccinations required for that age. To my surprise, the mother refused based on the advice of her brother, a chiropractor. She said he told her that vaccines in the USA were part of a government "conspiracy" to inoculate children with toxic, experimental products.
I tried to educate her again at the following check-up. Despite my best efforts, I was unable to convince her. Eventually she got upset by my insistence and changed to another pediatrician more receptive to her point of view. A few months later I learned her son was diagnosed with a bacterial brain infection that would have been 100% preventable if she would have agreed to give her son that vaccine. Her son survived, but as a consequence became mentally challenged and partially deaf.
In my pediatric practice we do not accept patients who are not immunized. Vaccinations prevent many of the most deadly viral and bacterial infections. As a pediatrician, when I am on call, I often get after hours urgent calls from parents of a child with fever or other unusual symptoms. It is reassuring to know that these children were properly immunized. Otherwise, the child's life could be in great danger.
There are many things in life that we cannot control, such as a natural disaster or a car accident. However, if a child dies from a vaccine preventable disease, it is the biggest, saddest tragedy. That is why I refuse to accept patients in my practice that are not properly vaccinated. I do not want to be the one signing the death certificate of such a child.
POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION/ANXIETY VS. CRYSTOPPING
Postpartum depression occurs in about 10% of women.
It is very important to separate the symptoms of postpartum depression from those of Crystopping parents.
Often this condition may present itself as anxiety. This means that the normal level of worrying that all new mothers experience will present itself as pathologic exaggerated worrying. These mothers will overreact in a very inflated way to any variation of normal concern. They will often cry for no reason.
If you are not sure how to differentiate between normal, new mother apprehension and pathologic anxiety or depression, please consult with your personal physician ASAP. Remember: if you don't treat this condition it could lead to serious harm to the child and the mother.
DISCLAIMER
The purpose of this guide is to help you become successful parents, and to raise healthy, well balanced children and teenagers, both physical and emotional.
The final decision regarding the implementation of the guidelines in this handbook should be between you and your health care provider.
Chapter Two
IS YOUR BABY INTELLIGENT AND CAPABLE FROM BIRTH?
A few years ago a patient showed me an article she found in a magazine. The article, written by a psychologist, was entitled, "There is No Such Thing as Spoiling a Child Under Six Months of Age."
The article postulated the flawed theory that a child less than six months old should always be appeased when he cried, but after six months it would be acceptable to allow a child to cry.
I was shocked by the article. On what basis did this psychologist determine that 6 months was the cut-off point? Does a child become more intelligent or emotionally independent at 6 months?
When I questioned this psychologist about the scientific methodology he used to determine the appropriate age for allowing babies to cry, he had no answer. He said that it just did not feel right to let a young baby cry.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from CRYSTOPPERSby Y. Aaron Kaweblum Copyright © 2011 by Y. Aaron Kaweblum M.D. F.A.A.P.. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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