CHAPTER 1

Drunk Again?

Have you ever asked, "Where is my father?" or "How could my fatherwalk out on me?" Have you ever said, "I don't really care" or "I don'tneed him anyhow," and then still feel as if life would have been better ifhe were there? At the worst moments of your life have you ever thoughtthis would be better if I had my Daddy ... a good father ... with goodadvice ... with a caring voice ... a strong demeanor ... or a Daddy to justto give me a hug? What would he say if he were here? Could you applyany of those questions to times in your life where it seemed God wasnot there?

Did you ever ask God where he was? Did you ever think God actedlike your real father and left you when you needed him? At the worstmoments in my life, I wished my father were doing well. His illnessremoved him from my life. I wish Daddy had been present when Ineeded him. I wondered where was my God, Abba Father, Daddy inheaven. Both my natural and heavenly fathers did not seem to be therewhen I needed them the most. At some point I wondered would anyman love me or would he be absent at role call, too? Today, I know mynatural father and God were there when the tears fell down my cheekscreating puddles of despair in my lap. I want you to experience thejourney that led me to this revelation.

If I was his "Jewel," why was I not treated with more precious care?Who would leave a diamond unattended? My Daddy would. He wasthe one that nicknamed me "Jewel" as I entered this world. He was theman who saw me as a precious gem. He smiled as he beheld my prettybrown skin. Then, sporadically he began to forget the value of the stonehe created.

My father had some personal struggles in his life. The obstacles hefaced were apparently overwhelming to him. However, his personaltragedies were not ones that a child could understand. All I knew wasthat Daddy was drunk again! I needed him to be home attending tohis Jewel, providing love for his precious gem, the daughter that waspriceless.

Drinking was commonplace with my father. I recall him beingout for long periods of time and returning home in a drunken stupor.Interestingly, I never remember my mother shedding tears over theoccurrence. In fact, she responded with two things that I clearly recall:(1) You have to laugh about some stuff to keep from crying, and (2)Thank God for the angels that watch over your father. Instantly, Ilearned that you should not live in sorrow. My mom made sure weendeavored to find joy in life. She was instrumental in teaching me topraise God for blessings I could not see. Although my Daddy returnedhome drunk, it was a blessing that he arrived safe and did not killanybody along the way. I am amazed at my limited recollection of mymother's reactions. Daddy's actions had great impact and are incrediblyvivid.

I was about four or five years old when I stood on the curb in theparking lot of our low-income apartment complex. Daddy and I hadsuch an important conversation that day. I asked him to please notdrink anymore, and he promised me he would not. I was happy becauseI knew Daddy was going to change for me. I knew Daddy loved meenough to become better for me. Low and behold that was my firstmemorable experience with a broken promise. Daddy drank again.I could not understand why he did not do what he said he would. Icould not understand why he let me down. My first lasting impressionof Daddy was his untruth.

Daddy's untruth became repetitive. He drank over and over. Hemissed my life events again and again. His seat was empty at dancerecitals, school events, and church functions. Why would Daddy keeptelling me untruths? Why would he not show up for my importantoccasions? After all, I was his Jewel. I wanted my father to show up asthe knight in shining armor. I wanted him to be the great hero thatsupported me in everything I did. I wanted his love. Yet, he was absentagain and again; drink after drink led him further away.

Amazingly, Daddy's absence taught me an invaluable lesson. Fromhim, I learned to not lie. Daddy taught me that false promises anduntruths are hurtful and should not become a part of my personalcharacter. He may not have sat down and had the father-daughter talk,but his actions helped me develop better personal character. Lessonsin life are not always taught by who is there. Sometimes we must lookbeyond surface appearances to get the essence of the lesson. Many timesdigging beyond the surface is a laborious job. Often, we do not applyfor the position, but if the task is handed to us we must work to reapthe benefits.

Daddy did not stop drinking. My pain did not stop either. I wasprobably about eight or nine when I walked to the park one day. Thepark was on the next street over from my house. All the kids in theneighborhood played there. We had several swings, a seesaw, merry-go-round,and a great big slide. The slide had a large dome area at the topof it. About three ladders curved out from the dome to the ground. Lotsof kids used the ladders as monkey bars and would sometimes weavetheir bodies in and out through the bars. As I used my wonder womanmaneuvering powers through the bars, I hit my front tooth on the metalbar. My tooth chipped and penetrated a small area under my bottomlip. Immediately, blood began to ooze out of my mouth.

A good friend calmly walked me home with blood drippingeverywhere. We started to rinse out the blood in the bathroom sink.That day, Daddy was home. He saw the blood and did not even flinch. Iwaited for Daddy to nurse his little girl, but he had to go. Daddy was onhis way to get drunk again. I kept thinking I am your Jewel. I thoughthe really would not leave now. Surely, I had to be more important thanliquor. Daddy left me. I guess he thought I would be ok. A friend of myfather told me to gargle with salt water. That was fine, but he was notmy Daddy, and I wanted instruction from my own father. My motherwould have never acted that way. I wanted more from my father, somuch more. I wanted Daddy's attention. I wanted him to prove hislove to me.

Another lesson in life occurred. Daddy taught me to show loveto everybody I could. Unfortunately, at times I found myself tryingto prove my love to people. I learned that you do not walk out onpeople you love because you can cause them tremendous pain. However,my love was sometimes an overbearing encounter for people. Daddy'sabsences taught me how to become caring. Unconsciously, I learnedvital lessons from my father. Unsuspectingly, I found I had been underhis tutelage.

I can share so many occasions of my dad's drinking episodes. Thelist of incidents seems endless. I have been at the lowest point of graveembarrassment. For instance, one day when I stepped off the schoolbus to find my father in a drunken sleep in a neighbor's front yard.On another occasion, I witnessed the infestation of maggots in hisold yellow car, a process that began with the attraction of flies to thealcohol-drenched car seats and old food. Incredibly, through it all, Ialways loved my father. Please note that sharing these incidents is not anattempt to degrade his image in any way. My father made many errors,as do many other adults. I was truly injured by the things he did, butsomehow I always knew he loved me. However, I could not understandwhy Daddy was unable to show his love the way I needed him to. Iwanted Daddy to be there, to be better.

My dad drank, he got high, and he would be gone for days at a time.He spent our bill money on party supplies. Yet, I know things couldhave been one hundred thousand times worse. Believe it or not, I canalso remember a few times when things were good.

When I got older, I started asking myself why Daddy drank somuch. Was it possible that my father's pain was unbearable for himself,and he was doing the best he could? I did not want to supply him withexcuses for his behavior, but I wanted to know what led to me missingmore good times in my life. How could I have a father living in myhouse but be so far away? How could he be there and absent all at once?Abba Father is the biblical name for our heavenly father. Abba Fatheris translated as Daddy. A twofold problem arose in my life one day. Ifmy biological father hurt so much, why didn't Abba Father intervene?I began asking, Abba Father, where are you? How could you allowDaddy to hurt and to hurt me? Why didn't you take away his pain soour family could be better?

You may not be like me, but maybe you are! You may have never metyour father. It really doesn't matter whether you know him or not. Theimportant factor is that he seemed to be gone. Fathers leave impressionson their children. Good or bad, Daddy makes a mark on your life. Ifhis impression has been a deep wound that caused you to questionlove, then it's time for you to heal. My father was an alcoholic who laterbecame imprisoned by disease. He lived in our house and still seemedto miss much of my life. I've learned to deal with my father's alcoholismand all the pain it brought me. In addition, I have come to recognizehis ability to help make me the Jewel that he called me. You may thinkyour father is the worst person in the world. You may not want to dealwith the issues he has caused you in life, but it is time to wake up. Sister,it is time to get sober and see life through a new lens.

Affirmations

At the end of each chapter, I would like you to make an affirmation.Affirmations are honest statements about where you are and what younow recognize. They are positive declarations. When spoken aloud youare stating your agreement with the words you say. I pray that everydetail of life and every testimony I share will strengthen and prepareyou to make personal affirmations.

Make your declarations only when you are ready. Each affirmation Ihave included in this book has direct correlation to the things I hope youwere able to gain from the chapter you read. Read the first affirmationbelow. Sincerely think about the statements and reflect upon what theymean for you. Say them aloud, only when you are ready.

CHAPTER 2

Masquerade

Life became a great masquerade party. It seemed as if everyone Iknew was invited to this formal masquerade ball. Formal attire was arequirement for attendance. All the Cinderellas of the world escortedthemselves there. The Cinderellas were the single adolescent womenwithout a father figure at the house. Daddy was busy handling othermatters in his life. The Cinderellas worked so hard in life; they deserveda reward for their diligence. They did not have true attachment withpeople, and they are the women who seemingly endured undeservedhardship. One radiant night of glimmer at the ball could have broughtforth eternal bliss for them. Therefore, the Cinderellas came to the balltrying to be something they were not. They masqueraded as princesseswho had everything, hoping to fall in love with a prince who wouldrescue them from loneliness. One day I realized that I was one of theCinderellas!

How was it possible that a person as real and sincere as me couldmasquerade as something else? Essentially my disguise would mean Iwas living a lie and opposing my first Daddy-taught lesson. Untruthswere such ugly characteristics to me, so why did I attend the masqueradeparty annually? My Daddy was gone a lot, and I wanted my void filled.I presented the best of what I had so someone, anyone, anybody wouldwant it.

It is amazing that so many of us dance through life as someone else.We show up at the party of life pretending to be what others expect,what they want to see, who we wish we were, or anything except whowe really are. Daddy showed up as a cool brother in control. He was thelife of the party. Daddy maintained himself at center-stage as the nucleusof attention. Daddy covered his pain in alcoholism. He knew somethingabout pretending. He masqueraded as someone who was free and incontrol. His façade taught me to be real. I despised phoniness becauseI saw how he acted with friends and how we struggled at home. Daddyhid from people. Daddy hid from himself. Hiding is hard. Revealingyour true identity and feelings is much more difficult. Sometimes ourfathers are unable to overcome their own hurdles.

How many ladies will admit Daddy has impacted their self-image?Your father may have been absent all your life or for a portion of it. Hemay have existed physically, but removed himself emotionally or as aleader. His absence hurts! His disguise damages! Engraved in our pain isthe image of our father. Although he was missing, we made him present.We carried our perception of Daddy with us everyday and blame him forthe emotional disturbance that exists. To keep the world from knowingour pain, we put on Daddy's mask and become someone else.

In high school I had the greatest friends. I trusted them to "keepit real". My friends truly gave you the real deal. My best friend had noqualms about telling me when I had a bad attitude or was overreactingto situations. She would flat out tell me that I was acting crazy becauseof this or that. Then, she would talk to me as if she had not just put mein my place. Our friendship was genuine and continues until this day.

Unfortunately, it was as if I were two people. I was the "real deal"person who hung out with true friends and I was the person who livedbeneath pain that was never discussed. I did it for years. I learned tolaugh at the not-so-funny stuff because laughing was better than crying.Don't get me wrong though. I had never perceived my life to be horrid.To me, it was just what it was. I didn't know anything different. I knewother people had it much worse than me. I was about to find out whata little worse actually meant though.

During my junior year of high school, I found myself without aprom date. My best friend hooked me up with a brown-skinned brotherwith hazel eyes. It could not get much better than that. On prom nightI went to his house with some friends and met his mom. A few of uswent upstairs and chatted in his room for a while. Then, we all wentto our scheduled prom dinner and dance. Afterward, we hung out as agroup and had a good evening. He brought me home at a decent hourand seemed like a good fellow. The next morning he asked me out forbreakfast. I knew this was the start of something great.

The morning after the prom, he picked me up for our breakfastdate. On the way to breakfast he said he needed to stop by his housefor something. Whatever he needed to do was taking a while. I sat inthe den area and watched TV. After a few minutes he asked me to comeupstairs. I was familiar with the house from prom night and naivelywalked upstairs to his room. He kissed me, and I admittedly kissed thegood-looking brother back. Soon, I realized I was in the middle of themasquerade party, and my date was taking off his mask. He pushedme down on the bed and pinned me down with the force of his body.He gripped my wrists tightly and struggled to keep me in position forhis attempted rape. I never wanted to escape from something so badlyin all my life. I cried and wailed for him to stop as I tried to push himaway. The struggle was ridiculously intense. I peered at objects hopingI could reach them so I could knock him out. Unexpectedly, he finallyreleased me.

I jumped up and ran emphatically down the stairs only to reach alocked front door. To my dismay, I was unable to get out. He followedme to that spot, and I pleaded with him to let me go. He had to openthe door for me to step out in the center of a thunderstorm. My newgreen rayon pantsuit and fresh hairdo were in ruins. I was extremelyanxious and utterly confused. That day had become the most miserableday of my life. I knew what it felt like to have NO POWER. I will neverforget how that sunny morning in May changed into a thunderstormof hell. I'll never forget how lost I felt.

In my horrific recollection of events, I ended up getting in the carwith him so I could get back home to a neighboring town. I honestlydo not remember how that transition took place, but I got in the car. Irode in the car crying. The most awkward silence took place betweenme and him. I thought about how much I needed my Daddy rightthen. Where was he to forewarn me about being naïve? Where was heto protect me from this monster? Where was he when I needed him tohold his little girl?