Dads2Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers

A Book for Fathers about Fathers by Fathers

What does a dad do when he’s caught in a showdown with the “teen trinity”: the sigh, the eye roll and the mutter? When he feels like a ghost at the dinner table or like a big lump in a pressure cooker of mashed potatoes? He has lunch with another dad and compares notes.

When Bill Black and Tom Tozer met over greek salads at high noon on several occasions, they discovered they both were caught in the crossfire of the dreaded “trinity” and neither one had a clue. All they knew was that living with teenagers was frustrating, exasperating, even maddening.

They pooled their ignorance and met with other fathers of teenagers. They held focus groups to find out how other dads handled those younger members of the family who occasionally stopped by the house for money and a meal. Collectively these kings of their castles uncovered three significant facts about fatherhood: (1) Dads don’t readily share their feelings of confusion when it comes to parenting; (2) Dads don’t have the resources or connections with other dads to provide them with opportunities to even consider sharing their feelings; and (3) Dads who are looking for ways to be better fathers value the thoughts and experiences of other dads who are just like them.

Bill and Tom decided to pitch a weekly column to their local newspaper. It caught on quickly and today “Dads2Dads” appears in over 30 print and online publications across the country. Their new book, Dads2Dads: Tools for Raising Teenagers—We Survived and You Can Too (plus a few tirades) is an anthology of some of their most popular essays. As the authors are quick to say, the issues they address reflect the typical minefields of raising teenagers. Bill and Tom are not therapists or family-relations gurus. They are ordinary dads who worked hard and were lucky enough to produce extraordinary sons and daughters—much with the help of wonderful spouses and a lot of trial and error.

In their book they admit to sometimes having felt unappreciated, ignored, even invisible in their own homes. They wanted their kids to be grateful for the food on their plates that they never finished, their bedroom sanctuaries they never cleaned and their pets whose poop they never scooped. They acknowledged that conversations would flow unabated if they had a set of cue cards with just the right responses written by their children. They often wondered if they were going deaf or if their precious offspring had their tongues pierced—the words from their mouths were so garbled. Over time they learned that no one talks on a battlefield—there’s just a lot of combat. In the book, they prescribe calling a family summit.

Bill and Tom also stress the importance of saying “I love you.” Not “Luv ya” mind you, but “I love you.” There is a difference. They write about self-esteem, peer pressure, the teen brain, sharing family stories, social media, role modeling, being a flop and surviving, living through your kids, playing second fiddle, being a single dad, reaching beyond your grasp, and your personal pr program (you do have one, you know). Bill and Tom also talk about the relationship with their own fathers.

Dads2Dads offers all confused, conflicted and confounded fathers hope and reassurance that much of what they will teach and try to instill in their children will actually stick. It may not manifest itself for a few years, but dads who have worked hard and tried their best at being rock-solid fathers will one day see, hear and enjoy the fruits of their labors. Until then, there's Dads2Dads.

As dads, Bill Black and Tom Tozer were sometimes duds—or at least they felt that way. Being told that confession was good for the soul, they admitted (at least to each other) that they felt unappreciated, ignored, even invisible in their own homes. They were ghosts at the dinner table.

Wait a minute! They both ran university departments, managed budgets and built teams. They won awards and published articles. But at home, when confronted with the mighty teen trinity—the sigh, the eye roll and the under-the-breath mutter—they wilted like week-old celery.

So they decided to put it all into a book to help other hapless dads tiptoe through the minefields of raising teenagers. After all, they are the fathers of four successful, considerate, and appreciative children so they must have done something right.

After gathering up thoughts from many other dads, they've decided to share practical thoughts on raising kids in hopes it will make it a little easier -- Dads2Dads.