Dating Basics 101
What Every Guy Should Know But Often Doesn'tBy David LinaresTrafford Publishing
Copyright © 2011 David Linares
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4269-5078-0 Contents
Preface.........................................................................ixChapter 1. This Book Above All Others...........................................1Chapter 2. Cognitive Appraisals and You.........................................6Chapter 3. How to Have and Show the Right Attitude..............................14Chapter 4. Cognitive Appraisals and You, Part 2.................................27Chapter 5. What to Say and How to Say It........................................34Chapter 6. The Keys to the Kingdom: Communication...............................38Chapter 7. Pick-up Facts, Tips, and Tactics.....................................52Chapter 8. Making the Date......................................................66Chapter 9. Planting the Seeds of Love and Lust..................................79Chapter 10. Where to Get a Date and Where to Take Your Date.....................84Chapter 11. How to Make Out and What Happens After..............................98Chapter 12. Romance.............................................................111Chapter 13. Cheating............................................................118Chapter 14. Specialty Topics of Interest........................................124Chapter 15. Putting It All Together.............................................139
Chapter One
This Book Above All Others
"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading." ~Lao Tzu
A General Warning
I like the above quote because it basically means you might not like where you are heading if you don't change things up a bit. In a perfect world, you could easily meet someone who doesn't have any hang-ups like the ones I listed above. In a perfect world, you could meet someone, have this instant connection, and just fall in love because you are soul mates. The problem is, and I think you will agree, that it's not a perfect world. The truth is you have to get out there and figure out who you are and what kind of person you're looking for. The fact is there are nearly seven billion people on this planet and not everyone meets someone to fall in love. I am even willing to bet there is a pretty high number of people who die without ever having sex, much less finding love in a short-term or lifelong relationship. Don't let yourself unwittingly and unwillingly become one of these people.
Dating is hard, for men especially. Even the ugliest girl can get laid by a decent-looking guy if there's enough alcohol in him. But what happens when we reverse the story? The ugly guy is going to have to buy a lot of drinks and hope that the girl's friends don't keep him from getting her. Dating is hard, and nice guys normally finish last. Worse, the nice guys not only finish last but often get stepped on, used, and disrespected by women who don't respect them. The number one reason this happens is because those nice guys often don't respect themselves. Let's say that women don't mean to be mean or to tease nice guys. Let's say sometimes a woman is just not a very sexual person, afraid of sex, or uncomfortable with her body. Believe it or not, there are people out there who don't like sex at all! Then there are the dirty, underhanded things people do. Perhaps she is just going out with you while she waits for someone better to come along or for her current boyfriend to get back to town. Perhaps she intends to introduce you to her boyfriend to make him jealous (this has happened to me more than once). Perhaps she says she wants to be your friend (translation: you buy everything) but the second you try to express your feelings or make a move on her she's gone like the Road Runner in a puff of smoke, and so is your so-called friendship.
Situations like these are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to problems in dating. Perhaps you ask her out but she's afraid of looking cheap and wants you to ask one more time. Another possible issue is that women, like men, can have low self-esteem, leading them to dump you because they don't feel able to be in relationship with nice guys or think you're cheating on them. So they go for the jerks or bums that treat them like they feel.
The psychology of the human mind, our personalities and how we interact, and what we expect from other people, particularly in relationships, is extremely complex. Other reasons that doom a meaningful relationship include, but are not limited to, people being drug addicts, heavy drinkers, gold diggers looking for the bigger better deal (also known as the BBD), and/or women looking to get married (because it is what society or the church expects of them). It could even be that a woman is afraid to get married and so dating a nice marrying guy is out of the question. Perhaps she just wants to get back at her parents, and bringing home a nice guy isn't going to do that. Perhaps life has been hard on her and she is emotionally unavailable. Whatever the possible reason, the bottom line is that girls, like men, have their hang-ups. Those hang-ups often get in the way of love.
I didn't major in philosophy; I can't tell you what love is. Is it something that develops out of lust? Out of playing the game? Or is it something else? Is love that instant connection you have when you see someone? Is it a choice we make like picking out some item in a store—we just pick one and go with it? Is it about settling, being happy with what you have and compromising on those little things that bug us about the person we're with?
Once you've had your fill of love and/or lust, I think you will find yourself in a place to decide for yourself what love is for you. What I can tell you is that if you believe and feel that you love someone, and she loves you back equally or greater, and if you feel a soulful connection without having to put up with mind games, then be smart. Don't do anything to let her down or hurt her if you can help it. A relationship like that is typically a once in a lifetime find. You will recognize that kind of relationship in part when the person you love tells you what she is thinking and feeling without any hesitation and when she takes good care of you, asking for very little or nothing in return.
What we're going to do is teach you how to get past your issues and, most importantly, how to get past hers so you can get what you both want. That is right I said: both. Both you and your future lady (and just about every person on the plant) want to date, fall in love, and be happy. With this in mind, some of the stuff you're about to learn can be seen as underhanded and/or manipulative, but the truth is it's not. It's just not, and I will defend this no matter how hard someone tries to argue against it. The bottom line in my mind is that people want to be treated in a particular way in life and in certain situations. Some other people have defensive walls that are so high and so thick that no man could ever climb them or break them down. The alternative is to simply go around them or dig under them. What you are going to learn is something that everyone should learn and know that applies to nearly all people in all situations. While this book addresses so many aspects of dating, one major goal of the book is to teach you how to date smarter. In early 2010, the divorce rate in the United States changed from 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce to 60 percent of marriages now ending in divorce. This might be an indicator that people need to date smarter before marriage.
Remember that being single is simple: it's when we start coupling up that things get complicated. If you're in for the thrill of dating and/or love, and are in a place where you want to complicate the hell out of your life in wonderful ways, then read on.
The Process of This Book
As you progress in this book, we will go over how to have confidence in yourself, how to approach people, and how to "seal the deal" while applying homework lessons in each of these areas. I know homework sounds lame but, after all, friend, learning how to do something means absolutely nothing if you do not know how to use or do it properly. In other words, you will be learning how to use the proper tools for the proper job to get the desired outcome. I had a few reservations about the format of this book but ultimately stuck to the theory that a person can only read and truly understand so much information at a time. For this reason, the book's subjects and topics are occasionally repeated or elaborated on in other chapters so that you can reflect on them and hopefully understand them better. Even though I have chunked the information down for you in a way that I currently believe is best for learning, I do recommend that you read only one or two chapters a week. Then spend the rest of the next week working on and thinking about what you read for a minimum of one to two hours a day. This way you will be able to really understand what you are reading at a deeper level.
In this book, self-assessments and lessons are designed to seamlessly blend in your own personality traits and specific life situation for results!
I highly encourage you to highlight bits of information in this book. It will make reviewing the information faster and easier for you down the road. Take handwritten notes if you need to. Practice makes perfect and you will want to complete the few assignments in this book to help you remember the tricks, tip, and tactics to show real results!
Each chapter starts off with the chapter number followed by the main topic of that chapter. The subject of what each section found in that chapter will be is italicized so you can easily find any chapter and section you may want to reread. I also change up the wording used to describe females in the book to add more flavor to the reading and to reflect the different age ranges of females and the vocabulary used to describe them from one part of the world to the next. Sometimes I refer to women as women, and other times I will refer to them as ladies or girls.
Chapter Two
Cognitive Appraisals and You
"Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment." ~ Lao Tzu
The Faulty Mind
What's a cognitive appraisal? Simply put, it is how you think or feel about something, including yourself. Oftentimes our appraisals can be faulty, hence the faulty mind title of this chapter. In this chapter we are going to examine some commonly held thoughts and beliefs that affect your attitude toward members of the opposite sex. Our goal here is to look and see if you have any faulty thoughts floating around in your head that prevent you from getting what you want. Faulty thoughts may come from the teachings our parents, friends, movies, or social media. It is not critical to understand how faulty thoughts got into our head, only to correct them.
It is often the case that when we approach someone we want to get to know, we often become uncomfortable and even nervous. This can affect us so much so that we end up saying something stupid or, worse, nothing at all. At least if you say something stupid you can play it off as a joke or an attempt at a joke. So, how do we keep ourselves from being uncomfortable or nervous and avoid saying something that is less than ideal?
First thing you are going to do is sit back, relax, and think. Why might you be nervous around someone? Is it something within you? Are you embarrassed about how you dress? How you look? Your hairstyle? Are you afraid of being rejected? With all the different kinds of people out there, you shouldn't be.
Think about it: you sometimes see an ugly guy holding hands with a hot girl and probably have seen a short guy or girl dating a much taller person. Things like that just don't matter. Often we see what seem to be mismatched couples, but have you wondered what caused them to get together? Perhaps one or both of them were born with the intuitive knowledge on how to go about meeting someone. Perhaps they had modern-day Casanovas for fathers who instructed them on how to meet people. Casanova, in case you don't know, was a renowned lover of women in Italy in the 1800s. Perhaps they read a book like this one or even this same one, or took a class along the lines of this book. Perhaps they were just lucky. Regardless, together we will explore how to turn you into a modern-day Casanova through a step-by-step process.
Oftentimes we feel nervous around another person because we have placed them automatically on a mental pedestal. Just the very act of approaching someone and trying to talk to her has you tipping your hand a bit, letting her now that there is something about her that you like. So your poker face is already failing you, buddy. How do we counteract this? To counteract this, we have to start before you ever see the person you want. You have to start with your beliefs. The faulty mind believes that women are different from us men. Other than physical differences, this is not true. They have thoughts and feeling the same as any male. What can help reduce your fears and counter your fearful behaviors is a philosophical change of attitude.
The world is a big place and, truth to tell, most of the world pretty much sucks when compared to the comforts that you and I have. Back in the orient, Buddhism started out as a philosophy, not a religion, and as a philosophy it put forth the idea that all life is suffering. This does not mean that life is all bad; it only means that everyone in life, no mater how rich, poor, or beautiful—everyone, everywhere—suffers. How does the rich man suffer? Well, for starters, he could be overly concerned that girls like him only for his money or worry about losing his money. You can imagine how much suffering such thoughts of fear and doubt on those two things alone can affect him in his everyday interactions with people and even late at night when he is alone. The same line of thought can be applied to the pretty girl. Are you interested in her for who she is on the inside or just her body? The pretty girl worries about her looks fading, about not being seen as smart, and always being perceived as the stupid but pretty girl. These are just some of the specific thoughts that girls can worry about and suffer from. It is for this reason that one of the most effective ways to stand out from other guys is not to compliment a pretty girl on her looks but rather to ask her what she thinks. This line of thought that I have explained doesn't even take into account the day-to-day worries or suffering that every human being must go though in life. Naturally, on the flip side, the unattractive or poor person may think that no one will ever love him or her or he or she is unworthy of love.
Take a moment to think of all the hardships you have had to go through in your life, everything you have suffered from. Well, guess what? No matter whom you talk to, they have suffered and had their own hardships too! Some people have had more suffering in their lives than others, but from the individuals' perspectives they suffered too. What's this mean? It means that we as human beings can only ever really experience our own suffering. Everything else that we gain from another person's story or perspective is just empathy, sympathy, or pity that we can feel for others. It is from understanding this that you need to realize that while you are dealing with your own issues, your own suffering, and, yes, even your own fears of rejection, so are they! No matter how great or confident or just plain hot a woman looks, I guarantee she has suffered in life and that means she is no better or worse than you.
When it comes to some women and suffering, it's possible that they may be suffering and struggling with their past, such as Daddy was never home and gave them no attention so now they seek it from men constantly. Perhaps they are suffering currently with some situation like their moms being in a hospital. Bottom line, you may not know how they are suffering, but both you and every person on the planet is suffering. What breaks up those moments of suffering with things like fear, doubt, worry, regret, and shame are the happy moments in our lives. Happy moments may include the birth of a baby, our birthdays, our favorite weekly television shows, our friends, hobbies, and family. What makes us happy depends on our point of view. For instance, our birthday could be a happy day or it could remind us we are one year older and perhaps one year closer to death. It's your point of view that determines how you see and feel about others including yourself. Additionally, there is a set range of human emotion and it does not matter if you are boy or girl. We are all the same. The only difference is our bodily parts and how we perceive the world. This is the human condition and what makes you and every other person on the planet the same.
So how do you get over all that shyness, adopt a positive attitude, and feel more comfortable around members of the opposite sex? You just started. Just by thinking about the concept of suffering, you have started to realize that regardless of race, religion, or gender, all people are the same in this regard. This means that the hot girl across the room is more like you than you think, and this evens the playing field a bit. I recommend you go out and buy a book or two on Eastern philosophy, preferably on Buddhism or Taoism, to fully round out your understanding of this concept and others like it.
I'd be willing to bet that along with a lack of understanding that no matter how hot the girl you are interested in is, she's still human. There is also still the fear of being rejected. By understanding the concept of suffering you lessen the fear of rejection a bit (but I doubt you completely lose it). Do not worry because this is addressed a lot more in other chapters but first things first. Another aspect of a faulty mind can be found in what we as men think our odds are of getting a girl. Being afraid she is to hot for you, taken, or somehow otherwise unavailable is one aspect of a faulty mind that can and often does prevent men from even trying. One of things you can do to possibly counter this fear is to start assessing your living situation. No, I am not taking about if you still live with your mom or how messy your place is. I am talking about the demographics of the area you live in. If you go to the United States Census Bureau and look up your local area, you can find information on your local population. Specifically, you can look for the ratio of men to women in your town. This is useful for several reasons. First, if you are in a place where men significantly out number girls, of course your odds of meeting someone who is single goes down a bit. On the other hand, if you live in a place where women significantly outnumber the men, finding a single girl is more likely. Secondly, this information is useful because it tells you how competitive you have to be. If you are in a high female area you won't have to do a lot to get a girl. This also means you don't have to be as concerned about rejection. Even if you are in a low female area, your fear should be less because now you know your odds anyways. I think that's better than having a huge question mark over your head wondering what your chances are. If you are in a low female area it means that you will likely have to sell yourself more to get a date (more on what selling yourself is and how to do it later).
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Dating Basics 101by David Linares Copyright © 2011 by David Linares. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
