CHAPTER 1
My First Step Right after My Separation
Twenty hours after my husband at the time separated himself from our marriage and moved into a hotel room with his Jezebel mistress, I knew from the bottom of my heart that the only thing that would bring me through was prayer. The first thing I did was go before the Lord in tears, without food, weeping, grieving, and broken in spirit.
I told my team that I needed some space all by myself. They were concerned because I was very sick, but they respected my request. I turned off my phone. I didn't say anything to family members or friends because I wanted to hear from God. I wanted to know how I was supposed to deal with this embarrassment after being with my husband for 20 years in marriage and ministry. How was I supposed to deal with him living in a hotel room with a mistress after leaving me - his sick wife - to fight for my life alone? In bitterness of soul, I prayed unto the Lord and wept sore. I did the same thing and I vowed a vow like Hannah vowed to the Lord to give her a son (1 Samuel 1:11). I vowed to the Lord that I would spend the first ten days of separation from my husband on my face before Him. With tears in my eyes, I said, "Lord, if you heal me and allow me to survive my husband and his mistress, I will tell the whole world about what you have done for me." I said, "Lord, I will dedicate my life to serving you on a deeper level and setting captives free with my story." With my phone turned off and my house locked down, I lost myself in Jesus. I said, "Lord I am a woman with a sorrowful spirit and my heart is broken."
I really poured my soul out before the Lord. I just remained in His presence, meditating on His goodness toward me over the years and how far He had brought me. The enemy tried to kill me many times, but the Lord saved me every time. I recognized the hand of God on my life. I realized that what was happening to me was preparation for greater ministry. Although sometimes I thought, "Lord, what did I do wrong in the marriage to bring on this attack?" It felt like my life was literally ending. I was dying from the intensity of the emotional pain that I was feeling, but I had to fight back really hard. I had to talk to myself and push myself through the pain with God's help.
I was empowered in His presence and my tears began to dry up a little bit, but the pain remained. I continued to go back and forth to the hospital, but I stayed on the road doing ministry work. Even in all my pain, I helped others. Every woman the Holy Spirit lead me to confided in me that their husbands had abandoned them also. It was amazing.
I just couldn't believe the dysfunction and madness that was going on in churches with pastors and their mistresses. So many pastors' wives and other women with husbands in the secular world were going through the same thing! When I shared my story with them, they would tell me, "You're not alone and you're going to get through it." With their support, I became a little hopeful in the process.
Pain is necessary to tap into your inner resources - the wealth that God has placed in you for a greater, better, wiser, and stronger you. You must be determined to become a better you as you move forward toward healing and wholeness.
Nugget: I give up freely what is no longer serving me. I release it to create space and I align myself with the universe for a life of purpose and success.
Never underestimate yourself in any given situation. The storms of life come to test our inner strength and ability. I realized that separating myself from the madness going on in my marriage was necessary for me to see the demons I was neglecting. These spirits were hindering and affecting the foundation of my marriage the whole time.
My husband and I traveled extensively because we both loved ministry and serving others, but because of that, we didn't notice ourselves falling apart. I had absolutely no idea. In the process of my separation, I discovered that people are more spiritual than physical and we cannot neglect either department; otherwise, we will fall apart. Our physical and spiritual life must be equally well maintained. As ministers, we must also take time off to care for ourselves. We must live a well-balanced life. Each individual in a marriage must take care of their personal demons so that they don't affect the other partner. You must understand that your demons will surely damage the emotional life of your husband or wife. You must also keep in mind that women are more emotional than men. We tend to hurt more and become more attached to the other person's demons, making it a struggle to break free in the end.
Nugget: Emotional maturity is very important when entering any kind of relationship. We must be willing to sort out our emotional issues!
The Jezebel spirit feeds off of the dysfunction in our lives. It is very important that everyone works on their personal demons before entering marriage. I also discovered that having a title or degree is great, but that is not what makes a marriage or your partner happy. Happiness begins with each individual sorting out his or her issues and then working on their character flaws. If you don't do that, you will be destructive to the other person and cause problems in your family's life.
My husband Hosea's behavior became destructive and unhealthy, so God allowed the separation. I could not hide behind the ministry anymore. I had to face myself and all the demons that were affecting our marriage and our lives. We wear so many masks and pretty up things to make others believe that we have it together, when in reality we are just fake Christians. I decided to live an authentic life and to share my life and experiences with others.
Nugget: Healthy relationships are built on openness, honesty, and transparency. You must be true to yourself; that is the key for healing!
God is looking for real people, not fake people. Taking full responsibility and being open with God's people is one of the most difficult things for pastors and ministers to do. We will get better results if we live open, honest, and transparent lives. Separation is not a bad thing if your partner is abusive. It is actually healthy and it allows your soul to think clearly and make hard gut decisions that will lead you to live more productively. Your husband or wife is not responsible for your salvation and happiness, you are. Do what is best for you and move forward in life. Take care of yourself and learn to love yourself first.
Know When It's Time to Let Go
Here's the truth, ladies. In my process, I have discovered that being pretty doesn't keep a man. Being honest doesn't keep a man. Being loyal doesn't keep a man. Treating a man good doesn't keep a man. Caring about a man doesn't keep a man. Making the effort doesn't keep a man. Paying attention to a man doesn't keep a man. Spending time with a man doesn't keep a man. Giving a man good sex most definitely doesn't keep a man. You could have the sincerest feelings, you could have the best intentions, you could be the best woman in the world, and still nothing you have to offer would ensure that you would keep that man.
The only way to keep a man is if that man wants to be kept by you. You can't force a man to be with you. You can't beg a man to stay with you. You can't love a man into loving you. With a man, you can tell he wants to be kept when the relationship gets hard and he does everything to fight for you because a man only fights for the woman he wants to belong to. If he isn't fighting for you when things get hard, that means he doesn't want to be kept by you anymore.
The moral of this? Don't hold on to a man who doesn't want to be kept by you. No, you're not giving up on him. It's him who gave up on you and it's you who shouldn't waste any more of your time than you already have. Know when it's time to let go, know when it's time to walk away, and know when it's time for him to be "unkept."
I know what I'm talking about, I survived the mistress. I went through this whole experience, came out of it, and bounced back even stronger. I put two hundred percent into my marriage and got back very little. I almost died from a broken heart. My husband, Hosea, one day looked at me when I needed him the most and told me, "Thanks for taking good care of me. Thanks for praying for me. Thanks for making me into a man. Thanks for loving me and spending quality time with me. Thank you for being a great wife, but I am sorry. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I am going to let you go. I don't want the marriage anymore."
He did not want to be kept by me anymore, even after twenty years of marriage and working hard to build and establish a great ministry. When he met Jezebel Gomer, he didn't want to be kept by me anymore. I had to decide to let him go! With the help of the Holy Spirit, I positioned myself and focused on the healing of my spirit, soul, and body. My restoration was very important to me. Although it was painful, I had to finally let go.
I have discovered something very important through my own personal experience and by counseling hundreds of women. What I learned is that any time we, as women, put so much energy into trying to keep a man, it becomes a turn-off for them. They will never stay because we behave like we want them more than they want us. Men are hunters and they love the chase. Men also want to know that women are stable emotionally and can handle difficult situations. They are in their own world and are struggling with themselves. We must give men the space to sort it out themselves. If you love someone, set them free. Let Them Go!
My Concern for Women
This is a fact. Women become too attached to men too quickly. We allow our emotions to get the best of us. I have discovered through my years of counseling women that we allow men to manipulate our feelings and we keep falling for the same trap over and over again. We do not make decisions that improve our destiny. Infatuation is not love. As women, we must see our worth and value. We must stop settling for less in any given situation or experience. I believe that we're able to lead. We shouldn't be afraid to speak up for ourselves, to tell others who we are and what we are about.
Before you can become empowered, you need to take responsibility for allowing yourself to be abused. Take responsibility for thinking so lowly of yourself. Take responsibility for always thinking more of a man, who isn't or wasn't in your best interest, than you thought of yourself. You must be open for counseling, deliverance, healing, and coaching. As women, we all need the inner strength to fight back and command our emotions to settle down so we can obey the will of God for our lives.
Anytime we keep going after a man, he will not stay. He will only keep playing games. As women, we must know who we are and go back to God - the only man who truly wants us and is longing for our presence. Men know how to get into our emotions and drive us crazy. They fool us into feeling like they're the best thing that ever happened to us. In the same turn, they will walk away from us with no feelings or heart. After the separation, I had to learn to stand on my own two feet without a man always boosting my confidence. I was so used to hearing all those romantic words every day of my marriage, but I told myself, "Destiny, you have had enough nice talk from men that had no commitment, honesty, and love for you."
I had to mature emotionally without any help or anyone around me. I chose to be alone and go through the painful process to develop as a spiritual woman on a greater level. God allowed everyone to walk away from me and sometimes they wouldn't even take my calls. I got the message from heaven very quickly and positioned myself to go through many lonely nights in order to bounce back more powerful and productive than before. I was spiritually pregnant and was determined to give birth to my destiny. My pain motivated me to become pregnant with greater dreams and a greater purpose. I chose to handle my pain the right way by not becoming negative or bitter, so I wouldn't abort my dreams.
I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit say, "Destiny, you need to go in search of your destiny." Keep in mind that a few weeks before that, I mustered the courage to leave my husband and his mistress behind in our very own home. I stepped out in faith, obeying the voice of God with tears in my eyes. I knew deep down in my heart that the marriage was over. It was the most painful moment of my life. I was broken in two thousand pieces, but I took courage because I knew that God was going to see me through it.
If you are going to become successful as a woman, you must tap into your inner strength and push past your pain after a separation. Separation is an unofficial divorce, but it has the same effect as a real divorce. It is the most tragic state of limbo. Prayer, fasting, meditation, and self-love will give you the strength you need to bounce back successfully. God still answers prayers. He will heal your broken heart and wounded spirit.
Nugget: How we handle our pain is very important for our next level. Pain can take you backward or forward.
Isaiah 53:3-6: He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
Remember that during the separation process you will go through withdrawals that are very painful. You can go from one extreme to the next. That's why you need to stabilize yourself in God through prayer. The Holy Spirit is there to hold and comfort you with his loving-kindness. It's not easy, but you need to take one moment at a time. Trust me, you are going to want the man back to hold you tight. You are going to feel like you want sex, tender love, and attention. As a matter of fact, you'll feel more sexual after a separation. The devil knows how to stir up our emotions to lure and trap us into another toxic relationship. Give yourself permission to feel your emotions and to express just the way you feel. Remind yourself that it is all part of the process.
After you give yourself permission to express your feelings, that's where you need to start loving yourself step by step. In the first step of loving myself, I told myself, "Don't you dare want a man more than he wants you." We all go through those crazy feelings and have to ride that roller coaster. Find some peaceful and fun getaways to learn to enjoy your life again. I didn't have a choice but to push past those crazy, painful emotions. I had to do self-deliverance many times to calm down and think straight.
It was a nightmare. You will feel like running to the top of a mountain where no one can find you because of the painful feelings of rejection and abandonment from a break up, separation, or divorce. You have to remember, through all of your pain, that there is life after divorce, but only Jesus Christ is going to give you and I the living water that we need to fill that deep void. Only Jesus will give us the love that we desperately want. Receive Jesus into your life today. He is waiting to heal you on the inside and stabilize your heart and soul.
Sometimes, I focus on myself and forget about all my bills. I find a getaway at a great resort and go to a spa for massage therapy. That's just one of the self-love treatments that I had to do to start feeling better. Separation and self-care require you to remove the toxicity from a dead relationship. You need to give the Holy Spirit permission to cut your dead roots away and do a deep surgery in you. One year from now, you'll be praising God and asking, "Why didn't you do all of this cutting ten years ago to free me from my dysfunctional marriages and relationships?" Spiritual surgery is the key to your healing process and to becoming a healthy and empowered woman or man.
CHAPTER 2
The Enemy Doesn't Want You to Have Intimacy with God
2 Chronicles 30:19 – That prepared his heart to seek God, the Lord God of his fathers, though he be not cleansed to the purification of the sanctuary.
I had a very early sense of God in my life. I knew it deep from within. As a child, I always had a deep love for our Lord Jesus Christ. My friends would say: "Destiny, why do you love Jesus so much? Girl, you are so boring! Just too much Jesus!" I couldn't help telling them that God loved them and had a plan for their lives. Every conversation that I had with my friends, I would remind them of what Jesus did for us on the cross. One day my friends told me that there was something special about me and that they wanted to love like me. God gave me a loving and caring heart that reaches out to people from across the globe and from all walks of life.
