Relationships can sometimes take unexpected turns, and many Christian women are reluctant to share these challenges with others, fearing they may be stripped of their robe of righteousness. In Dropped but Not Broken, author Paula Harris confronts these all-too-common issues. She shows how women can experience deliverance and healing in order to be set free to receive and give love once again. Through a series of real-life, mini-narratives and scripture-based advice, Dropped but Not Broken offers guidance for bringing prayer and calm love into one's life. It shows women how to know a love that manifests itself from the inside out and how to break free from suffering in silence, from substitutes to the real thing, and from rejection into rejuvenation. You can overcome unreliable feelings with faith, learn how to trust again and overcome conflicts. Teaching the two most effective principles for experiencing sincere love, Dropped but Not Broken helps women strengthen their relationships, in order to live a more fulfilling life.
Dropped but Not Broken
Learning to Love From the Inside OutBy Paula HarrisiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 Paula Harris
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4620-6382-6Contents
Dedication..............................................................vAcknowledgments.........................................................ixIntroduction............................................................xiPart 1: Lost Love — "The Overall Problem".........................1Love Turned into Hate...................................................5Suffering in Silence....................................................8Hostile Heart...........................................................12Dropped but Not Broken..................................................14I Won't Let that Happen Again!..........................................17Keeping the Scars.......................................................21Part 2: Loyal Love — "The Vertical Solution"......................27When Does Love Begin?...................................................29Deep-Down Desire........................................................33No Substitute for Love..................................................38From Rejection to Rejuvenation..........................................46One Size Fits All.......................................................56Yes, You Can............................................................64Part 3: Love Lens — "The Horizontal Solution".....................73What Does Love Look Like?...............................................75In Word or Tongue.......................................................83Loved Ones as Idols.....................................................87Self-Preservation.......................................................94Having Done All, Just Stand.............................................105Love When I Don't Even Trust?...........................................115Part 4: Love Light — "Daily Living It Out"........................123Deflection from Devotion................................................125Love without Limits.....................................................138Faith Versus Feelings...................................................154"I Do"..................................................................170A More Excellent Way....................................................182Passionate Purpose......................................................189Resources...............................................................195Reference...............................................................196Endnotes................................................................197
Chapter One
Love Turned into Hate
Wanda homeschooled her four children for many years. It took a lot of dedication and sacrifice. She was committed to a different style of parenting than what she had been raised under. She stared out of the window with tears streaming down her face. Unfortunately, at this point, two of her children had graduated from college, and it seemed all the sacrifice was for naught. They despised their mother and felt she had kept them in a prison. They rarely called her and felt they needed to establish their own way of living. Anger welled up inside as she pondered how their attendance at church was sporadic too. The more she thought about the years of sacrifice compared to the disrespect and ungratefulness, the more she became angry. She was at the point where she was ready to disown them completely. Just the thought of them made her nauseated.
What woman doesn't want to be loved? If not for who she is, then at least for what she does. In either case, she desires to be appreciated. She would like to feel special and set apart in some way. This can be in the realm of being a devoted, Christian, fabulous wife; a great mom; an outstanding single woman; a marvelous grandmother; a terrific boss; or a superb employee. It does not matter ... all of us want to feel special by knowing we are loved or appreciated. No matter how hard one may be on the exterior, there is this deep desire inside each one of us to be loved. When we experience gratitude or some expression of love, it encourages us. However, when this becomes absent in our lives, we seem to slide down a slope of discouragement. We appear no more significant than an ant crushed by a person casually walking down the street. Nothing is wrong with having a deep desire for love. It was placed inside of us by God Himself. How we fulfill this desire is what makes all the difference.
Even Christian women can get caught up in fantasies regarding love. You may want a knight in shining armor to come and rescue you from a dungeon of loneliness. Or maybe you are waiting for Cupid to shoot an arrow in your "soul mate," who will love you forever and ever. You may already be bound to a mate and believe there is a tonic he can take that would pump some romantic fluid into his veins. Of course, I am being facetious with these examples, but fantasies will prove to be unreal, and Cupid's arrows are mythical. Have you ever been disappointed by love to the point it led you down a path of hatred? Did Cupid's arrows crash? Remember, Cupid or any romantic fantasy that tries to replace or be a substitute for God's sincere love is going to crash sooner or later. When your hope is placed in something that fails, your heart is made sick. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life" (Prov. 13:12, NLT). No matter how messed up things appear at the moment, they can be changed.
Godly women are not immune to heartbreaks. Did you give your all only to find out later in a relationship you were not good enough or you did not measure up to your lover's expectations anymore? Have you ever been left feeling rejected and alone? Did you fight with all your might, only to discover those deep desires resided in you alone, and there was nothing you could do to reproduce them in him? He just was not interested anymore. When innocently confronted with a blatant judgment of "you are no longer valued," it can lead the gentlest woman down a path of bitterness or rage. It is then that you must make a choice to continue on a path of hate or take a different route. If you do not make a conscious effort to jump off this path, a whirlwind of hate will carry you away. Once you have allowed yourself to be swept away, trying to find your way back can be daunting. It could take years ... or it could never happen.
A plethora of problems can turn a heart of love into a heart of hate. There are many forms of abuse—and women being literally battered as well. These are confusing cuddles, where love appears to be present, but is a masquerade for lust or another's selfishness. Lust and love are not the same. They are opposites, just like love and hatred. Love is all about giving, and lust is all about getting. If you have been left abused or battered, you do not have to relinquish your deep desire for love. Sincere love has been in the shadows waiting all this time for you. Once you learn to open your heart again, it will flood your soul!
You need to have a clear understanding of your God-given desire for love. Not only do you need to understand it, you need to know how to function in it for love to reach its ultimate fulfillment. If your heart is shut up or closed in any degree by hurts inflicted upon it, you will need to learn to open it once again. By the end of this book, you will have this understanding and know how to receive and give "sincere love."
Charles Spurgeon once said, "He is a swift arrow of love, which not only reaches its ordained target, but perfumes the air through which it flies." I believe he was referring to Jesus. Leave Cupid and all the fantasies alone unless you want your heart to be shattered. They will only turn love to hate in the end. Numerous Christian women are bent over trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts. This is not always their fault. This is why it does not seem to make sense when they have wholeheartedly lived for God. You see, in a fallen world, things can fall apart. Yes, even righteous women can give in to hatred if the pain is severe enough. Some foster hate; others just learn to suffer silently.
Suffering in Silence
Janice was faithful to Michael in every way a woman could be faithful. She supported him in his endeavors, she sacrificed her desires for his, and she made sure he had a clean house and hot dinner when he arrived home each day. She wasn't without flaws, but she gave her all for him.
One day as she was routinely putting away his socks in the drawer, something caught her eye. It was a receipt. Upon looking at it closer, she saw it was for a date and place with which she was not familiar. Her heart sunk as she began to suspect Michael of foul play. This was a piece of the many puzzle pieces that were beginning to paint a picture of unfaithfulness. For a year or so she noticed some peculiarities with Michael. He seemed to be distant and have less time for her, but she kept making excuses for him. He was a great guy and a good provider. Although she worked, she made sure their house was a home for him. He began putting more and more hours into work. He even seemed to be too tired to be intimate most evenings. He was becoming quick- tempered and short with her over the smallest things. He accused her of not trusting him if she asked any questions. He would turn things on her as if she was the guilty one for their lack of intimacy. So, many pieces began to come together to make her suspect he was having an affair.
When the moment came for her to confront him, he repeatedly denied all she was saying. He insinuated she was crazy to even think such a thing. He tore into her accusations to the point she retreated into another room. She was consumed with guilt. How could a godly woman have such demonic thoughts? Nevertheless, several other puzzle pieces began to fall into place, and finally she had a completed picture that could not be denied. When confronted this time, Michael finally acknowledged his unfaithfulness.
Janice is like many women who learn to suffer in silence. The silence can last for a month to years until a woman feels she has enough evidence to confront her mate. Even after the initial confrontation, it may take an extended period of time before she has the guts to let someone else know of the betrayal. There are numerous Christian women who do not feel comfortable in approaching a pastor or another in the church to resolve the problem. The thought of the betrayal becoming public is unbearable. Receiving shame, guilt, hostility, and being labeled and ostracized by those who should love you is just too much to bear. It is an indictment to the body of Christ when a Christian woman in trouble does not feel safe in approaching her Christian sisters or brothers for assistance when she is helpless.
Many Christian women, especially when betrayed by a husband who holds a position in the church or community, will suffer silently for various reasons. It can be pride, where she does not want the exposure of a failed relationship. Other Christian women can be cruel in making statements that she should have been able to keep her husband fulfilled, not knowing the husband could have been married to the best woman walking on planet Earth, and he still would have wandered. It could be she truly loves him and does not want to cause him or his reputation any harm. She may have hope the relationship can be worked out, and if she exposes his sin, others—even in the church—may never look at him the same way. He may lose his position and influence. She may try to protect the children involved so they are not devastated as she has been by his betrayal. She may conclude she can handle it, but the children cannot. Face it, there are Christian women who may need the support or else do not want to give up the comforts he provides, and will suffer silently to continue to receive such support. She learns to live with him because her heart has become hard and calloused as well. Some women are just very private and come from generations of those who never reveal what is taking place in their homes. Their motto is "to do or die!" They will suffer silently until placed in their graves.
You cannot tell everyone your business, but when betrayal takes place in your love relationship it helps to have a Christian sister come along to strengthen you and pray for you. While it is not wise to run to someone with every issue that arises in your relationship, there are severe incidents when soliciting the help of a Christian sister becomes mandatory. You will need someone (of course the Lord) to come alongside of you to gird you up.
When something is kept in the dark and under cover, it appears Satan rejoices. He is the prince of darkness and operates in the realm of darkness and lies. Don't let him deceive you into believing you are better off covering over sin and leaving your mate to spiral down further into sin. A day will come when you are forced to deal with the issue, and it may be that had it been confronted earlier, it would not be as complicated as it is now. This is not a time to turn the other cheek. It is not a time to be in denial as an ostrich with its head hidden underground. First John 1:5 (KJV) states, "God is light and in Him is no darkness at all." This should teach us to bring everything out into the light where nothing is hidden. Of course, Hebrews 4:13 (NIV) lets you know, "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."
Whether something is in the light or the dark, God sees it plainly. So you need to deal honestly and expose it all to the light so the truth can be revealed and dealt with in faith. The quest is to bring it all out, but not necessarily to all people. Both parties need to flush out all of the sewage that has piled up over time. It may bring more pain and hurt, but it is necessary. For some men, once exposed, it almost becomes a relief. They do not have to sneak and hide anymore. Others will deny any proof you may present. If you have to go alone, get some help. Ask God to direct you to someone who can be trusted. Stop suffering silently ... the scavenger lurking in the dark is growing stronger and stronger and will one day pounce upon you with the goal of wiping you out completely. Ask God to help you bring it out of the darkness into His marvelous light. In the light is healing, peace, and restored joy. When you decide to bring it out into the light with a trusted person God has led you to, you will have placed yourself in a position where healing can begin. Faith will sustain you as you work out the kinks in the relationship, whether it continues or not. There are some Christian women who are too quick to leave a marriage or relationship that could have been repaired had they been willing to do what was necessary to mend the damage. Just because infidelity has taken place does not mean you have to get a divorce. By the grace of God, some relationships have become stronger after a time of suffering because both parties are now honestly open and not taking one another for granted as before. God specializes in what is impossible with people.
On the other hand, there are some Christian women who will pay a heavy price for secretly holding on to a lie. Their life begins to be snuffed out as their hair falls out, their nerves are destroyed, their personality changes, their health begins to fail, and they are mentally distraught. They can become codependent and not face the truth about their need for this toxic relationship. They may have a false sense of loyalty to someone who is abusing them, thinking it is the godly thing to stay with him. The longer they stay in this relationship, the more their life will be in jeopardy. If this sounds like you, you need to get help right away. Your pastor or trusted Christian sister may be the one you approach. If you are in between congregations at this time, you may need to call an organization such as Focus on the Family (1-800-A-Family) to get counsel.
You may say, "Paula, it was not my spouse that left my heart shattered; it was my best friend or a family member." Likewise, seek to be reconciled with them by flushing out all that may be in the dark. If they do not desire reconciliation, then you still seek help for yourself. You want your heart to be mended so you will still have the capacity to "give" and "receive" sincere love. Be reminded that Jesus said in Hebrews 13:5 (KJV), "I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." You don't have to suffer in silence, for it will only lead to a hostile heart.
Hostile Heart
Olivia had a vibrant personality. She led the woman's ministry at church and had the respect of all the leadership. She knew the Bible inside out and would give godly counsel whenever requested. She played the piano various Sundays and would serve in other areas when time permitted. She and Jeff were admired as having the perfect marriage, until Jeff left the church with Marshal's wife. Olivia and Marshal were stunned by the disclosure of their spouses' affair. While Marshal was able to pick up the pieces and remain in the church assembly, Olivia made the choice to move out of town.
Olivia, who was thought to have had the perfect life, was now living in a blanket of regret. She reminisced how wonderful Jeff was when they first met and how much it appeared he loved her. What could have changed all of that? She could see how she may have contributed to the breakup, but not to the extent things could not have been worked out. Why didn't he at least put forth some effort to restore their relationship? Why did he give it up so freely? Wasn't she worth it? How could all those years not count for something? How could all they did together just vanish in a puff of smoke? The more she pondered one question after another, the more hostility she felt toward Jeff. How could she have wasted her life on him, out of all the other men she could have given herself to?
Once a love relationship has been ended abruptly, it can lead to a hostile heart. A hostile heart is a sick heart. It overflows with a mixture of emotions such as retribution, anger, and malice. A woman is left with feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, insanity, and inferiority. When a woman has a hostile heart, she may experience a roller-coaster ride of rejection, guilt, depression, defeat, sorrow, shame, resentment, disappointment, lack of trust, and low self-worth. She will remain in this cesspool until she gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's not enough to be overwhelmed with the influx of negative emotions; she may even turn on herself with severe criticism for past and present actions. Some Christian women even contemplate taking their own lives. She may feel trapped with no way of escape. It may be hard to complete a sentence, much less know the next step to take. It may feel as if she is the walking dead—not quite feeling as if she is in her body or able to connect with those around her. An almost out of the body experience—if such a thing exists.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Dropped but Not Brokenby Paula Harris Copyright © 2011 by Paula Harris. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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