CHAPTER 1
The Denial
If You're Not Sure Where to Start, Always Start with the Breath
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children do. We were meant to manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us but in all of us. And as we shine our own light, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others (Williamson, 1992, pp.190–191).
I have always loved this passage by Marianne Williamson because it is true. Isn't it? We really don't fear failure as much as rising to the top. What will that mean to the people around us? Will we lose them? What if they don't like us anymore? What if they think we are stuck up?
Then what?
We are unhappy because we are longing for quiet, a sense of being grounded, optimistic, open and free energy in our bodies, openheartedness, and in time, peace. But we have had those things all along, just as Dorothy did in The Wizard of Oz. The good witch says, "Just click your heels together and say, 'There's no place like home, no place like home.'" We have always been there, so all we need to do is open up our eyes and hearts and look around at what we have created.
Sometimes there is a payoff in living in failure. You don't need to try. You already know the outcome. It is easier o be depressed than it is to be dynamic! We need to push beyond the disappointments we feel about ourselves. Not following through is letting yourself down. That is much easier than pushing through and putting the pedal to the metal, so to speak, and just getting it done. It is fear that stops us. I understand that, and I have let myself down on many occasions, only to feel very disappointed in myself. We have trouble letting others down, but how many times in our lives have we let down the most important person — ourselves? We don't seem to value the us in our lives. Being called selfish is something we are so afraid of. Were we taught somewhere that self is not important? Selfishness is really self-love. I fight every day to keep myself in the forefront of my life. Not because I am so narcissistic, but rather because I allow everyone to move to the front of my life. The calls I need to make, errands, teaching, stuff for my family, and on and on, take precedence over sitting down and doing things for me. Carving out time to exercise, meet with friends, sit alone and just ponder nothing, take a bath, and go out in nature all get moved to one day on my bucket list. Doing just any one of those things feels better in our bodies and hearts.
Why are we so unhappy if we have everything we need?
Ultimately we want to be good, don't you think? We want to please everyone and make them like us and do well in our jobs. I don't know if men feel this, but most women do: the feeling of needing to be good and right. We want to answer the questions right. We want to be good girls and have everything turn out right in our lives — and have happily ever afters. I see it every day when we won't let ourselves be in the center of our own lives. Everyone else gets a piece of us, so we end up too tired to work out or take time to notice how our bodies are feeling. We are all intuitive; we just need to listen. If you are someone who has never really listened to that little voice inside, it will be quiet at first. If you stick with it and trust it, it will get louder and truer and truer over time.
There is a science behind the joy of sharing joy. In Psychology Today, Emma Seppälä, PhD says, "Positive experiences happen to us every day yet, we don't take full advantage of them." She goes on to ask:
Ever notice that it has been a great day and you got eight hours of sleep, it's the weekend and you just spent quality time with a friend but it takes one harsh word from someone or one piece of bad news to ruin the day? (Seppälä 2013)
Research by Shelley Gable and Jonathan Haidt suggests that we actually have three times more positive experiences than negative ones. What makes us a slave to the bad feeling? Why do those experiences rate higher than our positive ones? ("What (and Why) is Positive Psychology" - "Review of General Psychology" 2005)
Researchers have identified two main tendencies that keep us from expanding, extending, and experiencing our joy: the negative bias and habituation. The negative bias refers to the mind's innate tendency to give more value to the negative, and habituation refers to the fact that while we receive boosts of happiness from new, positive experiences, over time we get used to these experiences and they no longer have the same effect.
I don't think we value our joys enough in this culture. When I started talking to people about what I wanted to do, I received many a blank stare, followed by, "Really? You're writing about that?" Yet, I feel it is so important to notice the joy all around us — to be open to others and allow both the good and the bad feelings of the day to wash through us, to acknowledge them but not to get too attached to either of them. If we can ride the waves of those feelings, in the end we can pick which one we want to land on. The most important point here, beyond all else, is that it starts with the breath and the ability to inhale and exhale, let go, and be present.
Tanya's story:
Tanya was a woman in her mid-fifties who was very unhappy in her life and in her body. She was about forty pounds overweight, and everything weighed her down. She ate too much and drank too much wine.
She had pain in her body, and she was ready to give up. She was negative all the time, and to be totally honest, I don't even know if I liked her at times. She showed up at my studio and wanted help. I asked what she wanted to change about her life, to which she answered, "Everything." That's a nice jumping-off point for me. When people are ready to strip away at the layer that makes them resist everything, then they are ready to begin to move beyond the physical side of what is holding them back. That's a start! We started moving a little at a time and doing a lot of deep breathing.
Breathing to me is essential; it connects us to the deepest part of ourselves and helps us focus inward.
Most of the time, we don't notice our breath. Our breathing is unconscious, and when we allow ourselves to focus on it, we become more centered. We need that, especially when we rush through most of the day. I made Tanya put all her expectations on hold and just do the work. We didn't talk about her diet, because I wanted to make her a mover first. When she became a really great mover, she started to think about her day differently: how much she could move in a day, parking farther away at the mall, and adding ten more minutes of waking. She took the stairs, she wore a Fitbit to track her steps, and suddenly it all became a game. When she left herself alone, she was really good; when she got into her head, she overanalyzed everything and became extremely critical of herself. When you criticize everything, you become that negative, lower-vibe energy, which causes you to become stagnate. Staying positive puts us in a much higher vibrational place.
Months went by, and Tanya started thinking about her wine and her eating. We talked about very simple things, from cutting her portions down to ideas for snacking and then tracking her food.
When you write down what you eat in a day, you can see where the holes in your diet are and where you tend to go off course.
In Tanya's case, the weight slowly came off, and her life and her attitude started to lift. She was very funny, and her smile and humor came back. She was rarely negative and was extremely appreciative and even noticeably happier, which made her look years younger. Funny how that can happen. It all started with her breathing.
Let's try some focused breathing right now.
Step 1: Breathing
Go ahead and laugh. Breathing? First, most of us don't consciously breathe — ever. Second, it seems so simple.
You can do this almost anywhere. If you are somewhere safe, then close your eyes; if you are driving, eyes open, of course. Sit up straight in a chair, in the car, anywhere you have support. Have your spine feel long, and if you are in a chair, rest against the back for support. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold the breath for two counts, and then slowly let it out through your mouth, as if you are blowing through a straw. Try this ten more times. Return to breathing normally and just notice.
Notice whatever is going on in you. You may think this is annoying, stupid, boring, or relaxing — every feeling is okay. Keeping your eyes closed, I want you to pay attention to the gentle rise and fall of your belly; do this for a few breaths. Next, feel the rise and fall of your chest.
Think of your chest as an accordion, filling the lungs out sideways and then contracting, slowly allowing the air to fill your chest.
Just notice.
Take a deep breath in, hold for two counts, and slowly let it out. Repeat your breathing ten more times. Don't worry about the count; just breathe and notice how you are feeling. Just let your body release and stay present. Try this during your day — before you get out of bed in the morning, at the end of the day, or when you are feeling very tired. If you are very angry or frustrated, this helps because it slows your heart rate down. When it slows down your heart rate, everything in your body starts to relax. Your blood pressure will drop, and you will notice yourself getting quieter and a little more present in your body. This is great to do when you are really frustrated with kids, your job, and your life. Do this right before you are about to explode, and it can take your blood pressure way, way down and keep you a little saner. Practice this often and try to take two deep breaths before you leave your car, go into work, go home, or go out to the store. Allow yourself to become centered. Allow it to become your breath mediation. We are creating new habits, so you will need to practice often. Try it for twenty-one days and see if you don't feel different.
Remember, it all starts with the breath.
Recap Chapter 1
The Denial
1. It's time to become the center of your life.
2. Positive experiences happen to us every day, but we tend to focus on the negative ones.
3. What you think about becomes your life.
4. Breathe and develop focused breathing. Take a deep breath in for two counts, hold for two counts, and slowly exhale out through your mouth for two counts. Do it ten times.
5. Before you get out of bed, take two focused breaths, and again before going to work, picking up your kids, getting in your car, and going to bed. Let your deep breaths keep you in the moment.
CHAPTER 2
The Gift of Pain
Pain is a voice we need to listen to.
I am going to address the female population for a few moments to explain how women are different from men. As women, we are givers — at least most of us are — and yet, we are often very stingy with ourselves. I hear this day in and day out about how there isn't enough time and how we don't know how to help ourselves. I think we do know, but we deny ourselves out of self-loathing. We deny ourselves the very thing that we want, because then we would be whole. We would have no more excuses, and ultimately, we might be happier.
Let's think about that for a minute. Is that why it is so hard to attain our goals? Because we might get what we want, and that is the very thing we are afraid of? That means we are also afraid of the loss of the old us — the old definition of us that we hold everything we want at arm's length just to keep ourselves in the place that feels comfortable and safe. Afraid that if we stretch — and believe me, it is a stretch — and have some discomfort, we won't be able to handle it.
I have days when I give and I give and I give, and at the end of the day, I have very little left for myself. I am so disappointed with myself on those days. I am disappointed because I didn't go for a walk or sit outside and enjoy the birds or sit with a cup of tea or take a bath or call a friend. At those times I usually eat food I don't want to eat, drink too much wine, and fail to nurture myself. I am too tired to nurture myself. Continue this year in and year out, and now the healer is compromised, the mother is compromised, the father is compromised, the worker is compromised, the student is compromised, the grandparent is compromised, and on and on. In that moment, I really feel as if I have let myself down, and I have, because everyone and everything goes to the top of my list. The flip side of this is that when I do one thing that really takes care of me, I feel good, and on most days, I feel great! I end my day satisfied that I helped others, yet I also took care of the most important person, which is me. Self-care has got to go to the top of our list of things to do in the day.
Whenever I have clients who tell me they are in pain, I tell them that's their gift. Of course, I get a totally confused look until what I am saying begins to make sense to them. The body is always talking to you and asking you to listen. Most times we don't listen unless we are in pain. I think I heard Oprah say it: "First, life throws you a pebble, and if you don't get that, it throws a brick, and if you don't get that, it throws a boulder, and if you don't get that, you hit a brick wall." Something to wake us up, so we finally get the message. When we feel good in our bodies and all is right, we don't think about our bodies. Only when there is a problem that hurts enough do we make a change. We will do anything to get out of pain. That's when I get the most calls. Help, I need to see you right now!
How can we change that?
What is it we really want but cannot let ourselves have? Peace. I feel it is peace in our souls. In all the hectic craziness around us, I think in our hearts, we want some sort of peace, unconditional love, and understanding from ourselves — as if we are our own best friends. We are, and yet we forget ourselves. We leave us out of the party. We deny ourselves the very things we really want from our best friends: connection and compassion.
What does peace feel like? A description in Merriam- Webster Dictionary.com is 1: a state of tranquility or quiet: such as a: freedom from civil disturbance b: a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom. 2. freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. (Merriam-Webster.com) Can you image what that would mean in your life and your body? Have you ever been in that place? Even for a split second? I would venture to say yes, you have been there, but the number of times has been few and far between, because it is often out of your comfort range. But that is where we need to live: out of our comfort range, so the new place — that expanded space — becomes comfortable. Does the feeling of needing perfection in our lives keep us from getting close to our truth? The answer to that is yes! Because things will never be good enough. That feeling of never being good enough because we are not perfect lives deep inside of all of us. But how can that be when we are all magnificent beings just by being alive?
What if we start off each day with what I call me focus: What am I going to do for myself today?
Do one thing a day that takes care of your soul, and you will notice it. That is the important part — that you notice for yourself, that you realize you are honoring your importance. Keep it small: have a cup of tea instead of running to do an errand, walk in the park, sit in nature, take a class you've been wanting to take, write a note to a friend, write a note to yourself, run or walk (especially when you don't want to), make yourself move in some way. It is in these smaller moments when we feel our hearts, so that when we give to others, we don't totally run out of steam for ourselves, and in those small moments, we find peace. Our posture is a physical representation of how we feel about ourselves and the way we perceive the world around us. Fear contracts the body, and joy expands the body. Anger rises to the top of the body and then explodes forward, outward. Shock freezes the body, and depression stops all movement in any direction. Stand tall and feel ready to take on the world.
