CHAPTER 1
Facing Your Fears
Fear and lack of confidence can prevent people from moving toward full independence. Below is a list of items that may add to that fear. Under each, describe a situation or circumstance that taught you to expect the fear of failure, abandonment, or disappointing others. The first sentence in each section is an example.
Fear of Failure
I feel that if I fail, no one will take me seriously. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
Fear of Abandonment
I feel that my friends will no longer want to hang out with me. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
Fear of Disappointing Others
I feel that I am going to disappoint my parents because they have done so much for me. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
What actions can you take today that will help you overcome your fears and increase your independence? Give yourself a deadline for each action, and stick to it.
Action Date
tell people my plans and goals August 31
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Moving Toward Independence
Depending too much on others can cause you to project responsibility of your own "stuff" onto others. It is important that you are able to make decisions and problem-solve on your own in order to achieve personal independence. Below, brainstorm decisions that you have let others make for you in the past as well as decisions you will make for yourself in the future.
Decisions I Have Let Others Make for Me what college I had to go to
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
6. _____________________________________________________________
7. _____________________________________________________________
8. _____________________________________________________________
9. _____________________________________________________________
10. ____________________________________________________________
Decisions I Will Make for Myself what friends I will hang out with
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
6. _____________________________________________________________
7. _____________________________________________________________
8. _____________________________________________________________
9. _____________________________________________________________
10. ____________________________________________________________
What are some positive self-messages ("I am kind to others") you can repeat to remind yourself that you are capable of making decisions and being independent?
Post your reminders throughout your living space so that you will see them throughout your day. You may want to get creative and write your messages on fancy paper or use recipe cards and decorate them with your own unique style.
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
Setting Goals
We all strive to create goals that we hope to accomplish one day. We often set the bar too high, which makes it difficult for us to reach our goals. We then develop insecurities, shame, and disappointment in ourselves. We begin to feel helpless and useless because nothing ever goes the way we want it to.
When we change our goals to be more realistic or break them down into smaller, more manageable ones, we begin to have feelings of accomplishment and success.
Oftentimes the goals we set are not unrealistic, but the approach we take to accomplish the goal is unrealistic. When I create a goal for myself, I create a multistep processes. I begin by setting an end goal. I then create a list, and it becomes my long-term goal list. Next, I write each goal at the top of a page. I write each goal on a separate sheet of paper. It may seem like a waste of paper, but it will be important as we go along.
With the goal at the top of the paper, I begin to write all the steps that will be required to reach the goal. These smaller steps are my short-term goals. Next to each short-term goal, I write a realistic date of when I think I will complete this step or goal. As I write each goal, I think of the SMART goal process by George T. Doran. "There's a SMART way to write management's goals and objectives" Here is an example of a goal:
Goal: Drink Eight Glasses of Water Each Day
• Specific. Drink one glass of water every two hours.
• Measurable. Make a checklist to keep track of how much water I drink.
• Achievable. Set a timer on my phone that will go off every two hours to remind me to drink a glass of water.
• Realistic.I am awake for at least sixteen hours a day; therefore, I will be able to drink a glass of water every two hours.
• Time oriented. By setting a specific amount of glasses and not just saying that I will increase the amount of water I drink, I can determine how often I need to drink. I can set my day up for success with alarms and checklists.
Once you have repeated this process, you will have a more realistic plan for obtaining your goals. This will help build your confidence by successfully completing each short-term goal and moving toward your long-term goals.
Having a plan like this will help organize your daily routine and enable you to eliminate those feelings of hopelessness and self-doubt.
The plan for each of your goals can be added right into your agenda or daily planner so that you can create a schedule that will direct you toward your goals. One important factor in creating your goals is making sure your goals are specific. The more specific your goals are, the easier it will be to reach them.
The following pages will help get you in a routine of setting and accomplishing goals.
Go for the Goal
Short-term goals are essential for self-esteem and a sense of productivity in our daily lives.
Write some goals below that you wish to incorporate into your life.
It is never too soon or too late to get started.
Make your short-term goals simple and easy to accomplish ("brush my teeth").
Today I will ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
Today I will ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
Today I will ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
It's Time to Set Some Goals!
Achieving your goals is not going to happen overnight. Goals must be predetermined, and a plan has to be put into action so that success can be reached.
In the space provided, set four specific goals that you did not set in the previous pages. For each goal, identify possible challenges or obstacles you may face and how you think you will be able to overcome those challenges.
Goal #1
Possible challenges/obstacles:
Ways to overcome them:
Goal #2
Possible challenges/obstacles:
Ways to overcome them:
Goal #3
Possible challenges/obstacles:
Ways to overcome them:
Goal #4
Possible challenges/obstacles:
Ways to overcome them:
Setting SMART Goals
It is important to create goals for all areas of our lives. In the space provided, create a goal for each of the following areas, and describe the first step that you will take to accomplish that goal. Be as specific as you can. You may need to look back at the "Setting Goals" chapter to remind you about SMART goals.
Home Environment
Goal:
First step(s):
Work Environment
Goal:
First step(s):
Education Environment
Goal:
First step(s):
Social Environment
Goal:
First step(s):
Coping and Dealing
Goal:
First step(s):
Other
Goal:
First step(s):
Little Obstacles
We all have personal barriers that sometimes prevent us from acting in our best interest. Read the words below, and circle the ones that best relate to your life. Add your own barriers in the spaces provided.
abuse
anger
apathy
avoidance
being perfect
blaming
confusion
denial
dishonesty
excuses
grief
guilt
low self-esteem
pain
pretending
pride
regret
rigidity
stubbornness
vulnerability
worry
Personal Reflections
__________________________________________ is/are my biggest barrier(s).
They/it prevent(s) me from . ___________________________________________.
I can confront this/these barrier(s) by ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________.
Factors That Can Increase Vulnerability
There are times in our lives when we are more likely to feel bad about ourselves — or the people around us. We know when we are going through these times when we have low self-esteem, are constantly thinking negative thoughts, isolate ourselves, do not feel supported by others, or do not handle stress the way we usually do.
In the following space, identify ways you can improve these factors so that you can prepare yourself if these vulnerabilities interfere with your progress of reaching happiness.
Which ones are factors in your life? Explain how you can improve these factors.
Low Self-Esteem
Make a list of all the things that I am good at. When I feel sad about myself, I can pick one and do it.
Constant Negative Thinking
Write twice as many positive thoughts in my journal as negative thoughts.
Inability to Express Yourself
Sing out loud, and dance like nobody is watching.
No Social Support Network
Phone Courtney or another friend.
Poor Stress Management
Put on my headphones and go for a thirty-minute walk.
Changes
Change is unavoidable and can cause increased amounts of stress, frustration, confusion, and uncertainty about the future. We all have to change so that we can learn and grow as individuals. To make change easier, answer the following questions. This way, you can better prepare yourself for your new exciting life journey.
1. List circumstances in your life that are contributing to your dissatisfaction, stress, or frustration. Explain why. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
2. What circumstances do you wish were present in your life that would increase your sense of personal fulfillment? List them below. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
3. What activities do you wish you were more regularly involved in? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
4. What changes could you make to ensure you have more time for activities that increase positivity in your life? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
5. What, if any, responsibilities would you like to share with others in order to reduce your stress level? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
6. Who in your life would you share your responsibilities with to lessen your load? Think about people you interact with every day — family, friends, church members, coworkers, and so forth. What would you like them to do to help you make changes in your life? ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________
All Good Things
To start on the path of positive thinking, answer the following questions. The answers will give you a better understanding of all the positive things around you — and show you what you can do to keep a positive outlook.
List five things that are already positive in your life.
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
List five personal strengths that you use to enrich your life and the lives of those around you.
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
What simple changes could you make to help bring balance to your life?
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
How can you use your personal strengths to bring more positivity and satisfaction into your life?
1. _____________________________________________________________
2. _____________________________________________________________
3. _____________________________________________________________
4. _____________________________________________________________
5. _____________________________________________________________
Focus on the Positive and Eliminate the Negative
Look at the world around you. Where is there good? Happiness? Contentment?
Using the space below, write a letter to yourself that expresses your happiness, contentment, admiration, or satisfaction with the things you find most important in your life.
On the Bright Side of Positivity
To help you stay focused on the positive aspects of your life, make a list of the things that you like about yourself, things you like in general, people you like, and things that make you happy.
What I Like about Myself
Things I Like
People I Like
Things That Make Me Happy
