Be a Friend (Paperback)

Children are often curious about others and ask questions or form assumptions about those they perceive as different in less than ideal ways. By introducing characteristics of autism in a manner that promotes understanding and inclusion, assumptions based on fear or confusion can be avoided, and attitudes of acceptance, kindness, and empathy can be fostered.

This book allows the discussion to go one step further by enabling families to share about their child with autism, if they choose, in a personalized, authentic way. 

Children are often curious about others and ask questions or form assumptions about those they perceive as different in less than ideal ways. By introducing characteristics of autism in a manner that promotes understanding and inclusion, assumptions based on fear or confusion can be avoided, and attitudes of acceptance, kindness, and empathy can be fostered.

All people are unique in the things we like and do.

No matter who you are, there’s no one just like you. Our brains help make us different; no two brains are just the same.

Sometimes people like music, while others love basketball games.

Some brains have what’s called autism, which means they’re especially unique. Autism could make people seem different. So let’s learn about autism; take a peek!

Autism exists on a spectrum, which means there is a wide variety in how it presents; no two people with autism are exactly the same, just as no two people are exactly the same. People with autism may behave, communicate, interact, and learn in unique ways. Their brains are different, which allows them to see the world in unexpected and unique ways. Throughout this book, we are going to learn about autism and how it impacts how someone may see and experience the world. Understanding ourselves and others can allow us to be kind and accepting to all. What do you know about autism?

Special Interests

We all have special interests–things we enjoy doing or talking about. And sometimes our friends who have autism have one interest they just can’t live without!

People with autism might be especially interested in something or even have exceptional knowledge of a topic. For example, if they are interested in trains, they may like to only play with trains or be able to tell you lots of facts about trains. You can be a good friend by understanding this is something that is important to them and supporting their interest; you could ask them a question about it to start a conversation–and remind them to ask you questions about your interests, too! What are your special interests?

Routines are the way we are used to doing things–the order we like things to go. And while changing plans might not bother you, for others, it can make their day domino!

Friends with autism often have specific routines. Maybe they prefer to always do the same activity, wear a similar outfit, or only eat specific types of foods. When there’s a change to their routine, it can cause them to have big feelings that could be hard to handle. Even if just one thing happens that is unexpected or out of the ordinary, it can cause them to feel like things are toppling out of control–just like dominoes! You can be a good friend by respecting their routines and understanding change may be tricky for them. As a good friend, you can stay kind and calm if changes upset them. Do you have any routines you like to follow?

Literal Thinking

Sometimes the meaning of things we say are not always completely clear. And, often, our friends with autism believe exactly what they hear.

Communication can sometimes be challenging for people with autism. This happens because they are literal thinkers, and sometimes believe exactly what they hear. However, people don’t always use words in ways that mean exactly what they say. For example, when we say something is “a piece of cake,” this means something is really easy. But, if you were to tell someone with autism “last night’s homework was a piece of cake!” they might really think you had a piece of cake for homework–and while that would be delicious, it probably is not true! Our friends with autism might not pick up on hidden meanings in words, so we might need to change the way we say things. If we notice our friends are confused by something that was said, we can kindly explain it or say it again in a different way. We can also be careful with joking with autistic friends until they know us well and understand the ways we like to be funny. Are there any words or phrases that have ever confused you? What happened?

Communication

Words aren’t the only way we speak to others. We can also use body language, signs, or our eyes. So don’t give up on reaching out if it’s tricky. It can work, but might take a few tries!

Sometimes people with autism can talk just like you, while others may communicate in a different way. Some people might find it difficult to talk, while others could speak or sound differently. Some autistic friends like to repeat words or phrases, while others may use pictures, devices, or other technology to help them communicate. Some days, they may be willing to talk and play, while other times, they may not want to talk, share, or take turns. This doesn’t mean they don’t like you; it might mean they prefer to be alone or need a break. If you notice they seem interested in what you are doing, ask them if they’d like to join you, even if they have said no in the past! You can be a friend by understanding that just because we don’t all communicate in the same way, we can still find ways to get along. Just because someone may not want to play one day doesn’t mean they never will-keep trying! How would it feel if you wanted to play with a friend, but didn’t know how to ask?

Socializing

Some people love meeting others. They look straight at you and say hello. But for others it’s not quite as easy; instead of opening right up, they take it slow.

People with autism might not have an easy time talking to others. They may not make eye contact, and sometimes it may seem like they prefer to be alone. You may see them watching first before they are comfortable joining you. You can be a good friend by understanding they may need some time and space before they are ready to participate in activities. Just because they don’t want to join in at first doesn’t mean they never will, so remember to respect their wishes, but also know you can continue to reach out and see if they want to play with you at different times. A simple “hi” in the hallways or a wave when you see them out in the community might seem small, but could help them feel accepted and eventually open up. Do you find it easy or hard to talk to other people?

Perspective Taking

For friends with autism it can be tricky to look at things a different way. They might think things can only be black or white, instead of realizing they can also be gray.

Being able to look at events from a different perspective means that we try tounderstand a situation from someone else’s point of view. “Black and White thinking” refers to the fact that sometimes people see only one possibility or only look at things one way. For example, If you were given black and white paint, you would have those two options; but, you also could mix them together to create a new option: gray. People with autism, however, might not originally think to mix it up; they may need encouragement to look at it a different way. Our autistic friends may find it tricky to understand perspectives different from theirs. You may notice it’s hard to change their mind. You can be a good friend to them in these situations by understanding they aren’t being rude when they don’t see things your way; this is just how they think. They may need to be reminded there are always different ways to look at situations. Can you think of a time it was tricky for you to see things from a different point of view? Why is it important to understand other’s thoughts and feelings?

Sensory Needs

Sometimes, our senses aren’t happy–senses meaning things we smell, taste, see, hear, and feel. And while loud noises or scratchy socks might not bother you, to others, they can be a big deal.

Everyone has different sensory needs. For example, some people like tight hugs, while others prefer not to be touched. Different textures, such as tags in clothing, could also make people very uncomfortable. Some friends with autism don’t like food that’s too squishy or crunchy, so they eat similar foods each day. They also might use movement to help them feel calm or stay focused; they may move their body in different ways repeatedly. Other times, some senses can be too much for people to take, so they want to avoidthem; for example, they may cover their ears or wear headphones when things are too loud for them. They may even choose to avoid or limit their participation in certain activities because of their sensory needs. You can be a good friend by understanding what others do and do not prefer, and giving them space if they seem overwhelmed. Are there any sounds, smells, tastes, or textures you like or dislike? What are they?

Feelings

Understanding the way others are feeling is something our brains help us do. But for our friends who have autism, emotions might not be as clear as to you.

Emotions are hard for all of us to understand at times! We can learn to use body language-the faces people make and their posture-to guess at what they are feeling. For example, when we see someone smiling, we can guess they are happy. For our friends with autism, though, emotions could be harder to understand. To help friends with autism understand our feelings, we can use words to explain them when we don’t think they fully understand. For example, if they have said something that makes you laugh, you could say “Wow, that was really funny!” so they know what you are feeling and why you are laughing–and so they don’t think you are laughing at them! Expressing emotions can also be tricky. Sometimes, when we are mad, we feel like we could explode–and this happens to friends with autism, too. You might notice they don’t always use their words to express their feelings, but instead might show their emotions through actions. You can be a good friend in these situations by responding to the emotions that they show appropriately. If they seem excited and want to join in on something, let them! But, if they seem upset, they mightneed some time by themselves, and that’s okay too. Are you usually able to tell how someone else is feeling? How?

Embracing the ways we are different makes the world more accepting and kind. When we learn from and show empathy to others, no one will be left behind. PEERspective means acknowledging the different ways everyone in the world thinks and learns. No two people are the same, but we all have many ways in which we are alike. All people, both with and without autism, want to feel included and cared for. When we act with acceptance, kindness, and empathy, we not only help others feel included, but we can also learn from them–and they can learn from us. Acceptance means we appreciate everyone for who they are and the things that make them unique. Kindness is the quality of being friendly and including those around us. Empathy is being able to understand and care about how someone else feels. By treating others with acceptance, kindness, and empathy we can be a friend and help to make the world a better place.