CHAPTER 1
Powerful Baby Steps
You might be thinking, Who is this Martin Cohen? Why should I trust him when I've been trying so hard and nothing has changed? All my clients think this way. But then we move ahead, and their lives begin to shift.
In our first meeting, I request of my clients the following: they must generate a new action and take a powerful baby step. This demonstrates the possibility of transforming their relationships by using my coaching guidelines. If they cannot take the baby step, the journey will not proceed. For you, taking a baby step will help you to see how far you can go with the guidelines provided in this book. Take the baby step.
If you decide this doesn't work for you, that's your choice. You can put the book down, complain about it at your local bookstore, ship it back to Amazon, delete it from your tablet, or dump it in the trash. But if you do choose to take the powerful baby step, your life will change. You will noticeably alter how your partner relates to you. I've seen my clients' relationships transform almost instantly in front of me. In mere minutes! The baby step is that powerful.
your First Baby Step
You can take this first powerful baby step on your own. Typically, I recommend that clients do it without telling their partners. That way they will see the shift in their dynamic as a couple without the possibility that it is merely a placebo effect. If you want to tell your partner after you see the shift, then this works as a good way to announce that you are being coached.
So, here's your baby step. For the next week, look for opportunities to authentically acknowledge your partner. What I mean by this is to verbally recognize and confirm her or his specific contributions to your relationship. You may acknowledge anything you like, from physical tasks like taking out the trash or cooking dinner to more emotional contributions like actively listening or contributing to a discussion of your day.
If he smiles at you in a way you like, tell him you like it. If she offers to buy dinner, say, "I appreciate that. Great. Thank you." Once you change the way you relate to your partner, she or he will respond in kind. Your interactions will stand out and your communications will be different from what you have established as your pattern.
A crucial part of this baby step is that you not use it as a technique. Your partner will pick up on any attempt at manipulation, so don't try too hard. If you make a conscious effort to observe the little things that happen between you, you will notice plenty of opportunities to authentically acknowledge your partner. When you find one, say something. Then sit back and observe the response.
This baby step is powerful because when a man feels authentically acknowledged, he feels empowered to take care of his woman — not only to take care of her, but to take great care of her — and when a woman feels authentically acknowledged, she experiences being known and profoundly respected. Your partner may increase how often he holds your hand in public, or she may want to be intimate more often when you're in private. She may show you more affection; he may treat you with greater respect. When you authentically acknowledge your partner on a consistent basis, you experience being profoundly respected. This is because when your partner feels acknowledged and taken care of, you will experience being respected.
This simple baby step — offering authentic acknowledgment for a week — will lead to greater appreciation. The appreciation will be felt by both of you, and this will create a snowball effect. The positive results will continue to expand. After taking your first baby step, you may be encouraged by the results. However, you will most likely still feel that having an extraordinary relationship with your partner is a long shot, a far off dream that might never come true. Most of my clients feel this way in the beginning, but if you are open to not knowing everything and open to the coaching in this book, you will have the transformation in your relationship that you desire. You might not believe it right now, but soon enough you will see even more incredible results. Then you will be certain.
Take Another Step
Maybe you had terrific results with the first baby step and want to attempt another one. Or perhaps the reaction you saw from your partner was just so-so, and you're not quite convinced my coaching will work for you. Either way, the second baby step is important. Take this step and you will be amazed at the results. The next time you and your partner begin to argue about something, see if you can change what you say into a request. Instead of saying, "I don't really like it when ..." or "I hate it when ..." or "You drive me nuts when ..." you can say, "Would you mind if I made a request? You don't have to accept it, but I'd appreciate it if you would ..."
Most of us are used to arguing. We're used to the pinball game of going back and forth with words. We say something we know will trigger a reaction, and then we watch that reaction, which in turn escalates our partner's reaction. Pretty soon we're throwing tantrums or taking ourselves away, refusing to speak to one another or exploding and saying unforgivably hurtful things.
When you make a request, it stops the pinball game. A request makes the other person stop yelling and stop being defensive because she or he needs to think. This forces the other person to engage with the question and the request, which stops the argument and begins a new conversation. That doesn't necessarily mean the fight will be resolved, because your request can always be denied, but it does mean you'll stop yelling. That's a good start to resolving any conflict.
You can try this with a knock-down, drag-out fight, a screaming match, or a little disagreement. You can use it as a way to discuss pesky habits that bug you. For example, say a loving couple — Bob and Linda — is in the middle of a nasty argument. Both are insistent they are right about their respective opinions. Then Linda stops arguing midstream, looks directly at her partner, and says, "Bob, I have a request for you. Would you please share with me what you think my point of view is in this argument?" Bob immediately stops speaking and begins to think about what Linda has been saying. He proceeds to tell her what he believes she was attempting to communicate.
There is a visible shift that comes over Bob in directing Linda's communication back to her. An instantaneous phenomenon has just occurred. Bob has entered into Linda's world. What follows is this: Linda reflects Bob's point of view. Bob is touched that Linda understands him so deeply. Their argument no longer exists! An opening for the loving commitment they have for each other is all that is present. The request is what caused a breakthrough in their relationship.
So use Linda and Bob's technique next time you have an opportunity. Every argument, disagreement, or annoying habit is another chance for communication, a way to achieve a breakthrough in your relationship. Both of these baby steps will support you in taking giant steps on your path to that dream-come-true relationship.
CHAPTER 2
An Ontological Perspective — Standing In the Future
Over the past thirty years, I've heard a lot of secondhand advice — the kind received by my clients about relationships. Wow. There's a lot of misinformed advice out there! The advice you may get from friends is mostly talk; there is no solution there. It may make you feel better at the time, but following the advice does not improve the relationship. That's because most conventional relationship advice focuses on fixing problems caused by past history or issues. Those approaches are faulty because both the history and the issues were inadvertently created.
In reality, there's no reason to bring your past into your present, much less your future. Our culture has given those psychological concepts — the things that happened in our past — way too much power and prominence. When a relationship isn't living up to all it could be, it is easy to label that a problem and to try to fix it, but the reason that approach doesn't create the kind of change you intend is that it's fundamentally impossible to change another person unless the other person is completely on board with the change and the method.
With my clients, I focus on their commitment to the future. My approach is based on an ontological perspective — that is, the intentional focus is on who you are being rather than on what you do or what you have. It can be helpful to think of ontology as anything but ordinary thinking. In psychology, the past directly impacts the present. It's as if you are standing in the past while breathing in the present. In ontology, we begin with the future, as if you are standing in the future while breathing in the present; that has the potential for breakthrough. We create a new future by defining what we are committed to and then using that as the measure for our behavior and decisions in present time.
It is essential for you to creatively design your future as a reality — that is, to imagine your future as specifically as possible. This means you must use all of your five senses; imagine what you will see, touch, hear, smell, and taste. This will give you the most potent experience of standing with both your feet in your future. In doing so, you are creating your future as a living reality.
You are now ready to transport yourself to present time. Ask yourself the following questions: Are you being a leader in this moment? Are you, in this moment, open to possibility? Are you being positive, empathetic, generous, and transparent, or are you being negative, conflicted, angry, frustrated, and passive? How does the way you are being in this moment influence your goals, dreams, and visions for the future?
Let's examine an ontological example: Have you ever wondered what it is like to be, or what being is like, for a person of the opposite gender? Can you imagine what is it like to actually experience being your partner?
If we consciously evaluate how we are being, then we can connect that to what we aspire to for our future and work toward that end. Let's suppose your goal is to be a caring spouse. Declare that out loud to yourself: "I am a caring spouse." Do this on a regular basis so you will be conscious of that declaration in your daily life. After you do this, what you are doing will either lead to or challenge you in realizing this outcome. What you accomplish will emanate from being a caring spouse.
An ontological approach does not attempt to change your partner or her or his behavior. It illuminates another perspective. Instead of trying to fix a single problem or an issue, you shift your perspective. You take a futuristic approach to your relationship, which transforms the dynamic between you and your partner.
Ask yourself the following question: how would you describe your integrity in your past and present relationships? When I say your integrity, I'm specifically pointing to the times that you did not do what you knew was expected of you. This includes when you did not keep your word when you had agreed to. The predictable response to this question is "I'm hurt, angry, embarrassed, and ashamed."
Now ask yourself this question: how would you describe your integrity in your relationships in the future? My clients typically respond with confidence, "My future integrity is impeccable and flawless! I feel free and light, no longer burdened!"
At the point that you envision having integrity in your relationship in the future, you will no longer be encumbered by your past integrity. What I mean by integrity is simply the commitment to honor your word as the essence of who you are. In your declaration of being extraordinary, your relationship to integrity affects all aspects of your workability, performance, and results.
Declaring how you are being (in this case, being a caring partner) in the moment creates an unknown future. That unknown future is completely in sync with who you've declared yourself to be and what you've declared you are committed to — that is, to having an extraordinary relationship. It's as if you are looking back from the future to present time.
The ontological perspective opens up infinite possibilities in our lives and our relationships, regardless of our behavior in the past. All that it requires is that you take a powerful stand for the future you declare and live in a way that moves you into that reality. It's okay if you don't fully understand ontology after reading this chapter. Ontology is easier to understand in action than from reading about it. As you begin to practice these new actions, you will come to a greater understanding of the process. The key point for you right now is this: your past is no longer meaningful in relation to what you are creating for your future.
CHAPTER 3
What It Is to Be Complete — A New Beginning
What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. — T.S. Eliot
Being complete is one of life's greatest challenges and cannot easily be explained. It is a phenomenon that occurs in language and in action. What does it mean to be complete? It means being whole, lacking nothing, and accepting yourself, others, and all your circumstances exactly the way they are. Being complete begins and ends with a bold declaration and does not mean "finished or over." Through your declaration of being complete, it closes that chapter of your life in a way that allows for a new opening.
The need to declare yourself complete is not limited to dealing with negative events or people. You may also declare yourself complete regarding accomplishments, breakthroughs, and other specific life experiences. Being complete emanates from language, and is generated by your word. The power of declaring oneself complete causes a finality that uncovers a vision or reality that would not have happened had you not declared yourself complete.
The fear of or resistance to declaring yourself complete perpetuates any aspect of your history that has been limiting you. If you indulge such memories or stories from your past, repeating them in a negative internal conversation, you will reinforce that conversation. This is not what you want, even if you enjoy repeating your old stories to yourself.
The existential act of declaring yourself complete not only closes the door but also locks it and throws away the key, leaving you with nothing. This will have that limitation that was previously so integral to your life disappear. You will then be left with a clear space to create what's next for you. A new door — a door to the unknown — is there for you to open. The internal conversation you were having for so long had an energy of its own. Completing this aspect of your life releases that energy. This takes courage. Consider this act a brave choice, one you are making in order to face your next life challenge magnificently.
The completion exercise below will help you to take this step. You are choosing to enter into the next realm of possibility for your life. The commitment to being complete can be communicated to yourself as you make this commitment alone. You can also choose to share it with someone else or with a group of individuals aligned to similar life changes.
Completion as a way of life is an invaluable perspective. To live this way is to take a step toward living your life more fully, at the same time creating your new future now. Once you are established in your life's commitment to being complete, you will have given yourself a life-altering gift.
completion exercise: Becoming complete with your parents
Step 1:
Speak about your relationship with your mother or father. Speak of it to yourself or with a trusted family member, friend, or peer. There's no need to break it down, relive the emotions from the past, or justify your feelings or behavior. Speak about what you are troubled by as clearly and plainly as you can. Speak with the intention to be complete.
Step 2:
Answer the following question, but limit your answer to either yes or no:
Do you have the capacity and the capability, despite whatever has happened in the past with your mother or father, to declare "I am complete with [your mother or father] unconditionally and absolutely, which means that I have affinity with and respect for [her or him] whether we agree or disagree, both in the present and the past"?
