The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays presents a collection of vignettes, narratives, and rants that detail the often absurd business of getting on with life. In an attempt to aspire to a so-called higher life, many of us fear both death and youth, reaching for perfection through the latest technical gadgets that encourage us to cling to preconceived notions of ourselves and to define ourselves through a text message. But is that really any way to truly live? Baby boomer columnist and curmudgeon Sylvia Shawcross believes that satirists have a purpose in this world-to help others to laugh at the absurdity of life. In her second compilation of humorous reflections, Shawcross begins with a hilarious recounting of the frustrating chain of events that occur when she attempts to replace a broken remote at the electronics store and continues with a series of lighthearted essays where she reveals the unconventional and often wacky behavior of those she encounters daily. From the reasons behind rampant consumerism to the forced reprogramming behind ten-digit dialing, Shawcross contemplates issues of global importance while encouraging all of us to wake up and smell the high-priced latté-for sadly, as she says, this is just how it is. The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays provides an eye-opening, amusing glimpse into the mind of a curmudgeon in all her unabashed glory.

The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book and Other Essays

The Collected Works of a Misunderstood CurmudgeonBy Sylvia Shawcross

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Sylvia Shawcross
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4620-6086-3

Contents

Foreword.......................................................ixAcknowledgements...............................................xiThe Backward Section...........................................xiiiPost-Backward Section..........................................xixIntroduction...................................................xxiWhy People Go Postal...........................................1Kentucky Bleu Grass Blues......................................9In Flanders's Fields the Coffee Grows..........................14Leave It to the Beaver.........................................17Invest in NASA!................................................19Stop the War Against Mosquitoes!...............................21Say Whatever You Bleeping Want.................................23Stop the Evildoers!............................................25Green Light Blues..............................................27A Knowledgeable Friendly Story.................................30The Turn of the Screw..........................................33Dealing with Difficult People..................................36Multiculturalism in the New Society............................38The Ghost of Christmas Future..................................41Boxed In.......................................................44Say Cheese!....................................................46Einstein's Time Management.....................................49Snails and Puppy Dog Tails.....................................52Defending Tradition............................................55The Thing That Wouldn't Go Away................................58Metaphor.......................................................61A Glass Half Empty.............................................64Age Spots......................................................67On the Existence of God........................................69Licorice and Old Lace..........................................71Light Traveling in a Vacuum....................................74The Smile of a Sphinx..........................................77E-gads and E-mail..............................................79Living in the Fray.............................................82The Firefly Fields of Gleneagle................................85The Appliance is the Message...................................87Humidex Values.................................................89Wooden Spoons and Eyebrows.....................................91High Speed in Hell.............................................93Concrete Impressions...........................................96Time Warps.....................................................98Ten-Digit Hand Gliding.........................................100Einstein's Lesser Known Theory.................................103Tutti-Frutti Squared...........................................106How to Lead a Simple Life......................................109A Hallowe'en Scary Story.......................................114A Kafka Christmas..............................................119A History of Shopping..........................................121Myrtle of Alcove...............................................125Eggnog Cappuccino..............................................128A Leap of Faith................................................130Grey-haired Guinea Pigs........................................133The Bar-Code Barbarians........................................136Stalking Murray Orlando........................................138The Butterfly Monologues.......................................141The Chickadee..................................................144Opus 67 in B-Flat-Screen.......................................146Banking on Fear................................................148Greedful Things................................................151Cherry Nougat Flame Delight....................................153The Get-Over-Yourself Self-Help Book...........................155Putting Stress on Hold.........................................158Leacock Latté.............................................161Window Pains...................................................164Coal Dust Lament...............................................166Elderberry Whine...............................................168How to be a Snarky Bitch.......................................170Is It Safe?....................................................173The Eyes of Mars...............................................176Phoney Baloney.................................................179A Parent's Necessity...........................................182Crack Credit...................................................184Diamonds before Swine..........................................186Much Ado About To-Do...........................................188Floored........................................................191Transmogulated SIV's...........................................193It's a Warm World After All....................................196A Winter's Day.................................................198A Neighbourhood Christmas......................................201Inclement Weather..............................................204Stop Everything!...............................................207Traitors.......................................................209Catatonia......................................................211Pressure? What Pressure?.......................................213Feeding the Machine: The Pre-Job Interview.....................216Feeding the Machine: The Job Interview.........................219Remotely Controlled............................................221Stoogeology by G Budziszewski..................................224Please Don't Feed the Banksters................................226Water Water Everywhere.........................................228Shopping Cart Psychology.......................................230The Black Fly Effect...........................................233Stop the Dog!..................................................235Apple Cores....................................................237Sailing Through Life...........................................240A Bad Hair Day.................................................242DisCERNning Minds..............................................245Reality Bites..................................................247Gizzards and Gizmos............................................249Pretty in Pink.................................................251Measuring Happiness............................................254Been Tired Lately?.............................................256The Fifth Winter...............................................258Frugal Frights.................................................260Whereto Webpitaph?.............................................263American Thanksgiving..........................................266Cape Breton/Quebec Relations...................................269The Unbearable Lightness of Beans..............................272Wallsmart......................................................275Decorative Details.............................................278The ER Zone....................................................281Google Smoogle.................................................284The Unspeakable Truth..........................................287Engulfed.......................................................290Hallowe'en Story...............................................293Like That's Going to Happen....................................296Of Mice and Men................................................299Pining for the Fjords..........................................302The Seven Plagues of My 52nd Birthday..........................305Conversational Condiments......................................308

Chapter One

Why People Go Postal

So the Star Chance TV satellite package I bought last summer has its good points. But then the remote broke.

Now I've been living in this world for a while, I'm not going to be an idiot and walk into the Future Hut on Gloucester Road and ask for a new remote. As if life were that simple. I know there will be problems. I know this because I am a seasoned veteran of the warranty war. There will be problems. There are always problems. So I said, "Self, I'm going to CALL ahead."

This was one of the occasions in life where I was going to rise to the challenge. Let me tell you a secret about life not many may know, the only people who get ahead in this world are those who know how to get from Point A to Point B without having to deal with seven different people and tell nine different stories at ten different locations while listening to fourteen different versions of canned-music-on-hold. This and only this is the true measure of a person in this modern world.

The gauntlet had been thrown. I was going to make absolutely 100% certain that I would be able to walk into that store and get a new remote with a lighting-speed efficiency that would dazzle everyone concerned. Yes By Gad I was going to iron out all the problems before I got there! I was going to achieve what few people have achieved in this world: a hassle-free exchange.

So I got my coffee. And I got my receipt. And I got my warranty and the model number for the remote, the receiver, the satellite dish, the size, shape, colour, serial number and length of all the different cables, my mother's maiden name and the last ten digits of my credit card with expiry date. That is step one. Be prepared.

Step Two: the phone book. There is no Future Hut on Gloucester Road. Now unless I'm insane there is a Future Hut on Gloucester Road. I know this because I bought my remote there; along with all that other stuff. It is not good at this point to question your sanity. So I phoned information. "English" I said to a taped voice at the other end of the receiver. "Ottawa" I said. "Ontario" I said. "The Future Hut on Gloucester Road" I said to the taped voice.

"I have no Future Hut listed on Gloucester Road," said a new voice. Well now it turns out that the marquee for the Future Hut on Gloucester Road looks out on a parking lot, which looks out on another parking lot, which looks out on a Chapters Store, which looks out on a two-foot long stretch of road with the vastly inappropriate title of "Village Park Drive." I don't seem to remember a park. Seems to me they should have named the place "Village Parking Lot Drive," but then, who am I to suggest ...

Step Three: phone Future Hut on Village Park Drive. Anybody who is anybody knows you hit 0 when you are faced with "Store Hours, Locations, and the Latest Promotions" before they provide you with a menu to choose from. So I punched 0. "Hello," said a very friendly voice with the kind of reassuringly omniscient tone that brings tears to a person's eyes. "My remote is broke," I said, "And ..." The voice said "Thank you for calling Future Hut. Please hold" and suddenly I have "Store Hours, Locations, and Latest Promotions." So this time I waited for the menu selection. Customer Service. Yes. It's selection number 4 on the dial in case you want to know. Keep a note of that.

"Hello, thank you for calling Future Hut, please hold."

Did you ever wonder what the world is coming to when you listen to the loud-canned-musical-advertisements-interspersed-with-friendly-advicelatest -promotions nonsense spewed at you while you're drinking your coffee while waiting for Selection Number 4 to pick up the line? Seems like I do that a lot.

I decided to hit 0. Nothing of course happened. Except then I started worrying whether or not I'd lost my place in line with Selection Number 4 by being so outrageously foolish by hitting 0 when no one told me I could. These are the kind of things that worry me. I thought maybe I should just redial the number. Then I figured that way I'd lose my place for sure. But then I wondered if I've already done that by so recklessly hitting 0? Then I realized I was starting to turn into a blithering idiot and I needed to be firm.

So I dialed the number again and hit 0 promptly and got that lovely voice that put me on hold for only 4 minutes this time. "Thank you for calling Future Hut." And then ... oh yes ... "How may I help you?" Not "How may I direct your call?" but an actual "Thank you for calling Future Hut. How may I help you?" Yes! Score one for the Gipper! Whatever that means but it seemed appropriate. "My remote is broke. I would like a replacement."

So I talked to Customer Service for a while who said, after I'd given all the information including the colour of the bathroom wallpaper, "I'll transfer you."

So I talked to a lovely guy in the computer section who said he was once married to a woman who knew how to fix remotes but she left him last year and now he has to make child support payments. And maybe you'd better talk to this other guy. So he sent me to "Store Hours, Location, and the Latest Promotions" where I began to think about the name Future Hut and was just drawing up a working premise on how the Future looked bleaker than I thought when I was rudely interrupted by this other guy who thanked me for calling Future Hut. He said you need "Home Entertainment," not "Home Electronics." So then Jack answered the phone and thanked me for calling the Future Hut and put me on hold and then I ended up with Selection Number 4 again so she put me through to Home Electronics and John said, "Thank you for calling Future Hut. How may I help you?"

"My remote," I said quietly, "is broken and I would like a replacement." And you know what John said? (Lighting up that little spark of hope we all possess) "No problem." That's what he said. "No problem." There are always problems.

"John," I said, "there are always problems."

He said, "just bring the receipt and the remote and we'll replace it. No problem."

"John," I said, "there are always problems. Are you telling me I can just walk in there with the remote and the receipt and you'll replace it?"

"Absolutely." How cynical, I thought, we have all become in this modern world.

"Now you're not just leading me on are you, John? I don't have to bring in the receiver, the dish, the cables, the dog and Great Grandmom's false teeth?"

"No," said John.

"There will be no problems?" I asked again.

"None. No problem." After thanking me for calling Future Hut, John and I parted.

The very next day I learned there are always problems. Never second-guess your basic instincts. "Oh," I said, after finding out neither John nor Selection Number 4 were working that day. "My remote is broke and I'd like a replacement," I said, nervously thrusting the papers and the remote towards Mandy who happened to be filling in for John on a temporary basis from Office Equipment.

"You'll have to call Star Chance at this number," said Mandy helpfully giving me back the papers and the remote. Turns out of course that it doesn't matter what John said because he wasn't there that day.

"So what you're basically telling me is my broke remote is obsolete after seven months and you don't have this model anymore?" I thought it important for some reason at this point to clarify the situation. This is called a coping strategy. When you realize that you will not actually walk valiantly out of the store with prize in hand, it can sometimes be helpful to clarify the situation if only to hear yourself think while you ponder the inevitability of defeat.

It turns out that the number Mandy gave me wasn't the right number and the right number had nine selections, none of which seem to, pardon-the-pun, remotely match my need for a replacement remote. The good thing about Star Chance is that the first person usually takes the particulars down and all the other six, count'em six people I talked to knew that my "remote was broke" because the computer told them so. So they finally transferred me to "Your call will be answered in nine to twelve minutes" where I waited sixteen minutes for Bruce who said, "Thank you for calling Star Chance, how may I help you?" So I gave him the identification number for the remote, my mother's maiden name and the square root of 4,923. He said, "Your remote is broken."

I said, "Thank you Bruce. I know this. I would like a replacement, please."

"Let me help you identify the problem with the remote," said Bruce.

"Bruce," I said, "I don't want to identify the problem with the remote. I want a new remote."

"You have a warranty," said Bruce.

"Yes," I said expectantly.

"All malfunctions with Star Chance equipment covered under warranty need to be tested."

"Oh," I said. "So exactly how," I asked, "are you going to help me?" And this is what Bruce said to me:

"Did you replace the batteries?" Just like that, Bruce asked me if I'd replaced the batteries.

"Well yes, Bruce," I said, "indeed I did replace the batteries and indeed the remote still isn't working."

He said, "Did the light come on?"

And I said, "Why, no Bruce, that's actually how I realized that the remote was broken."

"Here's what I want you to do," said Bruce authoritatively, "Remove the batteries from the remote for three hours and then put them back in, try it again and call back."

It was the thought of calling back in three hours that got to me I think. "Bruce!" I said frantically before he could thank me for calling Star Chance, "Bruce, I don't want to call back. I don't want to remove the batteries for three hours. I want a new remote. This is what I want."

And then Bruce said, "Did you put in NEW batteries?"

Oh, there are moments in life. Just quiet little moments where sublime clarity just seems to burst upon you and you just can't help yourself.

It's a time when you just throw out all that you may have achieved thus far, all the toil and tribulations, all that you have done, just for one fine moment—one fine moment in the sun. So then I said, "Well no Bruce. I actually went to this place I know in Montreal where people dump their contaminated waste into a roadside ditch late at night when no one is looking and hell, I must have spent about three hours digging around until I found two batteries that would fit my remote and I used those. Do you think that could be the problem?" I asked.

Bruce transferred me to another number, that told me "Your call will be answered in fifteen minutes." At this point I began to think about the War on Terror and was just drafting up a conclusion about how modern day society is really having to wage war not on Iraq but on the terror of disembodied voices on telephone network systems when Albert interrupted my reverie long enough to tell me that all Star Chance remotes will work with my system. "But," I said, "Mandy told me ..."

He said, "Just go back to Future Hut and get a new remote. No problem." There are always problems I started to say, but he interrupted me to thank me for calling Star Chance and transferred me to Bert who said, "No problem." And then he said something that was enough to put the fear of God into me, "When you get the new remote call us back and we'll help you program it." I knew at that point I'd lost the War on Terror.

So then I called Selection Number 4, the guy in Home Entertainment, Home Electronics and No-I'm-not-John-who-is-away-today-Andrew who after thanking me for calling Future Hut clarified for me in his best I've-taken-the-seminar-on-how-to-deal-with-difficult-customers voice that he would not comment on Mandy's temporary lapse in sanity for telling me what she did. Andrew said, "No problem. Just bring in your remote and your receipt and we'll replace it." And then he thanked me for calling Future Hut.

So far, I've talked to nineteen different people. Well. Actually it's probably more if you count the machines. Did you ever watch Little Big Man? Now that's a good movie. I was watching it the day my remote broke. I've watched it three times in the last four days. You know, I'm beginning to think it's not so bad really. Watching one channel. I think they're going to change the movie next week. I know this because I remember listening to the promotions coming up on Star Chance. That reminds me, if you want to know what new promotions are going on with either Star Chance or Future Hut, I can list them in order. If you prod me a little, I can probably hum a few bars of the Star Chance theme music. Also, there's a guy in the computer section of Future Hut on Village Park Drive who wouldn't mind meeting a woman. Call me. I'll give you the short way to reach him. No problem.

Kentucky Bleu Grass Blues

So I answered the phone.

"Allo?" says he.

"Yes?" say I.

"Allo, Ms. Sawcroix, I am Jean with de Weed Guy?"

"Oh yes," I said, "thank you for calling me back."

"We left you an estimate dere?"

"You did?"

"Oh yes?" says Jean who seemed to have this predilection for ending every sentence with a question mark.

"Where?"

"Maybee on de door dere?"

"Oh," I said, "I haven't been out yet today."

"It's dere? Maybee? I don't know? We can do dis then?"

"You can?" I said feeling suddenly like I needed to respond in kind with a question mark.

"Oh yes!" says Jean, finally with an exclamation.

"So you saw it then?"

"Oh yes. Just a few weeds dere. We can treat it. It's Nature's Roadway. Best!

No weeds in tree, maybee less years."

"You saw the dog-strangling-vine then?"

"Wats dat?" asks Jean.

"It's a highly-aggressive alien plant species from the Ukraine," I ventured.

"Is it a weed?" asks Jean.

"Yes."

"No problem! We treat with Nature's Roadway. No pesticides. It take maybee a bit longer ... maybee tree, maybee less years. Guaranteed."

"So you know dog-strangling vine then?"

"Oh yes. Kills all de weeds!" says Jean moving into exclamation again.

"Now this stuff," I said, "the best scientists in the world can't figure out how to kill it."

"Oh?" says Jean with a pause.

"Yes." I said.

"It's from the Ukraine?"

"Yes."

"Did maybee someone come from the Ukraine to visit you?"

"No." I said. "It's all over the place in Ottawa."

"It's a weed?"

"Yes."

"Nature's Roadway will kill all weeds. You maybee notice a leetle red under de leaves dere but dat's no worry. Tree years, maybe less. Nice lawn. Kentucky Bleu Grass."

"It kills all the other plants around it." I said.

"Oh." says Jean.

"It has a germination rate of over 90%."

"No problem!" says Jean suddenly enthused. "Nature's Roadpath will kill all seeds."

"It kills Monarch butterflies." I said.

"Oh," says Jean.

"Three years of heavy dosages of Round-Out won't kill it," I said.

"Round-Out! Sacre-bleu!" says Jean.

"They can't find any natural predators here."

"Oh," says Jean.

"Yes," I said.

"Kaleece!" he says.

"It grows over six feet tall."

"Oh," says Jean.

"So you saw it then," I ventured after a long pause.

"Maybee I talk to my supervisor."

"Yes," I said after another long pause.

"Maybee I take dat estimate and talk to my supervisor."

"Yes Jean," I said.

"Tank you Ms. Sawcroix for calling de Weed Guy."

"And thank you Jean." I said.

So I answered the phone again.

"Allo?"

"Yes?"

"Allo Ms. Sawcroix. Dis is Jean from de Weed Guy."

"Yes Jean."

"I talk to my supervisor and `ee says to use Round-Out"

"It doesn't work."

"Oh."

"My supervisor says maybee we are sorry Ms. Sawcroix dat de Weed Guy

can't help you."

"Thank you for calling back Jean."

"Tank you."

Sometimes it's the small things in life. The little dreams we all have. I'm remembering how I felt when Jean told me about those green fields of Kentucky Blue Grass. If only I could capture that feeling again.

(Continues...)

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