Why We Don't Give OurSelves Permission

Awareness is fifty percent of growth. —Louise L. Hay

Jack: A Story of Not Giving Oneself Permission

Meet Jack. He is thirty-six years old, and his life revolves around working relentlessly for the pay cheque he brings home every month. There are days when he looks in the mirror and doesn't even recognise himself in the life he has created.

Let's see how Jack got to where he is today.

Shortly after graduating from university, Jack found himself working for a good company and on track for a great career.

He liked his job and worked hard during the week but took time for himself as well. A couple of nights a week, he went out with his friends, played sports, and sometimes had a drink or two. Jack felt really good about his choices, and he was happy to know how proud his parents were of his achievements.

Jack was doing so well at work that he was promoted. He was given more responsibilities and took on more managerial duties. He met a woman, fell in love, and got married. He was earning a great salary and was able to buy a house and a car.

Jack and his wife wanted to give their children the best of everything and thus sent them to good schools. His wife gave up her job to stay at home and take care of them. The other kids at school came from wealthy families. They went on fancy holidays, and Jack's children wanted to do the same. Whilst Jack's work was still going well, he felt under enormous pressure to keep the money rolling in.

One day, Jack realised that he was just not happy.

Now, he is still a good manager, and he still earns a good salary, so why does Jack feel so miserable most of the time? He feels as though he is being pulled in all directions and has lost control of his life. Does he even enjoy his work anymore? He doesn't think so, but he's not sure. The stress of keeping up is starting to wear him down, and he has begun to fight with his wife. She always seems to want him to be more ... something, but she is struggling with her own issues too. Jack is just trying to stay above water. He has no idea what he really likes doing. He misses working with his hands; he used to create things and tinker with electronics with his dad in the shed on weekend afternoons. But Jack feels he has absolutely no time for himself anymore. When he is at home, the family wants to socialise with their neighbours, but he resists because he's so tired after a long day in the office. He feels bad about it, and he can see that his family is upset with him and disappointed because he doesn't seem to understand their needs. He is utterly fed up.

With so many things apparently going well, why is Jack so unhappy?

Rather than giving himself permission to really think about what he wants for his life, Jack's experience has been like riding a train rather than driving a car. He got on but he doesn't feel that he's dictating the direction it's going. The train whizzes by all sorts of interesting places, but it never stops for him to get off and take a look around. Jack feels as though he will never get off. He wonders at what point he lost control of his life and how he can get back in the driver's seat.

If you've ever felt as though you've been on a train that seems to be heading towards a destination you didn't choose, you are, unfortunately, not alone.

What Does "Give YourSelf Permission" Mean?

The word permission is used a lot in the self-help and personal development industry, in product- and service-driven businesses, in politics – really, all over the place – but what does it mean?

I use the concept of giving yourself permission to describe what happens when you decide and allow yourself to do what is best for you, whether that is saying no to a needy friend, taking care of your immediate needs so you can be more present with your relationships, or sometimes even allowing yourself to think about what you might want to do with your life. This all sounds simple enough, but consistently people balk at the very idea. At points I have suggested to some clients that they are not giving themselves permission to be their best. Their initial response is often to reject the notion completely.

"Why would I do that?" they say. "That doesn't make any sense! Who would not let themselves follow their dreams?"

They are correct; it doesn't make sense. And still, this is exactly what we do. We think we want something, but for some reason, we hold ourselves back from taking the steps necessary to achieve it.

A huge number of personal development books and programs are successful at giving you tools to empower yourself on the outside. They often encourage people to attempt quite daring feats such as bungee jumping or climbing some very high mountain. All of this is part of a process of goal setting and action planning, and the idea is for people to make very ambitious goals and then work hard to realise them.

It is all valid work, but I would argue that for many people, something else has to happen first. Long before they reach the stage of even being able to vocalise their long-term goals, many people need to build firm foundations of confidence and self-worth that will enable them to take the reins of personal responsibility and give themselves permission to start looking at what they want for their lives. They need to learn how to give themselves permission to make small advances before they're able to make great strides. Those tentative steps forward are often the hardest steps of all to take but are the ones that illicit the most satisfaction when achieved and which lead to greater long-term sustainability of new habits and behaviour. And, far from being selfish, they also become better friends, partners, sons, daughters, siblings, and co-workers.

In modern society, we usually think of permission in terms of someone else granting us the authority to do something. A passport allows us to get on a plane and enter another country, and a driving license lets us take to the roads. However, it is now time for you to give yourself that passport which will grant you the permission to travel to places unknown, the license to take care of yourself, and the liberty to be creative and free.

At this point, let's pull everything apart, then very quickly we will build it all back up again – but this time in a more fulfilling way for you. Without a little understanding as to how and why we got ourselves into this predicament, it will be more difficult to lay that very solid foundation that will allow us to build the house that will stand for many years and multiple generations. How we live our lives today dictates the legacy we pass on.

What Is Stopping Us?

Poor is the man whose pleasure depends on the permission of another. —Madonna

So why aren't we letting ourselves do and be who we want to be? It seems counter-intuitive, doesn't it? There are many reasons we don't give ourselves permission to do certain things, and here are a few of the main ones. Have no fear, once we look at why we are holding ourselves back we will look at each issue again in the subsequent chapters and explore ways to rid ourselves of these blocks.

Fear

The main reason people don't give themselves permission to live authentically or to make decisions that are in their best interest is because they're afraid. They fear what others will think, fear taking risks that may lead to failure or making a mistake, fear the unknown, or fear being selfish. These fears hold them back from taking the biggest risk of all – living their own lives. Essentially, we feel fear because we don't believe in our abilities and ourselves.

Others

When we were children and we were given a gold star at school, we couldn't wait to get home and show it to Mum and Dad, and as adults, we still want the people in our lives to be pleased with who we are and what we do.

Many go through life worrying about what other people think of them, whether they're doing the right thing, or whether they're living up to others' expectations of them. They choose what they will and will not do based on what they perceive others will approve of.

When we're being honest, most of us will admit that we care very deeply about what others think of us. Humans are social animals, after all – being connected to others is fundamental to our species.

Many prioritise others' opinions of their achievements – or what they imagine those opinions to be – over their own. They choose careers, relationships, or lifestyles not on the basis of what they want and need but what they think others want and need from them. Other times, rather than explicitly trying to please their families or other important people in their lives, people focus on trying to impress society as a whole. When they worry about what others think, they perceive that they are under constant judgement, and this makes them feel quite vulnerable, which is an emotion or trait many would rather not feel and would sooner hide.

In their quest to be accepted, they often lose sight of what they really want in life. They can get to a point where they're even afraid to think or dream of what they want for themselves, and at the same time, they relinquish the responsibility for achieving it. They spend so long trying to live up to what they suppose others' expectations for them are that they forget their own dreams completely and don't make a change for fear of disappointing someone.

They often put themselves last because they don't value or truly care about themselves. They look for safety from those around them and don't allow themselves to achieve all that they truly believe they can. By seeking permission, approval, and positive feedback from others, they place themselves in a subordinate position.

Change

Many people experience a profound and disabling fear of change. On the surface, they're afraid of change itself and worry about what might happen or what people will think of them if they evolve and become different.

I've worked with many clients who carry a lot of guilt because their parents have always wanted them to go into the family business or be a doctor, a lawyer, or an architect. They feel that they're expected to do what their families have always wanted for them. Often financial security, outward respectability, or both are very important to these clients' parents, and those parents have communicated this to their children. Other clients have felt conflicted about having gone further than their working-class parents. They might be the first members of their families to go to university or find white-collar jobs, and now they might be under pressure from their parents for having turned their back on their roots. Still other clients feel the discontent of their parents for not having been successful enough. Some have star brothers and sisters and feel that they can never measure up, so why bother trying? Once these people are in this situation, they feel boxed in by conflicting pressures, and as a result, making change can be too difficult.

Other people tell themselves "If I make some changes at work, become successful, and make more money, then I'll be expected to take care of everyone, and my family responsibilities will be overwhelming!" or "If my business grows, will I have more paperwork to do? Goodness, I hate paperwork!" People are sometimes unconsciously afraid of what success will bring, and because of that fear, they sabotage their chances and essentially get in their own way. I know this may seem ridiculous and counter-productive, but it is an example of the quirky little tricks the mind and fear can play on us.

People who carry these feelings encounter a barrier that stops them from having the sorts of lives they really want. They feel that they're not good enough, but they want to please the people they care about whilst earning the respect of society. It's all very complicated.

Regret

As we get older we sometimes look at where we are now and wish we had done things differently in the past. We might say to ourselves "If only I had done another degree." or "If only I had gone into finance when I left school, I would not always be so worried about money." People often think it is too late to change things and therefore live in a perpetual state of regret. Living like this blocks our ability to give ourselves permission to do anything.

Mixed Messages

Many of my clients have grown up listening to real or perceived mixed messages. They have taken on broad messages like "Do well at school and work, but not as well as me", "You can do or have anything in life, but don't ever be selfish", or "It's important to be attractive to the opposite sex, but not too attractive or people will think you're loose."

Other clients haven't been provided with clear boundaries for many reasons. Because they don't always know what is allowed and what is not, they often think their situations to be unsafe. Understandably, this can result in a lot of confusion and insecurity, and often these anxieties persist well into adulthood.

Societal Constraints

Navigating our lives can be tremendously stressful. On top of the expectations those close to us may have for our decisions and behaviour, society's expectations of have changed a lot in recent decades and are continuing to evolve at a dizzying rate. Whilst the world is undeniably easier in many ways, it is also more complicated and can be more difficult to navigate. Our roles as members of our communities and our families are less clear-cut than in previous times. Whereas people once lived in intensely social environments, modern societies today are filled with isolated individuals. Today, people often feel that they're being weak when they have to ask for help with their children or other responsibilities, when previously, collaboration was the norm. Many now feel that they are being judged as incapable when they show vulnerability.

In the past, people tended to be born into a particular social strata and culture and, from early on, basically knew how their lives would pan out. Today, most of us have a huge amount of freedom to choose where and how to live. That is a wonderful opportunity, but it is also a responsibility that can be quite overwhelming, as too much choice can be paralysing.

Many find themselves struggling to fill multiple roles at the same time: to be a successful businessperson, a full-time parent, a supportive partner, and a dutiful grown-up son or daughter. Unlike our ancestors, we don't always have a template to follow for how to behave in most situations.

So, for better or worse, we have to recognise that now more than ever, we're responsible for making the hard choices for our own lives. We're no longer funnelled through a set of criteria dictated by our socioeconomic backgrounds, educations, or cultures. We have to take on even more personal responsibility than we might have had to in the past, and therefore, it's even more important that we give ourselves permission to follow the path that is right for us.