CHAPTER 1

Heart of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the final form of love.

—Rheinhold Niebuhr

It may be difficult to define forgiveness, but it is almost impossible to definelove. We bandy the word about, sometimes using it to express our deepestemotion, sometimes using it lightly. A mother may say to her baby, "I love you."In the heat of a romantic tryst you whisper, "I love you." You receive a sweaterfor a gift and exclaim, "I love it!" The words are the same, but the meaning isdifferent. What do you mean by love?

Practice: Exploring Love

Take a piece of paper and a pencil, and draw two columns. In the left column,list all the things (not people) you love. Keep going until nothing else occursto you. In the second column, list the things you love the least.

• Can you find any similarities between the two lists?

• Why do you love one thing and not another?

In doing this exercise, you might discover that the items are just "things."What makes us love one thing and hate another is simply personal preference. Youmay love hard rock music and hate rap. I may love rap and hate hard rock. Thereis nothing especially lovable about either. So our love is conditional.

Love is also changeable. As time goes by, you may tire of rock and prefer goldenoldies. If you become deaf, you may not love music at all.

A while ago, my sister and I were reminiscing and rooted out family photographalbums. As we turned the pages, we began to laugh at the clothes we had chosento wear when we were teenagers: Lorraine in her black Capri pants, fuzzysweater, and dangling earrings; me in a madras wrap-around skirt with round-collaredblouse and circle pin. In those days, we had each thought we were theepitome of style. But over the years, our tastes had changed; we had outgrownour outfits—in more ways than one! So when we say we love something, it is notabsolute.

Turn the paper over and make two new columns. Begin to list the names of peopleyou love. Keep going as long as names pop up, but when you have to search yourmemory, stop. In the second column list the people you love the least (dislike,hate) until you run out of names.

Now ask yourself these questions, first about the people in column one, then incolumn two.

• If you borrowed money from me and never paid it back, would I forgive you?

• If you belittled me in front of my friends, would I forgive you?

• If you physically harmed me, would I forgive you?

• If you lied to me, would I forgive you?

* * *

Were you more likely to forgive those you love, or those you hate? Generally, weare more willing to forgive the people we love and who love us in return. Butthat love is conditional as well. You may have listed your husband, but if hedivorced you, would you still love him enough to forgive him? I know two men whohad been bitter rivals at work and competed against each other in sports—theywere enemies, but eventually they became life-Partners. Sometimes we outgrow ourtolerance just as we outgrow our clothes and what is a lover's endearing traitone day becomes a grating character defect the next.

We tend to love people who meet our expectations and fulfill our desires. If aperson doesn't match up with an ideal in our minds, we dismiss her or activelyhate her. If the harm occurs often enough, she moves into the unloved column.

A long time ago, when I was a neophyte meditator, I became enthralled with theidea of becoming enlightened. I went to many retreats, read classic Buddhisttexts and found a teacher. My thirst for enlightenment burgeoned into greed. I"wanted" so much that I browbeat my teacher. I expected him to drop everythingand be available for me several times a week. I wanted him to give up his workand become a fulltime teacher. Of course, I could not make him do what I wantedand my emotions vacillated between love/deference and hatred/disrespect.Eventually, I left to practice on my own. After some years, I eased into mypractice and desire relaxed its grip on me. When I no longer wanted or expectedanything, things fell into place and I was ready to return to my teacher andgratefully accepted what was offered. I was able to love and respect him, nomatter what.

Here is what the Buddha said about loving-kindness:

As a mother would risk her life to protect her child, her only child, Even soshould one cultivate a boundless heart with regard to all beings.

The love we are talking about is unconditional love. It exists withoutdiscrimination. Race, creed, and ethnicity don't matter. We don't have to know aperson or like him or understand him. It is not a negotiation: "You do this forme and I will love you." It is all-embracing and accepting.

Love is an expression of the connection between all beings. The names, faces andcircumstances change, but at the core we are all one. Try this meditation toarouse the feeling of unconditional love and to radiate it to all beings.

Practice: Awakening Loving-Kindness

Quiet your mind by focusing on the feeling of your breath going in and out. Itmay be helpful to close your eyes. Begin by sending loving-kindness to yourself:

May I be safe from harm.May I be free from mental suffering.May I be free from physical suffering.May I live my life joyfully.

Repeat the phrases several times, and then visualize your family, friends, andcolleagues and send loving-kindness to them:

As I wish myself to be safe from harm, so I wish you to be safe.May you be free from mental suffering.May you be free from physical suffering.May you live your lives joyfully.

Extend the loving-kindness further, to those you don't know:

May all beings—those who I know, those who I've never met;those who are like me, those who differ in race, religion, ethnicity;those who have done good, those who have done ill—May you be safe from harm.May you be free from mental suffering.May you be free from physical suffering.May you live your lives joyfully.

Try to visualize all beings joined in a circle of mutual love and harmony, andhold the image for a few moments as you breathe in and out.

When we experience love in this way we can for give any harm.

What Is Harm?

Before we can forgive, we need to understand what needs to be forgiven. Thephrases we'll be working with begin with: "For all the harm ..." What is harm?

Some religions have commandments that tell us what to avoid. They are calledsins. Each nation has a list of things that are illegal. They are called crimes.Each municipality has traffic conventions. They are called regulations. Almostevery group has guidelines for members. They are called rules. Families agree onappropriate behavior. They may be called boundaries.

We try to live in community without stepping on one another's toes. Keepingtrack of all the sins, crimes, regulations, rules, and boundaries can over whelmus. If we aren't mindful, we're bound to cross one line or another and hurtsomeone.

We can be guided by the Ten Commandments of the Judeo-Christian canon or the TenGrave Precepts of Buddhism, or try to avoid the seven sins of anger,covetousness, envy, gluttony, lust, pride, and sloth. We can abide by the lawsof our country, neighborhood, clubs, and families.

But we're working with forgiveness in a personal way. Let's look at ourthoughts, words, and actions through a single lens and ask the question: Do theycause suffering?

Harm is any thought, word, or action that causes suffering in ourselves orothers.

Guidelines for Awareness and Prevention of Harm

Although there are many ways to categorize harm, I'd like to view it byreflecting on five of the grave precepts that I was given when I was ordained asa Buddhist priest. I particularly like the way they are worded. They do notexhort: Do not ...! They simply label the ideals to which we aspire in order not tocause suffering.

Harm is any thought, word, or action that causes suffering in ourselves orothers.

Not Killing

Most societies agree that we should avoid killing another human being. Thisarises from the intuitive knowledge that we are all connected, that all of lifeis sacred. To kill another human being is to kill a part of ourselves and tocompromise the integrity of life. Each time someone is killed, it's like a mothchewing a hole in the fabric of life. The more holes there are, the weaker thefabric becomes.

Not killing includes any kind of physical harm to people and all livingcreatures, as well as psychological damage. It's Possible to kill a person'sspirit.

I know a woman who is paralyzed by perfectionism. When she was a child, herparents constantly told her she was not good enough, that she would neversucceed, that she was a failure. She responded by becoming an overachiever—tryingto win their love. That didn't work, because more and more was demandedof her. Now, as an adult, she cannot commit to any long-term project because shebelieves that no matter how hard she tries, her efforts will never be enough.She believes she is wasting her life. Her spirit has been killed.

Not killing doesn't just mean avoidance, it means expressing our gratitude forlife by actively nurturing everything around us—the animate and inanimate. Wecherish our homes, gardens, and neighborhood; we nurture the spirits of ourfamily, friends, and neighbors. The concern extends to the entire universe; wetake care of pollution, famine, war, disease, and homelessness. Nothing isoutside our realm because it is all a part of us. We accept our role in keepingthe fabric of life whole and strong.

Not Stealing

This is pretty clear: We don't take things that don't belong to us. I havealways thought of myself as an honest person and would probably say that I'venever stolen anything. Upon reflection, however, I realize that it is not so.When I was an employee, I took paper clips and pencils home, and when I ran asuccessful business, I allowed my accountant to use every loophole to lower mytaxes.

Not stealing becomes more subtle as we reflect on it. It includes not takingthat which is not offered. Once, I was on a long retreat and my job was to putaway leftover food after meals. Usually the kitchen is off-limits to retreatparticipants but, because of my job, I was in and out all the time. We wereallowed to eat as much food as we wanted during meals, and even to save somethings for snacks later. One morning, I noticed that someone had a wedge oflemon in his tea.

Suddenly, I wanted lemon, too, but there were no lemons in the fruit basket atbreakfast, and I was frustrated. My throat felt a bit sore and I could almosttaste the tart, sweet flavor of lemon and honey in my tea. I imagined howsoothing the tea would feel as it slid down my throat. There was a large bowl oflemons in the kitchen and I rationalized that I could take one. Perhaps I wouldleave money for it. Visions of lemons haunted my meditation.

The next day I awoke to the image of lemons. I knew I shouldn't take one, butthe temptation was strong. Finally, in desperation, I asked the cook to give mea lemon. And she did!

I didn't have to steal or borrow; all I had to do was ask. The cook could notintuit what I wanted, she needed to be told. In this way, I learned that

Part of not stealing is being able to ask for and graciously accept what isneeded.

There is enough for everyone. Generosity in sharing my own resources is part ofthe precept as well. In addition to material things like money and time, I canshare my spiritual wealth as well—offering encouragement, mindful listening, andkind words.

Not Being Greedy

This applies to sexual conduct. We understand that sex is communion between twopeople. In its most sublime form, there is no giver, no receiver, only the actof love.

We do not seek to assuage our own desire at the expense of another.

This means generosity within the act itself, but also taking care not to harmanother. So although the precept doesn't explicitly prohibit pre- or extramaritalsex, it does remind us that we must be aware of the feelings of othersbefore we act to slake our desire. Is there a spouse, lover, or friend who willbe hurt if we act? Are we breaking a promise? Are we threatening a relationship?

When we choose a partner on the spur of the moment, are we just using himbecause he's available? Is there mutual caring?

When we are in a committed relationship, are we demanding or clinging? Do wemake love a negotiation instead of a gift? The precept helps to make us awarethat there is more to love than just sex.

Although this precept is sometimes called "not misusing sex," we understand thatthe underlying motive is self-centered greed. So not being greedy alsoencompasses relationships. Sometimes our neediness masquerades as love, andgenuine affection becomes warped by jealousy, obsessive clinging, or controllingbehavior. In other settings we may strive to be the favorite child, theteacher's pet, or the boss's right hand man.

Not Lying

We like to think that we are truthful, but sometimes the line between truth andfalsehood is blurred. I have a friend who lived in an exotic land for severalyears when she was young. She fell in love with a fellow student who happened tobe distantly related to the ruling family. When she returned home, she told herfriends that she had been swept off her feet by a prince. It may have felt thatway, but the truth was that he was not a prince. She told the romantic talemany, many times, and after a while, she believed the story was true.

Each of us has embellished our life experiences in some way. Real life seems tobe a black-and-white movie and we crave Technicolor. This kind of lying comesfrom a need to be special; its inverse is false humility.

During Zen training, one of the teacher's jobs is to dismantle the student'sego. The final goal is for the student to experience selflessness, whichparadoxically leads to a feeling of unity with all beings. In this state, thereis no need to be special, because we realize that all of us are special.Although each of us is unique, we share the same perfect essence. There is nolack, nothing extra. That's the goal, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way.

I have always been a capable, organized person who learns new tasks quickly. Ihad a fair amount of pride in this, which my teachers sought to crumble. Duringwork practice at a Buddhist monastery, I was never allowed to be in charge of agroup or to work on projects that drew on my expertise and experience, such asgardening, graphic design, or bookkeeping. I spent much of my time cleaningbathrooms and preparing bulk mailings. Occasionally, they would give me a newtask, something that was completely alien to me. Once I was enlisted to tape andspackle a newly-renovated office. At first, I was clumsy, but eventually I gotthe hang of it and enjoyed the work. The contractor began to tell people howgood I was at the job and the next day my teacher "demoted" me to mowing thelawn.

Another teacher constantly told me I was too proud and humiliated me wheneverpossible. As a result, I became self-deprecating. When I was a chaplain intern,it was difficult for me to acknowledge that I was doing a good job. My supervisor picked up the shattered pieces of my ego and my new practice became owningmy triumphs without excessive pride and admitting my failures without shame.

When there is awareness and acceptance of self and others, there is no need tolie.

We may lie to avoid punishment or embarrassment, but more frequently, we lie inorder to get what we want. Sometimes the purpose behind a lie is to hurtanother. In all instances, we lie because we are not happy with the way thingsare.

Whenever one of my college buddies was disappointed, she'd say, "C'est la vie."It seemed trite at the time, but after years of meditation practice, I realizethe wisdom of that old saw. "That's life" is not so different from the Buddhistteaching of "things are as they are."

Not Clouding the Mind

At the end of sitting meditation, Zen students frequently chant the Four GreatVows and the second one is: "Reality is boundless, I vow to perceive it." Wedeclare our willingness to become aware of and accept everything around us,because we intuitively understand that everything is as it should be. There isno need to ignore, avoid, or water down our experience. We don't have to cloudour minds with excessive alcohol or drugs. Nowadays there are additionalpossibilities for clouding the mind: obsessive attachment to television, videogames, and the Internet. What we are doing is trying to escape into a fantasyworld of daydreams.

The flip side of escapism is a zest for life, no matter what is happening. Asone Zen teacher said: "Be here now." This is it. The good times and the bad, thewins and losses make up our lives.

Be present; embrace your life.

In addition to the big five precepts, there are two others that I particularlylike.

Not Talking about Others' Errors and Faults

We all ignore this one. Gossip is a pop-culture phenomenon fed by tabloids,weekly magazines, and "inside information" TV shows. Because of the rampantgossip that we see and hear everyday, we tend to think it's all right to talkabout people's faults. There is a measure of glee to think that a person is notperfect and so it's easy to be drawn into backbiting. There is a naturaltendency to blame and criticize others when things don't go the way we thinkthey should.