CHAPTER 1
THE DEFINITION OFCOMMUNICATION
Communication is the sharing and understanding of information. It is thesingle most critical skill needed for problem-solving and team success. Thediagram below shows the transmission or exchange of ideas, information,etc., through speech.
This example is a perfect example of effective communication, which willbe talked about in a later chapter. To communicate is to listen while theother individual talks without any interruptions. Let's look at the followingdialog:
Jesus - Give me to drink.
The Samaritan Woman - How is it that thou, being a Jew, askest drink ofme, which am a woman of Samaria? for the Jews have no dealings withthe Samaritans.
Jesus - If thou knewest the gift of God, and who it is that saith to thee,Give me to drink; thou would have given thee living water.
The Samaritan Woman - Sir, thou hast nothing to draw with, and the wellis deep: from whence then hast thou that living water? Art thou greaterthan our father Jacob, which gave us the well, and drank thereof himself,and his children, and his cattle?
Jesus - Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: But whosoeverdrinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the waterthat I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up intoeverlasting life.
The Samaritan Woman - Sir, give me this water, that I thirst not, neithercome hither to draw.
Jesus - Go, call thy husband, and come hither.
The Samaritan Woman - I have no husband.
Jesus - Thou hast well said, I have no husband: in that saidst thou truly.
The Samaritan Woman - Sir, I perceive that thou art a prophet. Ourfathers worshipped in this mountain; and ye say, that in Jerusalem is theplace where men ought to worship.
Jesus - Woman, believe me, the hour cometh, when ye shall neither in thismountain, nor yet at Jerusalem, worship the Father. Ye worship ye knownot what: we know what we worship: for salvation is of the Jews. But thehour cometh, and now is, when the true worshippers shall worship theFather in spirit and in truth: for the Father seeketh such to worship him.God is a Spirit: and they that worship him must worship him in spiritand in truth.
The Samaritan Woman - I know that Messias cometh, which is calledChrist: when he is come, he will tell us all things.
Jesus - I that speak unto thee am he.
(This conversation is a complete communication.)
To prove that it was a perfect effective communication is shown by itsresult – read verses 28-39 of St. John 4. This communication changed thewoman of Samaria to a great Missionary of Jesus. Communication meansmoving toward others rather than away from them. It means speaking andbehaving in such a way that a person's life is focused toward relationship.Effective communication is that style of interacting that moves peopletoward friendship and intimacy.
The Meaning of Interpersonal Communication
Communication involves the reciprocal process in which messages aresent and received between two or more people. This book focuses on thecommunication exchange between you, our spouse, your family and others.Communication can either facilitate the development of a good relationshipor create barriers. There are two parts to face-to-face communication; theverbal expression of the sender's thoughts and feelings, and the non-verbalexpression:
(1) Verbally - cognitive and affective messages are sent through words,voice inflection and rate of speech; and
(2) Non-verbally – message are conveyed by eye movements, facialexpressions and body language.
Senders determine what message they want to transmit to the receiverand encode their thoughts and feelings into words and gestures. Senders'messages are transmitted to the receiver through sound, sight, touch andoccasionally through smell and taste.
Receivers of the messages have to decode the verbal and non-verbaltransmission to make sense of the thoughts and feelings communicatedby senders. After decoding the senders' words, speech patterns, and facialand body movements, the receivers encode return messages either verballythrough words, or non-verbally through gesture.
In an interaction between two people, each person is both a senderand a receiver and alternates between these two roles. When sendersare speaking, they are also receiving messages from the person who islistening. Listeners not only are receiving speakers' messages but also aresimultaneously sending messages.
An important function of communication is to transmit messagesfrom one person to another. The real purpose of communication is tocreate meaning. Senders of messages wish to convey meaning to receiversand vice versa. With this intent, senders choose certain words and gesturesin a way that they believe is congruent with their intended messages. Thesenders' objective is to transmit a message that is clear and understandableto receivers.
The purpose of communication does not stop there. The real purposeof creating the understanding in another person is to influence the otherperson to effect some change. The sender attempts to persuade the receiverto respond to the senders' requests.
CHAPTER 2
THE IMPORTANCE OFCOMMUNICATION
Communication brings family together, and it keeps marriages in tack,which makes a better marriage. Communication is important because theBook of Genesis speaks directly about God as the communicator: Godsaid, "Let there be light." (Genesis 1:3) God spoke a word. God used thevehicle of words; the medium of spoken communication, to effect creation.It was a word that took away the darkness and brought light to the blackconfusion. It was a word that gathered the great bodies of water. It was aword that encouraged birds to fly and animals to crawl. It was a word thatput life into seeds and flavored the fruits. And in a final burst of intimatecommunication, it was a word that called forth the man and the woman.
It is important to communicate; to be able to reconcile one back torelationship. There is life in communication. In the beginning, God utteredwords that gave energy and life. In the beginning, God communicated.
Throughout the Hebrew scriptures, these writings can viewedas a collection of the memories of the Israelites engaged in mutualcommunication with their God, stories of their struggles to be attentiveto energize one another, and to speak words of truth to their hearts. Theytalk of the story of God's faithful communication and of the hoveringbreath that sustained the men and women of biblical times, such as;
"You yourselves have seen what I did with the Egyptians, howI carried you on eagles' wings and brought you to myself."(Exodus 19:4)
"Like an eagle watching its nest, hovering over its young, hespreads out his wings to hold him, he supports him on hisopinions." (Deuteronomy 32:11)
Communication should never stop! God has always spoken a wordthat enabled them to continue their journey. The Hebrews heard thiscontinuous communication through the great Prophets, teachers and thescriptures.
Communication reveals who you are. Also, communication will letsomeone into your world. It will let you know who you really are. A keypurpose of communication is to reveal, to make known what is inside theheart of another. Its purpose is not to try to get the other to change.
Effective communication is important, because things go wrong if youdon't really spell out what is expected, so speak clearly, so that there willbe no need for questions to be asked. Questions confuse the issue. Theywaste time too. Communication is an open, candid, free exchange betweenhusband and wife. Neither needs to be on his or her guard in order to avoidrisking misunderstanding by the other.
Body language is an important element because it can facilitatecommunication or be a barrier to it. Many experts agree that only 7%of our messages are communicated by words alone. Exactly how do wecommunicate?
(1) 7 % words only;
(2) 38% voice tone and inflection; and
(3) 55% facial expressions, body positions and gestures.
When there are inconsistencies between words and body language,the words say "yes" and the body language says "no"; body language isthe more accurate message. People believe what you do, not what you sayyou will do.
Becoming more aware of one's non-verbal cues and more sensitiveto the body language of others can significantly improve the quality ofcommunication.
CHAPTER 3
EXCOMMUNICATION
The definition of excommunication is the state of someone that is cut off byecclesiastical authority from sharing in the sacraments, worship, privileges,or fellowship of a church-an excommunicated person.
Corrupt communication leads to excommunication. Adam andEve was excommunicated from the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:23-24).Listening goes hand in hand with communication. The earth taught theIsraelites to listen. The Prophets told them how to listen. The events oftheir lives reminded them that listening was demanding; that it would notcome without cost. Sometimes people listen, but listen to the wrong thing.In the wilderness, the chosen people listened to their discouragementsand fears. They listened to the bitter taste of exile in foreign lands.Listening to the wrong things and being disobedient to God will lead toexcommunication.
"Hidden in the storm, I answered you, I tested you at thewaters of Meribah. Listen, you are my people, let me warnyou. Israel, if you would only listen to me!" (Psalm 81:7-8)
There is help for us if we would listen. Our homes and families couldbe better, our marriages could be saved. If we listen and obey, we will notbe excommunicated from the fellowship of God.
"Listen, listen to me ..., pay attention, and come to me;listen and your soul will live." (Isaiah 55:2-3)
God who continually spoke to the Israelites required a response. TheIsraelites were to receive the word and take in the breath, and be movedto respond. By not responding to what you hear, could cost you to beexcommunicated out of your marriage.
The Prophet Isaiah understood this response to be profoundlyintertwined with the call to serve:
"The Lord Yahweh has given me a disciple's tongue. So thatI may know how to reply to the wearied, He provides mewith speech. Each morning He wakes me to hear, to listenlike a disciple. The Lord Yahweh has opened my ear." (Isaiah50:4-5)
For Isaiah, responding flows from listening. The ability to listen comesfrom God who has opened my ears, which at the start of each new day tohear life, that prepares the children of God to have a meaningful word fora wearied world.
The Prophet saw listening as so important that he identified it as thepurpose for waking: "Each morning He wakes me to hear, to listen . . ."Listening to the ones you love will keep you close together and not to beexcommunicated. A good listener will make good communication.
The scriptures present Jesus as a listener from the earliest days of Hisyouth:
"Three days later, they found him in the temple, sittingamong the doctors, listening to them, and asking themquestions." (Luke 2:46)
Jesus listened, and it paid-off in the wilderness of temptations. Therein the wilderness He fought. He struggled with His life and wrestledwith its meaning. He faced all the possibilities and listened intently tothe implication of each of them. For a period of time that seemed likeforever, He was absorbed in thought and lost in the depths of reflection.Gradually the reflection brought light. Listening became prayer. It is inthe wilderness, in the empty lonely, unsure places of life that Jesus hearsGod's voice:
"Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word thatcomes from the mouth of God." (Matthew 4:4)
The Procedure for Excommunication
Excommunication is the act of separating a person from all the privilegesof the local church. There is a four step procedure to follow before anyexcommunication is made. These guidelines come from the words of Jesusin Matthew 18:15-18.
Step One
Go and show him his fault. If you are aware of sinful practices in thelife of a brother or sister, go in private, and correct him or her. If he or sherefuses to hear you, go to step two.
Step Two:
Take others along and repeat step one. If your private counsel doesnot work, then take one or two others with you and bring the correctionsagain. Find some of your most mature Christian friends, and take themalong with you. Remember, you are trying to rescue a brother, not to killhim. If he or she refuses to hear you, go to step three.
Step Three:
Tell the Church. If your collective efforts still produce no positive effect,then bring the matter to the whole Church for their action. Confrontationhurts, but it is the best cure. The Church must be told the story, and theChurch must act competently upon the issue.
The Whole Church: the Pastor or the Pastor and his ministerial board.If he or she refuses to hear you, go to step four.
Step Four
Excommunication, if the erring party refuses to hear the counsel ofthe Church, then let that person be removed from all Church privilegesand rights. As in I Corinthians 5:1-13, such
persons are to be expelled from the membership roll of the Church andregarded like any other spiritually lost human being. Their names must bedropped from the membership roll of the Church. The membership list ofthe local Church must reflect, as best possible.
Anyone that doesn't keep or abide by God's laws will be excommunicated(either through punishment at the hands of God; or through expulsionfrom the community.
"And the uncircumcised male who is not circumcised malewho is not circumcised in the flesh of his foreskin, thatsoul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken mycovenant." (Genesis 17:14)
So, anyone that does not take heed to what they have heard, or isdull of hearing will be excommunicated, which means there is no morecommunication (fellowship) with God, family, friends, etc., because of thefailure to communicate.
One of the greatest difficulties between husbands and wives, parentsand children, and various members of a congregation who have poorinterpersonal relations is the problem of loose ends. Loose ends are thoseinterpersonal problems between Christians that remain unresolved, becauseof the lack of communication.
Problems between husbands and wives or Christians should notcontinue unresolved. When they do, strength is sapped from the marriage orfrom the congregation. Unresolved problems hurt everyone and dishonorsJesus Christ's name, or could bring marriage to an end. There is no placetherefore, for such loose ends in the Church or the marriage. God doesnot allow for loose ends; rather He insists that every personal difficultythat arises must be settled. Every such difference must be cleared up byreconciliation. Go and get the matter straightened with your brother oryour spouse.
Excommunication always occurs when one reflects the authority ofthe Church of Jesus Christ (or lack of communication between husbandand wife which lead to divorce). He is excommunicated for contumacy.Excommunication occurs when men act like Nabal; "He is such a worthlessman that no one can speak to him." He just would not communicate. (ISamuel 25:17) As Jesus Christ puts it, "He will not hear (listen to) theChurch."
CHAPTER 4
ACTIVE LISTENING
Active listening techniques help us participate fully as receivers ofcommunication. We become truly skilled listeners when we use themintentionally, with understanding of their purpose and effects on others. Inany situation, active listening helps us to communicate more effectively by:
(1) Disciplining us to listen. We cannot use the listening skills withoutpaying attention to what others say.
(2) Showing others that we are listening and working to understandwhat they are saying, this promotes openness, reduces defensivenessand leads to honest conversation.
Important in active listening is what we listen for. If we are to workwith people successfully, we must listen for feelings, as well as for facts.There are five active listening behaviors in effective communication:
(1) Question/Clarify
(2) Paraphrase
(3) Encourage
(4) Silence
(5) Summarize
You have the sender and the receiver; both are to share the responsibilityfor effective communication. However, the receiver has a greater and moreimportant role. It is the listener who has the power to break the pattern ofautomatic responses that block or distant communication. Active listeningalso has a positive impact on the speaker. It can help the speaker feel he/she is being understood and successful in expressing him/herself. This canlead to the following reaction:
(1) greater objectivity and open mindedness;
(2) decreased defensiveness;
(3) an increase in self-confidence;
(4) an increase of mastery; and
(5) an increased sense of competence.
Feeling understood gives rise to a sense of frustration and anger towardthe other, as well as toward oneself. Active listening not only furthers thecommunication process, but also leads to better relationships, making iteasier to work well together.
