In the Internet dating guidebook Infinite Possibilities, Hyleath Rose shares advice gathered from her personal experiences with online dating that will help others get past the stigmas and jump into the new world of dating. Rose offers an informative look into the often intimating online dating world. As she leads others through basic dating rules, personal safety issues, and ways to avoid a con artist, she shares specific information on how to: Boost self-esteem Post a good photograph Determine personal preferences; Communicate on the first date; Watch for signs that he is interested; Enjoy the process and stay positive; For women who are ready to give those lonely nights a rest and find the love of their life with the click of a button, Infinite Possibilities provides the practical guidance to get started today!
Infinite Possibilities
How Finding Love Online Can Work For You Too!By Hyleath RoseiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2010 Hyleath Rose
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4502-1452-0Contents
Acknowledgements......................................viiIntroduction..........................................ixInternet Dating Stigmas...............................1My First Experience...................................4MEN...................................................10Basic Dating Rules....................................17What Exactly Are You Looking For?.....................25Preferences...........................................36The Wrong Man.........................................41Looking For Casual Sex................................46Predators.............................................51Cheating..............................................55Protecting Yourself...................................59Personal Information..................................71Con Artists...........................................74The Process...........................................81Conclusion............................................85Appendix: Web-Site Directory..........................87
Chapter One
Internet Dating Stigmas
The following are common stigmas attached to Internet dating that deter people from trying it:
1) You're desperate and can't meet men any other way.
This is the new age of dating and meeting people. There is no shame or desperation surrounding using alternative means to find the right person for you.
2) Its dangerous.
There are obvious dangers online. You need to be vigilant and protect yourself at all times; however it's no different than meeting any new person. I have met people online that I have run into at the gym, grocery store, or out with the girls. The same people you meet online you can meet in the street.
3) You're too old.
I met a woman in her sixties retired in Florida living out her retirement years in the sun. She was a long time divorcee and found a fellow retiree on a dating websites free month trial. She met a man who also was using the free month trial. They exchanged emails for weeks on his last day of the trial he gave her his phone number. They eventually married. There are people of all ages online. There are sites devoted to people of certain ages.
4) I've been single too long. I can't do this.
It's hard for people who have been single for long periods of time or never really had a lot of dating experience, to believe online dating could work for them. I totally disagree. The Internet opens the world. There are men online just like you, who have experienced similar situations and circumstances. Not every man in the world has had worlds of dating experiences. Being divorced and having a hard time getting back on the saddle of dating can apply to both genders. The Internet is a place to connect with him. You could be missing out.
5) What will my friends and family think?
I know a few couples that hide the fact they met online. I also know those whom boast about it. It is entirely your discretion what you choose to reveal to family and friends. Every time I meet someone new, the inevitable question arises "So how did you meet." My general response is "through a friend." They don't have to know my computer is my friend, that's just my little secret.
Do not let any of these reasons deter or prevent you from meeting the love of your life, or at least a date to your office holiday party.
My First Experience
My first Internet dating experience occurred in 1996 during my junior year in college. I was an Accounting major, and knew zilch about computers. We were required to take one or two classes on computers but only as it related to accounting principles. My aunt Olivia had purchased a computer and had an AOL membership. She talked nonstop about all the new things she found online. The men were her biggest topic of conversation. Aunt Olivia was meeting tons of men online. I had to investigate the phenomena, so I immediately went to her house to see what all the fuss was about. I signed onto her computer, she gave me a brief AOL tutorial, and within twenty minutes I was chatting with four men at once on instant message (IM for short). Instant messaging allows you talk to people in real time by typing messages back and forth to each other. Yahoo, AOL and MSN will let you download and use their instant message services for free. I advise anyone attempting to begin online dating to use an IM service. My first experience with instant message was amazing. I've never had that many men paying attention to me at the same time before. They all seemed interested in getting to know more about me. I was amazed by the interest coming from little boxes that were popping up on the computer screen. I came from the school of thought that you meet one man and focused all of your attention on him until you broke up. You were depressed, you cried your eyes out, and then you got over the hurt and waited for the next guy to come along. Little did I know those days were about to be over. I was instantly hooked, and my dating life changed dramatically.
Eventually Aunt Olivia joined a dating site. I was a struggling college student, so she allowed me to access her account with her user name and password. Since she didn't have any pictures on the website I just introduced myself to men I was interested in. I told them I was using my aunt's membership. I described myself and what I was looking for. If they were interested I asked them to email me at my personal email account. In 1996 I didn't see any pictures on this website so this process was no different than putting an ad in the classified. I was still very green to the whole World Wide Web process, so I enlisted a friend to give me the rundown since her brother was studying to be a computer engineer. After about a thirty minute tutorial in the school's computer lab, I was off and running. I came across an ad that caught my eye. I based my interest off his profile's bio; 25 years old, 6'2" tall, 220 pounds, and worked in publications. He had detailed descriptions of his likes, dislikes, and what he was looking for in a woman. His depiction of the woman for him sounded like music to my ears. I sent him an email. In less than a week we were talking on the phone, creating high phone bills. Remember long distance telephone rates in 1996 were entirely different than today's fees. There was no such thing as free nights and weekends or unlimited long distance home phone service providers.
I thought I had met the man of my dreams. We talked every day. After several weeks of build-up we decided to finally meet. He made the two and half hour trek to my campus and I was standing exactly where I told him I would. He drove up in a little Saturn. I was finally going to meet the man of my dreams in person. He was the man that played a starring role in all my fantasies. Unfortunately, my dream man turned into my date from hell. He parked the car and literally had to push himself off the steering wheel to extract himself from the vehicle. He was definitely 6'2 but had to be well over 400 pounds. I was flabbergasted and totally crushed. I wanted to run but my feet wouldn't move. I couldn't believe this was the same man I had talked to every day for two months. How could my mind play such tricks on me? Ok let's be clear, his weight was not the issue. Ok let me be honest it was an issue, but not the primary issue. The primary issue was his lie. I couldn't believe this man sat on the phone with me day after day knowing he lied to me from the beginning. He didn't even bother to warn me when we finally decided to meet. Its one thing to lie about 20 or 30 pounds, but 200 pounds was an entirely different story. I had fantasized about my dream man and was totally disappointed when my dream turned into a nightmare. He was a nice person and still had the personality that charmed me on the phone, but his personality wasn't enough for me to get past the deceit. I also wasn't attracted to him. Despite my reservations, I continued on the date saying to myself at least we could still be friends. His plans were totally different. As we were saying our goodbyes in the lobby of my dorm, he leaned over to kiss me. Instinctively, I backed up. He was visibly upset and I noticed a change in his demeanor. Then he asked me directly what I thought of him. I was stunned. I searched my mind for an answer finally blurting out "You're bigger than I expected." I believed that was a reasonable answer. He did lie about having an extra two hundred pounds. Naturally, he began to argue and yell at me that I was shallow. I in turn yelled back, "You should never have lied; clearly you were hiding it for a reason." This taught me a lesson not to lie. I would never want to be in the same position he put himself in, on a date with someone who had no interest in me. Obviously that date didn't turn into a wonderful dating experience; however, it did turn into a wonderful Internet dating learning experience.
I didn't allow that one bad incident to deter me from my relationship goals. I continued Internet dating. Looking back on my Internet dating history, I've had some good dates, some bad dates, and some so-so dates. You aren't guaranteed anything when you meet new people. When my friends are sitting at home complaining about being alone, or involved in dead-end relationships because their low self esteem convinced them they will never find another man; I'm out on an adventure with a potential new boyfriend. I cherish my new experiences. Each new experience may lead to infinite possibilities. The world of online dating made me understand my self-worth. I realized I don't have to settle and neither do you.
When I look back on my first Internet experience, I had to ask myself a question.
Was He Really What I Was Looking For, Or Was He Just The Fantasy Of What I Wanted Him To Be?
Once I answered that question the reality of the situation was evident. I used my imagination to make him into what I wanted him to be. I had expectations before I actually met him.
I also had come to the realization that even though I tell the truth, the world is full of dishonest people. Everyone online does not believe in my same principles and values, and everyone's not looking for the same thing. The Internet makes it easy to fantasize about someone. I suggest you check your fantasies at the door. When meeting new people take them as individuals and as they come. Do not start putting his last name next to yours when you know nothing about him. Elevated expectations of someone you don't know can be very disappointing.
Chapter Two
MEN
I know this goes without saying, but men are very different than women. We should all be aware of that nugget of information. Women are primarily lead by their needs and emotions. Men are logical creatures which sometimes makes it hard to connect. Men can also be more visual then women. I know quite a few men who want a beauty queen on their arm regardless of the woman's personality (remember the eighty nine year old man who married Anna Nichole Smith a twenty six year old stripper). Although women wouldn't mind having an attractive man by their side, we tend to use personality as a big factor in our dating choices. Fortunately for us not all men follow the beauty queen pattern. There are some men that are genuinely interested in your personality rather than your physical presentation.
Even Though Men Are Very Visual Don't Assume You Know What Every Man Wants Physically.
The male species physical desires can vary. Some men are into Big, Small, Short, Tall, White, Asian, Latino, or Black women. The common theme is that they see and like whatever they desire. Don't disregard yourself for fear of a lack of attraction from a man. I have met many men whose desires differ greatly from the standard beauty you see in a magazine or on a movie screen.
So you put yourself out there and receive an email from someone who's interested now what? Can you keep him after the initial attraction piqued his interest? Never make the mistake of questioning his interest in you.
The Worst Dating Mistake You Can Make Is To Talk Someone Out Of Going Out With You.
Several men have confided in me that they have met women that were beautiful on the outside, but once they started conversing with them, they found those women had trust issues, low self esteem or nasty personalities. Men fall all over her, but you can't understand why she can't keep a man. Being beautiful doesn't mean you don't have issues. Some women have traffic stopping looks; however, they have the worst self-esteem you've ever witnessed. Men who are truly looking for a connection care about your personality and who you are as a person.
Don't Be Fooled That All Beautiful Women Have Dating Mastered.
I lost a considerable amount of weight in my twenties. I went from a size 22 to a size 10. I have dated online at both body types. I found men that were interested in me when I was big and also small. Looking at me now you can't tell I used to have a major weight problem. Growing up with a weight problem diminished my self-esteem for a variety of reasons. How I felt about myself hindered me in the dating arena. I often questioned a man's interest so he would prove his feelings for me. This can be one of the most common side effects of low self esteem. Looking back on my life, not loving me put a monkey wrench in finding a man who would love me.
With every new person you meet, you are a clean slate. Don't assume you know what they are about and what they like. When you meet a man never make any negative comments about yourself. Self-deprecating humor isn't even funny when comedians do it, so don't try this at home folks. If the guy is interested in dating you leave it at that. Don't come up with a laundry list of your negative attributes expecting him to come to your defense. There's no such thing as a perfect person, and he should understand that too. I guarantee he's not perfect no matter what you think of him. You want a man who will love you unconditionally with all of your flaws, quirks and idiosyncrasies. Unfortunately, we women like to share entirely too much information about ourselves. Leave the sharing for girl's night out. When you initially meet a person, don't go into a long monologue about all your problems such as your weight problems, ill-mannered children, crazy exes, or financial troubles. Remember the key is not to talk a man out of dating you. Once you're in a committed relationship and he has developed feelings for you please by all means share until your heart's content. A complete stranger won't appreciate all that sharing, and will leave skid marks trying to get away from you.
The First Phase Of Internet Dating Is The Initial Attraction.
Through the exchanging of pictures you both can assess whether there is a mutual attraction before you initiate actual contact. If you write an award winning ad but choose not to upload a picture, then your ad could easily go unnoticed. Human nature requires us to want a visual (picture) first. There are many people who don't read the ad, and reply to you based on pure attraction so be prepared to answer questions that were clearly stated in your ad. Please don't take this as an insult. Minimally he's physically interested in you and that's the main reason for putting yourself out there. He could still turn out to be the man for you.
If you're that person who doesn't like taking pictures, and believe you're not very photogenic, GET OVER IT! Don't raid your old photo album to find a picture that clearly misrepresents what you currently look like. A picture weighing fifty pounds less or several years younger is not a good representation of what you look like now.
You Want To Represent Yourself In The Best Way Possible.
It's also a good idea not to post pictures with anyone else in them. You might look great in a group picture with your friends, but you don't want someone viewing your pictures and they're more interested in your friends than you. Another big mistake I hear men complain about is women who put up pictures with other men in them. They want to meet you so they shouldn't have to figure out who the guy in the picture is, even if he is your brother. I took a really awesome photo with a male friend of mine and posted the picture on a dating site. The guy had his arm around me so before I posted it I cut him out using photo shop. Since I received numerous questions regarding whose arm was around me I finally took the picture down. With all the inquiries I received concerning the picture, I can assume some men neglected to even send me a message because of that arm.
Call your friend find a digital camera, get yourself together like you're doing a photo shoot, and get ready for your close up. Go and get your hair done, buy a new outfit, and get your make-up done too. It's your day, so act like you're a model. Do whatever it takes to boost your self-confidence so that you can make your best impression. The beauty of digital cameras is you can delete what you don't like. You don't have to waste time developing film. Digital cameras are another great advancement in modern technology. What you need to process and understand is that how someone looks to the opposite sex is purely subjective. Meaning, it's on a case by case basis. I can't stress it enough beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Haven't you been out and about and noticed an unattractive person coupled with a very attractive person? Don't you always wonder to yourself, how the @3%$! did they get together? There's no true definition of beauty because everyone's opinion is different. Who's to say that attractive person doesn't look at that seemingly unattractive person and believe they are a god or goddess.
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Excerpted from Infinite Possibilitiesby Hyleath Rose Copyright © 2010 by Hyleath Rose. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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