His Ingredient Label
A Woman's Guide to Recognizing a Junk Food ManBy J. M. TardyiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2010 J. M. Tardy, MBA/PHR
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4502-1552-7Contents
Acknowledgments......................................................ixThe Point of it All..................................................xiJust for Me..........................................................xiiIntroduction.........................................................xiiiChapter One: Let's Go Shopping!......................................1Chapter Two: Wait-Am I Ready for This?...............................15Chapter Three: Your Most Valuable Shopping Asset.....................25Chapter Four: Hiccups................................................35Chapter Five: Controlling Those Cravings.............................53Chapter Six: What About Your Friends?................................65Chapter Seven: When the Tables Turn..................................73Chapter Eight: Women Decide..........................................81Chapter Nine: You Don't Always Have to Prove It......................91Chapter Ten: When it's Time to Let Go................................99Chapter Eleven: Trouble Leads to Blessings...........................107Chapter Twelve: When You Reach "Zero Tolerance"......................115Chapter Thirteen: Recruiting in the Right Zone.......................123Chapter Fourteen: My Story...........................................135A Final Letter to my Sisters in Spirit...............................145About the Author.....................................................147Do You Have the Right Story?.........................................149
Chapter One
Let's Go Shopping!
What if you had the luxury of literally shopping for your potential life partner? Walking from aisle to aisle or browsing a full-color print or online catalogue, wouldn't you take the time to carefully check out what each man is made of? Wouldn't life be easier if men could just wear ingredient labels?
If you were able to view this man's ingredient label, you would instantly know what your future with him held. You would have the discernment to understand that a man who has a low percentage of his character dedicated to honesty may be a liar. A man with a small percentage of commitment may be a cheater. A man who is average in charm may have "game." A man who is low in integrity might be ready to deceive. You could instantly conclude that you do not need his possible drama in your life. You would know that this man is more of a hassle than a helpmate. You would walk away and be satisfied with your decision. Right?
Unfortunately, men don't come with ingredient labels, and without them, understanding masculine components isn't a transparent process. It takes time, understanding, and discernment to fathom what a man is made of. Adult men are no longer those little boys made of "snips and snails and puppy dog tails," as the nursery rhyme used to tell us. As a matter of fact, the most challenging part of playing the dating game and investing in relationships is the ability to recognize the true character of a man in enough time to decide whether you should stay with him or move on without him.
Whether you are dating casually or in a committed relationship, there is the potential to absorb great hurt, anxiety, bitterness, pain, and insecurity. These are the toxins that we prefer to avoid in life; therefore, we need to be more aware of their proximity. How can one recognize those qualities in another person? I hear many women say, "I wish I knew then what I know now." The goal of this book is to help women in relationships learn to read their guy's ingredient label (i.e., interpret his character) in order to decide whether to pursue, be pursued, or walk away. Such knowledge will let you make a conscious and satisfying decision.
If you are a wife, girlfriend, "jump-off," mistress, "friend with benefits," or any other applicable term for a female that is involved with a male, then I am talking to you. Your relationship doesn't have to be sexual, it doesn't have to be formal, and it doesn't even have to be known or defined. Even if you feel that you are the only participant in your situation-girlfriend, you are still involved. Yes, you are "having relations" because you have allowed someone to occupy your time and impact your life. Keep reading, because the following is specifically for you.
Ingredient Labels
I don't know about you, but I have been on a healthy eating kick lately. I'm not sure what it is, but the older I get, the more my body starts to crave nutritious items like vegetables, fruits, and water-I crave water! I remember when I was in high school and college; I could eat anything and as much of it as I wanted with no side effects. I can't do that these days! Everything I eat that is unhealthy will stick right to my stomach and thighs. If I even daydream about donuts, I'm convinced that I will gain a pound or two.
So, I am cleansing myself. Of course, every now and again, I slip off the high road and eat something fatty or sweetened, but I eventually go back to my healthy regime, buying nutritional foods and sticking to sensible servings. Now, to manage this, I have to start paying more attention to the ingredients in foods. I can't just put anything into my body that smells good or looks tempting. I had to learn what was healthy and unhealthy for me, and why. It was not enough for someone to tell me to stay away from a Snickers Bar; I needed a reason. Yes, a Snickers Bar is so tasty that I have to know why I shouldn't eat one every day. The same principle applied to carbs, starches, and unwholesome fats. I couldn't just plunge into any kind of food I wanted. No, I had to seriously consider the effect of those foods on my body, my mind, and even my overall health and life. No matter how wonderful that hot fudge sundae (with double hot fudge) looked on the Dairy Queen sign, I couldn't just order one without thinking about the consequences. So if I ate that hot fudge sundae, I would have to skip breakfast or lunch-or both-to compensate for the calorie overload that was impacting my poor, unsuspecting figure.
Then, out of the blue, I began thinking about how to apply this same concept to men. Allow me to explain ...
Like food, men (and women, for that matter) contain ingredients, but we use a different term for human ingredients. We call our additives "character." If you are trying to cleanse yourself from unhealthy relationships the way I cleansed my body from unhealthy foods, then maybe it is time for you to start reading men's ingredient labels. Character is defined as one of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual. The character of a man is sometimes obvious, but at other times it is unclear. You have to understand a person and his behavior in order to identify character, just as you must be able to read an ingredient label in order to identify a product's composition. In either case, how would you ever know what you are about to ingest or invest in? Take a look at the matrix below.
This matrix is divided into a clear zone and a shaded zone. The products within the clear zone (Quadrant One: the Vegetable, and Quadrant Three: the Hot Pepper) are healthier than those in the shaded zone. For example, most people know how good broccoli and beets are because studies have shown their positive effects on the body. But how many people actually know how healthy hot peppers can be for your body? Studies have shown the positive effects of hot peppers on health due to the capsaicin they contain. You may have heard of capsaicin because it can be found in over-the-counter pain relievers. Capsaicin in your diet can help to prevent heart disease by lowering cholesterol levels and blood pressure. And next to taking a capsaicin supplement, eating hot peppers, like cayenne peppers, is a great way to keep it in your diet. Who would have known? I didn't-until I did a little research!
Now, the products in the shaded zone (Quadrant Two: the Cigarette, and Quadrant Four: the Enhanced Water) are unhealthy. Need I take time to explain the negative side effects of cigarettes? I don't think so. You already know tobacco is harmful. You understand that the long-term side effects of smoking outweigh the short-term pleasures of nicotine. The bottom line is that you do not have to read the ingredient label of a cigarette package in order to know that smoking is unhealthy.
Now, pay attention to this one closely, because it's the most complex of the other three quadrants. The pros and cons of enhanced waters (i.e., SoBe Lifewater, or Glaceau Vitaminwater) are not as clear. Someone like me sees a tasty and refreshing water that happens to be enhanced with vitamins and believes that it could be a valuable addition to my daily eating plan. I instantly believe that I am going to enjoy the best of both worlds of taste and nutrition. I don't mind drinking water, since I'm starting to crave it more, and now I don't have to worry about remembering to take any vitamins. The nutrients are already in the water, right? How great is life? But there is one problem. Enhanced waters contain sugar. I mean loads of sugar! Some actually refer to these waters as sugar water. Studies have shown that enhanced waters can have as much sugar as a can of soda, like Coca-Cola or Pepsi. How can it be that most consumers aren't aware of this? This is because these waters are packaged so well that most consumers, like me, don't feel that they even need to check the ingredient labels, but I am glad that I did.
After my careful comparison of men to nutrients, I broke down the matrix further. The products in the top row are common knowledge to consumers. Without having to read an ingredient label, consumers have a general understanding of whether these items are good or bad for a person, whereas the products on the bottom row are more ambiguous. In order to really understand their positive or negative value, the ingredient label must be read closely. Taking time to learn what is inside an unknown food or beverage can mean the difference between being healthy or unhealthy.
As women, if you've been dating long enough, you've gone out with at least one guy from one of these representative quadrants. So have my girlfriends and I. Let's begin with the first row. The most obvious nutritional contrasts are Quadrant One: the Vegetable, and Quadrant Two: the Cigarette.
Angie landed in Quadrant One, the Vegetable, when she met Darrin. Darrin was a single, tall, dark brother. He didn't have a lot of money, but he handled his finances very well. Angie was impressed. As a high school teacher, he loved educating teenagers, and he wasn't looking to expand his career much further. He was degreed, polished, and polite. Doesn't he sound like a great catch? He was. Darrin was a bona fide vegetable. He was everything that we are told as young girls to pursue in a prospective mate when we get older. But if we are not prepared to select a healthy vegetable, we sometimes find that we are not as impressed by him once we recognize that there is no edge to this guy that can compensate for our sweet tooth. This is what happened with Angie and Darrin. Now, Darrin was a fantastic catch to the average woman, but he wasn't adequate for Angie. He just wasn't aggressive enough. He was always by her side when she needed his time, but she didn't care to return the favor. Everything they did, like go to dinner, talk on the phone, and go to the movies, had to be on her terms. But Angie knew Darrin's worth; she knew that he was a good man (a vegetable) and held on to him. She would have been crazy to let him go. So she maintained the status quo with Darrin. In the meantime, she kept him holding on to a dream of what might be between them in the future while she continued to date others.
Toni planted her roots in Quadrant Two, the Cigarette, when she met Doug. Despite others' concerns, Doug seemed to be everything that Toni thought she was looking for. As long as I have known her, she has loved this man who is no good for her. Doug used to cheat, lie, and outright misuse Toni, but she is used to him by now. Moreover, Toni pursues men who are "no good" in general. She feels they need her, and she loves to give, give, and give. It has become an emotional crutch that she cannot let go of. Like Toni, we sometimes become addicted to the Cigarette-flaming, fiery, and exciting-but then, just a butt in the end.
Now, I believe that people stumble into Quadrant Three, the Hot Pepper, just like you find yourself in the grocery store's junk food aisle without planning it, but still come across your favorite low calorie snack bar and throw it in the basket. Jasmine did something like this when she met Tyler. What's funny is that she didn't meet him first; her girlfriend Samantha did. The day Samantha met Tyler she didn't think he was her type. See, Tyler was a waiter, and Samantha made six figures employed in corporate America. "Who dates a waiter?" Samantha asked me. Through small talk Samantha and Jasmine also realized that Tyler was a divorced single father of a little girl named Alicia. Samantha assumed Tyler had too much baggage, and he was just too low on the social scale for her to date seriously. So, Jasmine decided to date Tyler. Sadly, Samantha allowed Tyler to slip right through her fingers and into Jasmine's grasp. And now Jasmine is in love with a man who is intelligent, charming, honest, reliable, financially secure, and everything else she respects in a partner. Yes, Jasmine is in love with Tyler, and he loves her right back. And herein lies the twist to the Hot Pepper. From the outside, Tyler doesn't seem to have a lot to offer, but what Samantha didn't know is that Tyler owned the franchise where he was waiting tables. He is the best kind of father and example to his little girl. He isn't afraid of commitment, which is why he was married before. He believes in monogamy; the divorce came about because his ex-wife cheated on numerous occasions. And what about Samantha? Samantha is still single and looking for a Cigarette or a Vegetable-they're all looking pretty good these days, no matter which quadrant they hail from.
Now remember, men who fall into Quadrant Four, the Enhanced Water, are packaged so well with their charm, intelligence, style, and swagger that you forget to check that ingredient label. But when you do, you find they are no good for you, either.
Sherri fell for James in Quadrant Four. James was a poster child for Enhanced Water. James told Sherri everything she wanted to hear, and his actions showed her even more flattering responses. James wasn't the best-looking guy on the block, but his other qualities made him that much more appealing: He was extremely smart, and he had recently earned a Ph.D. and landed a great job. He treated Sherri so well that she was sure she was dating a man in Quadrant One: the Vegetable-the clear zone. James was good to her and for her. He was dependable, and Sherri never had to worry that he was cheating, lying, or manipulating her, nor was she concerned with other petty drama-related issues. He didn't bring those her way-until one day when James decided to take a vacation with some friends. They traveled to a Caribbean island where James met a woman who saw the same ingredients in him that Sherri had seen. For the first time in James' life, there were two women simultaneously interested in his nerdy yet successful persona. And for the first time, James had to make a decision. Unfortunately, even though Sherri had been by his side for a long time, the Caribbean woman was newer and quite interesting. In the end, he chose Miss Caribbean ...
The scary thing about dating in the Enhanced Water category is that you are left feeling deceived. The interesting thing is that most of them don't realize they are deceiving you. The guy who falls into this quadrant is most likely to wake up one day and realize that his feelings for you or the relationship aren't as real as he once thought they were. Then he is stuck-and so are you. Does he stay with you to not hurt your feelings, or does he leave you once he realizes the romance meter is no longer working? And there you have the dilemma of the Enhanced Water. By the end of the relationship, you are not sure if you are more upset that he led you on for so long or because his arriving at the truth changed all of the plans you both had made for the future.
The logical deduction from our discussion is that every man (and woman, for that matter) has an ingredient label. When you are "shopping" for a potential mate, you should be aware of which group you are dating in: Quadrant One (the Vegetable), Quadrant Two (the Cigarette), Quadrant Three (the Hot Pepper), or Quadrant Four (the Enhanced Water). It doesn't matter which quadrant you are exploring, but understand that there are pluses and minuses to each. Ask yourself which is most compatible with what you are seeking for the future. Then review which quadrant you have been dating in so far. How has that been working for you? Answers to these questions may help to reshape your shopping list.
Chapter Two
Wait-Am I Ready for This?
Sometimes when you go shopping you find a new, exotic food on display. Maybe it's a spice you've never tasted before, or a special cut of meat not usually offered at this store. You decide to take a chance and buy it. Yes, it's out of your price range, and maybe it won't taste as good as it looks, but you're willing to try anything once, right?
This was Toni's personal motto. Remember Toni? Let me give you a little background on her and Doug. Now, Toni is a sharp woman. She could do a balancing act in her sleep. She is also a woman who married when she was fairly young. But that relationship did not work out, and she divorced within the next two years, retaining primary custody of a small daughter to care for. Toni continued her college studies and graduated on time, except she had to balance the responsibilities of raising a child, holding a job, attending school, and surviving a divorce all by herself. Handling these challenges would be difficult for a more experienced and mature woman, but Toni was still quite young. I admired her ambition; everyone did. No one worked harder or was more successful in all that she did than Toni.
But, like all of us, Toni had her own personal problems. Her weakness was choosing the wrong kind of men as her romantic interests. You see, Toni liked thugs or men who are rough around the edges. She was inherently attracted to men who, like hot peppers, offer a delicious edge and potential pain relief, but unfortunately, the latter never materialized. Some ladies cannot keep from gravitating toward men who are hard on women and weak on ambition; in fact, most of these men were inferior to Toni in key ways. Oddly, however, she enjoyed taking care of them, perhaps fulfilling her desire for a complete family or to have a companion in her life. This unequal pairing approach seemed to work for her, until she met Doug.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from His Ingredient Labelby J. M. Tardy Copyright © 2010 by J. M. Tardy, MBA/PHR. Excerpted by permission.
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