Savage shares with you the triumphs and trials of new parenthood from initial sleep deprivation (It wasn't even living in actual "days" really . . . more like an incoherent string of two-hour chunks) to losing the weight (My stomach not only bears a frightening resemblance to a deflated tire, but also has the texture of an orange peel). Savage takes you through a journey of Airplane Baby Haters, Mommy's Night Out, Developmental Races, making friends with the Tim Horton's guy, and the joys of shared parenting. You'll feel like your having a drink with a good friend dishing about modern motherhood. Karen shows you how to sift through all the experts out there, cope with your in-laws and dealing your own insecurities, Savage reminds new moms that just doing your best is what already makes you a great mom, and that sometimes all you have to do is just show up for them, no experts required! Karen shares the journey with you, with humour, honesty, and empathy. From the magical to the maddening, Karen Savage guides you through the ups and downs of new parenthood, where instructions are not included.

Instructions Not Included

The Adventures of New MotherhoodBy Karen Savage

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Karen Savage
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4634-0685-1

Chapter One

Hotel Hospital

It takes a while to get over the shock of childbirth. I mean, you go into this room with two people, and you come out with three. Yesterday, there was no baby. Today, there is a baby! No longer are you a mother-to-be; you're a full fledged "Mommy" It's pretty mind blowing. Take a moment and congratulate yourself. You just had a baby! Take a mental picture and try so hard to memorize everything about this moment. It's a doozy! You're finally meeting this little person who's been your belly buddy for so long now. The logistics of this whole thing are pretty crazy. On one hand you can't get over how tiny they are. They look so fragile, so delicate. But at the same time, they look huge. Did this person really grow inside my body? My first son was 24 inches long. A two-foot person! Inside my belly! How wild is that?

Are they what you expected? Did you count all their fingers and toes (or like me when I had my second and was so desperate to have a daughter I looked down and said "does she have a vagina!!??" ... Hey, give me a break; I was pretty high on delivery adrenaline. You can relate!) Finally your baby is wrapped up burrito-style in your arms and you're gazing at that tiny face. Do you see yourself in them? Your husband? Your parents? Can you believe you're actually in this moment?

Sometimes it's strange to see an actual newborn (especially one that came out of you). If you haven't been around babies much, you might be surprised to see that they look absolutely nothing like the "newborns" from TV, who are actually all three month old babies. Actual newborns can take on a few appearances: The Gerber Baby looks adorable right from the beginning. The Alien is a slightly odd looking little one. The Old Man is a baby who comes out looking like a miniature version of your Grandpa. The Exotic ones are babies who look nothing like their mother. The Cone Head is, well, a cone head, and possibly had the vacuum to help them on their journey to the world. My first baby, Thanos, was definitely a Gerber baby. He was crazy adorable instantly. When I look back at his pictures from the hospital, I'm still blown away by how "picture-perfect" cute he was. Sandy, my second, was an Exotic. She had this dark hair, and olive complexion. She looked very European, not at all like me. It was the opposite way around for my friend Marta and her daughter Natasha. Marta is from El Salvador and has a tan complexion. Natasha has the whitest, creamiest complexion. They're both beautiful, but it's like Marta is Princess Jasmine and Natasha is Snow White. Maximus, my youngest came out looking like a cross between an Old Man and an Ultimate Fighter. He had this peaceful old-soul quality to him, and also this crease that was at the bridge of his nose, like his nose was a bit swollen or something. I'm pretty sure the first words out of my mouth were "He looks like he's been in a hockey scrap already!" I called him my little Benjamin Button; my wrinkle-free old man. He was adorable. They all were. I'm so lucky. Although every mom is lucky, I know that too.

I hear some women talk about how it took them a while to bond with their baby. How they didn't feel the instant connection they thought they would. I was the opposite. I knew I would love my baby, but I had no idea that I would instantly, instantly, be madly in love with them. Bigger than I'd ever loved anyone. It's a different kind of love; different from the way I loved my friends, my sibling, my parents, and even my partner. This love was innate, biological, unconditional, and all-encompassing. I'm glad I felt that. Along with my love that kicked in right away, so did my Mama Bear protective instincts. When they went to take my baby for a bath I ordered Jimmy to go with them. When they took him for the heel prick test, I hobbled down alongside him, even though I was still as sore as can be. That, as it turned out was terribly traumatic for both of us, well, more me I think, but I couldn't bear the thought of my baby being alone for one second, and I especially didn't like the thought of him being alone with another person either. Not that I thought the nurses were crazy and were going to kidnap him or anything, I just wanted him with mommy. That's where he belonged. Suddenly I understood those stories of women who could run into a blazing fire to save their child, or lift a car off of them with an intense adrenaline surge. This primal, protective instinct surprised me a little too. It seemed to come out of nowhere, but I was thankful that it was there.

I've read books where the author talks about what a change it was going from the hospital to their home. How they got kind of used to the nurses helping out, and being able to sleep alone while the baby was in the nursery. That sure wasn't the way it was for me. My baby was in a crib right next to me from the word go. There was no nursery where he went off and slept. We were together the whole time. Well ... the whole 24 hours I was there (I don't like hospitals much). Maybe it's a Canadian thing. I'm not sure, but I liked it. I can't imagine waiting so long to meet him and then say "Ok, bye now. See you in a few hours." I was happy to have my baby right beside me and even happier when I got to take him home.

Since getting to know our children, Jimmy and I have joked about how much their births foreshadowed their personalities. With Thanos I calmly laboured at home for many hours before going to the hospital and having a quick delivery. It was slow and relatively calm and then in the span of an hour I went from 4cm to 10cm and had him delivered! Now Thanos quietly hangs back checking things out until he's ready. Then he dives right in 100%. Sandy was induced and epidural free. When describing my delivery with her I often say it can only be described as primal. It was like going from zero to 60 in a second! Start to finish lasted only four hours. Full speed. That's our girl. With Max I laboured at my parents' house for a few hours. Jimmy was at home with some workers over having the ducts cleaned. I know that sounds ridiculous, but we felt like we knew what to expect and I could hang tight without him for a bit. If it had been our first time I probably would have had him rush right over and kick the cleaners out. With Max I actually started my labour at Shopper's Drug Mart. I finished shopping, bought my things and then drove myself back to my parents' house. I hung out with my dad while my mom played with Thanos and Sandy. My dad and I chit-chatted in between contractions until Jimmy arrived. As soon as we got to the hospital I opted for an epidural. Then I barely remembered I was in labour! The nurse would say "You're about a minute and a half apart with your contractions" and I would have no idea; I had no pain. It was so calm. Max came out, not even crying, the nurses were all calmly going about there business. It was so quiet and peaceful, it was almost odd. Our little Max is definitely the calmest, most tolerant little baby I've ever met.

Bringing Home Baby

Just when you feel like you've wrapped your head around the fact that you have a baby, they send you home! To your house. With the baby. It's kind of amazing that they just let you walk right out of the hospital with a new human. Like I said, I'm not a fan of hospitals, and so with each of my babies, I was out at 24 hours on the dot. That's how long they make you stay. But still, as I was leaving with my first son, I had this sudden thought of "Really? I'm just walking out of here? With no one monitoring me? Where's the textbook? I forgot to study. Where's the written test? I had to write one to get my driver's license. I had to write about a thousand to get my degrees. But I can just go off and raise a human? Just like that? Nothing!?"

But yes, there we were, walking out of the hospital with our little boy. Back to our house where we've never had a pet, never even had a houseplant! I lose my car keys, sunglasses, or cell phone at least weekly (maybe even daily). Jimmy constantly lets the gas tank get so low the light comes on, our produce often goes rotten, I can't remember the last time I dusted the ceiling fans, we both get cranky with little sleep, and neither of us balances our checkbooks ... not exactly parent-material. All I could do was hope that the giant volcano of love I was feeling would be enough to make up for my other inadequacies.

After a battle of wits that lasted longer than I care to admit with the new car seat (which was well-researched and guaranteed to be the safest one on the market ... although it's not that safe if I can't get it in right, now is it?), we were all loaded in, our new family of three, and headed home. Jimmy has never been a particularly cautious driver, but I could sense his nerves on this inaugural drive as a father.

When we got home it was night time. I put Thanos down, still in his car seat and looked at Jimmy and laughed. "We're here. Now what?" It's night time, so it's logical to go to bed. That was what we all tried to do, but without much luck. Most of our first night home was spent taking turns rocking Thanos back to sleep, or walking around the house giving him the grand tour. Over and over and over again. Here we are. There is no turning back.

Thanos seemed to sleep like a champ during the day, so much so, that I briefly consider moving back to Australia so he could be perfectly on schedule in their time zone. I was amazed at how I could stare and stare and stare at him, even though he wasn't really doing anything, not that I had any idea what I was expecting him to do. Trying to have a conversation with anyone was nearly impossible. I'd keep telling myself "maintain eye contact, maintain eye contact" but I could only hold it for a few seconds before my gaze would magnetically redirect back to my little biological miracle.

The first four days of Thanos' life were the most tiring, humbling, joyous, challenging days of my life. I remember the four day marker because it was my dad's birthday. Since I didn't feel up to going anywhere yet, we had my mom and dad, brother and sister in law, and their two year old son over to our house. I remember my dad saying to me out of nowhere "Don't worry. It will get easier." I guess it wasn't too hard for him to tell that I was struggling a little. I was profoundly in love, definitely. But I was also sitting down and standing up at the rate of an 85 year old, my body hurt far more than I expected it still would, and no amount of make-up would cover the bags under my eyes. I remember really needing to hear those words from him. Thanks Dad. I wonder if I'll be able to do that when my kids get older; just look at them and know what they need to hear. I hope so.

It wasn't even living in actual "days" really. It was more like an incoherent string of two-hour chunks. I slept sporadically, ate sporadically, existed sporadically. I felt like I was in a constant state of half-consciousness. Some days I couldn't think farther ahead than the "shift" at hand. I handled my days with Early Morning shift, Late Morning Shift, Lunch Shift, Afternoon Shift, Pre-dinner shift (also known as the Lord of the Flies Hour!!), Bed Routine Shift, and Night Shift. Of course, Night Shift could easily be broken down into more shifts: The I'm-Up-Watching-TV-Anyway shift, the Okay-I'm-Really-Ready-for-Some-Sleep-Now-Too shift, the It's-Officially-Tomorrow-Now-Shift, the If-I-Fall-Asleep-Right-This- Second-I'll-Get-A-Sweet-Two-and-a-Half-Hours shift, and the "Oh- forget-it-Let's-Just-Get-Up" shift.

It wasn't all tough though. Luckily breastfeeding came easily, and Thanos and I spent a lot of time curled up together like this. Mostly during this time I would think about life. I couldn't get over how my body housed this person, and how by some miracle he had all his fingers and toes, and eyelashes (big beautiful ones) and lungs that could breath and a heart that could beat. And now on top of all that my body was able to feed him; to sustain his life. Isn't biology amazing!?

I couldn't believe how much I loved him; so much that my body hurt as if it were exploding with so much that I could barely contain it. Just when I thought I couldn't possibly love him more, and would wake up (and I use the term "wake up" loosely) and my heart, I swear, would be bigger, and I would.

Let the Parade Begin.... Visitors, Visitors, and More Visitors

You're home from the hospital. You made it through your first night. Here you are at your house with your baby! You're a family! It's not just the three of you though, so don't get too comfy. The parade of visitors is about to start. Especially if this is your first baby, people will be in a hurry to come for a visit. You can't blame them. They're happy for you and they want to meet your little one.

Before this starts, it's important that you wrap your head around one very important thing: you are no longer the main attraction. It's all about you when you're pregnant, but as soon as that baby arrives, it's about them. And that's ok. I mean hey, you had your fill of attention for at least six solid months since you started showing. It's only fair that take over the role of second fiddle now. Just know that people are most likely going to say "Hi!!! Oh my gosh, how's the babyyyy?" before they ask how you are. And every visitor will engage is a rousing debate and try to attribute the baby's cutest qualities to you or your hubby, or whomever their favourite relative is. People almost fell over when they came to visit Thanos. Everyone thought he looked so much like Jimmy. I don't know why, but I always wanted to say "Hey, he looks like me too! I housed him and I pushed him out for crying out loud, at least give me something!" What I've learned is that people see who they want to see. It really isn't that reflective of what baby actually looks like. And hey, babies should sometimes be allowed to just look like themselves.

When you get home from the hospital, the last thing you feel like doing, or are able to keep up with (for me anyway) is housework. I pretty much operated on the as-long-as-it's-not-un-hygienic-it's-ok philosophy. But I felt a little embarrassed about being untidy when visitors came over. I worried that nothing screamed "mom who can't cope" more than a messy house. But it was an embarrassment I was willing to take in the name of my sanity, and ability to gush all my attention on my baby.

One of the toughest parts of your first couple of weeks home with baby is dealing with visitors who overstay their welcome. I had one such group of visitors with my first baby. I was dying of exhaustion. I was happy they came to visit and to show their support, but after a few hours I just wanted them to GO HOME! It was kind of funny. They even asked me "So, are you sleeping when the baby sleeps?" and I wanted want to answer "No. Of course I'm not. I'm entertaining you." Finally I said to Jimmy "They're your relatives. You handle this. We're going to bed."

It's hard to handle this situation, but you have to remember that you're in charge. You can decide when it's time for people to leave and gently let them know. And if you feel bad about it, do what I did, and make your husband do it. Hey, you just went through labour, you fully have the right to delegate some difficult tasks to him too. Giving visitors the rush is easier said than done, I know. It took me until my second baby before I really had this idea down pat. My parents and Jimmy's parents came to see us in the hospital, but that was it. I told people I didn't want visitors the first weekend home (we had her on a Thursday) I am well aware that my mother-in-law was deeply offended by this, but I knew what I wanted. This is my family, and I need some time to catch my breath. Plus I wanted my son to get to know his new sister in as calm an environment as possible. I don't regret deciding that weekend was going to be just the four of us at all. It was the right call, and I'm glad I finally felt confident enough to speak up.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Instructions Not Includedby Karen Savage Copyright © 2011 by Karen Savage. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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