Instructions Not Included
Learning and sharing parenting skillsBy Martha D. MattesonAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 Martha D. Matteson
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4389-9405-5Contents
Instructions Not Included...............................................viiThe Adoption Option - Part 1............................................1The Adoption Option - Part 2............................................5The Adoption Option - Part 3............................................9Children in Worship? - Yes!.............................................13Children in Church: Worship or Performance..............................17Discipline For Life.....................................................21Helping Children Deal With Death........................................27It Takes A Village To Raise A Child.....................................31How To Be Angry.........................................................35It's About Love.........................................................39Learning To Say Good-Bye................................................43Regaining Christmas.....................................................47Rules For Living........................................................51Sibling Rivalry, Or Mother Always Did Love You Best.....................55Teaching Our Children To Pray...........................................59The Story...............................................................65Teaching Our Children The Joy Of Giving.................................69Train Up - An Adult??...................................................73Why Not?................................................................77When The Unthinkable Happens............................................81
Chapter One
THE ADOPTION OPTION - Part 1 It was the perfect rejoinder to a very insensitive question. The teacher was going around the room, getting to know his new students on the first day of school. When he came to our son Michael, he stopped and stared. Michael is biracial, and has been a part of our mostly white family since he was a baby, so he is used to getting stares.
"Didn't I have your sister in class several years ago?"
"Yes," Michael replied.
"And isn't she white?" he persisted.
"es," Michael answered again.
"How can that be - you're African American?"
"Well," replied Michael drolly, "you see, she's adopted!"
Michael was having fun at the expense of a teacher who was totally out of line with his questioning. But Michael's experience serves to make us aware that we come into contact with adoption issues more often than we may realize. Some of us can understand the issues of persons who are adopted, whether children or adults, and know what is helpful to say and what should not be said. Others of us, however, are very uncomfortable in trying to talk about adoption, never knowing just what to say and what not to say.
I invite you to think with me about some of the issues surrounding adoption. Through the experiences of others we will look at the "Adoption Option" and begin to understand what we can do to help children and adults to see adoption issues more clearly.
One of the first decisions adoptive parents must make is whether or how to tell the child they are adopted. Obviously, when the adopted child is of another race or ethnic background, there is no choice to be made; the fact is obvious.
However, for adopted children who have not been told of their adoption, one of the most devastating experiences that can happen to a person is to discover in some unplanned way that they are adopted. This happened to a pastor who was visiting with a member of his church one day. As they chatted, the pastor's young son was playing around them, within earshot. The member looked at the child and said, "Pastor, your little boy looks enough like you to be your own child, instead of being adopted." The member did not know that the parents had taken great care not to let the child find out that he was adopted. And up until that moment, the child had not known. What a painful experience it was for all three of them!
It used to be that there was such a stigma attached to adoption, that the thing to do was to match children and adoptive parents by looks, so that the child need never find out that she was adopted. This kind of deception creates many hurtful situations and misunderstandings when it is discovered.
Unfortunately, there are still many people who think the main reason for adoption is to give an "illegitimate" child a name. When Merv and I were first contemplating adoption, someone said to me, "Aren't you afraid that people will think that this is your illegitimate child, and your husband is adopting him to give him a name?" My response was, "No, that never occurred to me!"
The opposite of the secret, hidden attitude toward adoption is the open adoption, which is more and more prevalent today. Birth mothers are able to chose the parents for their child. Depending on the specific arrangement, the birth mother may continue to be a part of the child's life on special occasions, or at the very least the adoptive parents provide photos and other ways of keeping the birth mother informed about the growth of the child.
This kind of arrangement, while not always easy to carry out with total comfort on either side, still is a great help to the adopted child when it comes to situations like needing health information about the birth family. Then there is no need to search for one's birth family; they are available to provide information.
Searching for one's birth parents is a strong pull for adopted individuals. We all have heard or read accounts of people who searched for and found birth parents. Some of those stories had happy endings, some did not. I have a friend who found her birth mother and thus some other family members. But every time she goes to visit with that birth family, her adoptive mother becomes so jealous and resentful that she refuses to talk with her daughter for months at a time.
To overcome the stigma of the word "adopted" we used the word early on when talking with our children: "You are my fine 'adopted boy." To our daughters, who were old enough to understand, we would say, "Your brothers are fine adopted sons." In that way, the word and then the idea became a part of normal conversation, and not something to be whispered about behind anyone's back.
We sometimes see adoption portrayed as such a wonderful experience where parents and children are so glad to have each other that they always behave in positive ways. Adoption is wonderful! It is a very special relationship. But being adopted does not automatically make us perfect people. In another article we will look at some of the issues that are specific to adopted children.
THE ADOPTION OPTION - PART 2
There is no question about it - making adoptions work is not easy. But is rearing any child, birth or adopted, an easy task? Obviously not! When I am asked if I would do it again- would adopt - it's usually a loaded question, with the questioner having already made up his mind. As I have thought about it over the years, my answer is yes, definitely, I would adopt again.. But I would insist on having more information.
I would want to know more about the physical health of the birth parents. I would want more information about the physical health of the child at birth. I would want to know about possible fetal alcohol syndrome, drugs used by the birth mother when she was pregnant, whether or not there other siblings or half brothers or sisters. Some of this information is not available, especially from overseas adoptions, but whatever information is known should be shared.
I would also like to have known ahead of time what some of the common issues were with adopted children as they enter puberty. I would have liked to know where I could get help with some of the questions I had. I would like to have had a support group with which I could meet. The issue is not so much, would I adopt that child again if I knew more about her/his background. It is simply that adoptive parents would be able to do more effective parenting if they knew ahead of time what they might face.
Another issue with adoptees is bonding. When a child is born into a family, the parents make a choice to love and care for that child. Often they are not even aware that they are making this choice; it is simply part of the bonding which begins at birth. In adoption, the parents also make an intentional choice to accept the child and love him/her as their own, but usually this does not happen at birth. When they receive the child, whether as an infant or as an older child, then the bonding process begins. If the child to be adopted is not an infant, the bonding may take longer, because part of bonding takes place as the parents care for the physical needs of the child.
Adding a child to an already existing family poses a number of problems which are not present when children are added chronologically. When a child is added to a family by adoption, a change is made in the family structure. The order of children in the family may change, and this brings feelings of insecurity, especially if the adopted child displaces someone in the already existing family. If a child was the baby of the family until the adopted child appears and there is now a new baby, the displaced baby may let the family know he has been offended. Similarly, if the oldest child in a family is displaced by the adoption of an older child, there may be repercussions reflected in the behavior of the former oldest child. Competition for parents' attention is sought, often in poorly chosen actions.
In our case, we added a child who was 3 years and 3 months old, to an already existing family with children ages 8, 7 and 3 1/2. The 3 1/2 year old was most unhappy to accept this one who usurped his position as youngest in the family. He acted out his un-welcome in many inappropriate ways. Besides logical consequences of his actions, I said to him, over and over, forever it seemed, "He's your brother and he's going to stay. You don't have to like him but you do have to treat him kindly. He's your brother and he's going to stay. You don't have to like him...." Well, you get the idea.
When adopting trans-racially, there is no chance of hiding the adoption, and this presents possibilities for celebrating the child's ethnicity. But there are other issues to deal with, not the least of which is public attention, which can often be negative. One evening as I put our sons to bed, the older son began to cry. When I asked what the matter was, he said that a kid at school had told him that he didn't belong in a white family; that he was Black and needed to be with Black parents. And then our son sobbed, "But this is my family and I don't want to leave." So we talked about how we were really a family, even though we didn't look like other families. And we talked about how we loved each other, and how love bound us together. We said that other people might not understand, but we knew deep in our hearts that we were a special kind of family.
Some months after we received our first son, my husband Merv was at a clergy gathering, and one of the African American pastors publicly chided him for adopting trans-racially. The pastor told Merv, in the presence of all the other persons there, that our son needed to be in a Black home; that as white parents we could never give him the Black experience he would need to succeed in society. It was a very painful moment for Merv, even though we had affirmed together that we believed it was more important for a Black child to have a loving parent of any race, rather than have no parents and grow up in foster care.
Merv never forgot that public scolding he received from that African American pastor. Three years later, when we were presented the possibility of adopting our second son, Merv was very hesitant at first. He did not see how our resources could stretch enough to care for a fourth child. So, to bolster his position, he went to this African American pastor, and told him what we were considering, knowing that the pastor would say, "Don't make the same mistake twice."
Much to his dismay, he discovered that the pastor had done a 180 degree turn! Instead of scolding Merv, the pastor said, "No one could fault you for taking in one of God's little lambs."
Because of that experience, we learned again not to rely on public opinion to make our decisions for us; we are responsible for our choices. Gradually we began to understand that receiving our fourth child was for us, a way to follow where God was leading. Sometimes we have been frustrated, sometimes proud, sometimes sad, and sometimes filled with joy for our children. But we have never wished that we didn't have them!
THE ADOPTION OPTION - PART 3
In the previous articles about adoption, we thought about some of the problems and issues involved. Now I want to share some of the warm moments and funny incidents we have experienced over the years.
In my extended family, there have been a number of adoptions, and we often forget that not all families look like ours. Besides our two African American sons whom Merv and I adopted, I have a cousin who has two Korean daughters. I also have a brother and sister-in-law who adopted two daughters from Korea and a nephew and his wife who adopted six children, all with special needs.. Merv's sister and her husband went from having no children to being parents of three children when they adopted a sibling group of a boy 8, and girls 10 and 13. When we all get together at family reunions and weddings,we look a little like the United Nations. In our extended family we no longer notice racial differences, and we sometimes forget that we do not look like other families.
Strangers often make assumptions about our families based on their limited experience with families of several races or ethnic groups. When I go someplace with our granddaughter who is African American, people often comment on how pretty she is, and her hair, which is casual curls, usually draws attention. Because she is with me, people assume she is Caucasian. One time a woman kept commenting on her hair, and wished she could have hair like that! She asked how I combed her hair into such pretty curls. I told the woman that my granddaughter's hair just grew that way! Recently Merv and I were with a group of African American family and friends, celebrating a birthday. We were being treated to ice cream cones, and we were waiting in line to tell the servers our choice of flavors; everyone's ice cream was being paid for by the hostess. Merv got to the counter and chose his flavors, and the employee charged him, separately. "Wait a minute," said Merv. "I'm with them," gesturing around the room. It never occurred to the server that this white man could be a part of that African American celebration.
Misinformation or lack of information can cause embarrassing situations. When my cousin took their new Korean baby girl to church the first Sunday, several of the women in the congregation gathered round to see this child. They told my cousin what a beautiful baby she was and then one of them said to my cousin, "She's really sweet, but how are you going to understand her when she talks?" My cousin assured her that the baby would speak English rather than Korean!
When our sons were about 5 or 6, Merv took them to the downtown public library in the city where we were living. There was a lobby on the second floor, and Merv became engrossed in his book and was not watching the boys too carefully. The boys were playing on and off the elevator which had stopped on their floor. The greeter there did not see an African American adult watching them so he assumed they were unattended. "Boys," he said sternly, "where is your father or mother?"
Merv, now aware of the situation, said to the attendant, "I'm their father. What do you want?"
The attendant stuttered and stammered, embarrassed. He had never considered any possibility that the two African American boys might have a father who looked different from them.
Perhaps the most humorous incident involving one of our sons took place at a community Vacation Church School. I was teaching the first and second grade class, and Matthew was in my class. One of the little girls in the class, upon hearing that I was Matthew's mother, stared at Matthew, then me, then Matthew again, them me again, and one more time at Matthew and me - a triple take. Then she inquired sweetly, "Was it an accident?"
"No," I replied, "we planned it that way."
Adoptive parents and children have been very creative about ways to celebrate and honor this very precious relationship of adoption. Some families celebrate Adoption Day - the day the adoption was finalized.
One of the most touching experiences I have witnessed was an adoption ceremony which Merv's sister and brother-in-law planned in their church. When the adoption of the 8, 10 and 13 year old sibling group was complete, they had a ceremony in their church not unlike a wedding. Guests were invited, and in front of the congregation the parents and children promised to love and accept each other. It was a beautiful ceremony, honoring the precious quality of the adoptive relationship. And of course, after the ceremony there were refreshments for everyone!
There are many ways in this world that we can experience love in our families, and adoption is certainly one of them. It is my hope that you will be more aware of situations where you can affirm, support and encourage adopted children and their parents. By doing this, you will be participating in extending God's grace, and both the giver and the receiver will be blessed.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Instructions Not Includedby Martha D. Matteson Copyright © 2009 by Martha D. Matteson. Excerpted by permission.
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