Is it true that children are as vulnerable and innocent as we think they are? Adults view themselves as children's teachers, mentors, counselors, overseers, and guides. In Intentional Connections, a marriage and family therapist explores a different paradigm-one that supports the belief that children are capable of not just learning from us, but teaching us as well. Gloria O'Brien's extensive professional background has included counseling parents with concerns that range from common behavioral problems to rare disabilities. She shares psychological theories, case studies, and real-life vignettes that suggest when we observe our interactions with our children more attentively, we uncover the many life lessons children provide. While including step-by-step instructions on how adults can avoid the obstacles that interfere with our ability to hear our children and achieve greater personal growth, O'Brien provides specific guidance on how parents can • distinguish their own identity from their child's identity; • recognize emotional triggers from the past; • separate emotions from logic and enhance decision-making; • learn to empathize with children; • identify and stop button-pushing behaviors. Intentional Connections helps adults to recognize roadblocks, develop more satisfying adult-child relationships, and embark on a journey of self-improvement.
Intentional Connections
Learning to grow from childrenBy Gloria O'BrieniUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 Gloria O'Brien
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4502-7960-4Contents
Acknowledgments..............................................ixIntroduction.................................................xiChapter 1 — Supporting the Theory......................1Chapter 2 — Redefining Children........................7Chapter 3 — Children Are Not Ours......................13Chapter 4 — Understanding Emotions.....................21Chapter 5 — Separate the Past..........................33Chapter 6 — Listen with Empathy........................45Chapter 7 — Separate Yourself..........................55Chapter 8 — How to Change..............................67Chapter 9 — Forgiveness................................75Chapter 10 — Disabled Children.........................87Chapter 11 — Conclusion................................95
Chapter One
Supporting the Theory
My belief that children have the ability to be our teachers materialized through my own maternal experiences, client observations, research, and other documented beliefs that span theology, psychology, marriage and family theories, philosophy, and other disciplines.
While I was being educated in psychology and counseling, I learned about a paradigm called systems theory. It was relatively new (mid-twentieth century) compared to other psychological theories and what made it unique was that it focused on individuals within families. Based on systems theory, different family members might try to balance staying connected to the family with separating themselves as individuals. It is not uncommon to see children move away from their families when they feel that the families are too demanding. It is also not unusual to see an adult child succumb to the wishes of the family even when the wishes appear destructive to the child. Both extremes are considered dysfunctional. Ultimately, the goal of each family member is to maintain a healthy balance of connectedness and individuality.
A common therapeutic treatment involves teaching the client to separate his or her thoughts from feelings, without interference from the family's emotional attachments. Of course, this is easier said than done, but successful therapy results in the client developing this skill. There is no requirement that the child or the parent be the client. Rather, the client, adult or child, is often the most motivated family member. Conceivably, a child could learn to respond to a family situation differently, which might cause a parent to react differently in the family. As an example, parents might eat when they feel stressed. If the child learns to initiate a family bike ride when the family is stressed, the other family members might agree and choose exercise instead of overeating.
Early in the history of the science of psychology, Sigmund Freud placed excessive parenting responsibilities on mothers and consequently blamed them for a myriad of issues including unusual parental jealousies, sexual fantasies, and even autism. However, in the twentieth century a psychologist from Russia, Urie Bronfenbrenner, postulated that children are affected by all types of environments, including the environments provided by mothers. These environments, such as church and schools, have as much potential to impact children as families. Today, it is conventional wisdom that human development does not happen in a vacuum but through exposure to various systems. When children learn in other environments and are influenced by other systems, the opportunity exists for children to share new information in the home. Through those shared experiences, parents can grow from the children's knowledge, and the parents can become an extension of the children. As the children grow in knowledge and experience, parents have opportunities for change.
Some religious perspectives, including Hinduism, Buddhism, and others, have tenets rooted in rebirth or reincarnation. These beliefs suggest that a soul continues on a journey that allows it to enter many physical bodies. These reentries are chosen prior to birth and often allow the soul to work through unresolved issues from prior lives. The past-life actions can be intentional or circumstantial, depending on the religion. Regardless, most religions that support rebirth espouse that the soul makes decisions prior to entering the physical body that allows the optimal environment needed to work through designated issues.
Sometimes, reentries are for personal enlightenment, but human beings also come together to assist others with their issues. The dynamic is not unidirectional between a child and a parent. In other words, not only can the parent teach the child, but the child can teach the parent. As an example, a parent seeking the virtue of forgiveness may have a child who frequently requires forgiveness. Therefore, as a consequence of rebirth, we can learn, correct imbalances of the past, and teach others. Decisions relating to reincarnation include the circumstances in which we will be born, which set the stage for our learning and/or teaching. The reincarnation perspective emphasizes the interactions of these systems for the ultimate development of spiritual goals. Bronfenbrenner related his theory to individual learning and development without emphasis on spirituality.
Christian religions also support the importance of children. The Bible, which is the sacred book of Christian believers, clarifies the importance of children and the interrelatedness of children and parenting for fruitful human development. It is scripted that parents who receive children receive Jesus and that the humbleness of children is necessary for adults' entry into heaven (Matthew 18:2–6 ESV).
Existential philosophy is a belief system that says we must take complete personal responsibility for creating a purposeful life and defining the meaning of our own existence. Existentialists would argue that suffering is a natural and normal part of life's journey and that we can achieve greater awareness and understanding of ourselves through the discomforts, struggles, and choices that present themselves in everyday events. Nothing in existential theory suggests that angst and suffering are isolated from experiences with children. Accordingly, adults who are exposed to adult-child interactions, both positive and negative, have opportunities for self-growth.
Some of us are not rooted in religion, science, or theory based on research. Some of us understand the world based on controversial phenomena that exist beyond the physical. In 1982, Nancy Ann Tappe, a known psychic and synesthete (synesthetes have senses that are not separate; for example, a number might be seen with a specific color or a word might trigger a taste) wrote a book about special children whose births initiated in the 1960s. She called these children "Indigo children," referring to their deep blue- or violet-colored auras, the energy fields around their bodies. Without scientific support, the concept of Indigos has gained momentum around the globe; they have received attention from ABC News, CNN, and others.
Indigo children (also known as Rainbow or Crystalline) are identified primarily by their thoughts and behaviors and are defined by the following characteristics:
• Possess high moral standards
• Readily question integrity
• Have an intellect not measured by standard IQ testing
• Have strong personalities
• May appear withdrawn
• Have a purposeful existence
• Trust themselves
• Are untainted by cultural dictates
• Do not conform to standardized norms
• Rebel against authority when there is perceived injustice
Indigo children purportedly contain different neurological wiring, and perhaps this is why they are allegedly misdiagnosed, often with attention deficit disorder, autism, and learning disabilities, by the medical profession.
All humans contain DNA that allows for individual differences, cell replication, data storage, and evolution. In essence, DNA is the history of human beings, individually, universally, and ancestrally. DNA is surrounded by an electromagnetic field that has the capacity to carry information. In Indigos, DNA communicates in a broader way, which allows for higher functioning.
Does all of this mean that Indigos and other specially labeled children are our future? The claim is that they exist because they are our bridge to heightened spirituality and connectedness. They are a part of a new world order that emphasizes truth, justice, balance, sensitivity, and love. Parents and teachers of Indigos are challenged by these children. However, the message of Indigos is universal in that they were not born to be parented but to exist in a way that is simply meant to be. Dr. Doreen Virtue describes Indigos as "warriors" who are God's answer to our "collective prayers for peace."
These are but a few examples of the interplay between children and adults that support the significance of children's abilities to impact others. However, my favorite example is from a simple yet profound story, The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. The narrator in this story describes his early memories of drawing pictures with great enthusiasm, only to be discouraged by the adults around him. He recalled that adults never understood and that trying to explain was exhausting. The narrator gave up his artistic dreams, became a pilot, and met the little prince while his aircraft was downed in the desert. The prince traveled to many places before he met the pilot, and through those travels he conversed with adults who were indifferent, pompous, and preoccupied. When the prince asked the pilot for a drawing, the pilot no longer had the imagination or the desire to draw. The pilot thought the prince was a nuisance, but eventually he discovered meaning in their relationship.
Ultimately, the prince decided that what he always wanted was at home, so he allowed himself to be bitten by a snake, freeing himself from his physical body so that he could return to his planet. Before the prince left, he told the pilot that he would be happily living on one of the stars in the sky, there would always be a special bond between them, and the relationship shared would be worth the pain of the loss. In the last paragraph of the story, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote that the pilot waited with hope for the little prince to return.
In 1935, de Saint-Exupéry had been marooned in the Sahara Desert for four days. Admittedly, his hallucinations were severe, but the outcome, an eloquent story of how a child changed a man, was about the gift of friendship, connectedness, transition, and hope. The child could recognize what adults could not: that "matters of consequence" were insignificant when compared to the opportunities of life with love; that the time that you share with others solidifies your relationships; that experiences last forever; that what you see with your eyes is never as important as what you cannot see; and that the clearest vision is through the heart.
Chapter Two
Redefining Children
The concept of family is a basic social construct. How we fully define it depends on culture, history, geography, religion, laws, economy, and social issues. As with many social constructs, the American family has experienced a metamorphosis since the early days of our founding fathers.
At the beginning of American settlements, family life was determined by immigrant standards from Europe. Early families were self-contained agrarian units; they lived and worked together. A typical family fed itself through hunting and farming, built its own shelters, sewed its own clothing, and cared for one another.
Husbands and wives usually stayed together. Though laws allowed for divorce, it was impractical because an official divorce mandated a return to Europe. Couples did legally separate and live in different dwellings, but without a legal divorce, they couldn't remarry.
Children were viewed as young adults, and it was the obligation of the father to discipline, teach religion, and foster moral standards. Children received informal educations provided by the parents that typically focused on skills for living, such as sewing, spinning, and farming.
This definition of the family was fairly consistent until the 1800s, when industrialization changed our economic landscape. Children went to work in factories. Trades were chosen early in life, and marriage often occurred during the teen years.
As the concept of work became modernized, cities developed. Fathers went off to work and were less available in the home as industrialization progressed. This caused the responsibilities in the home to shift. Men reduced the time spent on parenting, and women increased their focus on the children's needs. In this period, children were used as labor in factories, which eventually resulted in laws that protected them. As more laws emerged, the perspective of children as undersized adults changed to children as innocent and vulnerable beings. Education norms developed as well. Formal education replaced informal schooling at home, and a new developmental stage called adolescence, or the stage between adulthood and childhood, appeared.
The family was the woman's domain by the late nineteenth century. Experts in many fields believed that mothers were critical for the healthy development of children, but women were viewed as naturally inferior to men; their emotional reactivity confirming their inferiority. Professionals like physicians and psychologists recommended that mothers learn to restrain themselves from exposing feelings for the sake of their own civility and the children. As women educated themselves more, they came to believe the professionals and shifted their parenting styles in accordance with the current thinking.
How the family looks today is quite different from even fifty years ago. Baby boomer children typically had two-parent families, with a mother in the home and a father at work. Families were usually homogenous. As teens and young adults, many boomers were antiestablishment; they viewed war as unnecessary, protested in the streets, encouraged social movements, changed various cultural standards, and engaged in risky behaviors.
Today, the constellation of the family takes many shapes. There are single- or two-parent households, homosexual parents, grandparents raising grandchildren, surrogate parents, foster parents, and adopted parents. Families can host mixed ethnicities, races, and religions. A twenty-first-century mother of a small child is concerned about early encouragement, contaminated toys, dangers in the home, proper nutrition, and autism. She seeks early education and socialization and questions if her child can successfully potty train in a day. Child predators are universally feared; consequently, children no longer romp through the streets until curfew as many boomer children did. There are organized sports, arranged play dates, and scheduled carpools.
Parents of school-age children join PTAs and closely monitor the public school systems. They observe teachers and other students by volunteering in classrooms; they hover around their children and their children's environments. They may demand different teachers, attempt to influence curriculum, and connect with other parents who may provide their children with status.
Technology can be their greatest enemy. Teens communicate privately through computers and cell phones, and consequently, parents can easily be shut out of the teens' activities. Responsible parenting may mean securing birth control rather than risk teen pregnancy and allowing illegal drinking only within the home. Global tracking devices provide real-time locations; parents install computer nannies, monitor social networks, and scrutinize cell phone records, while schools install metal detectors at proms.
Throughout the entire modern parenting process, there is the possibility that a child will call authorities about attempted discipline, lie to those who are required by laws to report suspected child abuse and neglect, or accidentally accuse parents of wrongdoing. Government oversight of children is greater than ever, though publicly funded systems are overcrowded, underfunded, and floundering. The founding fathers of this country would not comprehend parenting in the new millennium. Today, our children seem far from innocent and vulnerable. Children can talk to strangers who are predators, engage in risky sexual behaviors, use and abuse legal and illegal substances, and at the same time, convince their parents that they are following household rules. They remain innocent to outside influences but clever with their parents.
The assumption that children are miniature adults or quite vulnerable presents two different, polarized perspectives. Most adults understand that children develop at different rates and that within one child there can be significant inconsistencies in maturity. No one has the ability to determine how a specific child will react to others; how others will react to the child; the speed at which the child will develop; what the child's strengths and weaknesses will be; and what outside influences will take root, and this makes parenting difficult. Experts can make generalized statements about parenting, but knowing your own child is a parent's greatest strength.
History shows that the definition of family is fluid. The fact that the concept of family continues through the centuries represents its ability to adjust to other influences in society. For the purposes of this book, recognize that previous definitions of children are no longer appropriate. Our current research confirms that children are not small adults. Without a doubt, children are vulnerable to increasing exposure to various threats, but the description "vulnerable" is incomplete.
Children can see the world unfiltered by masks. Young children especially are not concerned with their public images and putting on airs. They are not burdened by societal expectations, unlike adults. Because they are simple and unrefined, they often express wisdom beyond their years. "Out of the mouths of babes" is a biblical reference but also an American idiom that underscores this concept. When we redefine children to include having insight as well as innocence, we can then recognize that they may challenge us because it is their given path in life to do so. Defining them as having insights restructures our patterns of communication with them. It allows us to recognize that they can teach us if we are willing to be taught.
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Excerpted from Intentional Connectionsby Gloria O'Brien Copyright © 2011 by Gloria O'Brien. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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