Why this book? Because I believe it is truly needed. Yes, the traditional role has been for men to be just breadwinners. But what happens if you have to be the breadwinner and the caregiver at the same time because your significant other can no longer do it, is no longer there to do it, or will no longer do it or, just plain outright, won't do it? What if she was never the mothering type to begin with or you've discovered she is such that you wouldn't trust her to take care of even a gerbil no matter how much you love her? Well, that just leaves you, unless you are planning to dump your children upon your folks, the system, or who ever. I hope that's not you, but then if it was, you would not be reading this. As far as I can see, no real effort has been made to give men, young men, any kind of guidance to be really good fathers. You can be a tough manly man and still be a good father. There are plenty of help aides for women, but you just don't see this for men. In this book, I am attempting to provide such based on my own real-life experiences and what I have done with my own children in my care. I may not be able to cover everything, but I will do my best to come as close as reasonably possible. Whether you have made the choice or you have been surprised and discovered the choice has chosen you, I will do my best to give you the information that may help you do the best job possible and hopefully also save you and maybe even your children some pain as well. Some things I say in this book may not seem to apply to fatherhood at first, but believe me, it does as it is interrelated. Nothing happens in a vacuum. There is a reason for everything, and many things that don't seem related actually have an effect on other things. So it is with everything I touch upon in this book.
The Invisible Real Fathers Guide
A Guide For Men Whom Are Or Wish To Be Real Fathers
By Derek McNeilTrafford Publishing
Copyright © 2013 Derek McNeil
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4669-8343-4Contents
Dedication, Page 5,
Special Thanks, Page 6,
Important Notice to The Reader, Page 7,
Preface, Page 8,
Introduction, Page 9,
Pre-Chapter: List of Things Every Good Father Should Have, Page 12,
Chapter One: So You Want To Be A Real Father One Day. Where Do You Start?, Page 19,
Chapter Two: Childcare Before Conception, Page 27,
Chapter Three: The Big Day, Page 33,
Chapter Four: That Helpless Baby, Page 35,
Chapter Five: A Cleaner Way for Your Baby to Benefit from Their Diaper Change, Page 37,
Chapter Six: What to Do When Baby gets Teeth and Bites During Breast Feeding, Page 39,
Chapter Seven: Solid Food, Page 41,
Chapter Eight: Daycares, Page 43,
Chapter Nine: Walking and Hazards for Babies, Page 45,
Chapter Ten: Potty Training, Page 47,
Chapter Eleven: Early Discipline and Later Discipline: When They Can Walk Around and Cause Havoc, Page 49,
Chapter Twelve: To Spank or Not To Spank, Page 53,
Chapter Thirteen: Food and Nutrition, Page 61,
Chapter Fourteen: Morals and Manners, Page 63,
Chapter Fifteen: Television and Video Games, Page 67,
Chapter Sixteen: When Should Your Child go to Bed, Page 71,
Chapter Seventeen: When Should You Teach Children Responsibility, Page 73,
Chapter Eighteen: When Should They Learn to Read and Write, Page 75,
Chapter Nineteen: Toys, Page 77,
Chapter Twenty: Chores, Page 79,
Chapter Twenty-One: Your Children's Friends, Page 81,
Chapter Twenty-Two: Your Child's Dreams and Ideas, Page 83,
Chapter Twenty-Three: Clothes and Shoes, Page 85,
Chapter Twenty-Four: Hygiene, Page 89,
Chapter Twenty-Five: Make Up, Perfume and Ear Rings, Page 91,
Chapter Twenty-Six: Love and Affection, Page 93,
Chapter Twenty-Seven: Your Child going to School, Page 95,
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Sex, Drugs and Crime, Page 99,
Where's My Med's?:, Page 105,
Chapter Twenty-Nine: You have Discovered that You are Really or are soon to be a Single Parent even though You are actually With the Children's Mother, Page 107,
CHAPTER 1
So You Want To Be A Real Father One Day. Where Do You Start?
You start by making sure that first you are really ready which means more than being ready in heart and mind although those are equally as important. You must be financially stable and that means more than just having a job. I'm going to tell you what I was never told as there was no one around who knew better to tell me and you may probably have experienced the same issue as your parents can not tell you what they themselves do not know and were not taught.
1. If you are unmarried and have no children now nor any on the way, do not rush nor put yourself in a position for it to happen. Even if you have someone you think you really love hold your horses. Instead, prepare. What do I mean? What is being prepared? Usually you are told to just get a good job but is that really enough? NO!! It's not! Even if you think back before the economic hard times of now, (an understatement), it wasn't. What if you have children, bought a home, car, and then lose your job. What now? The bills don't go away and mouths have to be fed. Even if you don't lose your job, with both you and your spouse working, where is the time to properly raise the children? Traditionally, jobs have had consideration for women regarding children ranging from good to poor but for men it is so non-existent as to be rated as negative consideration, which is absolutely awful if you are a single father. That means whether you are a man or a woman, you must give consideration to children long before they are here. Once they are here it is too late as children are not commodities. They are neither toys nor pets. They need large quantities of love and care to become well-rounded positive contributors to society and to carry on your family legacy in a positive way. If they don't get that you may have just birthed a burden to society mildly or horrendously speaking. You see, you have to be at work at a certain time and you get off at a certain time. Children don't conform to your schedule though. As babies they come with ever changing schedules. Those schedules change again when they are tots. Then again when they are school age all the way up to high school. Someone has to be there for them through all of that. The time must come from somewhere and if you don't have the time there are others you may not like that will. That could be their peers whom don't know squat themselves or someone from the street whom you really don't want fooling with them and contrary to the media and popular belief, the street is the street whether you're in an undesirable neighborhood or suburbia. Negative characters that want to misguide and use your children may come in different forms but they are everywhere no matter where you are and they are waiting. So before you do any pollinating, this must be thought out and planned for no one else is going to care and do it for you.
2. So what do you need past just employment? You need to look at a job as a means to an end instead of a solution. What do I mean by that? You may have gone to college and got a great job but eventually all jobs come to an end and that doesn't necessarily mean retirement. So what you need to do with your job is live off only what you need and find a means to invest the rest, in mutual funds for instance and establish a retirement plan. Also, purchase some life insurance, preferably term life. You will get it at a low price while you are young and will have it paid up when you are old. Don't blow it on that hopped up car you always wanted. That can come later. Don't go out and prematurely buy your dream home. That too can come later when the time is right, besides, a 30-40 year home loan is more like financial herpes rather than buying a home free and clear, but I digress. By the way, buy a home in your name only before you get married and put it in a land trust. Doing this may save you some pain later. You will have to decide what to invest in, as there is no silver bullet and what works for one may not necessarily work for someone else. But, that investment must be something that will give you a stable return. In other words, something that will provide you with money in the event you lose your job. Something that maybe will ultimately make it so you don't need a job as like I said, you don't want to be in a position where losing your job means you lose everything. I found that lesson out the hard way. You have to understand, family may be there to help or they may not. In fact, even if they can they are not obligated to and may not. Don't put yourself in that position. As a nation we are littered with families now in that position and as a whole, we are suffering for it but once again, I digress. So to recap, before you get hitched and combine genes, save up your money to create a nest egg that you don't touch unless its an emergency, keep clean credit, make financial goals and put a committed plan into action for not just financial stability but also independence and have it bear fruit before you do anything else. After you get hitched and children are on the way it's too late. The demands and new responsibilities are going to slam into you. I'm not saying it's insurmountable but you may find it like mission impossible as you are pulled in all kinds of different directions by all of your new responsibilities. And if that pretty little flower you pollinated is not in your corner and on the same wavelength as you, you could be facing mission impossible because if she is not working in harmony with you then she's working against you. Period. This leads me to number three.
3. Choose carefully the flower you want to pollinate. The most beautiful rose has painful thorns when you embrace it. So pick a flower that has no thorns or at the very least as few of them as possible. This topic could be a book unto itself given what I've learned about it the hard way but you must choose your woman whom will be the bearer of your offspring very carefully. I guarantee you she's choosing you as carefully as she can so you should be doing some careful choosing as well. I could write a book for the women too as they seem to have rather off qualifications for choosing a man just as we seem to have a lack of good qualifications for choosing good women. If it wasn't so, why is the status of relationships in America so screwed up? To that end, be sure and inquire with any potential mate when appropriate about any illnesses and or genetic diseases that may run in the family. If such is found you have to ask yourself do you want your potential offspring to have such?
4. If a good woman is what you want, the first question you better ask yourself is "If I was a baby yet to be born, is this whom I'd want to be my mother?" If the answer is no, whatever you do, get away from that woman. Let her go. The earth can shake, sparks may fly, the angels may sing and or stuff may taste like the sweetest candy chardonnay. Get over it because clouded judgment resulting from a few moments of pleasure can be the beginning of suffering for a very long time. Let her go if there are nagging doubts particularly if you find yourself constantly wondering, "If she's like this now what will she be like if I marry her?" If you get her pregnant it's over and you're stuck one way or another. You can't run. Remember, you're a good man so there's no escape once that happens, (at least not for a while), so avoid all such women. I'm not saying get an ugly woman. You must be attracted to her. I'm just saying that looks and ability to achieve materially can't be the main qualification. Who you choose must have demonstrated good moral character and be a good mother type. She must be in your comer and supportive of you and you in kind to her. I must add she should be able to be a good provider in the case something happens to you. She should be comfortably attractive and lastly but extremely important, the two of you must be able to be comfortable with each other and get along no matter how bad life is. She must be peaceful and enjoy being and having a peaceful home with you. Not silent nor a wallflower but peaceful. If any of these are missing you are going to have problems. By comfortable with each other I mean you must be able to be yourselves around each other in totality. You must be able to be honest with each other at all times without repercussions. You must be able to tell her things without worrying if she is going to use what you say against you later. And she should be able to expect the same from you too. You must be able to come home and have peace and not worry about what it's going to be this time when you walk through the door. If not, your union is a time bomb and your offspring will suffer as a result in the process. Remember, you have to be a good father so if things go south you can't just think about what is good for you and leave as that may run contrary to any children you may have had. Part of protecting your children is to make sure you don't put them in a position you will regret and one day must apologize to them for later. You can never make up such errors. There is no do over button. There are those of you whom may be reading this whom already knows exactly what I'm talking about and it really hurts when a child asks, "Dad, why did you choose momma, she's—you insert the various descriptive adjectives that may be used and appropriate."
Plan how you are going to raise your children before they are even conceived. This can be controversial. If you are a vegetarian you better get a vegetarian woman and vice versa for women to. If you are neat and you want your children to be neat choose someone whom is neat without getting a neat freak which can be almost as bad as getting a slob. If you want your children to be organized and prompt don't choose Ms. Slow I will get up when I feel like it. If you want your children to be smart quick thinkers that excel you better not get a space cadet no matter how good she looks and how far in space she can take you if you know what I mean. If you want your children breast fed, (this should not be an option. All children should be breast fed; preferably for 3 years no less than 1), you better make sure your potential mate feels the same way or you just got yourself a fight. Be sure your potential mate is on the same page with you about how the children will be raised, period, without waver. You have to understand, you will not be the only influence on any children you have with the woman you choose. So will she. A child is a genetic and spiritual combination of the parents. Even though a woman carries the child in her womb, half of that child is you and half is her. Period. She didn't have the child on her own. Even if a woman goes to a sperm bank and gets the sperm and impregnates herself, the child is still half her and half the genetic spiritual make up of whomever the sperm donor is present or not. Period. The contribution of fathers to the making of children is very underrated and berated so any women whom may read this you better keep this in mind too. Don't let a fool be the contributor to the other half of what makes up your child! Once the child is born, you do not know what characteristics the child will end up with. You don't know which will be dominant and which will be recessive. You could be Mr. Neat but Ms Junkie's junkie gene may dominate the child. You could be Mr. Early, but Ms Late's late gene dominates. You could be Mr. Clean but Ms Nasty's nasty gene dominates. You get my drift. The child could have a whole bunch of your good characteristics early on as a child but then, as they get older, the bad characteristics of the other suddenly takes over and shuts off the good ones the child got from you. Now what you have is a struggle because you just got a new job with your child. Find a way to turn off those bad characteristics and turn back on the good ones you know the child has. You may only be partially successful or fail completely but for the sake of the child you must try. Guess what, this is super stressful and can give you gray hairs and possibly other health problems. Parenting is hard enough as it is without making things harder by making mistakes that could have been avoided. You must understand me. No one is perfect and there is no perfect mate. But you better get as damn close as you possibly can within reason because if you choose badly, guess what you can expect from trying to raise the children with this person. Once again, in the name of fairness, for any one woman reading this reverse it upon yourself for the same information applies. A really good book needs to be devoted to the subject of male/female relations in a way that probably hasn't been done before. Be sure and choose a healthy mate and get your own health in order.
5. If you are a junk food junkie go to junk food junkies anonymous or something. If you are an alcoholic go to alcoholics anonymous. If you are on drugs go to.... You get my drift. Do not, I repeat, do not have children if you have such problems. Get help, get off the stuff and wait a minimum of 3 years in the case of all drugs, (that includes alcohol), to get it out of your system with the help of someone whom knows how to safely clean toxins out of the body. You don't want this crap going into the seed that will produce your offspring whether you are a man or woman. If you know you have bad habits do something about them now before ever considering having a child. If not, they will become apart of the unborn child. You must care and love yourself enough that you don't do this to the child and the supposedly other parent. Remember, the child is born innocent and you are in the wrong if you impose such things on the child for they have no choice in the matter and did not ask to be here. Please develop good healthy eating habits long before conception. I'm not telling you to be a vegetarian, (but it sure helps being at least close to that ideal), but you must seek to have a consistent good diet that includes as much healthy diversity as possible devoid of toxic foods. Eliminate white flour and refined sugar products from the diet for instance. Have a diet that includes a diversity of vegetables instead of a typical mono-diet. Stay away from foods that have preservatives and other chemicals that do your body no good. Try to eat organic and as naturally as possible. If you don't know how to cook learn now. It's not only important what you put into yourself but what you put in your child as well. I will give more on this later. So in closing on this section, prepare, choose well, care for and love yourself before you choose someone to love and care for and then produce others with them whom you absolutely unequivocally must love, care and provide for no matter if it is together with a spouse or alone without a spouse. By the way, you can be married and still alone without a spouse. That goes for both, men and women.
Excerpted from The Invisible Real Fathers Guide by Derek McNeil. Copyright © 2013 Derek McNeil. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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