Invisible Woman I to I: Invisibility to Invincibility A woman is not an object of study but a subject of realization. Invisible Woman is the heartbeat of Jay's Legacy, a Not For Profit Organization I have established in my late wife's honor. This book is about the Power of Woman. A woman, who is in possession of unique strengths and subtleties such as instinct, intuition, imagination, etc, should never be in a position to lose her sense of pride and value. Unfortunately, due to inner forces, including her capacity to place her loved ones before herself, as well as external societal forces and collective psychology, many times a woman is affronted with doubts regarding her purposefulness and contexuality in relation to her family. Based upon thousands of interactions with female patients, I have analyzed eight basic categories, based upon personality traits, which lend themselves to feelings of invisibility in women: The Merger - The Pleaser - The Defeated - The Doubter - The Masochist - The Martyr -The Exasperated - and The Lost. Each category contains pointed illustrations from patients who exemplified those behavioral characteristics. I take the reader through each of these categories and show how to recognize them, and more importantly, tackle the more pertinent question of what a woman should do if she suffers from the fear or feeling of being invisible. My intention is to help a woman to increase her sense of awareness and self realization, thus ultimately positioning herself as a vital force: a source of energy to mankind. This book also attempts to inspire men to recognize and appreciate the innate qualities of a woman, and in doing so, attain an emotional, intellectual and spiritual communion with a woman. Jagdish D. Kulkarni, M.D. Physician, Psychiatrist, Businessman, Singer and Husband

INVISIBLE WOMAN

I to I: Invisibility to InvincibilityBy Jagdish D. Kulkarni

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2010 Jagdish D. Kulkarni, M.D.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4520-0755-7

Contents

Introduction Spirit of Woman............................................................................................xiiiChapter 1 Dancing with Rhythm.........................................................................................1Chapter 2 Epiphany: Life is not a problem to be solved but a mystery to be lived......................................17Chapter 3 From Honeymoon to "Honey-Do"................................................................................31Chapter 4 Gray Matters................................................................................................57Chapter 5 Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Am I Visible at All?............................................................83Chapter 6 Even Though Earth Revolves around the Sun, She Does Not Forget to Rotate around Herself.....................111Chapter 7 The Merger: "Am I Enough by Myself?"........................................................................129Chapter 8 The Pleaser: "Can I Earn Love?".............................................................................141Chapter 9 The Defeated: "Will I Always Feel This Empty?"..............................................................153Chapter 10 The Doubter: "Am I Capable?"................................................................................163Chapter 11 The Masochist: "If I Suffer for You, Will You Love Me?".....................................................173Chapter 12 The Martyr: "Do I Have to Sacrifice Myself to Show My Love?"................................................183Chapter 13 The Exasperated: "How Can I Be Released from the Shackles of Resentment?"...................................193Chapter 14 The Lost: "Is There Any Hope for Me?".......................................................................205Chapter 15 Becoming Soul Mates Instead of Cell Mates...................................................................213Chapter 16 The Journey.................................................................................................227

Chapter One

DANCING WITH RHYTHM:

It was not only Jayashree's exquisite outer beauty but her inner beauty that aroused me to play a man.

It was July 1970 when I saw Jayashree for the first time. It was the beginning of monsoon season in Bombay, and the showers had just stopped for the day. Clouds hung lazily in the late-day sky, and the sun peeked through at regular intervals, casting a luminous glow on the sparkling ground. A vivid rainbow appeared after the storm, hinting at the good fortune that awaited me. The first few showers of the season always seemed to awaken the fragrance of the earth, but there was something particularly enchanting about this day.

As my friend and I made our regular path though the park, we passed two young women. I was only twenty then and not exactly unaccustomed to looking at pretty girls. But one of the girls caught me by surprise. I knew from a single glance that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. With each step toward us, the profundity of her beauty became more apparent, and I tried to conceal my nervous excitement. She carried herself with such a natural and appealing self-confidence, and her height and delicate features gave her a presence of elegance that set her apart from her peers. I cast a casual glance at her and quickly averted my eyes, just to turn around and watch her walk away. I was filled with a feeling of awe and total happiness. She looked totally engrossed in talking to her friend and oblivious to my signs of outward appreciation. I still remember the way her eyes danced with calm excitement as she chatted with her companion.

In 1970, in India, the cultural environment was quite conservative. Most marriages were arranged, so there was no dating system. When it came to girls, most of the boys were big talkers and infrequent "doers." Admittedly, I belonged in this category. My friends and I would appreciate girls from a distance but rarely summoned the courage to approach one and ask for a date. I don't know what came over me that day in the park, but something about her breathtaking beauty and presence ignited an energy deep within me. I developed a plan to intercept her during her second lap around the park. My stomach turned excitedly for half an hour, when I finally saw her round the corner toward me. Quietly clearing my throat and attempting to straighten myself as I walked, I prepared for the encounter. Even though my mind was resolved and strong, my body was not cooperating. Feeling as though my legs would collapse under me at any moment, I stepped in front of her and asked, "What's your name?" Both girls immediately started laughing aloud. Imagine that! I didn't know what to think. This was hardly the reaction I had visualized as I waited for her to round the corner. Still, there was a definite feeling of exhilaration from standing so close to her and knowing that she had heard me speak. With unchecked excitement, I wondered if I had imagined the flicker of amusement behind her eyes at my transparent attempts to get her attention. My mind was spinning-was it possible that she could even like me? The prospect of communicating further with her, even if it was again one-sided, overcame my feeling of embarrassment created by her laughter. I was not going to give up! I intended to catch her again on the next round, but when she didn't appear after thirty minutes, I deduced that she had gone home for the night.

The rest of the evening and the next day were consumed with thoughts of this mystery woman, and my friend who had accompanied me to the park listened patiently to my impassioned account of the events he had witnessed. I couldn't focus on anything but this woman, and her beautiful, open smile was constantly in my mind. I made plans to coordinate another "chance" encounter. At six o'clock the following evening, my friend and I began the same path around the park. Lo and behold, in the distance we heard the familiar giggles even before the girls became visible to us. The woman who had consumed my thoughts for the past twenty-four hours was looking even more radiant that day. The late evening's wild sun cast a golden glow on her face, and her eyes sparkled even more intensely than I remembered. The first time I passed her, I was not nearly composed enough to attempt conversation in light of what had happened the previous day. It was hard for me to imagine that the connection I experienced could have been felt by only me, and at the very least I thought she would look at me and smile. But she seemed to be completely unaware of my presence. I felt a pit in my stomach. What if I truly had imagined the flicker in her eyes? What if she had a boyfriend? A million doubts flooded my mind-why had none of this occurred to me until now? Though my first instinct was to protect my damaged ego, something compelled me to cast aside my concerns and take a risk.

The next time we passed, I walked up to her and asked the very same question: "Hi, what's your name?" To my dismay, I received the same response as the day before, as both girls erupted in laughter and walked past me without a word. I was genuinely humiliated. My pride had been damaged, and I was not going to let it go. Twice now I had been dismissed, and I was determined to redeem myself. Somehow, in my embarrassment I secretly became even more attracted to her. The way she laughed so fondly, perhaps due to my blatant admiration of her, was truly quite seductive. Even so, I had endured all that I could take that day and went home to resume the process of thinking about her incessantly until the following evening.

Now quite familiar with her routine, the next day I was able to catch up with my dream girl again at almost the same spot. I was so mesmerized by her presence and humbled by her reaction to my bungled attempt at conversation that in twenty-four hours, I had not been able to devise a more creative way of approaching her. Before I could stop myself, I asked again, "Hi, what's your name?" Even as I said the words, I had to assume that she was unimpressed by my lack of creativity. But she must have seen something in me, even during these early interactions. This time, her response made my heart beat uncontrollably. With partial eye contact, she quietly said, "Jayashree." I felt an electric shock move through me, and I knew that my life would never be the same. And that was the beginning of our journey of almost thirty-nine years. During those years, I often thanked God for giving me the strength to pursue her.

From that day on, Jayashree and I were nearly inseparable. Regardless of the weather or the demands of our courses, we made time to spend an hour or two together every day. Our conversations were not of particular earthly importance, but we never seemed to run out of things to say. Spending time with Jayashree allowed me to better understand myself. The amount of money we had and the status we held had no bearing on our happiness. Being together was all that mattered to us, and we soon realized that the only way we could exist in this world was by being together. We felt so secure in each other's company and consistently experienced levels of happiness we had never known before we met.

Jayashree and I were quick to admit that we had fallen in love, but at no point did it feel anything like "falling." We were always there for each other, providing a hand or encouraging word when we felt like the other one was slipping. Most of these early days were spent on the soft, silvery beach, sitting hand in hand and talking endlessly as the waves of the ocean gently lapped at our toes. The vastness of the body of water before us provided a humbling, yet reassuring, background for our easy conversations. As the sun set, our eyes would turn to the sky, which filled each night with twinkling stars and a moon that seemed to glow just for us. We were able to be vulnerable with each other, and countless times we shared our hopes, dreams, and wishes for a future together while staring up at this impressive celestial display. Our dreams were driven by our youthful hope and energy, and our persistence was sustained by our love for each other. Occasionally, self doubt would still find a way to creep into my mind. I wondered, "Am I going to be man enough for this incredible woman?" "Am I going to be able to support her, fulfill all her wishes, protect her, and keep her happy always?" At the time, I was a young student devoid of resources, and I worried that I would not be able to provide the future Jayashree deserved.

Jayashree never seemed to have these doubts. I distinctly remember one particular evening when we were sitting on a beautiful beach in Bombay. Across from us stood a gorgeous intercontinental hotel. It was just before dinnertime, and a parade of expensive cars were stopping in front of the hotel to be ushered away by the valet service. A procession of men and women donning exquisite clothing and jewelry were being escorted into the building. A wave of sadness came over me as I realized that I did not have the ability to take Jayashree, my love, to the hotel. Typically a confident man, I suddenly felt completely inadequate. Jayashree must have caught a glimpse of the sullenness in my eyes and understood immediately what was going through my mind. She said to me, "Jagdish, I believe in you. You will be successful, and God willing, one day we will own that hotel." That attitude was defining of Jayashree. She always believed in me, and this inspired me to consistently strive to make her proud. She was eternally optimistic and never second-guessed herself. And she was unwaveringly confident in me-more than I was in myself.

Shortly before we were married, I had to take an exam in order to be allowed to practice medicine in America. The closest site administering the test was in Singapore, and as I was still a "poor student," my father funded the trip. Excited as we were to begin this exciting new life together, Jayashree and I were tormented by the idea of spending one week apart. While in Singapore, I used the spending money provided by my father-about forty dollars-to purchase gifts for my family and a sari for Jayashree. When I returned, Jayashree greeted me as though I had been gone a year and did not conceal her excitement over the gift I handed to her. After expressing her gratitude, she inquired as to what I had bought for myself. When I told her nothing, she was visibly upset. "Well, then I don't want anything either" was her response. She refused to accept the sari and ultimately gave it to my mother instead. Jayashree had such a generosity of spirit that she could not enjoy the gift unless I experienced it with her. It was the same with our family-she was always more content with giving than receiving.

Since most marriages in India were still arranged by parents, our budding relationship caused some dissention in our families. My mother and father had been approached by the families of several young women, interested in arranging a match. But in 1973, after almost three years of exclusive dating, Jayashree and I were married. It was difficult for both of us to fully cherish our marriage and the excitement of beginning our new life without the unconditional blessings of our parents. But we both knew that living separate lives was not an option for us. Ultimately, our relationship only grew from the adversities we faced.

By the time we married, I had graduated as a physician from Bombay University. Our determination and hard work had finally come to fruition. The internship, however, paid only a meager salary, not even enough to support our basic needs. There were times when we used to walk two miles to go to the market just to save ten cents on a bus ticket. But I never once heard a complaint or indication of exhaustion from Jayashree. This may sound like a posthumous glorification, but I can honestly say that there was not one time in thirty-nine years that I ever heard Jayashree complaining or whining. She always tried to make the best out of any situation.

One year after we were married, when I was twenty-four, Jayashree and I immigrated to the United States. I was privileged to receive most of my training in psychiatry at a hospital affiliated with Yale University in Connecticut. The first five to six years of our lives in the United States were very eventful for both of us. We were both very young and inexperienced, and the dramatic cultural shift posed significant challenges. We made several mistakes out of confusion and lack of guidance. But it was our unconditional love and support for each other that gave us strength to cope with the challenges of adjusting to life in the United States. Often, I would become so exhausted by the process that I would talk to Jayashree about the possibility of returning to India. But as usual, Jayashree's faith, resolve, and optimism gave me courage to persist in the face of adversity.

Our first baby boy was born in 1977. As it is for most parents, this was a highly transformational moment in our lives. I had never seen Jayashree so happy. The intensity of her joy and pride constantly radiated through her eyes. Soon after our son was born, I needed to return my focus to my career. Jayashree continued to maintain the household singlehandedly. I remember being on night calls and away from home three nights in a row. It was Jayashree's fearless and confident approach to life that helped her to grow through the challenges of motherhood without much external help. As a resident, I needed to be constantly available, but I now wish that I had somehow spent more time with her while she was a young mother. I always longed for the opportunity to provide her with physical and emotional support during this time of great transition in her life.

Common sense and a balanced mind were two of Jayashree's strongest assets as she cared for our newborn son. In those days, we did not have the Internet to consult on how to go about raising a baby. Incredibly, as she was navigating the world of motherhood for the first time, she was still able to provide support to me. So often, I was confronted with day-to-day struggles of adjusting to culture or faced challenges related to my work. An evening discussion with Jayashree after putting the baby to bed used to provide the comfort and inspiration I needed to maintain the energy to persevere. By 1980, I had completed my residency and obtained board certification. This was the year that Jayashree gave birth to our second son. This time, we were more experienced and more resourceful in our parenting, and we had also developed a network of friends who were like family to us. By then, we had made the decision to settle down in the United States, and there would be no discussion of returning to India. Jayashree very much wanted to pursue further studies here but decided to wait until the boys were old enough to attend school. She always maintained my medical practice as her priority. Her constant encouragement and wisdom never ceased to amaze me and directed me toward the fulfillment of our dreams.

As our children grew older and our financial health started improving, Jayashree and I were able to find moments only for ourselves. From time to time, we would call a babysitter so that we could go on a date. Though she always took my breath away, on these special nights I remember Jayashree looking not only pretty, but staggeringly beautiful. "Pretty" was the way that she physically appeared to the world, but "beautiful" was a reflection of something that resided within her. She also communicated a certain charm and spiritedness in the way she carried herself. Jayashree was the kind of woman who would stand out in a room. Beautiful and compelling, people were unequivocally drawn to her. Jayashree would flow through the crowd with such swiftness and agility that it was impossible for me to take my eyes off of her. I loved to watch her at a party-the way she effortlessly carried a conversation and still included others in her circle. She would often catch me staring and smile back sweetly and without surprise, as if she had felt my eyes upon her the whole time. I was so proud to be the man that she looked for in a crowd, to know her as no one else did. I remember the pride and joy I used to feel knowing that she was mine. As a man, I sometimes could not avoid the transitory resentment I felt as I caught my friends casting admiring glances at her. Even in my annoyance, I could not fault them. Jayashree was so beautiful that others were mesmerized by her beauty and poise. And who was I to judge? After all, it had happened to me!

(Continues...)

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