CHAPTER 1
From Fear to Faith
Not long ago, I stood exactly where you may be now. I was living a life of suffering and loneliness. I had done all the right things, read all the right books, gone to all the right workshops, and watched all the right movies, but I was still miserable. It felt as if I waited for my authentic life to start, like I lamented on the sidelines with no idea how to get into the game.
I was always busy, weighed down by the daily tasks of being a mom, a wife, and a businesswoman, yet I never seemed any closer to fulfilling any of my true desires. I was plagued by feeling like a failure and feeling inadequate and stupid. No matter how good I was at something, I beat myself up for not being better. I suffered from a crippling case of perfectionism.
My fears overwhelmed me every day: fear of success, fear of being abandoned, fear of being laughed at, fear of not living up to others' expectations, fear of losing the man I loved, fear of being left alone, fear of being humiliated. Let's face it, I was afraid of being alive!
How had I gotten to such a place? How had I become a woman frightened of everything? Where was that radiant, confident woman I knew I was supposed to grow up to be? I had gotten seriously off course! I had to find my way back to the real me.
Like most women, I knew I was meant for bigger things. I had always searched for that higher calling, and I knew other women searched for it, also. I wanted to let go of my ego and find myself again. I wanted to get out of my own way and be that person who lived in fun, joy, abundance, light, and love.
I've been holding my emotions within myself since I was five years old. I remember a time when I knew it was not okay to show my emotions. My parents had hired a babysitter for me so they could go out on a date. I was ticked off they would leave me with someone I barely knew and were going out without me. I went into my bedroom and threw a royal tempertantrum, hurling my stuffed animals all over my room. When my dad came in to say goodbye, he asked me what I was doing.
I lied to him about my feelings of sadness and anger. "Oh, I'm just playing a game."
When I was a senior in high school, I remember making a conscious decision not to dream anymore because many times in the past I had dreams, and they had never come true. Why continue to dream when I would always be disappointed?
Since that time years ago, I was already stifling my emotions and not dreaming; I was miles away from the person I wanted to be. I had to break through all that and learn to be myself. I had to do it not just for myself, but for women everywhere who have lost their way and have given to everyone and everything except themselves.
This book relates my quest into my authenticity, my fun, my power, my love, and my bliss. I invite you to go along on this odyssey with me.
Spirit is connected to everything.
Spirit being connected to everything was a new way of thinking for me. That said, I believe "we are spiritual beings having a human experience," which I didn't entirely understand until March 2008. That phrase was on a bumper sticker on my son's girlfriend's car.
Like most Judeo-Christians I had grown up with, and for most my adult life, I believed God was an entity people prayed to, and if they were good enough, did good works, and behaved correctly, God would answer their prayers.
In reality, the subconscious is an emotionless database of stored programs, whose function is strictly concerned with reading environmental signals and engaging in hardwired behavioral programs, no questions asked, no judgments made. The subconscious mind is a programmable 'hard drive' into which our life experiences are downloaded.
~Bruce Lipton, The Biology of Belief
God was outside me, my judge and jury. Now I believe God is everything. We live out our lives as human avatars to encounter that which spirit cannot. As in the movie City of Angels, as spiritual beings, we do not feel emotions, such as love, happiness, anger, or sadness. As humans, we feel emotions, and we cannot appreciate one emotion without feeling its opposite, yin and yang.
There is one universal subconscious mind, and it is not personal.
Letting go is difficult. I should know. I've been attempting it for months. Letting go takes a shitload of courage that, oftentimes, I feel I do not possess. Somehow, I have always known the answers are inside me. I have determined all I need to do is give myself permission! I know this may sound suspiciously like psycho-babble and perhaps a bit too easy. It's okay to let go of the old patterns and messages that have guided you your entire life.
Take the leap! If you're anything like me, and I speculate you are, change things up! I couldn't continue any longer on the same approach. I couldn't take it anymore. I had to let go in order to take the next step and make for myself the life I had always imagined. It took practice.
I make it happen.
My mantra is Practice Makes Permanent. Making a change will feel strange for a while. Little by little, it will get easier. I will warn you, when you come to a fork in the road with a big lesson to be learned, it will feel really crappy. I've noticed lately when I'm working through a monster lesson, it rears its ugly head again, and again, and again. This would be the time to recall the movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. Heck, I've had the same lesson crash my party unannounced three times within forty-eight hours! And then, I get it. I need to learn this lesson now. I constantly remind myself there's no going back to my old way of doing things.
I never know when I will get it and will have finally learned any given lesson, thus seeming to make life a bit smoother. I am sure, to some degree, it may appear to be making life smoother. It's really that I aspire to travel through these lessons with grace and detachment and be grateful for the teaching. The burden of the lessons then feels less onerous.
Through studying under Master Zhi Gang Sha, it has become apparent to me as a spiritual being, who has been awakened to this adventure, I will struggle with enormous lessons with more difficulty and with greater frequency. However, I know the time will come when the ebb and flow of life's challenges will become more manageable. I am confident I will, at some point, reach that stage in my life. It may not happen in a year from now, but what if it happens at 3:00 this afternoon? Wouldn't that be amazing!
Dr. Wayne Dyer, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRRKonIeAjA
By reading and listening to books by Dr. Wayne Dyer, I have learned, life's about changing how I see myself so all my dreams will become reality. This is in direct opposition to what my ego wants.
The closer I get to who I am, the more my ego shows itself. Pretend my thoughts and dreams are the software and whatever I want to program my life to be will become reality. First, I have to truly believe it with every fiber of my being. I do a silent meditation, which helps me to create my new reality. I will explain at the end of this chapter.
I wrote this book hoping to give you the guts to take the journey from fear to freedom. Is it worth it? Ummmm, let me think about that for a second. Yes, it's worth it!
Every life happening is a gift. It may show up wrapped in porcupine paper with thorn-covered ribbon. Every gift is a treasure. It is important to concentrate on the gift and not on the wrapping.
Don't wait until circumstances are perfect to begin living your life. They never will be. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in March 2011. I became his primary caretaker and nursed him until he passed away on January 2, 2012. A year of doubt, pain, grief, and sorrow followed. I felt like I would never see the beauty in a sunset or feel a smile spread across my face again.
When someone close to you dies, it is natural to think about your own life. In my marriage, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the disaster that had to be just around the corner. I always thought another woman would take him from me. It never dawned on me it would be cancer.
My marriage was far from ideal. Hell, I couldn't even spell ideal at the time. Rick, my husband, had many great qualities, and I loved him dearly, but he was never faithful to me. He was never the husband I wanted him to be. And, he never made amends for his infidelities over the years. After spending sixteen years together, I felt helpless.
And yet, through the depths of my misery, I heard a quiet voice in my head, a voice I had not heard since I was a child. It told me I was about to change, that in the midst of all of the suffering, I could find the opportunity not just to survive but to thrive! For the first time in years, I decided to listen to that voice in my head.
Then, one morning soon after his passing, I awoke to a profound thought. It was awful. I could not deny it was true. Rick had made the ultimate sacrifice so I could discover the person I was meant to be. I know this sounds strange and perhaps harsh. However, I wouldn't share it with you if I didn't believe it from the bottom of my heart to be correct.
The world is full of miracles. Sometimes in order to see them, we need to look at the world differently. With my husband gone, I had no choice but to face my life, my genuine self. If Rick had not passed away, I would never have left him. I would never have embarked upon this venture. I would never have taken the spiritual route I have traversed these past years. I would never have learned such essential lessons, and you would not be reading this book.
The last two years have been an arduous, challenging time of self-exploration for me. I have spent a year and then some re-learning who I am, what I like, how I want to live, and what I want to be known for. I am finally becoming the person I was meant to be so I can do the work I was destined to perform! Thank you, Rick. I love you dearly. I miss you.
Courage Comes From Pain ~ Written inside a fortune cookie I got in November of 2012 while having lunch in Colorado with my close girlfriend, Kristina
I was ready to take the leap of faith. I had no choice. So, I jumped. Was I afraid? Are you kidding me? I was terrified! There are no words in Webster's Dictionary to describe the level of panic I was in. Dante himself could have constructed another circle in Hell just for me. The Universe had set me up perfectly for success. Without an escape hatch, without an armload of excuses, without a way to wiggle my way out of an uncomfortable situation, I was forced to take that surge and grow. I had a responsibility to become my best self, a responsibility we all share.
I needed to be bold for only twenty seconds. I needed to corral the bravery to start. The Law of Attraction says: That which is like unto itself is drawn. Whatever one gives their attention actualizes the experience. Therefore, there is nothing you cannot be, do, or have. This is the Law of Attraction. I believe this, and it has become my guiding force in my life.
My inspiration comes from a song by Jana Stanfield, Bring It On. The lines from the song say, I'm through grieving, I'm through dreaming that the life I had is ever coming back. No more wishin' on someone else's star that'll never be mine. I think it's time, so bring it on. Nothing happens in life unless we first dream. Give this song a listen while you read the rest of this chapter. It will knock your spiffy striped socks right off.
S.O.A.R. Simply Open And Receive
After Rick's passing, it occurred to me, if I did not galvanize myself into action and start putting myself first, I could leave this life with my song unsung. I could die without having fulfilled my purpose and my passion. With my fingers bleeding as I clung to my past, I gasped ... and then I finally let go.
Dr. Wayne Dyer, How God tells you it's time for a change http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J3bM8I7GzYM
I decided to redesign my life. I did just that and identified my official, bonafide self when writing this book. And, you know what? It was much more incredible than I ever thought it would be!
It is in the midst of transformation, the test is the most unpleasant.
Every obstacle I thought stood in my way was actually a teacher, a guide, helping me build the life I wanted. I finally figured out all that anxiety and doubt was an illusion. Every second of every day, the Universe conspired with me to achieve success. All I needed to do was dismiss the doubting parts of myself that prevented me from seeing my genuine self. I had to get out of my own way and reject all those old messages that resided in my head that had been established by society, my family, and no longer served me and hadn't for quite some time.
I wanted to shout from the rooftops the only thing standing in the way of the life I truly desired was me. I needed to let go of the trepidation and step into freedom.
Most things in life don't turn out as we expect them to. Sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff. And, I'm convinced it's all good stuff.
We all deserve everything we've ever wanted!
Please join me on a voyage of exploration in which I will walk you through the exact steps I took to give birth to the life I have always wanted. These steps are not theory or my version of armchair coaching. They are steps I actually took, steps that worked and continue to free me. They put me on the passage to living a life of bliss, abundance, love, and freedom I never thought possible. If these steps worked for me, they can work for you, too.
Someone once told me I was like a modern-day Joan of Arc. And, of course, I took that as a nice compliment. Honestly, I didn't know much about Joan of Arc, other than she had a passion for her purpose. She knew, no matter what she needed to fulfill her mission, she would gather people together to help her fulfill that mission.
I felt the Dalai Lama's statement, the world will be saved by the western women, was a call to action for me personally. That's why I am on this path right now, to share my story, teach others about what I have worked through and will continue to work through, and impart nuggets of wisdom about how my life is unfolding into the glorious life I was meant to live.
Decide who you want to be and embrace the real you.
Yes, it's work, and it is so worth it! I can't ever go back to the way things were before.
I put one foot in front of the other, and at times, the second foot is only inches behind the first. I do stumble and fall flat on my face. I pick myself up and do it all over again. I am a determined spitfire!
No matter what, I show up. I may not always have it all together, dressed to the nines with perfect hair and make-up, but I will always show up! I know you can, too.
I will be by your side and hold you up, so feel free to lean on me. I will always be in your corner cheering you on. You are me. I am you. We are one. My strength is your strength, and we are much stronger when we stand together. You can do it! I know I can, because I no longer have a choice. Are you ready to jump into freedom?
Letting Go = Freedom
Your soul wants you to know who you are. Peel away everything that isn't truly you to let your essence shine. Different elements comprise your identity, like the rainbow emanates from a crystal shining in the sun. Yet beneath it all is your spiritual core. Find your core, live life from your center. Don't try to expand your personal effectiveness and intent without first exploring and understanding the wisdom of your soul.
In my essence I am joy!
Following each chapter, I have provided you with exercises to help you begin your course to re-discovery. From my own efforts with letting go and lightening up, I know, if I give you a lengthy worksheet with lots of exercises on it, you won't do them. It's not you don't have the time. It's because, like me, the idea of letting go to really live scares the pants off you.
Kelly Clarkson singing Stronger http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn676-fLq7I
We'll take it nice and easy, keep it simple. You will need materials for these assignments, and we'll go over what they are in the instructions for each exercise. Let's get started!
