Jumping Out of Satan's Lie Pot and Landing in God's truth

iUniverse, Inc.

Contents

1. The Most Needed Message....................................................xiii2. Introduction...............................................................xv3. Chapter One - In the Beginning.............................................14. Chapter Two - The Art of Satan—His Deceitfulness.....................95. Chapter Three - Different Situations Same Depression.......................796. Chapter Four - Bringing It All Together....................................937. Chapter Five - Happily Ever After..........................................1338. Chapter Six - The Ending Wrap-up...........................................1399. Poem - "Never Forsaken"....................................................14110. The Beginning, Not the End: A Loving Tribute..............................143

Chapter One

Once upon a time, many years ago, I married my strong, handsome knight in shining armor. Those beautiful blue eyes did the trick for me. This was a wonderful time in our life. I remember how excited I was in our first apartment, shopping for all the little knick-knacks that make it look adorable; I loved to decorate. I enjoyed cooking for my knight, loving him, doing all the things that make a house a home.

Right away we found out we were starting our family. This was something we hadn't planned on happening so soon after marriage, but our first big surprise was that we were expecting a baby! I wasn't excited about adding to our new family. Over the next few weeks I kept thinking, "Maybe you're not really having a baby, maybe Mother Nature is just messed up a little. "Well, she hadn't messed up; the doctor confirmed my suspicion. So, we were going to have a baby, but I still wasn't overjoyed with the prospect.

And then, that mommy's love syndrome kicked in. I started falling so in love with this little person growing inside me. Each day my love for our baby grew. I was so excited! I started buying clothes for when I would outgrow my regular ones, and in my mind I would think of things to get for our baby, and I wondered what the baby would look like. Would it have those beautiful blue eyes of my handsome knight? Would it be a boy or girl? My excitement and happiness grew by leaps and bounds. The disappointment I felt when I learned of the baby was long, long gone.

And then, about two and one half months into my pregnancy, I began feeling not very well. I didn't know what was wrong, but I remember missing a week of work because of it. By Saturday evening I felt quite sick, and I got out of bed, and as I stood up, water and blood gushed out of my body. This scared me to death. I lay back down on the bed and called Ernie, my husband, to our bedroom. He said, "Get up; we need to go to the hospital." I told him I couldn't get up. He thought I couldn't walk, but I just meant I was afraid I would gush again. Anyway, he picked me up and carried me through the deep snow to our car. We had just received one of those cold, wintry, deep snows that the month of February is known for.

The doctor at the hospital examined me. I don't know what they did, but it felt as if they were pulling my insides out. I didn't know I could ask them what they were doing. I was so young and inexperienced. To make matters worse, all of this was happening on my birthday.

Anyway, the doctor and nurses sent me back home after they finished doing their thing. Around 3 o'clock Sunday morning, Ernie woke me to take some medicine the doctor at the hospital had given me, and when I stood, I passed some tissue.

I remember my parents and some of our family came over to our apartment the Sunday this happened. At that time we hadn't talked to our doctor about the matter I had passed in the bedroom earlier that morning, but we were pretty sure it was our baby. Ernie was able to get our doctor on the phone, and he said, "Yes, that was your baby. "When Ernie told me what the doctor said, my world came crashing down. My precious little one was gone. No bundle of joy would be placed in my arms in a few months. No, my arms would be empty. No baby to rock and hold close, no fingers and toes to count, no wondering, "Does he look like mommy or daddy? Does he have those beautiful blue eyes like my knight? "There would be no name to tell or "Is it a girl or boy?" to answer. There was no chance to hold my baby and at least say "Goodbye." I was aching through and through.

As my heart was breaking, Ernie tried his best to comfort me. He gently promised, "We can have another baby" (men always try to fix things!). I told him, "I don't want another baby. I want my baby." Bless his heart, he was trying his best. And what saddened me more, I heard my sister-in-law from the other room ask, "Why is she crying?" I don't know if she thought since I didn't have a baby to be seen, there never was a baby. I believe life in my baby began the moment he was conceived, and my baby died somewhere along the way, maybe the beginning of the week when I started becoming so sick.

Through my many years of depression, is this where the first seed was dropped? I know the death of our baby germinated and grew over the years and was watered with guilt and sadness. Questions began; "Did I do something to injure my baby?" I always wondered, "Was it a girl or boy?" Those two questions haunted me over the years; I never dealt with them. I just ignored them, allowing them to grow and fester into weeds in the fertile ground of my mind. I watered them with much sadness, guilt, and tears. How do you get rid of this sadness and guilt? This I didn't know.

Well, Ernie was right; we could have another baby. Just a couple months passed and my doctor announced, "You're expecting a baby." I wasn't as upset this time hearing the news. I still wished it hadn't happened so soon, but I was O.K. with it.

It was about this time that my husband was drafted by Uncle Sam into the United States Army. We decided he would go for six months and then join the National Guard for five and a half years. We decided I would go live with my parents for those six months. I really appreciated them allowing me to do that. But, I missed Ernie terribly. I remember to this day, all these years later, hearing that big old Greyhound bus come around the long, winding curve just up the road from my parents' house, and came to a screeching stop, and he got on. The sad feelings can still be brought to mind when my thoughts go back to that day; I felt as if my world was ending. My love, my knight in shining armor, was leaving. I missed him terribly in the weeks that followed. I think being pregnant while being away from him made it worse for me

While I was staying with my parents, the most wonderful thing happened to me. You may say, "How can that be? Your knight was gone. I thought he was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you?" I was attending the revival at the church where my mom was a member, the church I attended growing up, the one where Ernie and I were married, and I got saved. I couldn't wait to tell Ernie my good news, hoping he too, would accept the Lord. But he didn't.

A month or so before the birth of our baby, I moved back to Ohio to live with my sister and her husband, and a couple of weeks before the birth of our baby, I ended up in the hospital for a few days. My body was becoming toxic. I didn't let Ernie know I was in the hospital because I didn't want to worry him, but he did get to come home from the army for the birth of our baby. He wouldn't get out of the army for another month or so.

Finally, it was time for the birth of our baby. We had a baby girl, and we named her Deborah Lynne; we called her Debi. I was as happy and excited about her birth as I was sad over the loss of our first baby. She was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Her skin was so soft and such a pretty color. She looked as if she had been to the tanning booth getting all ready for her big splash into the world! She felt so good in my arms. This was the way it was supposed to be, I thought.

As I opened her blanket, I counted each toe and finger. I checked out every inch of her. It was kind of like the way you check out each feature on a new car to see if you want it, except I knew I was keeping this baby. She wasn't going back! She was a keeper. I started falling for her even before I felt her first flutter inside my womb or before I laid eyes on her.

Ernie was discharged from the army and we took our bundle of joy home and began the next stage of our life. It was such fun bathing, dressing, and putting nice fragrant lotion all over our daughter. She had received so many outfits, and I would play dress up at least twice a day. It was fun feeding and rocking our baby. Just taking care of her was fun and rewarding.

We took Debi to church when she was two weeks old. Ernie would go even though he wasn't saved. When Debi was three months old, we were having a revival at our church, and Ernie was convicted. My sister and her husband went to the same church; they were the ones that convinced us to attend. Before church one night, Ernie had our brother-in-law come over to talk to him, and he got saved. This was a very wonderful time for us.

So, as we began this new phase of our life as new Christian parents, it was such fun, and very rewarding as we nurtured our baby, taught her and watched her grow. She was such a delight to us. It was fun watching her explore her world, ask questions, and be creative. She loved to learn.

As our little girl grew so big and no longer fit into my arms, those arms began to ache again. You ladies know the emptiness. It can only be pacified and filled with that little tiny bundle of joy. Sometimes you can be content to hold someone else's baby, and then there are times you just need your very own, one you can just hold anytime you wish. Sometimes, I have to admit, when our baby is having a crying night, just having a real melt down that seems to last forever, we may think, "Oh, why did I wish for this?" But, as soon as we look at that beautiful baby, see that smiling face, hear that cooing sound, or see them in their peaceful sleep, we know why we wished for this, and all is right with the world.

So, I began asking Ernie if we could have another baby, and for whatever reason he would say, "Not now." I think he thought he only wanted one child. But, I would ask again and finally he said, "Yes." And, he has always been thankful that he did.

So, four and one half years after the birth of our first little girl, another beautiful baby girl joined our family. We named her Melissa (after my mom) Marie (after Ernie's mom); we called her Missy. Her skin, too, was soft and beautiful; not tan like her sister's, but just as soft. She, too, got the toe and finger count and every part of the body checked out. And, she too was a keeper; not one little area needed redone! Not even her cute little pug nose which she inherited from her Grandpa Warren.

Then, it was time to take Missy home from the hospital. We lived on the second floor of this huge apartment complex, with lots of kids. So, they were all lined up at the front door to see Debi's new baby. Well, I noticed the kids gave Debi something as they entered the apartment. She charged them admission to see her new baby sister! They gave her a toy or whatever they had; as of today, she has become one of the top salespersons in her company! I guess on the job training really pays off. This little girl had the sales bit down, right from the beginning.

It was fun bathing Missy and dressing her, but I didn't change her clothes two times a day as I did Debi. I had more things to do and couldn't fool around as much with those extras. Today Missy loves clothes and Debi likes clothes. Maybe I wore Debi out when she was a baby.

Missy, too, started church when she was two weeks old. It was fun watching her explore her world except for the days when she dumped five pounds of sugar on the floor or emptied every drawer of the dresser. Many times Ernie came home from work to find me so agitated, saying, "Ernie, this kid's got to go!" But, we kept her; some things you just can't get rid of! It is such a blessing to say our girls began attending church when they were two weeks old and have continued this practice.

Maybe you're asking, "Why are you sharing all these things? I thought this was supposed to be a book about depression. I don't see anything wrong with your life that would cause depression, outside of maybe when you lost your first baby."

You're right; I did have a wonderful life. My husband and I were very much in love; we had two of the sweetest little girls ever; (since he was my knight and he treated me as his queen, I guess they were our princesses!), we had both gotten saved, we had a wonderful, caring extended family, pastor and church family, Ernie had a good job, we had a new house, cars. What more could you want?

After we had been married about ten years, I began feeling very tired, sad, and empty. And I emphasize the words very tired, sad, and empty. This continued for about two years, and I started having chest pains. I was tired all the time and really worn out. I kept trying to take care of our girls, my husband and things around the house, but I didn't do it as well as I would have liked. Everything was such a chore. Just getting out of bed was a big effort. Life with a husband and two young girls was moving on, and I didn't feel like going with it.

We decided I should make a visit to our family doctor. With the tiredness and heart palpitations, I was sure I was having heart problems. He diagnosed my chest pains and tiredness as depression. I thought he was crazy! I'm not sure I had even heard of depression. If I had, I didn't know anything about it. Little did I know I was about to begin the hell on earth ride of my life, a ride that would take me through thirty-five years of pure torment. I felt like I was wrestling with Satan himself in hell on earth. At the time I didn't understand that's exactly what I was doing. I wouldn't learn that truth until thirty-five horrible years later. My depression wasn't thirty-five long, miserable years without a break. Sometimes I would be free, even a few years at a time. But, for a big part of the time, it was years of being on a roller coaster ride but without all the fun of the roller coaster, just up and down times of pure misery.

Have you heard the age old story of the frog? Well, I liken my depression story with him. The story goes, if you put the frog in a pot of boiling water he will jump out, but if you start him out in a pot of cool water, and slowly turn up the heat, pretty soon you'll have yourself a nice cooked frog. Well, I was like the old frog in the pot, and Satan was adjusting the heat with his pack of lies, and he was doing it one lie at a time. He is so cunning, slick, and deceitful. He just hands you tiny bits of his lies, and then he starts building on them; you start believing them as gospel, and you make a choice, except I didn't realize I was making a choice; I just took them hook, line, and sinker. My next thirty-five years were like a roller coaster, up's and down's, good years and bad years; the good, bad, and ugly of it all. Satan took me on a long, long journey that I knew would never end. P.S. Just a little side note here, just a little advice; don't get into a wrestling match with Satan where it's just you and him. You'll lose every time.

I fell into depression when I stopped walking with God in the cool of the day and listening to his voice. We find Adam and Eve in Genesis Chapter 2 doing the same thing I did. They stopped walking with God, took their mind off him, and started listening to a different voice; the voice of Satan. Like Adam and Eve, I listened and bought Satan's lies, hook, line, and sinker!

Yep, he threw out his hook and line, (his lies), and caught me as I began sinking into his lie pot. I Peter 5:8 says, "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about seeking whom he may devour ... " Yes, Satan had me. I tremble and my skin crawls with the "heebie-jeebies" when I think of those days; when I think of how I listened to him, believed him, and worse than that, I followed him.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Jumping Out of Satan's Lie Pot and Landing in God's truthby Emma Warren Copyright © 2012 by Emma Warren. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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