CHAPTER 1
Standing at the Edge
Afraid, I stood at the edge and looked across. I knew I had to go butI knew from step one that it would be difficult. I knew there wouldbe times I would want to quit, I knew I would break down and cry,and I knew I would doubt myself and my ability to keep going.
But I also knew I had to do it. I was standing on the south rimof the Grand Canyon about to hike across it. But for me, it wasn'tjust a hike.
When we lose a loved one, we know we have to go through thegrief, yet we can put it off and hold it down for years like I did. Whenwe are addicted and chained to compulsive behaviors, we know wehave to do the work to get clean, yet we put it off and make excusesand wait for the magical "as soon as" to happen so it will be easier.When we are stuck, we look around and find all the reasons outsideof ourselves that explain why we can't move forward.
But putting off grief doesn't make it any less painful. Putting offrecovery doesn't make getting clean any easier. And staying in ourcomfort zone doesn't make us at all comfortable.
The way to move forward is to step out.
When I did take that first step, just that very first one, I knew Ihad done something important in my life. I just didn't know what.I wouldn't know that until 12 hours into the hike as I was climbingthe steep north rim, when it became evident that I made two bigmistakes. One, I failed to climb at my pace. Two, I didn't eat enough.At that point in the hike, as it was getting dark, my body said "nomore". My mind said "no more". And I stopped.
Well, stopping isn't an option. But I couldn't move forward onmy own.
I was with three fellow hikers. Two went on to the top whileone came back for me and began talking me through each step. Hesaid, "I know how you feel, I've been there." He walked very slowlywith me as I took my ten small steps. Then he waited as I bent over,hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath. He tried to carrymy backpack for me, I wouldn't let him. He tried to get me to eatsomething. And he said, "You are going to finish."
My head was screaming, "Let him go finish his hike at his pace,you are ruining his experience! Tell him, 'don't worry about me'."But I couldn't finish alone, and I wanted to finish this hike. My lifedepended on it.
I already knew what quitting felt like. I already knew whatfailing felt like. I wanted success. I wanted to stand on the other sidewith my arms held high, knowing that I didn't give up.
So I kept walking.
CHAPTER 2
Learning to Walk
I am a personal trainer and fitness coach and I own a studio that offersspecialized fitness training for women over 40. I realize that meanspeople think I have my act together all the time, but I don't. I am inthe process of growing, healing and changing just like everyone else.
Part of my weekly routine was to send out a schedule of classesoffered at the studio, in an email. It was the summer of 2009, andI had been training women for enough years to start hearing thesame things repeated over and over. Things like, "Weight Watchersworks great for me, I've done it seven times!" and "I know whatto do, I just don't do it." I was starting to form some strong beliefsabout what it really takes to change, and many of these beliefs werecontrary to what was being marketed and talked about in the mediaand among women.
That same summer, a major magazine published a cover articlethat frustrated me so much I wrote up a response to it and sent it outwith my weekly schedule. The responses I got from my clients wereincredibly interesting. I wanted to share them with everyone. So, Iwas officially inspired to write again the next week and I includedall of their responses. Thus began our conversation.
And that is what this book is; it is a peek inside the conversationI have had with hundreds of women who are seeking the same thingsthat I am.
You will share in four years that go by, and as we work throughanother Thanksgiving and New Year, winter and summer, themessage gets stronger. I actually get more rooted in the truth fromworking with all these inspiring women and hearing their stories.
You will see a running streak that actually has nothing to dowith running, and eventually switches to a love of walking. Youwill see my good days and bad days. You will see as I dig deeperinto my own junk and share it with everyone, how it touches othersand heals me, too.
* * *
One of the things I hear the most when you allow me to sharein your journey is that you want it to go faster. I understand wantingit NOW. But consider the journey for a moment. Could it be thathealth is not a destination, but a direction? Are we ever really"there"?
Some of you have seen me use the visual of taking small,consistent steps until I have crossed the room. Then, I go back towhere I started and try to get to the other side in one big jump. Itdoesn't work. I can't jump that far.
But I can step. One small step forward. Another small stepforward. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday. September, October, November. And if I am headingin the right direction and taking consistent steps, I will see smallchanges. If I keep heading in the right direction over a long periodof time, I will be able to step back and see major changes.
I don't believe that creating a healthy, fit lifestyle requires onemajor change. It requires many little changes. Imagine you arewriting a book for your very best friend who wants to live a healthierlife. Your book is 100 pages long. On each page, write one smallchange you've made that she can make and stick with. Keep writingsmall changes until you have filled up your book. Now you have theguidance for making a lifestyle change that's all yours.
We tend to look outside of ourselves for the answer. Wouldn'tit be great if we could find that one thing that would help us changefor good? Instead, we have to create our own personal formula thatincorporates our foods, our family, and our lifestyle.
Believe that the answers lie within you. Create your own healthylifestyle and get moving in the right direction. Take your time andenjoy the gifts along the path of your transformation.
* * *
I am an athlete. Can you say it? Do you believe it? Or do youhave certain criteria that must be met to consider yourself a realathlete?
I used to think to be a real runner you had to be a good runner,or a fast runner, or run all the time. Then I started running. I rantrails and hills. I ran on my treadmill. Some of those miles, I walkedbecause my lungs were on fire or my knee was killing me. I sloggedalong slowly. I fought. I cried.
I've never won a race. When I joined the running club, I was oneof the slowest. I walked the last 9 miles of my last marathon. So what!I have the exact same finisher's medal as the person who was first.
Running has changed my life. My soul loves to run. My heartis healed during my trail runs. Running makes me happy.
If that's not a real runner, I don't know what is. No matter howslow or clumsy or frightened you feel, get up and move your body.In my mind, as soon as you take that first step—whether it's walkingor running, you, my dear, are a real athlete.
* * *
Changing your life is a bit like climbing a mountain. You lookat it ahead of you and it's tempting to think, "no way!" It's too big.But if you take one step and then another, next thing you know,you are doing it.
I believe that we are all on the same journey and that on thisjourney we will come upon many mountains to climb.
Some we choose. I get on an airplane once a year to fl y out Westto purposefully climb mountains. It is something my soul needs togrow and be happy. Some people sign up for a distance race that isvery far outside their current ability, yet something in them feelsready to step out there.
Some we don't choose. I had to climb the mountain of grief fromthe death of my parents, but I'm doing it and am finding healing andgrace. I have friends who have climbed the mountain of illness, andsome are still in the battle.
What we can't do is expect our journey to be without mountains.If we are moving along and find ourselves standing at the foot of one,we cannot let ourselves or each other stand there stuck, wonderingwhy we've come upon this challenge. It is meant to be there. It ispart of the journey. Don't be afraid to start climbing, whatever yourmountain may be.
* * *
When I was in California last week, I got up early and wentfor a run.
I didn't take anything with me except my iPod with inspirationalmusic and my cell phone just in case I got hurt or lost. I found a roadthat headed up into the hills behind the inn where we stayed andturned onto it. I settled into an easy pace to warm up and took timeto enjoy the view. The sun had just come up so the shadows werelong across the hills. The higher I climbed, the more I could see ofthe valley full of vineyards and country homes.
My body warmed up so I could kick it up a notch to match theintensity of the songs. Climbing and climbing these hills, my bodyfound the groove. It felt easy. I don't know why. Some days it feelsso difficult. In this moment, I would endure a hundred difficultruns for just a taste of this sweet freedom of movement. Completeinspiration and peace.
In this state of mind I was hoping the road would go on forever,but it turned into a path which came to an end at a private property,so I stopped to rest. If you have climbed much in your lifetime, youknow that there is a moment when you turn around to take a look.Oh, the joy of discovering how high you have climbed and howgorgeous the view!
If you have been climbing and climbing, turn around. Take alook. There is such beauty in seeing how far you have come. Don'tlet any voice tell you, "But you still have so far to go." Who cares?You're moving. You're climbing. You are a beautiful creature that ispart of this amazing world. Find what inspires you to keep climbing.
* * *
I heard an interesting concept this weekend that I sort of knewbut have never heard phrased like this before. "What you focus ongrows."
What, I wondered, have I been focusing on? I wasn't feeling mybest. In fact, I was having a bit of an "I suck" time of it, and I didn'tknow why. I know I always have a little let-down after a big event,and the half marathon had been awesome this year. I also had takena great vacation but got off track with workouts and sleep, my foodwasn't organized, and I had gone several days without doing cardio.
For me, cardio is not optional. Way back in my 20s, I sought thehelp of a therapist to deal with the pain I was in regarding the deathof my parents and some other things that were going on in my life.We talked about medication, but, not feeling ready for that, I askedher if there was another option for me. "Yes," she said, "walk or runoutside or on a treadmill for 45 minutes every day."
Because I was a heavy smoker, that was not something I thoughtI could do. But I was committed and also scared of the alternative,so I joined the Y and started my daily 45 minutes. I kept a journalduring this time, and it's remarkable to look back and see thedifference it made to get my body moving every day and to focuson something positive.
Knowing that, I decided to light a fire of motivation in my gutfor this winter. It would be too easy to focus on the cold, the dark,my fears, my mistakes, what I can't do, what I didn't do.
What can I do? I can walk or run. So, I am going to walk or runevery day between now (I started 11/1) and my birthday, which isFeb. 28th. Today is day 8, and I feel like a new person. The funk iscompletely gone, I feel excited about the winter, and I am pumpedup that I made a challenge for myself and I'm sticking with it.I want the same for you. The past is gone. We all have limitations,fears, and failures. There is a time to claim them, but too much focusand they become so BIG. Let's move forward. See if you can lift yourgaze off the obstacles right at your feet and focus on the horizon. Ibelieve we can do it together. It's really beautiful up ahead.
* * *
I'm ready to challenge myself to lose every excuse and staymoving over the winter months.
Thanks to the newsletter and Facebook, I am excited to reportthat a lot of you are joining me! I love receiving your daily updatesand hearing about all the stuff that comes up. It feels like we'reshaking something loose, doesn't it?
One of the first things that has come up for me is duration. Howmany miles do I have to do to make it a run and to fulfill the streak?It's come up for others as well. One of my clients wrote me this:
"I may not be getting in the 45 minutes each time, but thechallenge is keeping me to at least doing something! (Two days Ionly got 30 minutes in.) If I can at least commit to that, eventually Imight begin to take time for myself again and not cut my time shortbecause I'm worrying about what else needs to be done. I mightrealize again that 45 minutes is not being selfish—it is what I need;the rest can wait."
I think this is so fascinating. How often do we skip a workoutbecause we don't have the full hour? I know I do it, but I'm notskipping workouts right now because of the streak. I'm realizing howmissing workouts deprives myself of one of life's greatest pleasures,which is being able to spend the entire day saying to myself and outloud, "I did it!!"
By Friday of last week, my legs needed a break, so I planned aone- miler on the treadmill. Once I got going, I ended up walking1.5, and I was surprised that the rest of the day I felt fabulous. Iworked up a good sweat, did what I said I was going to do, andcarried on. And it took less than 20 minutes.
There is something about wanting to do it but not doing it, thatis very painful to me. My self-esteem plunges. I struggled for yearswith it, and I see it often in women who want to lose weight butaren't ready to make a change. It wouldn't be a problem except westart hating ourselves or berating ourselves for not doing what we saywe'll do, whether it's doing cardio or staying within your calories.If you find you've been beating yourself up, do something for yourself-esteem. Do something. Trust me when I tell you it doesn't matterhow much you do or for how long you do it.
You can change your life right now. You don't ever have to waitfor some monumental thing to happen. Just show up, every day,and make a choice to support your own goals. Starting on the veryfirst day, you get to say "I did it!" And there is one less thing to beatyourself up about.
Keep doing that day after day, one day at a time, and you havejust changed your life!
* * *
What an incredible experience this is turning into! I loveknowing I am going to get my workout in. It's not a wish. It's not ahope. I am just doing it no matter what.
I am overcoming.
I am overcoming the momentum to skip workouts on cold, darkevenings. I am overcoming the negative voice that always lurks inmy shadow ready to tell me that I will never be good enough. Everystep I take is a step closer to becoming the woman I want to be.
How can this be? All from walking or running? If you don'tbelieve me, try it. I challenge you: walk or run at least one mile everyday. By day 22, you will be amazed at how your confidence willhave skyrocketed. You will see that it is actually all a choice, yourchoice. That you are creating your life by each and every decisionyou make. And that every step counts.
There is only one way to move forward and that is to take a stepforward. If you feel like that first step is not worthwhile because itdoesn't get you very far, take another. And another. Find a way tokeep going. You will see that the first step was huge!
If you feel stuck and are thinking you are never going to get"there", take another step. Keep moving forward. Once you reallyget moving, you will see that there is no "there." There is only theability to move in one direction or another. And the beautiful thingis that you get to pick the direction at any moment.
* * *
I am so proud of those of you who have joined me. It feels mucheasier knowing I am not the only one on this quest. It's true that ithappens one day at a time.
I really had to face and conquer my excuses this week. Here'swhat some of my thinking sounded like. It was fascinating to observe:
"I'll run in the morning so it's done for the day oops I hit snoozeand overslept that's OK I'll run at lunch oh but I got invited out tolunch I hate to miss that I'll run as soon as I finish lunch ugh I amway too full I'll run right after work man I am so tired and hungryI just want to make myself something to eat and relax."
or "It's Sunday I really want to sleep in so I'll run after churchbut I'm already showered and my hair is done I'd rather go tobreakfast and run later whew I have so much to do to get readyfor my week I have to do my laundry and shop for groceries andprepare my food and walk to dogs I will run as soon as I finish allthese things but it was so nice outside earlier and now it's raininghow can I run in the rain?"
